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RepresentingWrath
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Looks like an essay.
Kalliel
Grind, Future, A Beautiful Star
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Feel like the grammar could be polished more. Also, the tone at the end of the third passage feels a bit unprofessional, for me, at least.
Oh, and about the content itself. I would rather want you to give me examples of what are the extreme sports in the beginning.
Oh, and about the content itself. I would rather want you to give me examples of what are the extreme sports in the beginning.
Theirl
...---...
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I would try to put more bs to eat space dont about u but back in my days it had lines quota
Nexus_English
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Write "ten" instead of "10".
LilRora
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Alright, I've a few things to say about this. I'm going to warn you now, I'm mostly going to talk about the negatives, because it's hard for me to point out positives in general. Not specifically in your essay, it doesn't mean it's that bad.
What I'll start with is broad structure, and it's pretty good. I would prefer a proper introduction and a longer conclusion, but I know from experience those are really annoying to write. A proper structure isn't very visible until we get to 500+ long essays, but as of here you have no mistakes I can spot.
The content is a mixed bag for me, you said a lot of good things but clearly describing them one after another suffers for a couple of reasons I'll explain in a while. You basically stuffed a lot of content into a short essay, and there's not much foundation to hold it all up and glue to hold it together.
With this, gong to negatives, personally, I'd say this is too short for an essay with this number of arguments. That's more quantity than quality though, and that's not something you can forcefully improve without sacrificing quality. Do NOT try to make it longer by stuffing a couple more sentences in the middle, you'd only make a bloated mess that way.
Writing further essays, my advice would be, before you write a sentence, to ask yourself 'What can I say before I write what I'm thinking about now? Is there something I can add to move from the previous topic to this one?' Maybe you'll come up with nothing, that's fine as well.
The thing is, though, that
1) when writing an essay, you should aim to provide a broad image of the topic with a focus on a certain part you describe in detail, not just the latter,
2) in any kind of text but essays especially, you shouldn't do abrupt changes of topics, and even if you do, then they should be actually different topics starting from another paragraph.
Past that, word repetitions. There's quite a few of them, I noticed thrill and athletes, and in the third paragraph you even do an almost full copy of half a sentence. I don't think there's a need to explain why they are bad; if you're struggling with them, I'd advise to look up synonyms and see if you can change the paragraph a bit to join two same words (a very simple example of that is,
And third thing, some of your phrasing feels awkward, for example this:
Doing it this way makes it read smoother because you get rid an unnecessary repetition of the noun - it's not the same word, but it's obvious Beau Byron and author refers to the same person, so you should think how to contract it; if you do that, you can also easily add some additional information about the book or about the author, such as 'The young yet well-known writer Christopher Paolini, in his popular series titled "Inheritance", describes [...]'.
The idea is, if you have two sentences or two parts of a sentence where you refer to the same thing or person, change it up so you refer to that only once, but describe multiple things. The best example I can give you right now is actually your very first sentence, where you can write 'One out of almost ten injuries in extreme sports is either to the neck or head area of the body, and out of those eighty seven percent is to the head.' Fundamentally the same thing, but you don't have that repetition.
An issue closely related to that is how you join and separate you sentences. For example the 'But' in the middle of your first paragraph, which is bad not because it separates the sentence that would have been awkwardly long, but because of how it does it. 'But' should generally be used after a comma, except for specific cases; here a much better word would be 'however', with a comma afterwards.
A second example, the last sentence of you third paragraph, it's basically half of your paragraph and it's awkwardly long. My advice for that kind of thing is, try to say the sentence out loud. You'll generally just hear if it's too long, because you'll be stretching your voice unnaturally; instead, try to put stops where you make pauses. This here is kind of on the edge where you might still not want that full stop, but it's probably better to separate it for more impact. Just add a full stop after 'wrong' and remove the 'because', and the last sentence will immediately come off stronger.
This is quite a lot, honestly. Hard to compact it more though, not without sounding like I'm pointing out something vague without explaining what I mean. In general though, this isn't as bad as it may seem, because unlike many other texts I've seen (most notably from many of my classmates) yours has proper content and order. The way I see it, you've got the abilities and knowledge to write an essay properly, what you're lacking is just the ability to do it cleanly and clearly convey what you want to say. That comes just with a lot of practice.
The content is a mixed bag for me, you said a lot of good things but clearly describing them one after another suffers for a couple of reasons I'll explain in a while. You basically stuffed a lot of content into a short essay, and there's not much foundation to hold it all up and glue to hold it together.
With this, gong to negatives, personally, I'd say this is too short for an essay with this number of arguments. That's more quantity than quality though, and that's not something you can forcefully improve without sacrificing quality. Do NOT try to make it longer by stuffing a couple more sentences in the middle, you'd only make a bloated mess that way.
Writing further essays, my advice would be, before you write a sentence, to ask yourself 'What can I say before I write what I'm thinking about now? Is there something I can add to move from the previous topic to this one?' Maybe you'll come up with nothing, that's fine as well.
The thing is, though, that
1) when writing an essay, you should aim to provide a broad image of the topic with a focus on a certain part you describe in detail, not just the latter,
2) in any kind of text but essays especially, you shouldn't do abrupt changes of topics, and even if you do, then they should be actually different topics starting from another paragraph.
Past that, word repetitions. There's quite a few of them, I noticed thrill and athletes, and in the third paragraph you even do an almost full copy of half a sentence. I don't think there's a need to explain why they are bad; if you're struggling with them, I'd advise to look up synonyms and see if you can change the paragraph a bit to join two same words (a very simple example of that is,
And third thing, some of your phrasing feels awkward, for example this:
Instead, you can write 'Beau Byron, in his book titled "When Is a Sport Too Extreme?", points out [...].
Doing it this way makes it read smoother because you get rid an unnecessary repetition of the noun - it's not the same word, but it's obvious Beau Byron and author refers to the same person, so you should think how to contract it; if you do that, you can also easily add some additional information about the book or about the author, such as 'The young yet well-known writer Christopher Paolini, in his popular series titled "Inheritance", describes [...]'.
The idea is, if you have two sentences or two parts of a sentence where you refer to the same thing or person, change it up so you refer to that only once, but describe multiple things. The best example I can give you right now is actually your very first sentence, where you can write 'One out of almost ten injuries in extreme sports is either to the neck or head area of the body, and out of those eighty seven percent is to the head.' Fundamentally the same thing, but you don't have that repetition.
An issue closely related to that is how you join and separate you sentences. For example the 'But' in the middle of your first paragraph, which is bad not because it separates the sentence that would have been awkwardly long, but because of how it does it. 'But' should generally be used after a comma, except for specific cases; here a much better word would be 'however', with a comma afterwards.
A second example, the last sentence of you third paragraph, it's basically half of your paragraph and it's awkwardly long. My advice for that kind of thing is, try to say the sentence out loud. You'll generally just hear if it's too long, because you'll be stretching your voice unnaturally; instead, try to put stops where you make pauses. This here is kind of on the edge where you might still not want that full stop, but it's probably better to separate it for more impact. Just add a full stop after 'wrong' and remove the 'because', and the last sentence will immediately come off stronger.
This is quite a lot, honestly. Hard to compact it more though, not without sounding like I'm pointing out something vague without explaining what I mean. In general though, this isn't as bad as it may seem, because unlike many other texts I've seen (most notably from many of my classmates) yours has proper content and order. The way I see it, you've got the abilities and knowledge to write an essay properly, what you're lacking is just the ability to do it cleanly and clearly convey what you want to say. That comes just with a lot of practice.
