Prologue Feedback Please

[Pixxie]

Hi, there, guys. I'm writing a novella web series on this platform and I've written a Prologue for it. What do you guys think? Is it good or bad?

Synopsis: In this high fantasy epic, after dying from an incurable disease, eighteen-year old Mike is reincarnated into the world of Mysteria as a poor, homeless man for survival. Having had enough of his misfortunes, he goes out on a quest after a princess was kidnapped and demons attacked his kingdom. How will he succeed in his goal?

It's a western Harem that'll contain a loli type woman, a magical priest, a cat woman, a merfolk woman, a snow nymph, a couple kingdoms, a lot of villages, and an airship travel

The Tale of Mysteria-Issue #1: Prologue

With sweat pouring on my body from the sun's heat and fear, I ran from my car like my life was dependent on it. Coursing through me, my adrenaline was already pumped out. I was pretty much screwed. When I arrived at the cafe from Hudson Academy, my manager glared at me with his eyes nearly c...

docs.google.com

 

[LowinKeshin]

For a prologue, it doesn't hook me. Even though you are trying to make me sympathize with the MC, I don't feel pity for him as he kind of deserved it.

I watched the crowd with my co-workers and a frown on my face. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man! Now I'll have to explain that to my parents for getting a pay cut and be grounded, from Fortnite and hangin' out with my online friends there. So much for that!
I already don't have any real life friends, thanks to my parents trackin' me down every damn time. If I get fired from my job, say good-bye to my car and college. I'll not only won't be able to be independent, but I'll become a total loser in society in general.

This is the only part where you gave a reason why I should sympathize with him but it was treated like a detail I can simply glance at.

I watched the crowd with my co-workers and a frown on my face.
Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man! I don't want to explain the pay cut to my parents and be grounded. —Fortnite and hangin' out with my online friends were the only thing I looked up for. So much for that!
I already don't have any real life friends, thanks to my parents trackin' me down every damn time. I don't want to get fired, or it's a good-bye to my car and college. I'll not only won't be able to be independent, but I'll become a total loser in society in general.

I didn't want any of that. I just wanted to enjoy life.

His reason is shallow but that should give me enough reason to sympathize with him.

 

[Pixxie]

For a prologue, it doesn't hook me. Even though you are trying to make me sympathize with the MC, I don't feel pity for him as he kind of deserved it.


This is the only part where you gave a reason why I should sympathize with him but it was treated like a detail I can simply glance at.

His reason is shallow but that should give me enough reason to sympathize with him.

So how do I hook people to read it then?

 

[LowinKeshin]

Hooks are like promises you laid out for readers which set their expectations. They can be in many forms like your character introduction for Mike so we expect him as a kid who is clumsy, has social anxiety, is isolated, rebellious, and probably a bit narcissistic. I'm not saying that your character is bad as it can be pulled off, the problem was that when I read your prologue you simply narrated everything. Information was simply laid barebones.

In the beginning, we were already introduced to the manager and it felt like nothing. I readied myself to get angry at the manager but his reason is actually decent even on the customer part. Try giving it a setup before their meeting instead.

I run. I run like my life depended on it. I felt the sweat already clinging on my clothes and the pumped out adrenaline coursing through me. I was so screwed.
When I arrived at the cafe from Hudson Academy, my manager glared at me with his eyes nearly closed and his arms crossed. He was a middle aged Hispanic man with his packed muscles standing behind the counters with his two employees in blue, red and yellow uniforms who were around the same age as me, Madison and Isabella.

With this, it makes the readers question, 'Why is he running? What scared him that he is so screwed?' and then when they reach the manager part they will say, 'Oh, yep, you're screwed.'

Try learning what setups are and how hooks work.

 

[Pixxie]

Hooks are like promises you laid out for readers which set their expectations. They can be in many forms like your character introduction for Mike so we expect him as a kid who is clumsy, has social anxiety, is isolated, rebellious, and probably a bit narcissistic. I'm not saying that your character is bad as it can be pulled off, the problem was that when I read your prologue you simply narrated everything. Information was simply laid barebones.

In the beginning, we were already introduced to the manager and it felt like nothing. I readied myself to get angry at the manager but his reason is actually decent even on the customer part. Try giving it a setup before their meeting instead.


With this, it makes the readers question, 'Why is he running? What scared him that he is so screwed?' and then when they reach the manager part they will say, 'Oh, yep, you're screwed.'

Try learning what setups are and how hooks work.

And how can I make the MC's reasons less shallow?

 

[LowinKeshin]

Shallow reasons are fine as they make him more human so you don't need to improve it that much. But, if you want more depth, give it more details. Why does the Fortnite so important to him? Because it makes him actually good at something, praised by the community in Fortnite. His skills were impeccable for it and that contrast in his bad skills in reality is what made him love the fiction, the community, and the game. It made him special. He hates the reality but he will work hard, and persevere the harsh belittlement by the manager and his family. Because Fortnite is what completes him.

For that reason, even if he is a loser, even if he is clumsy, and even if his mistakes were his own doing, I will love that character.

 

[Pixxie]

Shallow reasons are fine as they make him more human so you don't need to improve it that much. But, if you want more depth, give it more details. Why does the Fortnite so important to him? Because it makes him actually good at something, praised by the community in Fortnite. His skills were impeccable for it and that contrast in his bad skills in reality is what made him love the fiction, the community, and the game. It made him special. He hates the reality but he will work hard, and persevere the harsh belittlement by the manager and his family. Because Fortnite is what completes him.

For that reason, even if he is a loser, even if he is clumsy, and even if his mistakes were his own doing, I will love that character.

Got it and I want to make a customer and manager terrible. How do I do that?

 

[LowinKeshin]

It's in the first-person point of view. Make us believe his words even if they aren't logical, or just an MC that can't own up to his mistake so he lies even in narration. In his mind, the manager is just a bossy person that gets angry for the sake of getting angry kind of stuff.

Or you can make him a doormat, one that is easily taken advantage of by people. The manager will criticize everything like his haircut and posture to cut a payment and the MC is afraid to complain. When he made a mistake with the coffee the customer told him that he will keep quiet if he cut the price in half. This way, the MC still makes mistakes but his mistakes are being taken advantage and he is afraid of confrontation.

 

[Pixxie]

It's in the first-person point of view. Make us believe his words even if they aren't logical, or just an MC that can't own up to his mistake so he lies even in narration. In his mind, the manager is just a bossy person that gets angry for the sake of getting angry kind of stuff.

Or you can make him a doormat, one that is easily taken advantage of by people. The manager will criticize everything like his haircut and posture to cut a payment and the MC is afraid to complain. When he made a mistake with the coffee the customer told him that he will keep quiet if he cut the price in half. This way, the MC still makes mistakes but his mistakes are being taken advantage and he is afraid of confrontation.

I fixed it already. What do you think?

The Tale of Mysteria-Issue #1: Prologue

With sweat pouring on my body from the sun's heat and fear, I ran from my car like my life was dependent on it. Coursing through me, my adrenaline was already pumped out. I was pretty much screwed. When I arrived at the cafe from Hudson Academy, my manager glared at me with his eyes nearly c...

docs.google.com

 

[LowinKeshin]

It's better I guess. Don't spend too much time on it. A lot of readers skip the prologue anyway but it's also a good introduction to his past life if it will never be tackled again.

 

[M.G.Driver]

This is personal opinion, but it feels like your prologue is too short to be necessary. Feels like you're trying to shoehorn in despair into as few words as possible. You either drag it out for three chapters to build emotional investment into the MC so the readers root for him when he goes over to the new world, or you go straight to the new world directly.

 

[Pixxie]

This is personal opinion, but it feels like your prologue is too short to be necessary. Feels like you're trying to shoehorn in despair into as few words as possible. You either drag it out for three chapters to build emotional investment into the MC so the readers root for him when he goes over to the new world, or you go straight to the new world directly.

Got it. I'll see what I can do.