Please review the first (and only atm) 3 Chapters of my fantasy light novel „Rulers of Darkness“

[BornInAbyss]

Hey guys,

I am currently restructuring and renewing my existing light novel into something more worth reading. I removed the isekai aspect of my story entirely because it doesn‘t quite fit into my story.

Would someone be kind enough to give me his review of the first 3 Chapters that I recently uploaded? I‘m curious to know if the story has potential.

Here is a short synopsis:

Marlorvina is annihilated by the High Council. They are searching for the Merthyl Crystal, which hangs on Aramoto’s necklace. He received the necklace from hisbrother Kishimoto before the latter disappeared without a trace. In the process, Aramoto loses his wife Shelly and his daughter Lisha. Weakened by the suffering of fate, Aramoto embarks on a torturous and aimless journey. Along the way, he ends up in the deadly Satsujin Desert, which plays with his mind, making him see and hear things that aren’t there. Subsequently, completely overtaken by madness, he loses consciousness. But he is saved by someone, someone who would restore his lost will to live and hope.

And here you go for reading the first 3 Chapters:

Rulers of Darkness - Chapter 1: Marlorvina | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[MadFireGod]

Take this with a grain of salt, as I'm a new writer.

But I skimmed through your first chapter and I have to say it needs work in my opinion.

For instance your opening: (A night passed, and the day dawned) — A night passed from what? Just the previous day? Usually when you say a night passed, something happened before that night...

Then there's this: (Breaking news. A global announcement from the High Council came on. Aramoto turned on the TV.) — This makes it sound like the news came on before Aramoto turned the TV on. ( Instead you could try something like — Aramoto clicked the TV on. A blaring announcement sounded: Breaking News! A global announcement from the High Council... etc)

These parts, not that important. But they bothered me. — (an improvised bat.) What did you use as an improvised bat? A table leg? A lamp? His own leg? Theres no explanation, just an improvised bat... (rushing at the demon with an iron rod) and where did he get an iron rod, why didn't he use that first instead of the "improvised bat"