Requesting Feedback for Gay Omega Book.

[kaylawritesthepaige]

Hello, I'm new to ScribbleHub! I've been posting this erotica on a few different websites but I haven't gotten much reads or comments. I really would like to publish one day and join a community of writers. I'm willing to review your book in return for a comment or two reviewing my book.

So, here is the story: A father has to go deeper into sex work due to owning a dangerous pimp nine grand.

Vehren Voegeli is rethinking his life as a dancer. He doesn’t want his daughter to be inspired by his lifestyle. However, he loves his career. He enjoys being adored sexually and feeling empowered by the money. The stage is his home, but it’s been feeling a little small lately. He craves more for his name, popularity to feed his ego. A ghostwriting gig is only a start for him, he knows he has what it takes.

However, things don’t go as planned as his past catches up with him and he’s forced to make a life-changing decision that’ll destroy his relationship with his family and daughter. His ex-boyfriend and pimp, Fontaine Dah King, forces his way back into his life. Vehren is in his debt, he doesn’t have much of a choice. Nine grand is owed, he’ll have to sell his body to repay it. He knows he can pay Fontaine back, but will he leave?

It's a work in progress, and I have over ten chapters written. I hope it interesting enough to grab some attention. Please consider reading and writing a review. Here's the link: MARS - A GAY NOVEL

 

[C_A_D_M_U_S]

1. Book Cover - It looks good?? Typography, color choices, and placement are good. Cover also gives off the right vibe for your story ??

2. Synopsis -

Spoiler: Comments about the Writing

He craves more for his name, popularity to feed his ego.

This sentence is confusing, probably because of the sentence structure. He craves more for his name -> He craves more for what? Then comes popularity to feed his ego -> What he craves for only came in the latter part of the sentence, which didn’t flow well. Please consider reconstructing your sentence.

A ghostwriting gig is only a start for him, he knows he has what it takes.

If you want to connect 2 independent clauses that are closely related, then you should use a semicolon rather than a comma. Or you can simply use a period.

Spoiler: Feedback on the Synopsis

It lacks impact. My suggestion is, to read and check the synopses of other top BL novels and see how they do it.

3. Story -

Spoiler: Comments about the Writing

Interlude:

The Voegeli family are crying.

It should be -> The Voegeli family is crying.

Alpha men and women, omegas, and beta bodies in between, coming from all parts of Michigan or even the rest of the States.

This sentence is incomplete.

Her concern plus the arguments with my father makes feel relieved my mother isn't here.

This should be -> Her concern plus the arguments with my father makes me feel relieved my mother isn't here.

Stripping gives me all of that plus an ego boost.

Should put a comma after "that" -> Stripping gives me all of that, plus an ego boost.

Male dancers have come and gone, but I've remained consistent enough to be on The Dante’s good list.

The "t" in "The Dante's" should be lower case. -> Male dancers have come and gone, but I've remained consistent enough to be on the Dante’s good list.

As much as I love the promiscuity, his lifestyle isn’t safe.

It should be "my" rather than "his" since your story's in first pov. -> As much as I love the promiscuity, my lifestyle isn’t safe.

Maybe in the end, I'll die another failure, and my father will end up right.

Maybe in the end, I'll die as another failure, and my father will end up right.

Chapter 1:

An auto-tuned person sings 'Psycho Teddy' with full distortion.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think using "auto-toned" as an adjective to describe a person is the proper way. It's the same with "out of tuned person". It's not proper. I get the meaning but it's still not the right adjective. Auto-tune is altering the recording to correct sung notes that are out of tune. You can't use that as an adjective. Please consider reconstructing your sentence to something like this: A person, who uses auto-tune, sings 'Psycho Teddy' with full distortion.

Eris rubs her big eyes, green with a brown ring.

"Eyes" and "green with a brown ring" lack a word to connect them. Using a comma doesn't do it.

I sigh heavy.

I sigh heavily.

• POV - I highly recommend to use only 1 POV for the entire story. The reason for this is consistency. You used 1st POV in the interlude and I get the reason why cause it's more of an introduction of the main character, but then you shifted to 3rd POV in the first part of chapter 1 then you suddenly shifted to 1st POV again in the same chapter. It will only confuse your readers.
• Paragraphing - I noticed that you tend to combine 2 characters' perspectives in a single paragraph like this one for example:

Eris watches me as I come to her with food. She smiles, "Yes. Daddy said I'm gonna look like a princess!" I set the plate and milk before her.

I set the plate and milk before here. should be in the next paragraph. Same with the smut scenes.

• Grammar - Aside from the other sentences I pointed out, your grammar looks good
• Descriptions - Good Easy to imagine

Spoiler: Feedback on the Story

• Smut scenes - Easy to read and easy to imagine.

I only read until the 1st chapter, not because your story isn't good. It's because I'm just not in the mood to read smut right now so I can't really provide in-depth feedback about the characterization and tension buildup. Sorry about that. But, please don't be discouraged if you haven't gotten much reads or comments. I read in the threads that readers here on SB tend to be the silent type so unless you ask for comments (maybe in the author's notes?), you probably won't get any unless they're the type of people who likes commenting on a chapter. But then again, even if you ask for comments, it will still be their choice whether to comment or not. As for the views, I have a few suggestions that might help increase them. See numbers 4 and 5.

4. Tags - I advise maximizing your tags to increase the visibility of your novel. The tags have a maximum limit of 25. Fill it up as much as you can.

5. Frequency of Updates - I saw in one of the threads that releasing several chapters at once greatly reduces your novel's visibility on SB. As per Succubiome, it is advisable to release just 1 chapter per day or maybe 2-3 if you publish them within a 6-hour interval. Also, this is to lessen the chances of being flagged as spam.

Anyway, good luck on your writing journey! I hope you'll be able to publish your works one day and become a professional creative writer

P.S. No need to review my book or do anything in return.

 

[kaylawritesthepaige]

1. Book Cover - It looks good?? Typography, color choices, and placement are good. Cover also gives off the right vibe for your story ??

2. Synopsis -

Spoiler: Comments about the Writing

This sentence is confusing, probably because of the sentence structure. He craves more for his name -> He craves more for what? Then comes popularity to feed his ego -> What he craves for only came in the latter part of the sentence, which didn’t flow well. Please consider reconstructing your sentence.


If you want to connect 2 independent clauses that are closely related, then you should use a semicolon rather than a comma. Or you can simply use a period.

Spoiler: Feedback on the Synopsis

It lacks impact. My suggestion is, to read and check the synopses of other top BL novels and see how they do it.

3. Story -

Spoiler: Comments about the Writing

Interlude:

It should be -> The Voegeli family is crying.


This sentence is incomplete.


This should be -> Her concern plus the arguments with my father makes me feel relieved my mother isn't here.


Should put a comma after "that" -> Stripping gives me all of that, plus an ego boost.


The "t" in "The Dante's" should be lower case. -> Male dancers have come and gone, but I've remained consistent enough to be on the Dante’s good list.


It should be "my" rather than "his" since your story's in first pov. -> As much as I love the promiscuity, my lifestyle isn’t safe.


Maybe in the end, I'll die as another failure, and my father will end up right.

Chapter 1:

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think using "auto-toned" as an adjective to describe a person is the proper way. It's the same with "out of tuned person". It's not proper. I get the meaning but it's still not the right adjective. Auto-tune is altering the recording to correct sung notes that are out of tune. You can't use that as an adjective. Please consider reconstructing your sentence to something like this: A person, who uses auto-tune, sings 'Psycho Teddy' with full distortion.


"Eyes" and "green with a brown ring" lack a word to connect them. Using a comma doesn't do it.


I sigh heavily.

• POV - I highly recommend to use only 1 POV for the entire story. The reason for this is consistency. You used 1st POV in the interlude and I get the reason why cause it's more of an introduction of the main character, but then you shifted to 3rd POV in the first part of chapter 1 then you suddenly shifted to 1st POV again in the same chapter. It will only confuse your readers.
• Paragraphing - I noticed that you tend to combine 2 characters' perspectives in a single paragraph like this one for example:

I set the plate and milk before here. should be in the next paragraph. Same with the smut scenes.

• Grammar - Aside from the other sentences I pointed out, your grammar looks good
• Descriptions - Good Easy to imagine

Spoiler: Feedback on the Story

• Smut scenes - Easy to read and easy to imagine.

I only read until the 1st chapter, not because your story isn't good. It's because I'm just not in the mood to read smut right now so I can't really provide in-depth feedback about the characterization and tension buildup. Sorry about that. But, please don't be discouraged if you haven't gotten much reads or comments. I read in the threads that readers here on SB tend to be the silent type so unless you ask for comments (maybe in the author's notes?), you probably won't get any unless they're the type of people who likes commenting on a chapter. But then again, even if you ask for comments, it will still be their choice whether to comment or not. As for the views, I have a few suggestions that might help increase them. See numbers 4 and 5.

4. Tags - I advise maximizing your tags to increase the visibility of your novel. The tags have a maximum limit of 25. Fill it up as much as you can.

5. Frequency of Updates - I saw in one of the threads that releasing several chapters at once greatly reduces your novel's visibility on SB. As per Succubiome, it is advisable to release just 1 chapter per day or maybe 2-3 if you publish them within a 6-hour interval. Also, this is to lessen the chances of being flagged as spam.

Anyway, good luck on your writing journey! I hope you'll be able to publish your works one day and become a professional creative writer

P.S. No need to review my book or do anything in return.

Thank you so much! I've actually changed a lot for the final version. I really love your feedback, gave me a lot to think about and what to edit.

 

[C_A_D_M_U_S]

Thank you so much! I've actually changed a lot for the final version. I really love your feedback, gave me a lot to think about and what to edit.

Glad to be of help ?