Hey guys! Here’s a link to my story: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2240492/sovereign-believers/
I wanted some feedback on my first chapter. If you love action fantasy and adventure, I hope you’ll enjoy this.
Here’s my first Chapter. What do you guys think?
CHAPTER 1: I’VE HAD ENOUGH
We spend our whole lives trying to make sense of things. From the time we are old enough to think for ourselves, we start building our own set of rules. We decide what is right and what is wrong, what is worth our time and what is not. Some people call this philosophy, but really, it is just a way to survive.
We carefully choose what to believe in—and what to ignore—just to make ourselves feel safe. We hold tight to these ideas because they make a messy, confusing world feel like it actually has a plan.
But the strange truth about life is how fragile all of those big ideas really are. You can spend decades figuring out the perfect way to live, only to have it all disappear in a single second. It does not take an army or a grand villain to take it away. We build our entire existence on proud choices and firm beliefs, completely forgetting that the life holding them up is as thin as glass.
∘₊✧──────✧₊∘
"DONOVAN!!!" Elijah screamed. It was final. He was certain that his brother had truly abandoned him—after all they'd gone through... Elijah clenched his fists.
Surrounding him was a large crowd of spirits, all wanting the same thing: to ascend. Why did Donovan want to ascend so badly? He had everything he needed, and there was no reason for him to risk his well-being.
You stupid punk. Why did you leave? Why? I'm going to drag your silly ass back even if it means that I lose my own soul.
Elijah crossed his arms and raised his eyebrows. A wandering spirit almost caused him to trip, but he planted his feet firmly on the ground, saving himself. Yeah, it seemed like everyone was in a hurry to go somewhere. Elijah pushed through the crowd, struggling even to get close to the Ascension Gate.
The gates themselves were white and wide, spanning nearly 20 feet on each side. Funny enough, nothing ever really guarded the Ascension Gate. It was just there, and whoever wanted the opportunity to ascend would have to step through those gates in an act of courage. From what Elijah knew, no one really knew what was beyond the Ascension Gate. But since most spirits had this drive to connect with and obey Alder, it could only mean that if one went beyond the Gate, they were only getting closer to the god.
After a full two minutes of shoving spirits out of the way, Elijah finally made it near the front of the crowd. He could spot a blue hue coming from past the gate. It was almost like the spirits themselves were... steaming? Yes, steaming. The closer Elijah and the other spirits got to the gate, the more they could feel their skin react to its presence. Their spiritual bodies were heating up, and the release of that heat was steam coming from their skin. The spirits looked up and grinned.
"Isn't it magnificent?!" one spirit said.
"It's more than magnificent. We're going to get closer to Alder. I can almost sense Her presence."
"Her? Alder is a man, you moron."
"No, She's not. She's a woman!"
"A MAN!"
"A WOMAN!"
Dammit. Would those two just shut up?
Elijah tried covering his ears, but he could still hear their bickering. It was starting to weigh down on him. Was Alder male or female? Or... a better question... did it really matter? Either way... Donovan had abandoned Elijah just to get closer to the stupid god. It made no difference to Elijah.
Once Elijah was finally next in line to enter the Gate, he closed his eyes. He tried to recall what it was like before they died—the trip to the movies, the endless game nights, and his parents. Then he opened his eyes. There was this weight that had settled on his chest, and as soon as Elijah took the initiative to step through the Gates, what was weighing him down completely dissipated.
However, Elijah's body was still steaming. He frowned. He expected to still hear the noise and chatter of the other spirits behind him that were about to enter the Gate, but he heard nothing. He turned around, checking to see if anyone was going to follow him—there was no one. In fact, the Ascension Gates that he had just stepped through weren't even there—they were gone.
Elijah shrugged. There was obviously no turning back now, but what awaited him seemed like a very long walk with many steps that appeared infinite. The only way that Elijah could describe what he was seeing was: a staircase to Heaven. The analogy was weird, though, because Elijah was already dead.
Elijah took the first step, then the second step, then the third step, and so on. At the pace he was going, if he assumed that the steps weren't infinitely long, then it would take him forever to reach the top—if there was a top to begin with.
"Aristotle's Steps..." something whispered in Elijah's ear.
Elijah whipped his head around. "Who's there? Show yourself!" Elijah demanded.
Elijah waited, his eyes frantically searching for the source of the sound. Nothing. Maybe it was his mind playing games with him? He shook his head, hoping to clear up any delirium that he might be experiencing.
Aristotle's Steps...
The voice... or whatever had whispered to him... was probably referring to the steps that Elijah was currently walking on. But... what did this voice mean by referencing a well-known Greek philosopher? And why were the steps named after him? Nothing so far made any sense. Regardless, Elijah continued trudging up the steps, hoping that none of it would be in vain.
∘₊✧──────✧₊∘
Oh, how the brothers had wandered through the savanna, hoping against all hope that they could fill the void within their everlasting hearts. Elijah, tired of walking, stopped under a conveniently placed tree in the middle of the plains. The scorching heat had done a number on him, but all he could do was wander and think—wander and think. Right across from him was another tree, surrounded by the typical giraffes of the savanna. There were no other animals around. Elijah leaned against the tree, watching some giraffes struggle to eat from the top branches while the giraffes with longer necks munched greedily.
Just when Elijah was about to stop watching, he felt someone getting closer: his brother, Donovan. Don was wearing a typical white T-shirt and shorts. He looked bored. He walked up to Elijah with his hands in his pockets.
"Guess some people won't get to eat regardless of what you do," Don said.
Elijah glanced at him. "Do you ever wonder what it would've been like if we, y'know, didn't die?" he asked.
Don scratched his head and yawned. He always did this when he felt like Elijah had asked him a dumb question.
"Yeah, all the fucking time. It was a good run, big bro. It would've been better if you weren't such a shithead."
"You're right. But... what do you think Dad is thinking right now? You think Ma and him divorced yet?”
"I hope she divorces his ass. He was always such a pain. When he couldn't blame you when you weren't around, he turned into a complete lunatic. And you. What the hell did you do to help? You were just fine with your little brother getting tossed around like shit from one grown-up to the other," Don said.
Elijah leaned up. "So are you telling me that you think I would've still been an asshole even if we didn't die?"
"What now? Are you going to ask me if water is wet or if the grass is green? This is all your fault. I still had friends, a future, and a scholarship."
"Too bad," Elijah said.
Don crossed his arms. He wasn't getting mad, but Elijah could tell that he was irritated. There was a lot that he wanted to say to Elijah, but something within him kept him from saying it. Don looked out into the savanna.
"I've had enough. I think I'm gonna just walk... walk so much that I won't even know how to find you again. And I don't know. Maybe that's a good thing for me. I've put up with you my whole life... right up until the very end. You're crazy if you think we're going to spend an eternity together," Don said, glancing back at Elijah.
Elijah stepped forward and casually gave Donovan a shove. Donovan stumbled and fell on his bottom with a grunt, wincing. Then, he looked up at Elijah, who stood in front of him—opposing him. Elijah blocked the harsh and brutal sun of the savanna from hitting Don's body. Elijah actually looked serious. It wasn't like Don cared too much, though... he was done with Elijah's bullshit.
"You need me. I'm your big brother. You have no one else. Where are you gonna go, huh? It's not like there's a place for all the sinners to go. You're talking all this shit about what I did—but you're a bad person, too. And now look where we are. I don't see anyone else, do you?" Elijah asked.
Donovan slowly got up.
"That's where you're wrong. I might've done some bad things too, but like you just said... there's clearly no hell, and it doesn't look like we're aging either. It's like we've been in this place for, like, a year? I'm tired. I want to leave, and I especially want to get away from you. Who knows. Maybe I'll find someone else."
"And what will you do once you find that other person? You really think you can trust anyone else other than ourselves? You'll be searching forever," Elijah taunted.
Donovan sighed. He turned around and started walking away from Elijah, his steps making footprints in the dust.
"If it'll take an eternity, then that's what I'll take. Goodbye, El," Don said. He continued walking, not bothering to take one last look at his older brother.
Elijah watched him for a moment. There wasn't an urgent need to go after him—no, not yet. The savanna wind had managed to kick up some dust—blocking Elijah's vision of Don walking away. Squinting his eyes, Elijah noticed that Don's footsteps were gradually disappearing. They were being erased from the savanna completely.
That's when Elijah felt an impending dread creep up. His eyes started to bulge, and he stumbled forward and fell, his hands and knees digging deep into the dry earth.
Elijah looked up. It was like Donovan had been swept away. Elijah dug his hands deeper into the dirt. He grabbed a handful of it and threw it in the direction that Donovan had gone. Curses. That's what Donovan walking away had felt like—a bunch of curses weighing him down. Damn him.
"DONOVAN! GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW! Where are you going?! There's nowhere to go!" Elijah screamed.
The only thing that responded was the small breeze of the savanna.
Elijah quickly stood up and sprinted forward, his arms and legs pumping with an energy he didn't even know he had. Donovan couldn't leave... he had nowhere to go. He would be wasting so much time looking for someone else... and—what if this was the last time that Elijah would talk to his little brother? What if this was it?
Elijah continued to sprint, and as he did, blue steam began to come off his body. He would sprint forever if it meant that he would get to have the last say before they parted ways.
And what will you do once you find that other person? You really think you can trust anyone else other than ourselves? You'll be searching forever.
The blue steam coming from Elijah's body was immense. It wasn't until he realized that he really didn't see anything in the distance besides the endless plains that he came to a crushing stop.
Donovan... Elijah sighed. So, this really was it... then. Instead of continuing in the direction he initially believed Donovan had gone, he looked at the horizon, turned around, and walked away.
∘₊✧──────✧₊∘
"Wake up, bubble-gum dumb-dumb. Rise and shine. Hey... you made it to the top. Isn't that great? Now, I have an itsy-bitsy question for you... what's your philosophy?" a girl wearing a red and black jacket and pink heart glasses asked as she stared down into Elijah's soul.
Elijah sat up with a jolt. The ground under his palms was soft. Comfy, even. Were they standing on a cloud? It felt different than the materialized floor back down past the Ascension Gates.
The girl grinned and leaned back, her hands in her pockets. She gave off this chill vibe, like nothing really mattered other than the conversation that they were currently having. Elijah cleared his throat.
"Um... who are you supposed to be?" Elijah asked.
The girl snapped her fingers, and suddenly, the cloud-like ground beneath them began to shift. Elijah quickly got up and moved out of the way. He wasn't sure what would happen if he fell through the space in the ground.
It's not stopping... it's going to continue to open up until...
Elijah was hovering above the ground.
WHAT! HOW AM I NOT FALLING?!
Elijah gulped. He felt someone holding him up by his pants, his feet dangling helplessly against the air. He looked up and saw the girl casually floating... or was she flying? Elijah couldn't really tell. The girl grinned once more, pulling down her pink heart glasses a bit to reveal her crimson eyes.
"Name's Kyoufu, Bubble-Gum Dumb-Dumb. So... I'ma ask you again, what's your philosophy?" Kyoufu asked.
Elijah dodged the question. "What is this place?"
"The space between Ascensions, or something like that. I don't really have a name for it either, but I can't have any wandering spirits like you ascend, however, without a philosophy. And... hey, you look familiar... someone else passed here not too long ago. Or maybe it was long ago. Well, I'm not sure. Time is fuzzy here, hehe." The girl stuck her tongue out.
The surrounding environment continued to shift. Instead of it being a cliché white space where it looked eerily similar to the Western interpretation of Heaven, the environment almost collapsed against itself, forming a black void. Elijah had a reflex, covering his face with his arms, but nothing happened. Kyoufu still held him casually as they floated. It was just them against the void.
"I don't have a philosophy. Why do I even need one to ascend? OW! Are you trying to give me a fucking wedgie! Let me go!"
"Oh, you're a feisty spirit. You haven't even told me your name yet. Whatever philosophy you got probably sucks butt. But need not worry... I know just the perfect person to drop you off to," Kyoufu said.
Suddenly, the black void dispersed into an array of vibrant colors. It was so quick that Elijah nearly forgot how high they were above the ground. He could hear the sound of screeching and honking. The surrounding air also smelled like cigarettes and alcohol. Elijah winced... he and Kyoufu were floating above the ground underneath a city train track. Gradually, Kyoufu descended to the ground and released Elijah, watching him stumble and nearly fall.
Elijah didn't say anything to Kyoufu. He was just more focused on where they were than anything else right now. Why did it feel like they were more alive than ever before? After all, they were spirits. Wherever they were didn't feel the same as where Elijah and Donovan were in the savanna. Kyoufu yawned exaggeratedly, almost like she was trying to get his attention. Elijah glanced back at her. He rubbed his eyes.
"You aren't real, are you?"
"Bubble-Gum Dumb-Dumb, you are a very weird spirit," Kyoufu said.
Elijah frowned. "Fine... I'm El. I wanted to ascend so I could look for my brother. I don't really care for all this stupid philosophy stuff. Now, if you asked me if I believed in Alder? Yeah, probably. I haven't seen this Alder god for myself, though."
Kyoufu stepped forward and put an arm around him. Elijah noticed that Kyoufu was pretty tall—even taller than him. Kyoufu leaned in close and put a finger on Elijah's lips.
"You're lucky I didn't send you to the bottom of Aristotle's Steps the moment I saw you. Luckily for you, I joke around about a lot of stuff, but finding a philosophy is where I draw a line. I'm not gonna let you continue until you find one," Kyoufu said.
Elijah stepped back. He thought about it. What would his brother say? Hmm...
"You said that someone passed here? I imagine they had a similar resemblance to me. That was my spiritual brother—the one I'm looking to bring back."
"Bring back?" Kyoufu started. She shook her head. "Well, since your brother's already on his way to ascending, I'm afraid there's not much I can do. Getting closer to the will of Alder is like getting closer to a black hole. It's damn near impossible to reverse that shit."
"You don't know that," Elijah said. He clenched his fists and stared at Kyoufu, his expression serious against Kyoufu's more casual demeanor. Kyoufu looked to the left.
"Right now, you're like a spiritual baby. Getting closer to Alder is the maturing process. But I shouldn't be surprised. You love your brother, right?" Kyoufu asked.
Elijah didn't reply. He just nodded, but it wasn't even a firm nod. It was so casual that anyone would've missed it if they weren't paying attention. Kyoufu started walking down the street, her hands in her pockets. She didn't say anything... she just started walking. Elijah raised his eyebrows and jogged, wanting to keep up.
"Where are we going?" Elijah asked once he caught up with Kyoufu.
Kyoufu pulled down her glasses and looked at Elijah. "I'm assuming you worked a job when you were living?" Kyoufu asked.
Why did she ask that? What would I need a job for?
Elijah nodded.
"Santiago is gonna give you one hell of an interview, Bubble-Gum Dumb-Dumb."
