Seniors, help this junior in his tribulation!!

[RoboPigeon]

You sound aggressive in your comments, it seems like you're looking for praise, not criticism. I'm not sure you're actually ready for real feedback.

Please give me your real feedback then I am ready for it but please be civil here. I have a very fragile ego.

 

[HisDivineShadow]

I'm not a pro and still learning myself, so don’t take my notes as some kind of expert critique. I can point out what I noticed based on what I’m currently studying. I’m learning to spot these kinds of issues in other people’s writing so it’ll be easier to catch them in my own work later.
If you're cool with that, I can break it down in a list. No sugarcoating, no hand-holding.

 

[RoboPigeon]

I'm not a pro and still learning myself, so don’t take my notes as some kind of expert critique. I can point out what I noticed based on what I’m currently studying. I’m learning to spot these kinds of issues in other people’s writing so it’ll be easier to catch them in my own work later.
If you're cool with that, I can break it down in a list. No sugarcoating, no hand-holding.

I have no problem with that. I'd be happy you critique my work.

 

[HisDivineShadow]

So.
1)Info-dumps . 2)Way too much internal monologue gets exhausting fast. 3)Everyone except the main character feels flat: they react but don’t act, like they don’t exist offscreen. 4)No consequences. 5)Too much humor, often in the wrong places. 6)New events don’t actually change anything. Again, no real consequences. No tension. 7)Too many lectures = just more info-dumps.
What’s good:
1)The writing flows well, it’s easy to read, nothing makes you want to stop or close the tab. 2)The sense of humor is definitely a plus, just don’t turn it into a full-on pub stand-up routine. 3)The main character feels like a real person. His motivation is clear and makes sense. 4)The world, I’m assuming you came up with it yourself that’s awesome.
And most importantly: don’t listen to anyone if you’re enjoying the process. If it brings you joy, keep writing.

 

[RoboPigeon]

So.
1)Info-dumps . 2)Way too much internal monologue gets exhausting fast. 3)Everyone except the main character feels flat: they react but don’t act, like they don’t exist offscreen. 4)No consequences. 5)Too much humor, often in the wrong places. 6)New events don’t actually change anything. Again, no real consequences. No tension. 7)Too many lectures = just more info-dumps.
IWhat’s good:
1)The writing flows well, it’s easy to read, nothing makes you want to stop or close the tab. 2)The sense of humor is definitely a plus, just don’t turn it into a full-on pub stand-up routine. 3)The main character feels like a real person. His motivation is clear and makes sense. 4)The world, I’m assuming you came up with it yourself that’s awesome.
And most importantly: don’t listen to anyone if you’re enjoying the process. If it brings you joy, keep writing.

Thank you for giving your precious time.

*Info dump is definitely a problem I need to work on.
*I will try to decrease the monologues, thanks I did not notice how excess it was.
*As for consequences well, the story is just starting.
*Tension hmm i will work on that.
*people might not like side character's point of view this early so i was saving their povs for later. But this still seems a big problem to me. I will edit the chapters and include them a bit among the lines for now.

Thanks again you definitely helped me.