REVIEW SWAP TIME

[Jaysanerd]

Let's support each other! You read the first 10k words of (DIS)GRACE, and i'll read the first 10k words of your story! After that, we give eachother a review, woop woop!
(10k words = first 5 chapters in my case)

Let me know if ur down and how many chapters amount to 10k!

(DIS)GRACE – A Progression Adventure

Embark on an epic adventure with a fearless fourteen-year-old boy and his loyal best friend as they traverse the world, battling evil at every turn in pursuit of their wildest dreams. From unknown dangers lurking in the shadows to formidable foes that threaten to derail their journey, nothing...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[RainingSky]

Mhh, I would be up for it that is fine for you, 10K words would be about the first 5 chapters in my story We the Villains

 

[Jaysanerd]

Mhh, I would be up for it that is fine for you, 10K words would be about the first 5 chapters in my story We the Villains

great!

 

[TheEldritchGod]

Ehhh... a bit too tell no show. You slip into show, but mostly tell me what is going on.

Here:

Dai tossed and turned in his bed, the soft sheets tangling around his limbs as he tried to find a comfortable position to sleep. He closed his eyes and tried to relax, but his mind kept replaying memories from his past like a broken tape recorder.

This is the original

Tossing and turning in his bed, the soft sheets got tangled around Dai's limbs.

(don't tell me why. I can figure it out).

He closed his eyes and tried to relax.

(WAIT, isn't he sleeping already? He was sleeping with his eyes open and NOW he is trying to relax? Maybe try:)
(Sleeping was near impossible as it took a force of will to keep his eyes closed.)

But

(But negates anything that comes before it. ONLY use but if you want us to ignore what happened, so in this case, BUT means he is trying to relax and close his eyes, but now his eyes are open. I'd skip it.)

his mind kept replaying memories from his past like a broken tape recorder.

(This is fine. You can keep this part. I'm very confused. He sleeps with his eyes open, tries to close them, but his memories force them open. very odd way to start chapter 4.)

Also, pick a tense. present or past, pick one and stick with it, I don't think you are skilled enough to keep jumping between them like you do.
Not a review, just advice. I don't want to review you because I might be too scathing. I can tell you mean well. You just need practice.

 

[Sabrina_Valentine]

Let's support each other! You read the first 10k words of (DIS)GRACE, and i'll read the first 10k words of your story! After that, we give eachother a review, woop woop!
(10k words = first 5 chapters in my case)

Let me know if ur down and how many chapters amount to 10k!

(DIS)GRACE – A Progression Adventure

Embark on an epic adventure with a fearless fourteen-year-old boy and his loyal best friend as they traverse the world, battling evil at every turn in pursuit of their wildest dreams. From unknown dangers lurking in the shadows to formidable foes that threaten to derail their journey, nothing...

www.scribblehub.com

Hi, are you still looking for review swaps? I'd be interested if you are.