Story Feedback Requested

[Zanafar]

Hello! Just posted my story (Saga of Ebonheim) earlier today and thought I'd make a thread requesting some feedback on the first few chapters (or all of the chapters that I published so far).

I have some concerns that the first chapter seems lackluster in terms of enticing new readers to want to continue reading and I'm also wondering if I should tone down the prose when describing scenes to make it easier to read. It's meant to be a slow burn at the start and maybe I'm just overthinking it so feedback as far as what's working for the story and what's not would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

- Zan

 

[melchi]

First off, posting a bunch of chapters in a single day will stop the story from showing up on new chapters list. I wouldn't post more than two a day.

Second....

In a world where gods walk among mortals, governing their settlements and determining their fates, the outcasts and the forsaken forge their own path to salvation. They journey to the untamed frontiers and establish their new home within an ancient forest valley.

This is really vague.... I don't think it helps entice readers.

Shunned by the gods they once served, these outcasts forge a new path forward, led by the village elders who conspire to create a deity of their own. Through shared stories and collective beliefs, they breathe life into Ebonheim—a goddess born from their dreams and the embodiment of their hope for a brighter future.

This would be good, except, well confusing things by chaining sentence fragments with commas, in a way, is not better than just writing short, not long, simple, easy-to-understand sentences.

 

[Zanafar]

Fair points. I'll keep that in mind. Thanks!

 

[greyblob]

read up to 5 or so chapters. looks pretty good. it's engaging and with great protentional. good start. though dialogue in chapter 1 is clunky.

 

[Zanafar]

Yeah, I had a hunch that the dialogue didn't live up to par with what I was trying to convey for the scene. Will definitely need a rewrite.