Heya Giantfrog, this is an interesting read, though I must admit I didn't make it past chapter 2, not because I am a Mxtxrxla guy (laugh), I actually thought the premise of it is intriguing! I think that there are improvements that could tighten up the writing and make it more appealing. One of the big things might be to 'make the main character relatable even if he is hyperanalytical'.
This is difficult to balance; my main suggestion would be to return to James some of his more 'baser' human instincts if possible.
On the fronts that you asked for,
I think Jame's characterization is a little confusing because he straddles between being 'someone who pretends to be detached' and 'someone who needs to make the story interesting'. I think that the writing tries to reflect his robotic, almost Sheldon-like demeanor, but it comes off as rather standoffish and non-human at times. The staccato sentences are your way of doing that, and I could feel the author's intention through the rhythm of how the sentences are written. However, this tendency bypasses even natural human instincts, so severe pain, shock of turning up at a hospital bed are also written in the same pacing. What results is a story that moves at a very flat 'blip', like a heartrate monitor that has stopped. It also makes it so that I the reader asks: "Why would I care for such a being?"
A major question that rose in my head was when he lay in his hospital bed was that phrase 'I knew her crying the way I knew my own heartbeat'. This implies that tragedy is something that happens frequently in his household. It is good authorial sense, though it also makes James do double duty of having to fulfill his role as a character, and having to fulfill the author's desire to make him 'human-like'.
He doesn't have to be hyper-analytical for everything. I would give him a small crack, an opening of the window by giving him a more emotional reason to use his power instead of for himself (unless of course that is a character development you want to build in, then disregard). Clearly, the mother is important.
Could there be a 'Houndini Moment' in the hospital itself? Harry Houndini famously promised his mother to 'lay her lap full of gold coins when he is successful'. If make a moment like that be Jame's keystone moment, it would make the household tragedy more impactful than another sign he is hyper-analytical like a robot. He doesn't need to be in this mode all the time.
The contrast at crucial moments will make him far more relatable!
On the system itself, I see shades of 'Shinigami Eyes' from Death Note, where characters can see other's lifespan, and the 'Audience Anticipation' system from 'I Am Not The God of Theatre'. This is not a unique system, so I think the issue is not that the jargon is bad, it is how people around it react, especially James! James claims to know probability, and has some financial knowledge, but doesn't really act like it!
Below are my thoughts on the first message sent out:
▣ VINCI SA — Euronext Paris Signal: Long (Buy) Probability: 74% Horizon: 3–7 months
What does this mean to the average reader? Well, if I had no idea what this means, it probably means that he would have a profit if he 'buys long' (expects it to rise) at a 74% chance. I had to look up what 'horizon' means. Does it mean he has to wait 3-7 months before he turns a profit? It is never explained in the text it seems. What's the difference between 'hold' and 'long'? How does the timeframe work into the equation? These are all unnecessary things to let the reader think about. Most readers I suspect will not go beyond terms like 'buy, bet, hold, sell' and will need to be eased into it. A simpler screen, that can be improved later as James gets better at this (and to add in new concepts) might be:
▣ VINCI SA — Euronext Paris Signal: Profit Probability - 74% // Action: BUY (Long) // Timeframe: ???
Here, I separated the signal from the action to be taken. It also gives James room to say 'No, the signal is wrong!', or to think for himself. For the horizon, I think it is an unnecessary thing that complicates matters, but James does not seem to care about timeframes since it does not come into his internal dialogue decisions in chapter 1. It can be a learning moment in later chapters where he realizes that the 'Horizon' is important when some shady merchant tries to get him on a 100-year deal... It is also simpler for the reader to understand. There is a signal, a recommended action, but there are also other variables which will change the signal! But it takes a hyper-analytical guy to make good use of this system, and what do you know, the main character happens to be one...
I do have thoughts on the timeskip and his friend's reaction in chapter 2, since I found it to be really weird. Mainly it revolves around the question of whether James knows what he is doing, and how much he knows. It is not exactly made clear, contributing to the 'he knows, but he is pretending to not know' feeling all the way from the hospital bed scene.
In conclusion, giving James more context aside from 'read a few financial reports before' impacts how he will make use of his ability. Right now, he acts like a pro, but doesn't have the credibility in a reader's eyes to do so.
He clearly doesn't have a stock trader's or gambler's mindset, because aside from the jargon, nothing about his thinking reflects 'calculation', 'odds' or even 'risk'. This results in him being a 'pro', but only at skin level. There's nothing wrong with that, it could even be built into the story!
If he is moving at the level of a seventeen year old with a cheat ability, his hyper-analytical nature is redundant. If he is moving because of the cheat fits his hyper-analytical nature, his actions seem unnatural. There must be some way to assuage the two, so I would ask the author a question: "Would James have been successful without his cheat ability? If he would, why is he poor? If he wouldn't, where does his personality traits come in?"
You can reach out to me here if you want to know more! I will be off to write my book now!
