Synopsis help

[greatATTACKshark]

I am about to post a new story and I know how much first impressions count. I want to get the synopsis and title down pack before I post it.

This is what I have so far:

Title- Shell Shock
Synopsis- After one battle and 500,000 are dead, such is the reality of trench warfare. Though something seems strange, this was not the Great War I learned about. Something is wrong, very wrong. None of the names line up, nor battles. The topography and equipment seem authentic but there are bipedal wolves in no man's land, bizarre lights dance in the sky, and dead bodies never seem to be in the same place. Nothing is as it seems. Though something scares me beyond the never-ending thunder of artillery or the sacrificial walls of young men, I could have sworn that my life was taken from me by a mortar two days ago.

Do you guys think this is good and if not, what do you think I should work on. I have never been good with this kind of thing. Also, thoughts about the cover?

 

[Deleted member 84247]

I would change the beginning sentence to, "After one battle 500,000 are dead, such is the reality of trench warfare." Or,"500,000 are dead, such is the reality of trench warfare."
There are other things I would probably change in the synopsis, but that is the most obvious/easiest fix. Cover is alright, but it doesn't really scream about the bizarre alternate reality. The issue your story will face is that I don't think this will garner a large audience on the platform, but that is fine if you are just writing for yourself.
Alternate write: 500,000 were dead. Trench warfare scarred the landscape. I could hear the sounds of thundering artillery and sacrificial wails of young men, but this wasn't the Great War I knew... History was changed. Bizarre lights danced in the sky; dead bodies never seemed to be in one place, and why were there bipedal wolves in no man's land? The thing that scared me the most...I could have sworn I died to a mortar two days ago.

Though you could easily take what I wrote and end it at "...this wasn't the Great War I knew..."
Impact statement: 500,000 were dead.
Hook: I could hear the sounds of thundering artillery and sacrificial wails of young men, but this wasn't the great war I knew...

 

[greatATTACKshark]

500,000 were dead. Trench warfare scarred the landscape. I could hear the sounds of thundering artillery and sacrificial wails of young men, but this wasn't the Great War I knew... History was changed. Bizarre lights danced in the sky; dead bodies never seemed to be in one place, and why were there bipedal wolves in no man's land? The thing that scared me the most...I could have sworn I died to a mortar two days ago.

Thank you for the suggestion, you have given me quite a bit of inspiration with this.

 

[TheEldritchGod]

Shell Shock? Are you implying that none of this is real?

Ehhh... Sounds more like... World War: Weird

 

[greyblob]

I can't follow what's going on.

After one battle and 500,000 are dead - what happens after?

The topography and equipment seem authentic but there are bipedal wolves in no man's land, bizarre lights dance in the sky, and dead bodies never seem to be in the same place. - what?

Though something scares me beyond the never-ending thunder of artillery or the sacrificial walls of young men, I could have sworn that my life was taken from me by a mortar two days ago. - something scares me... => mention what scares him (?)

Synopsis- After one battle and 500,000 are dead, such is the reality of trench warfare. Though something seems strange, this was not the Great War I learned about. Something is wrong, very wrong. None of the names line up, nor battles. The topography and equipment seem authentic but there are bipedal wolves in no man's land, bizarre lights dance in the sky, and dead bodies never seem to be in the same place. Nothing is as it seems. Though something scares me beyond the never-ending thunder of artillery or the sacrificial walls of young men, I could have sworn that my life was taken from me by a mortar two days ago.

 

[greatATTACKshark]

I can't follow what's going on.

After one battle and 500,000 are dead - what happens after?

The topography and equipment seem authentic but there are bipedal wolves in no man's land, bizarre lights dance in the sky, and dead bodies never seem to be in the same place. - what?

Though something scares me beyond the never-ending thunder of artillery or the sacrificial walls of young men, I could have sworn that my life was taken from me by a mortar two days ago. - something scares me... => mention what scares him (?)

I was trying to set up the setting. 500,000 dead in one battle is just to set up the realities of trench warfare. The reference to the supernatural stuff is to set up the fact that there is a supernatural element. The thing that scared the MC is the fact that he died two days ago.

 

[greyblob]

I was trying to set up the setting. 500,000 dead in one battle is just to set up the realities of trench warfare. The reference to the supernatural stuff is to set up the fact that there is a supernatural element. The thing that scared the MC is the fact that he died two days ago.

great. this makes sense. the problem is that the way its written in the synopsis is logically and grammatically flawed. try running it through grammarly and slowly work on understanding whats wrong and how to fix it.

i could rewrite this, but you'd gain nothing. it'd be my words not yours.