Review swarp please

[Zenomew]

Review my novel, and I'll review yours
Here is the link

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1096211/the-reincarnated-archmage-needs-to-learn-magic-circles/

 

[Nolff]

Review my novel, and I'll review yours
Here is the link

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1096211/the-reincarnated-archmage-needs-to-learn-magic-circles/

Hold up.

I'm sure as hell you've already made a review swap thread somewhere here.

 

[Zenomew]

Hold up.

I'm sure as hell you've already made a review swap thread somewhere here.

no, I just shared mine in someone else's

 

[Nolff]

no, I just shared mine in someone else's

Ah okay.

 

[Little-Moon]

Alright, I am in and try my Luck :) I cannot guarantee for Grammatical Stuff (Suck at it) but I do hope you have fun.

World Wanderer

 

[Nolff]

Alright, I am in and try my Luck :) I cannot guarantee for Grammatical Stuff (Suck at it) but I do hope you have fun.

World Wanderer

*Joined: Mar 15, 2021*
*Points: 43*

Alr, here's a draft of my upcoming new series

Jim's Computer

Day 1 ============================================== He hears knocking on the door, and some footsteps heading away from his doorstep. He gets up from his bed and walks hastily to the front door. He opens the door slowly, being the timid person he is, looking to his surroundings. Nobody ...

docs.google.com

Review my novel, and I'll review yours
Here is the link

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1096211/the-reincarnated-archmage-needs-to-learn-magic-circles/

 

[Little-Moon]

*Joined: Mar 15, 2021*
*Points: 43*
View attachment 29709
Alr, here's a draft of my upcoming new series

Jim's Computer

Day 1 ============================================== He hears knocking on the door, and some footsteps heading away from his doorstep. He gets up from his bed and walks hastily to the front door. He opens the door slowly, being the timid person he is, looking to his surroundings. Nobody ...

docs.google.com

I am just not so much for posting at the Forums XD.

Alr then, I'll try out your draft.

 

[Nolff]

I am just not so much for posting at the Forums XD.

Alr then, I'll try out your draft.

Leme try yours

Alright, I am in and try my Luck :) I cannot guarantee for Grammatical Stuff (Suck at it) but I do hope you have fun.

World Wanderer

*53 Chapters*

Please give me the chaps you want me to review, cuz I don't want to spend my time reading all those chaps.

Ima go to the first chap
@Little-Moon

One of your readers has put a review, go check it out.

Also, just from that review alone, I recommend you to use Grammarly.

You don't need to buy the premium. All you need is the crucial fix of your story.
O-Okay...

As a person of literacy born by a woman who's a literacy lecturer, the first sentence of the first chapter alone hurts my soul.
Ryuuji's a guy, why'd you refer to him as 'she'?

And what'd you mean by 'she smiled back'? Ryuuji didn't show a smile to Sophie.
I-I can't continue.

I know I could, but I don't have the strength to do it.

I can't just turn off the rules of English in my mind just to read a chaotically made novel with unEDITED words with no grammatical laws applied at all.

Sorry not to give a full review, I seriously cannot let my soul be torn apart by it.

 

[Zenomew]

*Joined: Mar 15, 2021*
*Points: 43*
View attachment 29709
Alr, here's a draft of my upcoming new series

Jim's Computer

Day 1 ============================================== He hears knocking on the door, and some footsteps heading away from his doorstep. He gets up from his bed and walks hastily to the front door. He opens the door slowly, being the timid person he is, looking to his surroundings. Nobody ...

docs.google.com

The story captures a sense of isolation and suspense effectively. The protagonist, a timid individual, eagerly awaits the arrival of his new computer, which represents a connection to the outside world.. until he realises that there someone or something else is 'stalking ' him in his house

there could be some points of improvement

Like describe the setting in more detail. What does his home look like? Is it cluttered or minimalist? This would help readers visualize the scene better.

Smooth out transitions between different parts of the day. For instance, from using the computer to playing with the items and then to bedtime, adding a bit more narrative glue can make the flow more seamless.

 

[Little-Moon]

Leme try yours

*53 Chapters*

View attachment 29715
Please give me the chaps you want me to review, cuz I don't want to spend my time reading all those chaps.

Ima go to the first chap
@Little-Moon

One of your readers has put a review, go check it out.

Also, just from that review alone, I recommend you to use Grammarly.

You don't need to buy the premium. All you need is the crucial fix of your story.
O-Okay...

As a person of literacy born by a woman who's a literacy lecturer, the first sentence of the first chapter alone hurts my soul.
Ryuuji's a guy, why'd you refer to him as 'she'?

And what'd you mean by 'she smiled back'? Ryuuji didn't show a smile to Sophie.
I-I can't continue.

I know I could, but I don't have the strength to do it.

I can't just turn off the rules of English in my mind just to read a chaotically made novel with unEDITED words with no grammatical laws applied at all.

Sorry not to give a full review, I seriously cannot let my soul be torn apart by it.

View attachment 29718

Well I don't know what you read, but it definitely was not my story. Thank you anyway.

As for why it was not my Story.

1. I don't even have anyone called Ryuji in my Story. Edit: I find myself corrected there is someone called Ryuuji, mentioned in passing, greeted once. And it's the first name of the guy whom I only kept addressing with his last name.

2. I have 56 Chapters upwards. (The first few would have been more then enough)

PS. There is a Link, to follow in here, and a Link to follow in the Signature. I checked them out, they work.

 

[Zenomew]

This is your book right ?

 

[Little-Moon]

This is your book right ?

Yes. It is. Without anyone called Ryuji in there.
My only Japanese Chara is named Tanaka and he is a middle aged guy who dates his work colleague.

 

[Zenomew]

Pl

Yes. It is. Without anyone called Ryuji in there.
My only Japanese Chara is named Tanaka and he is a middle aged guy who dates his work colleague.

Please check your first chapter there is a guy called Ryuji

 

[Little-Moon]

Pl

Please check your first chapter there is a guy called Ryuji

I find myself corrected there is someone called Ryuji, called by that name once in passing when he is greeted.

Sorry it was so relatively unimportant I forgot.

 

[Zenomew]

I find myself corrected there is someone called Ryuji, mentioned once in passing when he is greeted.

Sorry it was so relatively unimportant I forgot.

It's fine author's tend to forget about minor characters

 

[Little-Moon]

It's fine author's tend to forget about minor characters

Nah still I'm sorry. I called him that once. Once in the entire story and I probably should have remembered that before throwing around things.

 

[Nolff]

The story captures a sense of isolation and suspense effectively. The protagonist, a timid individual, eagerly awaits the arrival of his new computer, which represents a connection to the outside world.. until he realises that there someone or something else is 'stalking ' him in his house

there could be some points of improvement

Like describe the setting in more detail. What does his home look like? Is it cluttered or minimalist? This would help readers visualize the scene better.

Smooth out transitions between different parts of the day. For instance, from using the computer to playing with the items and then to bedtime, adding a bit more narrative glue can make the flow more seamless.

Wait, I forgor to tell that I am writing a fanfic

Well I don't know what you read, but it definitely was not my story. Thank you anyway.

As for why it was not my Story.

1. I don't even have anyone called Ryuji in my Story. Edit: I find myself corrected there is someone called Ryuuji, mentioned in passing, greeted once. And it's the first name of the guy whom I only kept addressing with his last name.

2. I have 56 Chapters upwards. (The first few would have been more then enough)

PS. There is a Link, to follow in here, and a Link to follow in the Signature. I checked them out, they work.

THEN WHY'D YOU GAVE ME THE LINK INSTEAD OF TELLING ME TO CLICK YOUR SIG FIRST

 

[Zenomew]

Nah still I'm sorry. I called him that once. Once in the entire story and I probably should have remembered that before throwing around things.

Anyways I am currently reading your story I don't mean to offend you,It is a great story but it needs some improvements

Mainly
- Comma Usage: Ensure commas are used correctly to separate clauses and items in a list.
- Example: "She got back up and poured some hot water, then put in some Earl Grey." instead of "She got back up and poured some hot water, and then putting in some Earl Grey."

Dialogue Tags: Punctuation inside quotation marks and proper capitalization for dialogue tags.
- Example: "I live only once, and I love being cheery," she said and got back out.

2. Tense Consistency:
- Maintain consistent tense throughout the narrative. The story shifts between past and present tense.
- Example: "Neither of them was a big morning person," should be "Neither of them is a big morning person," if maintaining present tense.

3. Clarity and Flow:

Transitions: Improve transitions between scenes to enhance the story's flow.
- Example: "After a few seconds, taking a cautious sip, she let out a happy whine. 'Caffeine,' she muttered to herself." could be: "She took a cautious sip, then let out a happy whine. 'Caffeine,' she muttered."

.

4. Characterization and Descriptions:
Show, Don't Tell: Use more descriptive language to show character emotions and actions rather than simply telling the reader.
- Example: "Her cheeks rosy with big smile plastered on her face," instead of just "all cheery."

Consistency in Names: Ensure consistency in character names to avoid confusion.
- Example: "Janette" is referred to as "July" at one point, which should be consistent as "Janette."

5.Dialogue:
- Ensure realistic and natural dialogue. Some lines can be refined to sound more conversational.
- Example: "I live only once, and I love being cheery." can be more natural as "You only live once, and I love being cheerful."

Corrected Passage Excerpt

Janette stumbled down the stairs, walking into the kitchen in a zombie-like state. Yawning, she took a cup from the cabinet with a banner saying "No Coffee, No Workee" and put the kettle on.

She sat down, waiting for the kettle to whistle. Once it did, she got up, poured some hot water, and added some Earl Grey. Taking a cautious sip, she let out a happy whine. "Caffeine," she muttered. "Why did I quit drinking coffee again?" she asked herself as she saw her father from the corner of her eye, repeating her actions. He stumbled over to her and kissed her cheek. "Morning, my sweetie," he said. She answered with a hum. Neither of them were morning people, which was ironic since both had jobs that required early rising.

They spent their early morning nursing their respective cups. Janette saw her mother walk down, all cheery, with rosy cheeks and a big smile. The two eyed her. "Morning, people," Janette grumbled and hugged her mom, who stretched out her arms. After a tight hug, Janette smiled brightly. "I am off to work." She walked back to her room, changed into her work clothes—a simple pair of black slacks and a white blouse—then tied up her hair.

She ran down the stairs, slipped into a pair of sneakers, and said, "Bye," to her parents as she stormed out of the house. Running down the street, she greeted her neighbors and picked up her phone. Perfect, on time for work. She waited on the main street, spotting the silver car she was expecting. She waved, and the car stopped. "Hello, Mr. Tanaka," she greeted her boss. He nodded at her before she slipped inside.

Their community drive to work had worked well for a few months, with Janette talking about everything that had happened lately. "You should maybe try being a bit more careful," he commented before parking. She gave him a lopsided grin.

"I live only once, and I love being cheerful," she said as she got out.

"I have a few new tools from the association in the back, including a registration device," he said. She hurried to the back and opened the door. "Be careful."

"I will be," she replied, grinning as she took the box inside. Mrs. Dürr, her other boss, was behind the counter. Although she seemed strict, her gaze softened as Mr. Tanaka walked through the door.

"Good morning, Ryuuji," she greeted him. "Good morning, Sophie," he replied with a smile. They exchanged gentle smiles before continuing their tasks.

"I will be right back," Janette told Mrs. Dürr while carrying the box to the break room. She wondered why Mr. Tanaka had an office he never used. He poured himself a cup of coffee and silently asked if she wanted one too.

"No thanks," she declined. "I'm trying to quit."

Mr. Tanaka's face remained blank, but she knew he didn't believe her. She usually drank at least five or six cups a day. She greeted Mrs. Dürr before her boss pointed at a stack of papers. "When you have time, sort these; I have to do some accounting and will leave the desk to you."

"Alright," Janette gave a thumbs up and settled down at her desk, opening her computer and logging in. Humming a tune, she started filtering out the nonsense from the important emails. In silence, they worked until a well-dressed woman appeared. Janette smiled brightly. "Good morning, what can I do for you?"

"I wanted to know if you offer Gate tours," the woman asked. Janette groaned inside. "No, we do not. This is only a small branch office. If you wish to take a Gate tour, they are only offered by the main offices. You can book them online on the Association website," she explained.

"Oh... can you book it for me?" the woman asked.

Janette wanted to snap but kept her professional demeanor. "No, sadly, I cannot; tours can only be booked by private individuals," she explained. The woman huffed and left. "Have a nice day," Janette called after her. She then eyed the papers Mrs. Dürr had left and settled down to go through them. "Oh, and while you're at it, somewhere in there should be an invoice. Could you give it to me?"

"Sure," Janette answered cheerily.

Anyways I am currently reading your story I don't mean to offend you,It is a great story but it needs some improvements

Mainly
- Comma Usage: Ensure commas are used correctly to separate clauses and items in a list.
- Example: "She got back up and poured some hot water, then put in some Earl Grey." instead of "She got back up and poured some hot water, and then putting in some Earl Grey."

Dialogue Tags: Punctuation inside quotation marks and proper capitalization for dialogue tags.
- Example: "I live only once, and I love being cheery," she said and got back out.

2. Tense Consistency:
- Maintain consistent tense throughout the narrative. The story shifts between past and present tense.
- Example: "Neither of them was a big morning person," should be "Neither of them is a big morning person," if maintaining present tense.

3. Clarity and Flow:

Transitions: Improve transitions between scenes to enhance the story's flow.
- Example: "After a few seconds, taking a cautious sip, she let out a happy whine. 'Caffeine,' she muttered to herself." could be: "She took a cautious sip, then let out a happy whine. 'Caffeine,' she muttered."

.

4. Characterization and Descriptions:
Show, Don't Tell: Use more descriptive language to show character emotions and actions rather than simply telling the reader.
- Example: "Her cheeks rosy with big smile plastered on her face," instead of just "all cheery."

Consistency in Names: Ensure consistency in character names to avoid confusion.
- Example: "Janette" is referred to as "July" at one point, which should be consistent as "Janette."

5.Dialogue:
- Ensure realistic and natural dialogue. Some lines can be refined to sound more conversational.
- Example: "I live only once, and I love being cheery." can be more natural as "You only live once, and I love being cheerful."

Corrected Passage Excerpt

Janette stumbled down the stairs, walking into the kitchen in a zombie-like state. Yawning, she took a cup from the cabinet with a banner saying "No Coffee, No Workee" and put the kettle on.

She sat down, waiting for the kettle to whistle. Once it did, she got up, poured some hot water, and added some Earl Grey. Taking a cautious sip, she let out a happy whine. "Caffeine," she muttered. "Why did I quit drinking coffee again?" she asked herself as she saw her father from the corner of her eye, repeating her actions. He stumbled over to her and kissed her cheek. "Morning, my sweetie," he said. She answered with a hum. Neither of them were morning people, which was ironic since both had jobs that required early rising.

They spent their early morning nursing their respective cups. Janette saw her mother walk down, all cheery, with rosy cheeks and a big smile. The two eyed her. "Morning, people," Janette grumbled and hugged her mom, who stretched out her arms. After a tight hug, Janette smiled brightly. "I am off to work." She walked back to her room, changed into her work clothes—a simple pair of black slacks and a white blouse—then tied up her hair.

She ran down the stairs, slipped into a pair of sneakers, and said, "Bye," to her parents as she stormed out of the house. Running down the street, she greeted her neighbors and picked up her phone. Perfect, on time for work. She waited on the main street, spotting the silver car she was expecting. She waved, and the car stopped. "Hello, Mr. Tanaka," she greeted her boss. He nodded at her before she slipped inside.

Their community drive to work had worked well for a few months, with Janette talking about everything that had happened lately. "You should maybe try being a bit more careful," he commented before parking. She gave him a lopsided grin.

"I live only once, and I love being cheerful," she said as she got out.

"I have a few new tools from the association in the back, including a registration device," he said. She hurried to the back and opened the door. "Be careful."

"I will be," she replied, grinning as she took the box inside. Mrs. Dürr, her other boss, was behind the counter. Although she seemed strict, her gaze softened as Mr. Tanaka walked through the door.

"Good morning, Ryuuji," she greeted him. "Good morning, Sophie," he replied with a smile. They exchanged gentle smiles before continuing their tasks.

"I will be right back," Janette told Mrs. Dürr while carrying the box to the break room. She wondered why Mr. Tanaka had an office he never used. He poured himself a cup of coffee and silently asked if she wanted one too.

"No thanks," she declined. "I'm trying to quit."

Mr. Tanaka's face remained blank, but she knew he didn't believe her. She usually drank at least five or six cups a day. She greeted Mrs. Dürr before her boss pointed at a stack of papers. "When you have time, sort these; I have to do some accounting and will leave the desk to you."

"Alright," Janette gave a thumbs up and settled down at her desk, opening her computer and logging in. Humming a tune, she started filtering out the nonsense from the important emails. In silence, they worked until a well-dressed woman appeared. Janette smiled brightly. "Good morning, what can I do for you?"

"I wanted to know if you offer Gate tours," the woman asked. Janette groaned inside. "No, we do not. This is only a small branch office. If you wish to take a Gate tour, they are only offered by the main offices. You can book them online on the Association website," she explained.

"Oh... can you book it for me?" the woman asked.

Janette wanted to snap but kept her professional demeanor. "No, sadly, I cannot; tours can only be booked by private individuals," she explained. The woman huffed and left. "Have a nice day," Janette called after her. She then eyed the papers Mrs. Dürr had left and settled down to go through them. "Oh, and while you're at it, somewhere in there should be an invoice. Could you give it to me?"

"Sure," Janette answered cheerily.

I am still reading

 

[Nolff]

Yes. It is. Without anyone called Ryuji in there.
My only Japanese Chara is named Tanaka and he is a middle aged guy who dates his work colleague.

I SWEAR TO GOD

THEN WHAT IS THIS

Anyways I am currently reading your story I don't mean to offend you,It is a great story but it needs some improvements

Mainly
- Comma Usage: Ensure commas are used correctly to separate clauses and items in a list.
- Example: "She got back up and poured some hot water, then put in some Earl Grey." instead of "She got back up and poured some hot water, and then putting in some Earl Grey."

Dialogue Tags: Punctuation inside quotation marks and proper capitalization for dialogue tags.
- Example: "I live only once, and I love being cheery," she said and got back out.

2. Tense Consistency:
- Maintain consistent tense throughout the narrative. The story shifts between past and present tense.
- Example: "Neither of them was a big morning person," should be "Neither of them is a big morning person," if maintaining present tense.

3. Clarity and Flow:

Transitions: Improve transitions between scenes to enhance the story's flow.
- Example: "After a few seconds, taking a cautious sip, she let out a happy whine. 'Caffeine,' she muttered to herself." could be: "She took a cautious sip, then let out a happy whine. 'Caffeine,' she muttered."

.

4. Characterization and Descriptions:
Show, Don't Tell: Use more descriptive language to show character emotions and actions rather than simply telling the reader.
- Example: "Her cheeks rosy with big smile plastered on her face," instead of just "all cheery."

Consistency in Names: Ensure consistency in character names to avoid confusion.
- Example: "Janette" is referred to as "July" at one point, which should be consistent as "Janette."

5.Dialogue:
- Ensure realistic and natural dialogue. Some lines can be refined to sound more conversational.
- Example: "I live only once, and I love being cheery." can be more natural as "You only live once, and I love being cheerful."

Corrected Passage Excerpt

Janette stumbled down the stairs, walking into the kitchen in a zombie-like state. Yawning, she took a cup from the cabinet with a banner saying "No Coffee, No Workee" and put the kettle on.

She sat down, waiting for the kettle to whistle. Once it did, she got up, poured some hot water, and added some Earl Grey. Taking a cautious sip, she let out a happy whine. "Caffeine," she muttered. "Why did I quit drinking coffee again?" she asked herself as she saw her father from the corner of her eye, repeating her actions. He stumbled over to her and kissed her cheek. "Morning, my sweetie," he said. She answered with a hum. Neither of them were morning people, which was ironic since both had jobs that required early rising.

They spent their early morning nursing their respective cups. Janette saw her mother walk down, all cheery, with rosy cheeks and a big smile. The two eyed her. "Morning, people," Janette grumbled and hugged her mom, who stretched out her arms. After a tight hug, Janette smiled brightly. "I am off to work." She walked back to her room, changed into her work clothes—a simple pair of black slacks and a white blouse—then tied up her hair.

She ran down the stairs, slipped into a pair of sneakers, and said, "Bye," to her parents as she stormed out of the house. Running down the street, she greeted her neighbors and picked up her phone. Perfect, on time for work. She waited on the main street, spotting the silver car she was expecting. She waved, and the car stopped. "Hello, Mr. Tanaka," she greeted her boss. He nodded at her before she slipped inside.

Their community drive to work had worked well for a few months, with Janette talking about everything that had happened lately. "You should maybe try being a bit more careful," he commented before parking. She gave him a lopsided grin.

"I live only once, and I love being cheerful," she said as she got out.

"I have a few new tools from the association in the back, including a registration device," he said. She hurried to the back and opened the door. "Be careful."

"I will be," she replied, grinning as she took the box inside. Mrs. Dürr, her other boss, was behind the counter. Although she seemed strict, her gaze softened as Mr. Tanaka walked through the door.

"Good morning, Ryuuji," she greeted him. "Good morning, Sophie," he replied with a smile. They exchanged gentle smiles before continuing their tasks.

"I will be right back," Janette told Mrs. Dürr while carrying the box to the break room. She wondered why Mr. Tanaka had an office he never used. He poured himself a cup of coffee and silently asked if she wanted one too.

"No thanks," she declined. "I'm trying to quit."

Mr. Tanaka's face remained blank, but she knew he didn't believe her. She usually drank at least five or six cups a day. She greeted Mrs. Dürr before her boss pointed at a stack of papers. "When you have time, sort these; I have to do some accounting and will leave the desk to you."

"Alright," Janette gave a thumbs up and settled down at her desk, opening her computer and logging in. Humming a tune, she started filtering out the nonsense from the important emails. In silence, they worked until a well-dressed woman appeared. Janette smiled brightly. "Good morning, what can I do for you?"

"I wanted to know if you offer Gate tours," the woman asked. Janette groaned inside. "No, we do not. This is only a small branch office. If you wish to take a Gate tour, they are only offered by the main offices. You can book them online on the Association website," she explained.

"Oh... can you book it for me?" the woman asked.

Janette wanted to snap but kept her professional demeanor. "No, sadly, I cannot; tours can only be booked by private individuals," she explained. The woman huffed and left. "Have a nice day," Janette called after her. She then eyed the papers Mrs. Dürr had left and settled down to go through them. "Oh, and while you're at it, somewhere in there should be an invoice. Could you give it to me?"

"Sure," Janette answered cheerily.

I am still reading

You use AI to correct his/her problems?

P A T H E T I C

I find myself corrected there is someone called Ryuji, called by that name once in passing when he is greeted.

Sorry it was so relatively unimportant I forgot.

Oh my GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Y-You know what? Please list characters you've introduced in your novel to the glossary. That's useful, in case you forgot chars in your story like this one.

Well I don't know what you read, but it definitely was not my story. Thank you anyway.

As for why it was not my Story.

1. I don't even have anyone called Ryuji in my Story. Edit: I find myself corrected there is someone called Ryuuji, mentioned in passing, greeted once. And it's the first name of the guy whom I only kept addressing with his last name.

2. I have 56 Chapters upwards. (The first few would have been more then enough)

Yes, I forgor that you added new chaps recently

PS. There is a Link, to follow in here, and a Link to follow in the Signature. I checked them out, they work.

DAS THE SAME LINK YOU GAVE ME

The story captures a sense of isolation and suspense effectively. The protagonist, a timid individual, eagerly awaits the arrival of his new computer, which represents a connection to the outside world.. until he realises that there someone or something else is 'stalking ' him in his house

Well thank you.

there could be some points of improvement

Even if you don't say so, I witnessed the chaos with my very eyes.

Like describe the setting in more detail. What does his home look like? Is it cluttered or minimalist? This would help readers visualize the scene better.

Alr, updated. Check the draft again.

Smooth out transitions between different parts of the day. For instance, from using the computer to playing with the items and then to bedtime, adding a bit more narrative glue can make the flow more seamless.

I plan to have a chap telling his experience throughout the days, the 5 days.

Also, if you don't know already, this is a fanfic of a psychological horror game with the same title.

It's fine author's tend to forget about minor characters

Das also includes you.

 

[Little-Moon]

Anyways I am currently reading your story I don't mean to offend you,It is a great story but it needs some improvements

Mainly
- Comma Usage: Ensure commas are used correctly to separate clauses and items in a list.
- Example: "She got back up and poured some hot water, then put in some Earl Grey." instead of "She got back up and poured some hot water, and then putting in some Earl Grey."

Dialogue Tags: Punctuation inside quotation marks and proper capitalization for dialogue tags.
- Example: "I live only once, and I love being cheery," she said and got back out.

2. Tense Consistency:
- Maintain consistent tense throughout the narrative. The story shifts between past and present tense.
- Example: "Neither of them was a big morning person," should be "Neither of them is a big morning person," if maintaining present tense.

3. Clarity and Flow:

Transitions: Improve transitions between scenes to enhance the story's flow.
- Example: "After a few seconds, taking a cautious sip, she let out a happy whine. 'Caffeine,' she muttered to herself." could be: "She took a cautious sip, then let out a happy whine. 'Caffeine,' she muttered."

.

4. Characterization and Descriptions:
Show, Don't Tell: Use more descriptive language to show character emotions and actions rather than simply telling the reader.
- Example: "Her cheeks rosy with big smile plastered on her face," instead of just "all cheery."

Consistency in Names: Ensure consistency in character names to avoid confusion.
- Example: "Janette" is referred to as "July" at one point, which should be consistent as "Janette."

5.Dialogue:
- Ensure realistic and natural dialogue. Some lines can be refined to sound more conversational.
- Example: "I live only once, and I love being cheery." can be more natural as "You only live once, and I love being cheerful."

Corrected Passage Excerpt

Janette stumbled down the stairs, walking into the kitchen in a zombie-like state. Yawning, she took a cup from the cabinet with a banner saying "No Coffee, No Workee" and put the kettle on.

She sat down, waiting for the kettle to whistle. Once it did, she got up, poured some hot water, and added some Earl Grey. Taking a cautious sip, she let out a happy whine. "Caffeine," she muttered. "Why did I quit drinking coffee again?" she asked herself as she saw her father from the corner of her eye, repeating her actions. He stumbled over to her and kissed her cheek. "Morning, my sweetie," he said. She answered with a hum. Neither of them were morning people, which was ironic since both had jobs that required early rising.

They spent their early morning nursing their respective cups. Janette saw her mother walk down, all cheery, with rosy cheeks and a big smile. The two eyed her. "Morning, people," Janette grumbled and hugged her mom, who stretched out her arms. After a tight hug, Janette smiled brightly. "I am off to work." She walked back to her room, changed into her work clothes—a simple pair of black slacks and a white blouse—then tied up her hair.

She ran down the stairs, slipped into a pair of sneakers, and said, "Bye," to her parents as she stormed out of the house. Running down the street, she greeted her neighbors and picked up her phone. Perfect, on time for work. She waited on the main street, spotting the silver car she was expecting. She waved, and the car stopped. "Hello, Mr. Tanaka," she greeted her boss. He nodded at her before she slipped inside.

Their community drive to work had worked well for a few months, with Janette talking about everything that had happened lately. "You should maybe try being a bit more careful," he commented before parking. She gave him a lopsided grin.

"I live only once, and I love being cheerful," she said as she got out.

"I have a few new tools from the association in the back, including a registration device," he said. She hurried to the back and opened the door. "Be careful."

"I will be," she replied, grinning as she took the box inside. Mrs. Dürr, her other boss, was behind the counter. Although she seemed strict, her gaze softened as Mr. Tanaka walked through the door.

"Good morning, Ryuuji," she greeted him. "Good morning, Sophie," he replied with a smile. They exchanged gentle smiles before continuing their tasks.

"I will be right back," Janette told Mrs. Dürr while carrying the box to the break room. She wondered why Mr. Tanaka had an office he never used. He poured himself a cup of coffee and silently asked if she wanted one too.

"No thanks," she declined. "I'm trying to quit."

Mr. Tanaka's face remained blank, but she knew he didn't believe her. She usually drank at least five or six cups a day. She greeted Mrs. Dürr before her boss pointed at a stack of papers. "When you have time, sort these; I have to do some accounting and will leave the desk to you."

"Alright," Janette gave a thumbs up and settled down at her desk, opening her computer and logging in. Humming a tune, she started filtering out the nonsense from the important emails. In silence, they worked until a well-dressed woman appeared. Janette smiled brightly. "Good morning, what can I do for you?"

"I wanted to know if you offer Gate tours," the woman asked. Janette groaned inside. "No, we do not. This is only a small branch office. If you wish to take a Gate tour, they are only offered by the main offices. You can book them online on the Association website," she explained.

"Oh... can you book it for me?" the woman asked.

Janette wanted to snap but kept her professional demeanor. "No, sadly, I cannot; tours can only be booked by private individuals," she explained. The woman huffed and left. "Have a nice day," Janette called after her. She then eyed the papers Mrs. Dürr had left and settled down to go through them. "Oh, and while you're at it, somewhere in there should be an invoice. Could you give it to me?"

"Sure," Janette answered cheerily.

I am still reading

Thanks a lot, that really helps, and don't worry your are most definitely not offending, you are being helpful and I am very happy you take the time to read through it.