kokiboki
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This is a Historical Romance story set in a European, quasi-Victorian era. I would appreciate feedback on the following aspects: pacing, plot development, and changes made from the original version found in this forum thread:
forum.scribblehub.com
While I've made changes to the plot, I believe it requires some improvement in brisk pacing. However, I think the overall story is fine, as I've read at least 167 chapters of some romance novel with long pacing where it took over three chapters for one simple event.
Chapter One: A Banquet of Suspicion and Reflection
The grand chamber radiates opulence and elegance through its stylish furnishings and vast, spacious layout. The walls, adorned in tranquil cream hues, imbue the space with a soothing ambiance.
At the heart of the chamber, a luxurious king-sized bed beckons with velvety white sheets and intricate embroidery. Upon the edge of this plush haven sits a silent figure, her presence imbuing the room with an air of hushed stillness.
Enveloped in a satin chemise nightgown, its gentle folds tenderly embrace her weary form, while her pallid countenance reveals the unmistakable burden of distress.
With a vacant expression that betrays her loss of the will to live, she gazes upward, barely acknowledging the presence of the maidservant dressed in all black, her head draped in a black cloth, as she pushes a cart bearing morning tea and pastries.
In the Beaumanoir Manor, there are numerous strict rules that all maids must adhere to: they must wear black, conceal their identities, and refrain from speaking unless necessary. Any disobedience will result in severe consequences.
"Madam, the Duke wishes to see you after breakfast," she announces, placing the trays on a low bedside table. "His Grace would be delighted if you wore the gown he selected for you this afternoon." With a respectful bow, she adds, "I will return later to assist with your preparations." Her footsteps recede as she exits the room, the door closing gently behind her.
Her gaze rests upon the array of delectable treats adorning the bedside table. Among them, she recognizes Millefeuille, Gâteau au Chocolat, Panna Cotta, and an assortment of scones in flavors like raspberry and chocolate. Though unfamiliar with the others, their allure is undeniable.
Hesitantly, she reaches for a delicate Millefeuille. As she gingerly lifts it, the layers of flaky pastry and creamy filling yield beneath her touch. To her surprise, Inès can't resist the temptation and soon finds herself savoring the decadent treat until her cheeks bulge, each guilty bite more delicious than the last.
However, as she extends her hand towards a yellow sponge cake, her delight is abruptly halted by an unexpected intrusion of the process of her own thoughts.
Poisoned? This breakfast seems too lavish to be genuine...
Why the sudden change in his behavior? Throughout our five-year marriage, he's never shown me such kindness—never picked out a dress for me or invited me to dine with him. My meals have always been solitary, confined to this room or the dining hall, with only silent maidservants in attendance.
Why now?
Inès shakes her head as if to dispel her nagging doubts. Reclining against the plush cushions, she tugs on the rope suspended from the wall, ringing a bell that will summon a maidservant.
Within moments, the door creaks open, and the same maidservant from before enters, her sudden appearance reminiscent of a specter.
"Dispose of this."
The maidservant stares, seemingly taken aback by the request.
"Madam, His Grace has taken great care in preparing this for you," she says, concern evident in her voice. "I fear he will be disappointed if you refuse his efforts."
"It matters not. I cannot bring myself to eat any further," Inès replies, her voice unwavering. "You may do what you like with it."
The maidservant executes a formal curtsy before exiting the chamber, the door closing gently behind her.
With a heavy sigh, Inès reclines once more, her thoughts drifting to the day she found herself in the novel of "When We Were Wallflowers."
The story between Emmanuelle Cousineau, and a young man, Éloi. Cursed by a witch to bear the visage of an old woman, Emmanuelle selflessly cares for the orphaned Éloi, fostering a deep love within him. As the years pass and Éloi comes of age, his heart remains tethered to Emmanuelle, even as he enters into a marriage with Yasmine Cousineau.
Would this make a great story? Rate it from 1-10 plz
This chapter, Hasn’t been published on any platform such as Webnovel, Ao3, Wattpad…Or anyone other platform that I've never heard of, This was just sitting in Somnote for a year, I just edited it and changed the original names. Chapter 1: Bug in my cake! The vast and expansive chamber exudes...
While I've made changes to the plot, I believe it requires some improvement in brisk pacing. However, I think the overall story is fine, as I've read at least 167 chapters of some romance novel with long pacing where it took over three chapters for one simple event.
Chapter One: A Banquet of Suspicion and Reflection
The grand chamber radiates opulence and elegance through its stylish furnishings and vast, spacious layout. The walls, adorned in tranquil cream hues, imbue the space with a soothing ambiance.
At the heart of the chamber, a luxurious king-sized bed beckons with velvety white sheets and intricate embroidery. Upon the edge of this plush haven sits a silent figure, her presence imbuing the room with an air of hushed stillness.
Enveloped in a satin chemise nightgown, its gentle folds tenderly embrace her weary form, while her pallid countenance reveals the unmistakable burden of distress.
With a vacant expression that betrays her loss of the will to live, she gazes upward, barely acknowledging the presence of the maidservant dressed in all black, her head draped in a black cloth, as she pushes a cart bearing morning tea and pastries.
In the Beaumanoir Manor, there are numerous strict rules that all maids must adhere to: they must wear black, conceal their identities, and refrain from speaking unless necessary. Any disobedience will result in severe consequences.
"Madam, the Duke wishes to see you after breakfast," she announces, placing the trays on a low bedside table. "His Grace would be delighted if you wore the gown he selected for you this afternoon." With a respectful bow, she adds, "I will return later to assist with your preparations." Her footsteps recede as she exits the room, the door closing gently behind her.
Her gaze rests upon the array of delectable treats adorning the bedside table. Among them, she recognizes Millefeuille, Gâteau au Chocolat, Panna Cotta, and an assortment of scones in flavors like raspberry and chocolate. Though unfamiliar with the others, their allure is undeniable.
Hesitantly, she reaches for a delicate Millefeuille. As she gingerly lifts it, the layers of flaky pastry and creamy filling yield beneath her touch. To her surprise, Inès can't resist the temptation and soon finds herself savoring the decadent treat until her cheeks bulge, each guilty bite more delicious than the last.
However, as she extends her hand towards a yellow sponge cake, her delight is abruptly halted by an unexpected intrusion of the process of her own thoughts.
Poisoned? This breakfast seems too lavish to be genuine...
Why the sudden change in his behavior? Throughout our five-year marriage, he's never shown me such kindness—never picked out a dress for me or invited me to dine with him. My meals have always been solitary, confined to this room or the dining hall, with only silent maidservants in attendance.
Why now?
Inès shakes her head as if to dispel her nagging doubts. Reclining against the plush cushions, she tugs on the rope suspended from the wall, ringing a bell that will summon a maidservant.
Within moments, the door creaks open, and the same maidservant from before enters, her sudden appearance reminiscent of a specter.
"Dispose of this."
The maidservant stares, seemingly taken aback by the request.
"Madam, His Grace has taken great care in preparing this for you," she says, concern evident in her voice. "I fear he will be disappointed if you refuse his efforts."
"It matters not. I cannot bring myself to eat any further," Inès replies, her voice unwavering. "You may do what you like with it."
The maidservant executes a formal curtsy before exiting the chamber, the door closing gently behind her.
With a heavy sigh, Inès reclines once more, her thoughts drifting to the day she found herself in the novel of "When We Were Wallflowers."
The story between Emmanuelle Cousineau, and a young man, Éloi. Cursed by a witch to bear the visage of an old woman, Emmanuelle selflessly cares for the orphaned Éloi, fostering a deep love within him. As the years pass and Éloi comes of age, his heart remains tethered to Emmanuelle, even as he enters into a marriage with Yasmine Cousineau.
