Short rant about allegations and doubts

[LuoirM]

Warning: R-word and SA allegations, underaged mentioned
Sorry for opening up in such a weird way at 4AM in the morning



For the last 4 years of my life my mind's been boggling with a very complex situation about me and a woman 4 years older than me, this was when I was around 14-15 years old (2020).
We had a weird relationship, the details I should let you imagine yourself. But after we broke off and went separate ways, I've felt the most terrible since she was very depressed after some in-game things I did that affected her and her image.

Spoiler: unnecessary details

I joke about how an item she graciously gave me out of the kindness of her heart was useless in this part of the map because the enemy have a skill that counter this specific item, I joke about this like twice. Before that I both directly and indirectly caused two of her characters die, then one time she was trying to defend me in an argument, I got cocky and tell the other party that they're a bunch of children (it's much more of an insult in my language), which made her look bad because she was on my side

Tonight, a random conversation with a friend that overheard about this story from both sides.
Well, not exactly both party, it's my view over here, and over there is the bystanders that were watching when me and her broke off, so it's not entirely her words.
He heard the story from the other side first, then approached me and asked me about mine, we were small friends before the whole incident so it's easy to talk.
He said that the situation, at large, is very stupid.
The other party (again, bystanders) accused me of SA and r-word-ing the girl, they told it to everyone new to the game long after I've already quit to steer clear of me. And for the longest time, I've thought so too, I feel horrible knowing that because of my action in-game, she went to therapy and shred a lot of tears.
Of course, I know full well, 100% that I did not r-word. But SA is a vague word for me, so I believe it straight away, because I was very pushy and have the personality of a sex-driven puberty teenager back then, even if I recount nothing I did that was bad.

I find a million ways to justify the other side and unjustify myself.
"Well, it's just a game, but I also said some really insensitive stuff in the game chat."
"I was really pushy when we were together irl"
"I was stupid back then"
"I don't remember what happened clearly that made her upset here and there, but it's because I'm heartless"

Today, the guy slapped me across the face and tell me one simple thing, really.
"Both of you gave consent, you never push on anything when she told you to stop. You both are dumb teenagers who are dramatic and mentally challenged but right now you're being accused of something horrible and you should stop adding fuel to the fire that is already burning you."

Oh my fucking god...
It clicked for me.
Fuck the bystanders that tell the story, she knows my address, they all know my address because I public it in the group chat once (bad idea boys). If they want, they can get a lawyer knocking on my door if something serious happen, she's rich enough (she lives in a gated community and afford therapy in a 3rd world country) to blow me into smitherines but if she doesn't say shit beyond what she already said and what I already acknowledged, why am I doubting myself? I should find the rumor spreaders and start "this won't kill a man, but it'll pepper them up nicely" to 'em.

During the whole conversation with him, I still tried to de-justify myself (image below), I take pride in my ability to never talk shit or at least minimize it to the non-existing range.

But now, I think I can find some closure and peace


Take everything in this post with a grain of salt, because, after all. I do not remember all the details, I do not know what or where I did more wrong than I let on for both him and you reading this, and I wish her nothing but the best, she was a nice person, I do think I was the worse one back then, this is just a 4AM rant, and I'll push the Post thread button at exactly 4:44 which means... Death in literally every Asian language, I think this post will backfired on me in court ngl.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Bruh.

 

[AYM]

Bruh x2.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

I feel like I just became the witness to something I didn't ever want to be.

 

[Gray_Mann]

Fuck man, what kind of games are people playing to get into THIS kind of drama? I need to know so I know not to play them.

 

[SRB]

Fuck man, what kind of games are people playing to get into THIS kind of drama? I need to know so I know not to play them.

D&D I think.

 

[BearlyAlive]

Bruh x3.

 

[Gray_Mann]

D&D I think.

That made me laugh. Don't know why.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Fuck man, what kind of games are people playing to get into THIS kind of drama? I need to know so I know not to play them.

D&D.

 

[Gray_Mann]

D&D.

Lesson learned.

 

[Sabruness]

 

[3guanoff]

Mate, let me get this straight. SA and all those censored PG versions are not what I am used to.

How much of this is about words and how much is about touch?
She was four years older, that means she was an adult in most countries. You were a teen.
I'd say that woman likely already had some mental issues if she took words that seriously. The good thing about words is that an independent adult can walk away from them. Are you playing games with people who call you a bastard or a bitch? Walk!

To go through the points:

But after we broke off and went separate ways, I've felt the most terrible since she was very depressed after some in-game things I did that affected her and her image

You affected her image? Too bad, but if her image is affected by things as trivial as described in your post, it is not much of an image. A good image is when you can talk on tape about grabbing someone's privates and your followers still like you.
In the first place, her image must be shit if she is having relations with teenage boys. Yes, if you can break something off, it is a relation.

I joke about how an item she graciously gave me out of the kindness of her heart was useless in this part of the map because the enemy have a skill that counter this specific item, I joke about this like twice.

She gave you free stuff and you were ungrateful, so what! That's not worth mentioning. It sounds neurotic and very insecure to be offended by something like that.

Before that I both directly and indirectly caused two of her characters die, [snip]

Does dying in that game cost money or something? She decided to play with you and she could also decide not to play with you, I do not see any drama here.

then one time she was trying to defend me in an argument, I got cocky and tell the other party that they're a bunch of children (it's much more of an insult in my language), which made her look bad because she was on my side

I've had mates do much worse. All of that is very human. Nothing to blame there. You could have insulted their mothers and I would still see nothing warranting this much drama.

He said that the situation, at large, is very stupid.
The other party (again, bystanders) accused me of SA and r-word-ing the girl, they told it to everyone new to the game long after I've already quit to steer clear of me. And for the longest time, I've thought so too, I feel horrible knowing that because of my action in-game, she went to therapy and shred a lot of tears.
Of course, I know full well, 100% that I did not r-word. But SA is a vague word for me, so I believe it straight away, because I was very pushy and have the personality of a sex-driven puberty teenager back then, even if I recount nothing I did that was bad.

This is the only part I am not clear on. Did you make her send you pictures? Or to reiterate, did you touch her? Not in the game but in reality? The good thing about games is that you can log off. Or you can report inappropriate things to a moderator. In general, I do not see the power dynamic here: she, the adult, felt powerless to remove herself from the influence of a 14/15yo in a game?
Unless she had significant mental issues before you ever met, that is doubtful. And if she did, she should be playing such games unsupervised.

"I was really pushy when we were together irl"

Define pushy. Did she say "no"? If so, both of you got a problem. She got a problem because you were underage. And you got a problem because that's a bit more than being pushy. I would still consider the power dynamics very... interesting since she was an adult.

Those four years make a difference.
As for pedophilia, that's liking children. Whether they like you back is not immediately relevant. A nineteen year old starting a relationship with a fifteen year old is messed up. Do you have any younger sisters? Imagine it.
At that age, four years are very significant. Brains are developing quickly. A nine year old with a thirteen year old? A twelve year old with a sixteen year old? Fifteen and nineteen is just as problematic.

It is good that she is getting therapy. She sounds like a very sick woman.

Fuck the bystanders that tell the story, she knows my address, they all know my address because I public it in the group chat once (bad idea boys). If they want, they can get a lawyer knocking on my door if something serious happen, she's rich enough (she lives in a gated community and afford therapy in a 3rd world country) to blow me into smitherines but if she doesn't say shit beyond what she already said and what I already acknowledged, why am I doubting myself? I should find the rumor spreaders and start "this won't kill a man, but it'll pepper them up nicely" to 'em.

Death in literally every Asian language, I think this post will backfired on me in court ngl.

Very bad idea indeed. My recommendation is cutting ties and letting go. You are an adult now, is that right? You need a change of scenery. If that is not possible, a change of people. Walk like a man.

 

[LuoirM]

Very bad idea indeed. My recommendation is cutting ties and letting go. You are an adult now, is that right? You need a change of scenery. If that is not possible, a change of people. Walk like a man.

It took a lot of courage, but I managed to walked away in 2022. Haven't seen anything or anyone since then, but I know that they are still talking about me, hence the guy that approached me for questions.

This is the only part I am not clear on. Did you make her send you pictures? Or to reiterate, did you touch her? Not in the game but in reality?

No to both, I'd say she wear the pants in the relationship we had, I don't think I never force her to do anything, in fact this might sound bad but she found a weird sense of joy occasionally slapping me when I was resting my head near her . Nothing to crazy, playfully
I do remember one time in a movie theater I was touchy, which could be the case. I stopped and she didn't say much about that when I get home, she only gets more irretated as the game goes on and I kept being an asshole ingame. So probably a case of domino effect?

Does dying in that game cost money or something?

No

Define pushy. Did she say "no"?

Spoiler: NSFW

By my definition of pushy, whenever we met at her house (like above 4 times), I'd ask for for intimate touching, not sex, because I myself did not find that enjoyable when we tried for my first time (so after all those years I'm technically virgin), and she most of the case would say yes, it's stop at around me touching around her then we got back to watching TV or playing games on our phone & talking. I really enjoy asking for that whenever we were near so I think that's quite pushy when she just want my company (She didn't explicitely say so, I just assume so right now as I am thinking back)

Fuck man, what kind of games are people playing to get into THIS kind of drama? I need to know so I know not to play them.

90% Homebrew DnD on Facebook by a 30 yo medieval fantasy nerd who loves Roleplaying like the rest of us.

Damn, that sound even worse.

 

[Dark_Phoenix_Zaetyk]

Okay i am speechless.

 

[LuoirM]

Okay i am speechless.

Hi speechless I'm Luoir

 

[3guanoff]

It took a lot of courage, but I managed to walked away in 2022. Haven't seen anything or anyone since then, but I know that they are still talking about me, hence the guy that approached me for questions.

If you walked away, that's it. Here are some appropriate responses to someone asking questions like, "Good to catch ya mate, I heard <thing you walked away from>, is that true?" or "Was that you?" or "Can I get your perspective on that?"

#1 Denial
Be blatant. Just deny it. Politicians do it all the time and it works!

"That wasn't me. You must be confusing me with someone else."

"You heard wrong."

"I cannot recall."

"That has nothing to do with me. Please do not mention it again."

"I have done nothing wrong, and that is all I will say."

Use one or two of those and then keep your mouth shut. Keeping silent is a time proven tactic. It's a valuable skill that will help you a lot in life. Acquire it!

#2 Deflection
Make it about them. Anyone who is not your closest friend or dearest family member should not be asking you about this. If they are just a passing acquaintance, this is none of their business and they are being rude. Let them know they are.

"I was underage and she was an adult, but how are we related again?"
They will tell you that you are not related.
"I see, since you were asking about such a personal matter, I was sure you must be my long lost relative."

"Why are you interested in such matters, are you having relations with any underage persons?"

"Do you think it is appropriate to ask such questions?"

"I appreciate you trying to get both sides of the story, but how does this involve you? Are you majoring in investigative journalism?"

"Thank you for your concern, but you are neither my lawyer, my confidant, nor my psychologist."

"Are you qualified to give me advice? I would be weary to involve myself in such matter and leave it to professionals. One can do more harm than good."

If they are smart, they will switch topics. Else, I advise you to fall back on the bullet proof "shutting up and walking away".

#3 The Dao of Thousand Whys
This is a mix of everything. It's the art of not saying anything while talking. Here is an example:

"Mate, I heard <the thing>. Is that true?"
"What do you think?"
"Idk mate, those are serious allegations."
"Then why are you uncertain?"
"I don't think you would do something like that, but then again, she is my friend."
"Why don't you think I would do something like that?"
"You don't seem like the aggressive type, idk, did you?"
"What do I seem like?"
"A bit clingy tbh, idk mate."
"Why do you think so?"
[...] repeat till ideal outcome:
"Now that I think about it, what she said sounds like bollocks, thanks for clarifying mate!"
"Glad I could help, but please don't bring it up again. I want to let the past rest."

You do not make any statements. Instead, you pick out parts of the other party's statements to form questions. This tactic is more advanced than #1 and #2. If you pick or focus on the wrong part of the statements, you can end up in a dead end. In that case, fall back on keeping your mouth shut and getting out of there.

Anyone who tries to force you to speak or keep you from leaving is not your friend. Be ruthless.

No to both, I'd say she wear the pants in the relationship we had, I don't think I never force her to do anything, in fact this might sound bad but she found a weird sense of joy occasionally slapping me when I was resting my head near her . Nothing to crazy, playfully
I do remember one time in a movie theater I was touchy, which could be the case. I stopped and she didn't say much about that when I get home, she only gets more irretated as the game goes on and I kept being an asshole ingame. So probably a case of domino effect?

What sounds bad is that she started a relationship with you. Playfully slapping you around does not make it much worse since it already is fucking bad. It certainly does not sound like she felt intimidated by you.
Being an asshole isn't nice, but most teenagers are moody. If you disrespected her or touched her and she gave you a good slap, I wouldn't blame her. But having relations is inappropriate.
An adult being romantically involved with a minor is fucked up. Whether the minor is an asshole, ungrateful, or wants it too is irrelevant. It's a matter of power, reason, and maturity. We already established she was not under any duress. Hence, she must lack either reason or maturity. But none of that matters. Do not excuse her and have more compassion for yourself.
You were an idiot for getting involved, leaking your address, not walking away sooner, and a number of other things. All of those are stupid. So what! People are stupid. Judging by what you told me, you did not abuse your power to harm anyone weaker than you. You harmed yourself. The only person who can blame you is you. And the only person you need to apologize to is yourself.

Spoiler: quote of nsfw

By my definition of pushy, whenever we met at her house (like above 4 times), I'd ask for for intimate touching, not sex, because I myself did not find that enjoyable when we tried for my first time (so after all those years I'm technically virgin), and she most of the case would say yes, it's stop at around me touching around her then we got back to watching TV or playing games on our phone & talking. I really enjoy asking for that whenever we were near so I think that's quite pushy when she just want my company (She didn't explicitely say so, I just assume so right now as I am thinking back)

She said yes. She did not tell you to stop. She did not say you were pushy. What is your standard, mind reading? It was her damn house. As an adult, she could stop inviting you, ask you to stop, ask you to be less pushy, heck, she could calmly explain to you why it is inappropriate!

Mate, I know it is great to see the world as peaches and rainbows with one black spot: yourself. After all, everyone is so nice, must be yourself who is all fucked up, right? Wrong. You can be the best human on the planet and bad shit will still happen to you.

That woman was an adult. As an adult yourself, you should understand. Would you approach a fifteen year old girl? Would you invite her to your house? Okay, maybe that's still alright. If she asked you to touch intimately, would you? Should the answer be yes, you've got a serious problem. Sure, your body can react. She might look older and hot, but as an adult, you need a modicum of self control. This applies to women, too.

I know you won't be able to accept it immediately, but the sooner the better.
Otherwise, you might do some really messed up things that are actually your fault and end up a drunkard.

 

[LuoirM]

If you walked away, that's it. Here are some appropriate responses to someone asking questions like, "Good to catch ya mate, I heard <thing you walked away from>, is that true?" or "Was that you?" or "Can I get your perspective on that?"

#1 Denial
Be blatant. Just deny it. Politicians do it all the time and it works!

"That wasn't me. You must be confusing me with someone else."

"You heard wrong."

"I cannot recall."

"That has nothing to do with me. Please do not mention it again."

"I have done nothing wrong, and that is all I will say."

Use one or two of those and then keep your mouth shut. Keeping silent is a time proven tactic. It's a valuable skill that will help you a lot in life. Acquire it!

#2 Deflection
Make it about them. Anyone who is not your closest friend or dearest family member should not be asking you about this. If they are just a passing acquaintance, this is none of their business and they are being rude. Let them know they are.

"I was underage and she was an adult, but how are we related again?"
They will tell you that you are not related.
"I see, since you were asking about such a personal matter, I was sure you must be my long lost relative."

"Why are you interested in such matters, are you having relations with any underage persons?"

"Do you think it is appropriate to ask such questions?"

"I appreciate you trying to get both sides of the story, but how does this involve you? Are you majoring in investigative journalism?"

"Thank you for your concern, but you are neither my lawyer, my confidant, nor my psychologist."

"Are you qualified to give me advice? I would be weary to involve myself in such matter and leave it to professionals. One can do more harm than good."

If they are smart, they will switch topics. Else, I advise you to fall back on the bullet proof "shutting up and walking away".

#3 The Dao of Thousand Whys
This is a mix of everything. It's the art of not saying anything while talking. Here is an example:

"Mate, I heard <the thing>. Is that true?"
"What do you think?"
"Idk mate, those are serious allegations."
"Then why are you uncertain?"
"I don't think you would do something like that, but then again, she is my friend."
"Why don't you think I would do something like that?"
"You don't seem like the aggressive type, idk, did you?"
"What do I seem like?"
"A bit clingy tbh, idk mate."
"Why do you think so?"
[...] repeat till ideal outcome:
"Now that I think about it, what she said sounds like bollocks, thanks for clarifying mate!"
"Glad I could help, but please don't bring it up again. I want to let the past rest."

You do not make any statements. Instead, you pick out parts of the other party's statements to form questions. This tactic is more advanced than #1 and #2. If you pick or focus on the wrong part of the statements, you can end up in a dead end. In that case, fall back on keeping your mouth shut and getting out of there.

Anyone who tries to force you to speak or keep you from leaving is not your friend. Be ruthless.


What sounds bad is that she started a relationship with you. Playfully slapping you around does not make it much worse since it already is fucking bad. It certainly does not sound like she felt intimidated by you.
Being an asshole isn't nice, but most teenagers are moody. If you disrespected her or touched her and she gave you a good slap, I wouldn't blame her. But having relations is inappropriate.
An adult being romantically involved with a minor is fucked up. Whether the minor is an asshole, ungrateful, or wants it too is irrelevant. It's a matter of power, reason, and maturity. We already established she was not under any duress. Hence, she must lack either reason or maturity. But none of that matters. Do not excuse her and have more compassion for yourself.
You were an idiot for getting involved, leaking your address, not walking away sooner, and a number of other things. All of those are stupid. So what! People are stupid. Judging by what you told me, you did not abuse your power to harm anyone weaker than you. You harmed yourself. The only person who can blame you is you. And the only person you need to apologize to is yourself.

Spoiler: quote of nsfw

She said yes. She did not tell you to stop. She did not say you were pushy. What is your standard, mind reading? It was her damn house. As an adult, she could stop inviting you, ask you to stop, ask you to be less pushy, heck, she could calmly explain to you why it is inappropriate!

Mate, I know it is great to see the world as peaches and rainbows with one black spot: yourself. After all, everyone is so nice, must be yourself who is all fucked up, right? Wrong. You can be the best human on the planet and bad shit will still happen to you.

That woman was an adult. As an adult yourself, you should understand. Would you approach a fifteen year old girl? Would you invite her to your house? Okay, maybe that's still alright. If she asked you to touch intimately, would you? Should the answer be yes, you've got a serious problem. Sure, your body can react. She might look older and hot, but as an adult, you need a modicum of self control. This applies to women, too.

I know you won't be able to accept it immediately, but the sooner the better.
Otherwise, you might do some really messed up things that are actually your fault and end up a drunkard.

Jesus fucking christ...

This is...

Omg, I feel like there's a drill hole in my brain and you just start slamming your crotch into it to give it ventilation for thoughts to pour in. Enlightenment, is probably the word.

Thank you a lot for your input, I got a much better view of the situation now I believe...

Will you be my stepfather?

 

[Hans.Trondheim]

We all made stupid decisions once, @LuoirM . What sets apart the sane from the insane is that, the sane turned away from his/her stupid ways. Sure, there are consequences for our actions, but it's always great to have a peace of mind knowing that you already accepted your mistakes and grew up.

People will always have something bad to say behind your back, even when you try to get along with everyone. Well, their opinions don't matter, as long as you know yourself and corrected the mistakes you did.

 

[RepresentingDesire]

Got accused of similar stuff and it was hilarious, it helped me finally develop distrust.
It's partly my fault because every word that was said made me laugh.
Fun fact there were no consequences.

If you walked away, that's it. Here are some appropriate responses to someone asking questions like, "Good to catch ya mate, I heard <thing you walked away from>, is that true?" or "Was that you?" or "Can I get your perspective on that?"

#1 Denial
Be blatant. Just deny it. Politicians do it all the time and it works!

"That wasn't me. You must be confusing me with someone else."

"You heard wrong."

"I cannot recall."

"That has nothing to do with me. Please do not mention it again."

"I have done nothing wrong, and that is all I will say."

Use one or two of those and then keep your mouth shut. Keeping silent is a time proven tactic. It's a valuable skill that will help you a lot in life. Acquire it!

#2 Deflection
Make it about them. Anyone who is not your closest friend or dearest family member should not be asking you about this. If they are just a passing acquaintance, this is none of their business and they are being rude. Let them know they are.

"I was underage and she was an adult, but how are we related again?"
They will tell you that you are not related.
"I see, since you were asking about such a personal matter, I was sure you must be my long lost relative."

"Why are you interested in such matters, are you having relations with any underage persons?"

"Do you think it is appropriate to ask such questions?"

"I appreciate you trying to get both sides of the story, but how does this involve you? Are you majoring in investigative journalism?"

"Thank you for your concern, but you are neither my lawyer, my confidant, nor my psychologist."

"Are you qualified to give me advice? I would be weary to involve myself in such matter and leave it to professionals. One can do more harm than good."

If they are smart, they will switch topics. Else, I advise you to fall back on the bullet proof "shutting up and walking away".

#3 The Dao of Thousand Whys
This is a mix of everything. It's the art of not saying anything while talking. Here is an example:

"Mate, I heard <the thing>. Is that true?"
"What do you think?"
"Idk mate, those are serious allegations."
"Then why are you uncertain?"
"I don't think you would do something like that, but then again, she is my friend."
"Why don't you think I would do something like that?"
"You don't seem like the aggressive type, idk, did you?"
"What do I seem like?"
"A bit clingy tbh, idk mate."
"Why do you think so?"
[...] repeat till ideal outcome:
"Now that I think about it, what she said sounds like bollocks, thanks for clarifying mate!"
"Glad I could help, but please don't bring it up again. I want to let the past rest."

You do not make any statements. Instead, you pick out parts of the other party's statements to form questions. This tactic is more advanced than #1 and #2. If you pick or focus on the wrong part of the statements, you can end up in a dead end. In that case, fall back on keeping your mouth shut and getting out of there.

Anyone who tries to force you to speak or keep you from leaving is not your friend. Be ruthless.


What sounds bad is that she started a relationship with you. Playfully slapping you around does not make it much worse since it already is fucking bad. It certainly does not sound like she felt intimidated by you.
Being an asshole isn't nice, but most teenagers are moody. If you disrespected her or touched her and she gave you a good slap, I wouldn't blame her. But having relations is inappropriate.
An adult being romantically involved with a minor is fucked up. Whether the minor is an asshole, ungrateful, or wants it too is irrelevant. It's a matter of power, reason, and maturity. We already established she was not under any duress. Hence, she must lack either reason or maturity. But none of that matters. Do not excuse her and have more compassion for yourself.
You were an idiot for getting involved, leaking your address, not walking away sooner, and a number of other things. All of those are stupid. So what! People are stupid. Judging by what you told me, you did not abuse your power to harm anyone weaker than you. You harmed yourself. The only person who can blame you is you. And the only person you need to apologize to is yourself.

Spoiler: quote of nsfw

She said yes. She did not tell you to stop. She did not say you were pushy. What is your standard, mind reading? It was her damn house. As an adult, she could stop inviting you, ask you to stop, ask you to be less pushy, heck, she could calmly explain to you why it is inappropriate!

Mate, I know it is great to see the world as peaches and rainbows with one black spot: yourself. After all, everyone is so nice, must be yourself who is all fucked up, right? Wrong. You can be the best human on the planet and bad shit will still happen to you.

That woman was an adult. As an adult yourself, you should understand. Would you approach a fifteen year old girl? Would you invite her to your house? Okay, maybe that's still alright. If she asked you to touch intimately, would you? Should the answer be yes, you've got a serious problem. Sure, your body can react. She might look older and hot, but as an adult, you need a modicum of self control. This applies to women, too.

I know you won't be able to accept it immediately, but the sooner the better.
Otherwise, you might do some really messed up things that are actually your fault and end up a drunkard.

I did those things and they helped, saying nothing at the right time is helpful too. Self created lies tend to be more effective.

 

[Rhaps]

@LuoirM being groomed was not on my 2024 check list (I thought it would be the other way around), then again, 2024 is a bad year for minors.

That said, might be my narcissism speaking, I can't even conveived that you didn't try to defend yourself first. You had all the cards with you.

You were not in the wrong, just a teenager being a teenager, especially when she spread these infomations first.