“Oh, come on, Beta. Such hurtful words. Why must you and the boss have such little faith in me?” He asked in a mocking, fake hurt tone.
Questioned seems wrong.
Questioned is more of a aggressive use.
Beta didn’t bother responding to him, as he was quite familiar with his acquaintance’s antics by now. Besides, if everything went according to plan, he wouldn't have to deal with him much longer.
Better like that.
2) they, is TECHNICALLY correct.
But for reader, it feels wrong, as the sentence at start is about "he"
and the sudden "they" is too abrupt. (and forcing reader brains to search "which they???" for 2-3s)
also, well, trust your readers to know that the "he" means "he" that also is implying "they" (him and the boss agreeing with it) secretly.
The businesses and establishments in these parts also were generally seedier and attracted a much poorer clientele.
Ano.... I feel you try to "embellish" too much the wording.
Not asking to make ultra simplistic but, it seems like as if writing a poem or a Arabian Nights folk tale (Aladdin), and feels a little forced.
Or : its "dubious" and "dangerous clientele"
or : its "cheaper" and "poorer clientele" AND "with sometimes some dangerous ones"
Sure you are again technically correct, of wanting the poor and the "dangerous" clients to frequent it (its usually like this for any story), but you kinda greedily rushed wrote this part. And well,
Advice : Its better to stop trying to what you cant do (and causing rewrite/edit 100 times) and simply what you want/can do, and have a easier time and have fun with what you do.
Its not shameful to admit it and do what you can.
(also the more pain you suffer, the faster you will be tired to write) (you wont believe how many times in SHF there are sometimes Threads : i have no more motivation)
tldr : Simply write simpler words, if its easier for you. Bc most readers of SH are young and not LotR/HP readers.
Just giving honest advice, not trying to hurt your feelings. I hope you write a long time and succeed. And most of the times, success depends on having fun doing it.
A sign that the administrators of the city were less concerned with the cleanliness of these side alleys and focused most of their efforts on the show piece central bazaar.
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Reaching their destination, a squat ramshackle building tucked in the corner between a butcher and cobbler shop,
Just a glimpse turn the eyes.
=>
Reaching their destination, an squat ramshackle abandoned building stuck in the corner, sandwiched between a butcher and a cobbler shoemaker shop,
Lot readers probably dont know what means "squat" and "ramshackle"
........Even me that knows lot of words, didnt know/forgot "cobble" = shoemaker.
the door swung open, revealing a very comely lass with lustrous skin.
..............................I think i will stop there. Tired.
1) Comely ? Really ? This time i, IN NO WAY believe, that you wrote this word by pure imagination but bothered to waste maybe a few seconds/mins to find this word. I have finished a lot of old paper novels (included but not only, the whole HP/LotR) but pretty sure EVEN THEM didnt never used this word. I near doubted if this word existed. Or are you trying to imply you are a centenarian writing this work ?
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Comely :
pleasant to look at; attractive (typically used of a woman).
"the comely Italian actress Valeria Golino"
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Just use "pleasant to look/beautiful/attractive", but not thiss.................... orz *sigh*(facepalm of tiredness)
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2) lustrious skin
Well, this word isnt wrong.
But please, you just 5s AGO WROTE ITS THE ALLEYS AND THE DUBIOUS PART OF THE CITY/TOWN.
And you telling readers : in this garbage zone, THERE IS THIS GORGEOUS AND SHINY SKIN beauty ?????
(Lustrious)
----bright, brilliant, radiant, luminous, lustrous mean shining or glowing with light.
And wtf with this "BEAUTY" woman, having a SHINY skin THAT BRING TOO MUCH ATTRACTION, doing there ?
+ a lustrious skin also means : being rich, bc needing high cost care and very good nutrition. Something mostly done only by NOBLES/ROYALTY in fantasy/medieval with lot of gold coins.
Maybe its a noble or whatever, i dont know as i wont continue, but write that the MC/duo are surprised by that and finding it odd compared to the unclean environment around.
Also the "detailed description" of her looks, is like a crappy old school wuxia/xianxia. Not as long but TOO FORCED. Shoved in the throat of reader.
[Edit : well its a princess. i was right]
[Edit : "Worm" ...............tsundere / Toxic tongues are a thing of the past, but its your choice. And "worm" kinda too much (and cringe/forced). If you want her to be a heroine than its a big fail. Lot of people fking hate Bakugo of MyHeroAcademia for example, same for Nagatoro not everyone like her.]
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Conclusion : Go read more recent JP WN or Chinese novels, and stop trying this embellishments. Do simpler.
(its ironic that just this morning, the other person i reviewed, WAS FAR TOO MEGA SIMPLE WORDING, you 2 are like total opposite)
Conclusion 2 : Its not a mockery or criticism (a little though), but your writing is just like your pfp. You seems to be clueless of recent mainstream preferences/views/styles. When clearly what you use is "un-mainstream".
Clearly your efforts are a ton, but your directions are simply wrong. Its like a pixiv ero artist i saw, they did 3d things. And well, just them, what you should do is to change into more "mainstream" style.
(in their case they did AI ero stuff - the stuff that recently and still do controversial debate / i'm just rambling, ignore what i said lol)
