Review request - Virtual Judgement (action, adventure, drama)

[Nakama_the_witnesser]

Hello. Joined the server this week. Give my story a look

Synopsis:

A NEET is forced into a virtual death game after his mother was murdered. He is weak, an underdog and must train to fight against crazy beasts, serial killers, swordsmasters and people with OP spells. Doing all this alone is hard. And he isn't sure if he should trust anyone as the chances of a backstab are high.

- Tons of interesting characters with wide range of different personalities and character development -
- Martial arts/ unique and creative spells/ tactical battles -
- Romances, philosophy and interesting facts -
- Turf wars and mysteries -

The interesting thing about the story is that the fights are somewhat similar to the ones in Jojo's Bizzare adventure and Naruto. Instead of RPG system growth, its more of a "each character gets one or two spells that they can activate by imputting digits on their keypad that is located on their wrist".

And there will lots of dramas of different kinds.

And unprecitable twists(You don't want to me spoil them do you?).

Read - Virtual Judgement - here

 

[Nixil]

When I read that this was going to be a death game with much darker elements considering how his mother was murdered. I did not expect that this was going to be a comedy with crappy references like:

300 IQ flex. Whoo yeah. Call me L cause I’m a freaking genius.

In general, comedy stories just aren't my type of stories so this review is going to be rather harsh and sorry for anything that was written in this review. I struggled to review anything past chapter 2 as I just did not enjoy it enough to do so.

Spoiler: Synopsis

The synopsis has a lot of problems. Why is he an underdog and why he can't trust anyone should probably be explained. This is not your plot line, but something like 'framed for his mother's murder, he now must participate in a death game for criminals'. This is very clear why he has to participate in this death game and why he is an underdog and can't trust anyone. Maybe he can't trust anyone because he is an introvert, this is inline with what society views NEETs as except the main character isn't an introvert and his name is literally Bold (I have read the part where it's apparently a Mongolian name, but the connotations are still there).

You also need to show the things you have listed, rather than just telling us you have them. This is rather hard to do, with the amount you have listed, in a concise and interesting way. Having 'I have interesting characters' in the synopsis is rather tasteless compared showing why they could be interesting characters e.g. 'framed for his mother's murder'.

Spoiler: Chapter 1

The lady’s long untidied hair wavered as she ran. Her name was Honger. Jumping over the stairs and dashing through the hallway she almost went past the elevator she was desperately trying to reach. She punched the button and jumped into it. After exiting the elevator she clumsily put the key in and bursted the door open.

The first paragraph doesn't have anything that bad about it though. Having the story start on a character who is going to die and pretty much forgotten is kind of a waste. The only thing the protagonist mentions afterwards is 'With the immense cash her mother had left upon him'. I know it's a 4 year time skip, but it's in the same chapter. If the protagonist doesn't care, why should the reader care. No impact to the story other than letting Bold become a NEET with the immense amount of cash.

“Let’s go” said Hongor.
Bold stood up and trotted towards the section of the airport and her mother followed her. He looked at his surroundings carefully. Or at least tried to, with dozens of people going from here to there it was impossible to get a good vision of the area. But Bold was fairly calm. He was certain there was nothing to fear. Until he heard a sudden cry behind him.

Why is he leading the way, the mother was the active character at the start and Bold the passive one. Why have they reversed roles? The mother started this whole thing, it makes much more sense if she (the one who knows it's dangerous) looked around frantically and led Bold (the one who knows nothing and was apparently lazy). To be honest, with the way you show Bold here and other places, why not have him steal the card and have his mother die as a consequence. If he truly was as you say 'lazy', then make his actions fit this as well.

The death by katana was so ridiculous that it was comical. How does nobody at the airport see a guy with a katana slash somebody or that a person is bleeding out on the ground and not react in anyway? Nobody seriously notices this?

I have some complaints about how it was possible he used a stolen credit card and how over 10% of the population could disappear without anyone noticing. Even if it was the future 1.5 billion people is no joke and security for credit cards would've definitely improved. He also gets sent to the death game simply because he doesn't work? At least that was what I thought you implied. Is it really a sin to have a lot of cash and not do anything worthwhile? Seems like a really weak argument.

Spoiler: Chapter 2

Very jarring transition considering what happened at the end of chapter 1 and of course give me that info dump. It's an interesting decision to have them transported at different times. I don't know how I feel about that.

40 minutes after being transported in a virtual death game the protagonists first reaction is:

“I..I’m hungry”
'After that walk he realized food was more important than job.'?

It seems you made him a 'NEET' simply so you can mock how fat he is and so he can spew references.

I also like how he can't trust anyone here. Yep random anon just helping protagonist

'he isn't sure if he should trust anyone'

sure didn't trust anon nor the shopkeeper yep.