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[DepravedRoyalty]

Wrote that random title as I was uncertain whether anyone would watch it or not. I just wanted someone to review my first chapter. As a new writer I am open to suggestions and criticisms. Whether the feedback is advice or plane hate, I shall accept it and try to learn something from it.

This Game Is Just Absolutely Ridiculous!!!

Why does this game have so many in-game purchases? What's a poor man like me supposed to do? Cry, as the rich kids complete the game? Arc continually questions himself as he starts playing the New Most Popular VR Game. Grades, Image, Peer pressure, Expectations, a teen is burdened by...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[nosinkarma]

I am no critic, I don't really get much of writing myself. You will get much better feedback from others with vast experience. I simply giving some extra POV you might be needing.

Ok, you are probably like me, just new to writing. The way chapter is written, I mean the writing style, narrative, all that just doesn't feel seamless. But that is ok, the more you write the better you will get at making well formed sentences.

You have done amazing job in making those tables, that's a lot of effort, you have put real good amount of work. It shows that you love your project, but can you do that every chapter. You need to punch like 2-3 chapter a week at least, and those tables are time consuming.

Also your concept is well selected (popular in this platform), so you giving vrmmo, comedy, fun, easy going novel; ok can get many people interested, just punch few more chapter out.

I hope this is somewhat helpful.

 

[DepravedRoyalty]

I am no critic, I don't really get much of writing myself. You will get much better feedback from others with vast experience. I simply giving some extra POV you might be needing.

Ok, you are probably like me, just new to writing. The way chapter is written, I mean the writing style, narrative, all that just doesn't feel seamless. But that is ok, the more you write the better you will get at making well formed sentences.

You have done amazing job in making those tables, that's a lot of effort, you have put real good amount of work. It shows that you love your project, but can you do that every chapter. You need to punch like 2-3 chapter a week at least, and those tables are time consuming.

Also your concept is well selected (popular in this platform), so you giving vrmmo, comedy, fun, easy going novel; ok can get many people interested, just punch few more chapter out.

I hope this is somewhat helpful.

Thank for the feedback! It was helpful, From now, I shall try to make my sentences feel more seamless

 

[Kitsura]

It's quite good I liked it.

Use less "—" though, it does detract from the story and gets distracting to read.

A little more exposition would be helpful. Cold open sort of chapters are fine but I'm a little lost on where you're going with Arc.

 

[Deleted member 53101]

Use less "—" though,

Seconded. It is inconvenient to the reader's eyes, use it lesser. Honestly, I thought that M-dashes is only for cutting/interrupting a person from speaking, so you could also use it for that kind of thing. I prefer to use it sparingly, though.

 

[Zirrboy]

At first the EM dashes didn't seem that annoying, but by the end, I also agree with the two above.
First of, the EM dash is for stressing things, so try to avoid it unless that's the case, which probably shouldn't be more than 1-3 times per chapter, depending on length

For attributes, bind them to the word they actually belong to

His body—naked—looked[...] → His naked body looked[...]

For larger structures, make them independent sentences or subordinate clauses

[...]in his academy—the administrative[...] → [...]in his academy. The administrative[...]

[...]hanging above the table—a date marked with[...] → [...]hanging above the table, presenting a date marked with[...]

Those are just suggestions, but I hope you can get my meaning.

---

The tables are a matter of preference, so I can't tell you whether to use them or not, but there are a few things I think you should keep in mind.

They break the reading flow. Think: Everything halts as Arc stares at the info screen.
For the current three tables that kind of makes sense, but I'd suggest you refrain from using them in excess later on.

If you need them, focus on important info. Leave out the rest, or highlight the bits you're going to talk about next.
Adding a pre-formatted table for every new item will just lead to readers skipping them, worsening their reading experience due to the breaks and giving you unneeded work.

The ones in chapter 1
Class: merge the free/paid columns, since you point out the price either way

For the awakening locations and skills, you put a huge list of names, but none of them seem particularly important.
Since you say that there are more either way, why not keep it to a short few?
Name generators are convenient, but they should be used in spots where it's better to have a name, not in any case it's possible.

 

[DepravedRoyalty]

At first the EM dashes didn't seem that annoying, but by the end, I also agree with the two above.
First of, the EM dash is for stressing things, so try to avoid it unless that's the case, which probably shouldn't be more than 1-3 times per chapter, depending on length

For attributes, bind them to the word they actually belong to


For larger structures, make them independent sentences or subordinate clauses


Those are just suggestions, but I hope you can get my meaning.

---

The tables are a matter of preference, so I can't tell you whether to use them or not, but there are a few things I think you should keep in mind.

They break the reading flow. Think: Everything halts as Arc stares at the info screen.
For the current three tables that kind of makes sense, but I'd suggest you refrain from using them in excess later on.

If you need them, focus on important info. Leave out the rest, or highlight the bits you're going to talk about next.
Adding a pre-formatted table for every new item will just lead to readers skipping them, worsening their reading experience due to the breaks and giving you unneeded work.

The ones in chapter 1
Class: merge the free/paid columns, since you point out the price either way

For the awakening locations and skills, you put a huge list of names, but none of them seem particularly important.
Since you say that there are more either way, why not keep it to a short few?
Name generators are convenient, but they should be used in spots where it's better to have a name, not in any case it's possible.

Wow, those were some great advice. Really Appreciate it!

 

[Zirrboy]

Story wise, I can't say much.
The beginning uses common tropes (Low social status, poverty, school pressure...), so it's understandable imo, but it might be a bit too generic to be engaging by itself.
If you plan to focus your story on the game world and Arc's actions there, that should be fine, but I highly suggest you to add some defining personality, be it here or in a later chapter.