One-Shot Feedback Association

[ohko]

Welcome to the One-Shot Feedback Association.

This is a casual low-commitment group that exists to help provide feedback to aspiring writers and spark friendships between SH members.

We provide detailed feedback on one chapter submitted by anyone and everyone on the forums. This can be one chapter of any genre or medium or writing style. The submitted chapter does not have to be a self-contained one-shot -- we accept prologues, synopses, first chapters, climax chapters, epilogues, poetry, short stories, etc. The "one-shot" in the group name refers to the fact that we strive to provide feedback for one chunk of writing.

The reason why we can only guarantee feedback for one chapter is because most of the group members are ordinary authors/writers like you. All of us are engaged in writing our own stories, and we can't commit to reading everyone's stories in their entirety. However, we're excited to connect any Scribblers interested in getting involved in the community, and we believe it's important that everyone who wants feedback has the opportunity to receive it.

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Instructions For Writers:

1. On this thread, post a link to the chapter you would like feedback on (e.g. ScribbleHub, Google Docs).
2. Please include content warnings if applicable.
3. Please summarize any relevant context necessary for the reviewer to understand your submission without having read the rest of your work.
4. Please make a preliminary self-assessment of your own writing:
   1. What are your goals as a writer?
   2. What do you feel like were your strengths in this chapter?
   3. What do you feel like still needs improvement in this chapter?
5. Poke the SH discord channel if you haven't gotten any response in a while!

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Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: Is there a maximum word count?
A: Try not to exceed 6000 words.

Q: Are reviewers allowed to give feedback on more than one chapter?
A: Of course! One chapter is the minimum. Reviewers are welcome to read and provide more feedback if they want.

Q: I'm really happy with the feedback I got. How do I get feedback on more chapters?
A: Try to make friends! Join the SH discord channel. A lot of us are really friendly and willing to go the extra mile for our friends. If you liked working with a specific reviewer, you can contact them and ask them if they're willing to review more of your story.

Q: I have a new series. Can I submit another chapter for feedback?
A: Yes! We try to guarantee feedback at least once per author per series.

Q: I re-wrote one of the chapters I previously submitted. Can I submit it again?
A: Yes! We recommend that you try to contact your original reviewers directly though!

Q: Can I become a reviewer?
A: Yup! Anyone reading this thread can jump in and provide feedback. If you'd like to receive reminders, @ohko tries to poke participants in the SH discord channel whenever we get a new submission.

 

[ohko]

Feedback for @FriendlyDragon's The Hidden World Chapter 12.

Request: Critique-read this chapter focusing on how emotional the scene is.

Preface: I've read all the way up to chapter 11, so I'm familiar with the context of this story and generally already like the protagonist as a character. I would say that this story roughly falls within the genres that I would enjoy reading normally (maybe not so much the superpowers), so I might have some added investment in the story compared to someone who is totally neutral. Also, I've previously given feedback on this chapter once already.

Inline Edits/Comments: on google doc

Impressions:

So the first thing that stands out to me immediately after coming from Chapter 11 is that there's no indication that Chapter 12 begins as a flashback. The reader comes to this inference in the second paragraph, which is fine. Some additional suggestions (these are merely suggestions that don't need to be taken) to help differentiate this chapter as a flashback include:

• Use a different writing tone/atmosphere than your regular chapters
• Use a different kind of formatting (e.g. italics)

The reason why this comes up as a suggestion is because this chapter is a sudden break from the mood/atmosphere/everything of all your prior chapters. It helps to have additional clues and signals for the reader that this chapter is going to be different. If we use anime as an example, you'll probably note that flashback scenes are often done in entirely different color palettes than the regular series. For instance, the directors will choose to use sepia or a weird sparkly light or something to reflect a different perspective.

Consider the alternative if anime directors just animated the flashbacks in regular color.

It wouldn't be bad. Watchers would still be able to figure it out based on the age of the characters, so it's not like there's really too much missing. However, I wanted to bring it up because sometimes you can gain something by shifting the mood/atmosphere of the flashback to help it standout more.

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The second thing that stands out is that you start this scene trying to portray it as a normal/happy scene. You're restricting the information available to the narrator to something akin to Yuki's perspective.

I think this is a good thing. Basically what I interpret from this is that you are planning to make the reader experience the big bad realization along with Yuki for added emotional impact. All of this is good stuff and I'm on board for this choice.

However, I get to lines like this:

While she walked, she started to whisper words of comfort, saying that nothing will go wrong or that everything was fine or that papa would come soon, that seemed to be more for herself rather than Yuki.

You're leaking the surprise without giving any punch!

Starting from this paragraph and moving onwards, rather than delivering a punch, you sort of have a lukewarm crescendo of "maybe something is wrong". I'm not sure how much impact you give by doing it this way. To me, you're just releasing emotional ammunition/steam without delivering any impact by giving clear warning signs to the reader that something is off.

To me, I think you might get a more emotional scene by reserving your cards and playing them at bigger chunks.

The first time you reveal that something is wrong is a big play. It's a critical moment in this chapter, and make sure that it falls on a scene that has extra weight that you want to emphasize. If it were me, I think I would have continued to show the world through Yuki's perspective (happy~ happy~ happy~ without obvious giveaways that something is wrong) right until about here:

She began to cry, her shoulders shaking.

“Why are you crying, Mama?” Yuki asked in an innocent voice. “Are you sad?”

Mama's crying being a critical juncture that corrupts the illusion of happiness (from the reader's/Yuki's perspective).

You could develop this crying moment more as a breakdown (because I'm pretty sure she wouldn't cry unless she lost control), and there's a lot of good tasty juicy writing stuff you can do involving the distortion/cracking of a reassuring face into a crying one.

Remember: Your reader isn't in on the secret. The first time you reveal something is wrong to the reader is a huge play in this chapter.

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The assassin scene.

I think I could appreciate more space in terms of pacing.

Yuki is undoubtably shocked after seeing this, so adjust the pacing the reflect the shock.

An example that would be really worthwhile for you to check out is Owl-senpai's short story: Full Fathom Zero

You don't have to really read it in detail (skimming is fine), and really quickly you'll notice that he uses sentence/paragraph length (and white space) the control the pacing and rhythm of the story. It's not necessary to mimic him entirely, but Owl-san is very very good at controlling pace and silence in his story, and it would be a good learning experience to see it just once.

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Mama's last lines are still a little cliche for me.

A person's last words have a lot of literary weight. Think carefully about the words that you want to sit on your protagonist's head forever. If you can tie it into his values, person, being... theme... many options here... this is one of the best opportunities to tie something to the boarder message/picture of your story.

Explore this link (Fictional last words in literature) on Wikipedia for examples of how last words can be done meaningfully.

I'll highlight a few I like:

I'm cold.

Cold has a lot of literary symbolism. Very meaty line even if it's super simple.

Fly, you fools!

Means something!

For you. Tonight, you go first-class.

Means something!

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Yuki stood up and walked out of the house with controlled steps, leaving the burnt husk as empty and broken as him.

This isn't developed enough.

If your point is to demonstrate that this event is what caused Yuki to become emotionless, you haven't actually convinced me.

Lots of people go through traumatizing events without losing their emotions; you need to develop the buildup to this line much more. It's not entirely clear to me why Yuki suddenly stops crying, etc, when the normal response is to keep crying if you were already crying to begin with (or be filled with fear or anger). It's just not explained or described enough, especially when this is a major feature of Yuki's personality.

In story, unusual things generally need require more attention and focus.

It's unusual for Yuki to transform from an empathetic child to an emotionless one, so really develop this a lot lot more!

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Overall great work! -hugs-

 

[Reader1]

Wrote a short joke. First time in a long time writing something so I'm happy with it, especially since it was so impromptu. Feel me know what you think https://www.scribblehub.com/series/16133/thanksgiving-dinner/

 

[ohko]

Wrote a short joke. First time in a long time writing something so I'm happy with it, especially since it was so impromptu. Feel me know what you think https://www.scribblehub.com/series/16133/thanksgiving-dinner/

You didn't really specify what you'd like feedback on so I'll just give general impressions!

To be perfectly honest, I didn't get the joke. >.< Aside from its crudeness, it was pretty well executed though, at least in the sense that I didn't predict exactly how it was going to go.

There's a few grammar things I'll point out.

One is that your switch narration tenses midway through from past tense to present. Normally, I would recommend sticking to a single tense for the whole thing unless there's something very specific you're trying to achieve.

Two is that you have fairly peculiar usage of commas; they're not used correctly in several instances. I would check out this link for grammar tips on this subject.

And other than that a few other grammar/syntax errors but it doesn't detract too much from the reading experience.

Good work overall!

 

[Reader1]

You didn't really specify what you'd like feedback on so I'll just give general impressions!

To be perfectly honest, I didn't get the joke. >.< Aside from its crudeness, it was pretty well executed though, at least in the sense that I didn't predict exactly how it was going to go.

There's a few grammar things I'll point out.

One is that your switch narration tenses midway through from past tense to present. Normally, I would recommend sticking to a single tense for the whole thing unless there's something very specific you're trying to achieve.

Two is that you have fairly peculiar usage of commas; they're not used correctly in several instances. I would check out this link for grammar tips on this subject.

And other than that a few other grammar/syntax errors but it doesn't detract too much from the reading experience.

Good work overall!

I really appreciate this link actually. I know my grammar/syntax isn't the best anymore, I've gotten too used to texting. Thank you for reading though, I might write actual stories in the future so keep an eye out for me

That said, the grammar Nazis shall never find me!