Review

[A-Random-Writer]

Hello people of scribble hub. Could someone please review my story? I been working on this as a passion project for about 2-3 weeks and I just to see what people think about it.

Maybe my high school life won’t be so bad after all!

My first public novel. Sixteen-year-old Saeki Kazuya transfers to Sakuragaoka High School with one goal in mind: 'I don't want to be alone anymore.' His quiet and 'Why are you speaking to me?' personality makes him fade into a background character. His classmates barely acknowledge his...

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[K_Nishi]

There may be a small inconsistency between the initial description
(“a complete loner who can barely hold a conversation with his little brother”)
and how Kazuya acts later on, since he’s shown having fairly normal conversations.
It might be worth adjusting this early on.

• In Ch.1 you describe Kazuya as someone who can “barely hold a conversation with his little brother,” but in Ch.1 and especially Ch.2 he actually communicates pretty normally (asks about dinner, responds smoothly at check-in, does back-and-forth Q&A with Shizuku, even counters her questions and improvises a lie).
• Because of that, the “loner / can’t talk” setup doesn’t match what we’re shown on the page, so his characterization feels inconsistent.

Possible fixes:

1. Soften the opener: he can talk to family, but struggles with classmates / peers.
2. Or adjust the scenes to show real difficulty (short answers, awkward pauses, failing to respond, avoiding eye contact, etc.).
3. Or make it intentional: he’s functional, but his self-image is distorted—then highlight that gap clearly so it reads as characterization rather than a mistake.

 

[A-Random-Writer]

There may be a small inconsistency between the initial description
(“a complete loner who can barely hold a conversation with his little brother”)
and how Kazuya acts later on, since he’s shown having fairly normal conversations.
It might be worth adjusting this early on.

• In Ch.1 you describe Kazuya as someone who can “barely hold a conversation with his little brother,” but in Ch.1 and especially Ch.2 he actually communicates pretty normally (asks about dinner, responds smoothly at check-in, does back-and-forth Q&A with Shizuku, even counters her questions and improvises a lie).
• Because of that, the “loner / can’t talk” setup doesn’t match what we’re shown on the page, so his characterization feels inconsistent.

Possible fixes:

1. Soften the opener: he can talk to family, but struggles with classmates / peers.
2. Or adjust the scenes to show real difficulty (short answers, awkward pauses, failing to respond, avoiding eye contact, etc.).
3. Or make it intentional: he’s functional, but his self-image is distorted—then highlight that gap clearly so it reads as characterization rather than a mistake.

Noted. I will think of a different way to describe Kazuya. And quick question, what do you mean by "Self-image is distorted"? I'm a little lost on the meaning of that.

 

[K_Nishi]

Noted. I will think of a different way to describe Kazuya. And quick question, what do you mean by "Self-image is distorted"? I'm a little lost on the meaning of that.

By “self-image is distorted,” I just meant that Kazuya might judge himself much more harshly than other people do.
He feels like he’s bad at talking, even though his actions show he can still communicate normally.
Making that difference clearer can help the characterization come across as intentional.

 

[A-Random-Writer]

By “self-image is distorted,” I just meant that Kazuya might judge himself much more harshly than other people do.
He feels like he’s bad at talking, even though his actions show he can still communicate normally.
Making that difference clearer can help the characterization come across as intentional.

Oh, that makes sense. Thank you for taking the time to give feedback.