The Fat Elf's Review Emporium

[ReadyGoLove]

I like the introduction overall, even if I don’t know much yet about what can happen. A shift mentor to teach stuff, a amnesiac naive boy, and a evil tree trying to corrupt the boy. Has the grounds for a good story.

Oke, things I picked up while listening to your chapter.

Passive voice:
...with gray hair was whistling an off-key tune…

I think it reads better like this: An old man with gray hair whistled an off-key tune.

Redundancy (and adverb):
He actively pushed a wheelbarrow…

I find that adverb there strange because it’s an adverb, and how would he not push the wheelbarrow actively?

Here’s a suggestion regarding adverbs from DWIGHT V. SWAIN:

Then another one here about adverbs placement:


Fragmentation: Don’t exactly know how to name this, but you’re using one sentence, one paragraph. It makes reading your text harder.


Recently, I find words or expressions such as: began to, caused the, causing, making, allowing, , revealing, couldn’t help but.
They are not bad, but I do think it reads better when the text doesn’t use them too much.

Narrator:
Third person omniscient is not bad, but it is impartial. Hard to get attached to a character when you are head-hopping between paragraphs.

Telling/summary:
I’ll point out here a part where I think it would have been nice to see.

After reassuring the boy and using logic, the old geezer told the child he was but a simple gravedigger. As a result, the boy calmed down. This gave the man a chance to introduce himself

How the old man talks? What argument he used? What was the logic presented? How did the boy react? That would have given me a lot of context and information about the characters being introduced.

Also, telling emotions instead of showing them. There another example:
"I... I... don't know," the boy said, confused, holding his head in panic.

You’re telling two emotions here, when you could have described them:
"I... I... don't know," the boy said, excessive swallowing. He looked around at each and every small sound, hands clutching at his hair. (again, these could be better description, this is just an example).

Check out this website, it helps a lot: https://onestopforwriters.com/emotions

Repetition:
His mind was completely blank, he didn't know who he was or where he was from. His mind reeled, struggling to grasp his predicament.

Illogical reasoning:
This might be a personal nitpick, but here:

Cain spoke with joy, he strangely liked his new name. It wasn't like he had a choice to refuse Feick, he would die without this man's help. 'At least this grandpa is nice!' With the current situation, Cain's instincts forced him to act cheery, whether he knew it or not. This was an unknown land and he had no idea who he was, memories were something he didn't have and he only had a vague understanding of some things like eating.

Thankfully Feick was kind and the two just so happened to speak the same language, otherwise, Cain would be long dead. He was like a newborn child, a baby bird not ready to fly

The issue here is that a few lines before, he was panicking, but now he’s happy. Also, why would he be long dead? He just arrived? There’s no immediate danger in the area. If he phrased that like a chance of it happening, it wouldn’t sound so strange.

Thank you for your patronage!


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To start, I liked the introduction.

There’s a bit of confusion in the first lines because it seems the MC could see into people’s souls from the start, yet he mentions textbooks. Hadn’t he ever seen any other eye before? What about family, or just a random person?

The dialogue I enjoyed. I had a few good chuckles at the rusted hinges comment. I’m copying that one someday. Not ashamed to say it. The prose was also lovely to read, and the story flowed nicely. Nice job.

Aside from adverbs and repetition, I don’t have much to say about what can be improved. You use them a lot. You could remove most of the adverbs, and the reading experience would be much better. There are a few instances of repetition, but those might have been intentional.

As an experiment, copy your text and place it on this website: https://hemingwayapp.com/

I can’t say why the low number of readers aside from maybe this story is on the wrong platform. SH usually tends to fantasy, action, smut, xianxia, and so on. Your story is a well-written slice of life, and I could see it being published as a light novel; it felt like reading one.




Thank you for sharing, and thank you for your patronage!

Thank you for the comments! Out of curiosity, do you happen to know another good platform to publish my work? Thank you.

 

[Numero]

Hello! Would you mind reading mine? https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1019722/age-of-spirit-fantasycultivation/

 

[Deleted member 156229]

Hey elf! I would love to hear your feedback!

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1028921/mankind-diaspora-the-trappist-gambit/

 

[FatElf]

Holy fuck that's one fat elf.

Anyways.

Uff, took me a while, life's been keeping me busy.


Hum, this one starts interesting, and it is short enough read that I actually liked. Grammar is also good, even if the style caught me off guard.

That said, there are a few things to note. The style is a bit strange, not bad, just different. Some choice of words also feels strange.
Passive voice: There are a few instances of passive voice which can be changed to active verb.
I thought I was asleep since my head was spinning and my eyes were shut tight not wanting…

Choice of words:
"I am confused." Said me.
"I think you should." The woman answered "In extreme rare cases like yours, we would allow you...

With this case above, the “said me” is jarring enough to take me away from the narrative.
The “I think you should” feels off as well, doesn’t seems like is an answer for the comment above.
“We would”- the would feels out of place, not wrong, but again, the choice of words here.

Lack of context, conflicting statements:
"...Would I find happiness once again?" I asked.

Here, I think reads better with “will”, but again, style. What I find strange is if the person killed himself/herself, was there any happiness to begin with? This seems to contradict the first sentence.

Choice of stats:
Now, my biggest grippe with this first chapter. We know nothing about the character situation, and we get the MC sabotaging himself/herself in the first chapter. At least for me didn’t cast the story in a good light, even more with the MC intentionally selecting bad starting options, lower score, and questionable profession.

Novel is tagged as comedy. First chapter read more like grim drama.

 

[LuoirM]

With this case above, the “said me” is jarring enough to take me away from the narrative.

This is something I haven't consider, thank you.
The story is told in 1st POV so I reflect what I hope of the MC character from how the narrative was written, it's very weird/passive/moody and bittersweet in a way, I don't think I have quite capture that from your experience reading the story? I might have to do better on that.

Novel is tagged as comedy. First chapter read more like grim drama.

It got... Comedic undertone I think that's what it called? I add a lot of dry humor because the MC is dry, and the humorous part is that it's so dry it's funny at some later chapters. But not the 100% focus, so I think it's possible for me to remove the Comedy tag.

 

[Chaperone]

Hey @FatElf I would love it if you could review my first chapter. First time writing so any feedback is golden. THanks.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/783282/the-unusual-shepherd--progression-fantasymonster-tamer/