Currently my book's synopsis is pretty short and snappy. That felt like the right call back when I first began posting here. But now I'm pondering if a bit of a longer and more detailed one may be better? I honestly can't decide so I figured I'd ask for thoughts.
Here's what up currently:
Daelus Thresh was a delegate.
To aid in the completion of his delegated duties he was granted the ability to project an entourage into being. An entourage was a physical manifestation of will, often appearing in the form of a human.
An entourage existed to act in direct accordance with its delegates' intentions. Daelus was meant to use this ability as a tool in the pursuit of his assigned goals.
Instead, he created Sheam. Then, everything changed.
—
A Quixotic Dystopian Anachropunk Allegorical Transgender Thriller
Delegates were individuals of exceptional skill and potential who were sent from the old world, to the new — a gift from the past to the future. Together, and under the guidance of their Benefactors, they were to ensure the stable continuance of society. Their goals were peace, order, and uniformity.
To aid in the completion of his delegated duties, Daelus was granted the ability to project an entourage into being. An entourage was a physical manifestation of will, often appearing in the form of a human. An entourage existed to act in direct accordance with its delegates' intentions. They could be servants, messengers, scouts, bodyguards, sock-puppets, or assassins.
Daelus was meant to use this ability as a tool in the pursuit of the goals assigned to him by the Benefactors.
Instead, he created Sheam. She would be none of those things.
Then, everything changed.
—
A Quixotic Dystopian Anachropunk Allegorical Transgender Thriller
I'd honestly rewrite, #sitonit.
Synopsis should be about what happens in the story (preferably. but I insist upon it). All I see is exposition & a premise.
I honestly feel like you could cut this down somewhat. The synopsis doesn't have to be too wordy, just enough to tell folks what is going on. I hope you didn't mind, but I came up with something "snappier", that should address everything you mentioned:
Daelus Thresh was one of many skilled individuals, called delegates, sent from the old world to the new to ensure the continued stability of its society. Under the guidance of their Benefactors, their goal was to bring about peace, order, and uniformity.
To help him, Daelus was granted the ability to project an entourage, a physical, usually human manifestation of will, into being. Since entourages existed only to follow its owners intentions, it was common for them to become servants, messengers, scouts, bodyguards, sock-puppets, or assassins.
Daelus was meant to use his ability to carry out the assignments of his Benefactors.
Instead, he created Sheam. She would be none of those things.
if you like surprises, do the short but snappy one. But if you want to impress Moderator John and the rest of the Royal Road denizens, go with the longer and detailed one.
I tend to write shorter ones and only read the first two paragraphs (or equivalent) of longer ones (especially when they include lists of what you will or will not find in the story).
Out of the two, the first one is better, but only because it's less cluttered than the second. Honestly, Ai-chan thinks you should just rewrite it. Less on terminologies, more on the story itself.
Ai-chan wanted to give you an example, unfortunately, Ai-chan is way too busy right now.
Obviously, the second option allows for much more narrative expansion.
Fiction, to a large extent, reflects human nature. If someone were given the chance to travel from the old world to the new, their greed would inevitably surge. They would crave the new world's technology, cuisine, and more—perhaps even worship its superior systems or develop more terrifying authoritarian ambitions.
But as a delegate raised under the Benefactors’ guidance, he is someone with "ideological excellence" and a clear mission. He must suppress those desires.
Daelus sincerely assists in fulfilling that mission.
But Sheam—she seems to know how to unlock the desires hidden deep within Thresh. Bit by bit, she leads him to discover pleasure in the new world...
I'd honestly rewrite, #sitonit.
Synopsis should be about what happens in the story (preferably. but I insist upon it). All I see is exposition & a premise.
I agree with this statement but I'd like to elaborate on why. (personal opinion)
I thought both were cool. Since you used the term "synopsis" I was expecting short so I would technically say to go with the shorter of the two. The reason I would agree with Dieter here is because by the time I was done reading your synopsis, yeah I was like "that sounds pretty cool" but I had no idea what kind of story I was in for. No concept of the stakes.
I treat this account as a sort of "Pen Name" where I can interact with people and experiment with works outside what people want and expect. So forgive me if I am vague here:
I recently released an indie game I had been working on for a while. Nothing special. Nothing amazing. Just something I wanted to do.
Towards the end of development the game's storyline felt decent. I liked it. I liked the characters... but something really bothered me. I noticed that for years, whenever anyone asked "what's it about" I had to launch into a long explanation like some kind of lore dump. You could see the person's soul leaving their eyes lol.
I researched synopsis styles and compared them to successful pitches (like if you were to pitch a story to a publisher). Usually we're talking maybe 2-5 sentences maximum. So I gave myself this challenge: I need to be able to tell someone what my game is about in one response. If not one sentence then at least in one breath. No launching into explanations or motivations. In doing this, I realized the weaknesses where my storyline favored premise over plot.
So in the spirit of one writer to another:
If someone were to ask you, "what is your story about?" How long would it take you to tell them? Could you give them an idea of what kind of story they are in for in 1 sentence? 2 sentences? 3? Or would it take an explanation?
To use my indie game story as an example (minor changed details for sake of Pen Name account):
I started with 1 sentence. (also because in selling games you gotta have various length descriptions for thumbnail, blurb, etc)
I figured if I could boil it down to it's essence I could expand from there.
A broken family must avenge their honor and save a distant realm in this retro-style RPG.
I was like, "okay so that's the single 1 sentence I would say in a thumbnail text or to test the waters if someone actually wanted to know or if they were just being polite." Then I expanded it into 3-5 sentences for a synopsis.
They both went their own way after their father was betrayed and killed. One became a nobody. The other, a somebody. But when a worthless treasure offers them clues to their father's murder, they must reunite and work together to pursue their father's killer--even as it leads them deeper and deeper into the legend of a forgotten evil.
So then, I felt like I could finally reply to someone with confidence when they asked, "what's your game about?" Afterwards, I extended the blurb with a second paragraph for flavor and flare. Like, "Journey to a distant world where magic flows like blah, blah, blah."
This is just a personal workflow example. I hope something was helpful to you on your own journey.
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Ha! God, I'm awful... In researching for this reply I just noticed a huge mistake in my process. I may have inadvertently projected that mistake onto your feedback request.
So a "Synopsis" is a detailed summary. So much so that it often contains plot points and spoilers. The synopsis is often used in pitch meetings. It's supposed to be detailed, so comparatively longer than what I was thinking of.
A "back-cover blurb" is the shorter, punchier summary meant to grab the reader's attention. Check this out, I just pulled it from Google: A synopsis and a back cover blurb both summarize a book, but they serve different purposes and have distinct characteristics. A synopsis is a detailed, comprehensive summary used for agent submissions or for publishers to assess a book's overall structure and narrative. It includes spoilers and aims to provide a clear understanding of the entire plot. A back cover blurb, on the other hand, is a concise, enticing summary designed to intrigue potential readers and encourage them to buy the book. It focuses on the core conflict, main characters, and overall tone, without giving away major plot points or the ending.
Not sure why it's highlighted like that... but... anyways this was the moment I realized I got the two things mixed up.
So I was approaching your request thinking it was a "blurb" rather than a "synopsis". Sorry, I got the two confused. I left up what I wrote, though, because it's still relevant (I think) to your situation. The idea that it was a cool premise but I had no idea what kind of story I would be in for if I committed to the read.
Probably not a big deal. I think we all use the term "synopsis" in a way that's understood. Just interesting to notice the standard industry terms.
That being said, if you don't mind a suggestion:
Daelus Thresh was a delegate.
Delegates were individuals of exceptional skill and potential who were sent from the old world, to the new — a gift from the past to the future. Together, and under the guidance of their Benefactors, they were to ensure the stable continuance of society. Their goals were peace, order, and uniformity.
To aid in the completion of his delegated duties, Daelus was granted the ability to project an entourage into being. An entourage was a physical manifestation of will, often appearing in the form of a human. An entourage existed to act in direct accordance with its delegates' intentions. They could be servants, messengers, scouts, bodyguards, sock-puppets, or assassins.
Daelus was meant to use this ability as a tool in the pursuit of the goals assigned to him by the Benefactors.
Instead, he created Sheam. She would be none of those things.
Then, everything changed.
I chose your most complete version as an example. It sounds like it would make for a cool anime. But I've got nothing to go on. I can't find any motivation or stakes. In my indie game example, I went with description then flare. For your style, if I were to adapt to it, might I suggest a similar workflow but with flare before description:
The Delegates--masters of skill and potential from another time. Empowered (financed? supported?) by the Benefactors and imbued with the ability to project ethereal (ghostly? phantom?) emodiments of will known as Entourage. Together they work ensure the stability of the new world. Through the Entourage, the Delegates seek to affect peace, order, and uniformity by force of will.
But Daelus Thresh was different.
DESCRIPTION
So in this version we boil down your premise to something more direct and compact, framing it in a way that (hopefully) leads the reader with a sense of forward motion. In doing this, though, you are signing a silent contract that says, "there's a point".
After the flare paragraph, I maintained the tone and style of your character introduction while changing it's placement. That singular note, like striking a deep-sounding bell: DAELUS THRESH.
Where I wrote DESCRIPTION gets difficult because there isn't much to go on, story wise, in your current synopsis. So I'm going to try my best to translate your vibe and tone into a possible description. This may or may not be close to your actual story but I hope it can illustrate what I am trying to communicate.
The Delegates--masters of skill and potential from another time. Empowered by the Benefactors and imbued with the ability to project ethereal emodiments of will known as Entourage. Together they work ensure the stability of the new world. Through the Entourage, the Delegates seek to affect peace, order, and uniformity by force of will.
But Daelus Thresh was different.
The Entourage is the will of the Delegate--just a stuffy old warning and Daelus never cared for the rules. On the day he created Sheam he realized he didn't much care for chains either. He knew that an Entourage with a will of it's own was a violation... But nothing could prepare him for the emergent consequences of Sheam's freedom. As things begin to spiral out of control, Daelus finds himself trapped between broken promises and lies of protection when Sheam starts to rebel.
How can one reach for the sky of a world they dare not tread?
So this version is based on the idea that your story might be about the consequences of autonomy and allowed existence. Attached is the idea that Daelus seeks to give Sheam some sort of freedom but perhaps ruins it when he has to protect Sheam not only from discovery by other Delegates, but from Sheam themself. Like maybe Sheam's inexperience with the world becomes a danger to them both.
(Sheam? Male? Female? Andro? Genderless? Not sure how to refer to them here. Leaning androgynous due to ethereal nature and possible significance of name "She-am". I am she? Maybe I'm reading too much into it.)
So in this version we put the flare up front: flavor, premise, lore, etc.
Then we follow up with the synopsis detail: who, what, why, at what cost.
As a reader, now I can be like "Oh, it sounds like someone tried to create life in some way and then the innocence of the life became a liability... intriguing". So even if I'm reading it wrong, I still at least have some idea for the kind of story I might encounter within the pages.
It's okay to give a little bit away in your synopsis and blurbs, I think. The way it was taught to me, you are seeking to build an intriguing arrow that points to a possibility. Let the reader see the path just enough that they think they might know where it could lead.
I hope this makes sense. Sorry for the walls of text.
