Offering feedback on your first chapter

[Peagreene]

Bunny's Girl's father Lappe cut off her head when she was 8 and snitched on a bunny head on her decapitated body and put her brain into the bunny head. He kept her life while replacing her head with bunny head and placed her brain from her head into the bunny head. Lappe is a serial killer. He cut off people's heads and replaced them with animal heads and he also replaced limbs with animal limbs. He replaced his daughter's head with a bunny head because her favorite animal was bunnies.

Flesh it out, add some emotional motivation, write it, edit it, post it.

 

[Shadowless3]

mine too

Beneath the Crown

Born of royal blood but raised in shadows, she lives among the streets. A bright, reckless spirit with a hidden past and a secret only her sister knows. Careless, curious, and untamed, she has no interest in kingdoms, crowns, or fate. A streetwise troublemaker with a secret past, she hides...

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[TooThunder7]

I want my book to have a comic book feel you know. Not just a white background and regular black letters. I want my book to have a style not in like a writing style but like in visual style you know?

 

[Peagreene]

Just adding mine to the pile because it is a fun time.

The Secret Lives of Magical Girls

Under constant threat by malevolent forces bleeding through the fabric of reality, the world must turn to divine guardians chosen by the heavens: magical girls. These young women rise to the occasion and fend off the vile monsters seeking to corrupt and consume all of humanity, but there is...

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I suppress a groan as my boss calls out from his posh, all-glass office. “Yes, Mr. Ma?”

I like the detail specifying that the office is posh, but I'm less a fan of the all-glass detail. At this point it's just description, but doesn't reveal much else, so it could be more potent/pithy.

I hear my balding, penguin-shaped boss waddle out of his office so I whirl around and throw on a professional, practiced smile, but I fear that it is marred by annoyance.

It's kind of weird to have visual descriptors like this accompany "I hear" -- it's not like his lack of hair or body shape has an impact on her hearing him. "Penguin-shaped" is a fun visual, I'd just put it when the narrator sees him, not hears him.

In truth, I just wanted to escape the colorless prison of my daily life.

The way these thoughts are paced makes them seem like a voiceover in a film. Which is interesting, ngl.

“Yes, Ma’am?” Junsheng replies as he shoots upright and stares over the top of his cubicle like a startled groundhog.

I wonder if the image of a groundhog could be switched for something stronger. We've got the boss looking like a penguin, now a co-worker acting like a groundhog -- is this a theme throughout, like our narrator is the only human in a zoo (could emphasize this by likening the all-glass office to an aquarium/vivarium, in which case it would be stronger to liken the boss to a fish or reptile). Is there an image you could use that's not just visual but also thematically relevant?

It is enough to get my boss off of my back for a moment, so I turn to my computer and finish logging in for another day on the grind.

So this is happening before she's even finished logging in? I'd try make that clearer from the get-go as that doesn't come through.

I have the dubious honor of leading a team of four enterprising individuals with a hodgepodge of skills because I have a knack for leadership and a flair for innovation.

I like the CV-speak here, but wonder if it could be amped up even more to show how unfulfilling this job is and how little she cares about it.

I’d believe the same thing if I was in their shoes.

This makes it sound like it isn't true, but she just admitted she's here because her dad is the CEO.

One fateful week about three years ago brought about more drastic changes to my life than any other. I recently graduated with my fancy business degree and began the grueling process of job hunting. However, my father casually hinted that an opening at his company might be a good fit for his prodigal daughter. Foolishly, I took the bait with naive enthusiasm, and he set up an interview for later that week.

Needless to say, that interview went well and I began a two-year intern position that set me up for my current job. However, that interview is not important, despite being a life-changing event in its own right. Believe it or not, but it can get worse — or, at least, more extreme.

This is repeating what we already know. You could cut that whole first scene with Mr Ma's papers and open right here.

A blouse with a skirt and hosiery is the traditional, feminine choice.

How does she feel about this?

It is a truly beautiful man with an unmistakable aura of confidence and the poise of an emperor.

Why's he beautiful? Describe him.

He also dresses like one — from some five or six centuries ago.

Describe this for the people who have no idea what that might look like.

“So, what happens if I accept it?”

Isn't a more pertinent question, what happens if she rejects it?

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Solid start. If this was my genre, I'd probably read on.

How about mine?

A Promise from Me to You

Talent and change, those two define humanity. Yet, Elliot had neither. As a freshman at Laxus Flare Academy, Elliot Elanderin is surrounded by brilliance and exellence you couldn't find anywhere else. Compared to them, or anyone really, Elliot is pathetically ordinary—someone without a defining...

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Your formatting is very intense. Try fewer paragraph breaks.

‘These seats are terrible…’

As I rode on the bus, I couldn’t help but complain internally.

The seats were so stiff that I would’ve preferred the seat without the cushion.

This is a really dry opening. It doesn't reveal anything interesting about the character, setting, or situation.

A place full of talent.

‘What a pain…’

What is talent anyway?

Is he being sarcastic about it being full of talent? Is the bit in quote marks his thoughts? If so, I'd recommend incorporating it into the rest of the narrative so it doesn't get confused with dialogue. And what's he talking about, what's a pain?

Isn’t it a skill, a trait, and an advantage that defines you? It’s your purpose, right?

That means it gives you value as a human being. It’s your role. What sets you apart.

And most importantly, your worth.

I'm assuming the narrator's journey is learning this isn't true.

Turning my head, I saw a teenage boy with long black hair, smooth tan skin, brown eyes. He was also wearing the male version of our school uniform.

That boy was my best friend, Tristan.

This is you, the writer, saying this, not the character. The character would hear their friend's voice and say "that's Tristan". They wouldn't describe him like they've never met him before. What is the male version of the school uniform? Saying "the male version" makes it sound like the narrator is wearing the female version.

Tristan really hated pains.

Wha

Tristan and I began to have a pretty trivial conversation. It’s not like we really discussed anything of importance, it was just a calm talk.

If this conversation isn't important, it begs the question of why it's being included. Why open the scene here when nothing interesting or important is happening?

The cafeteria looked clean and nice as well and definitely not like your average American high school.

What does this mean? I don't know what an average American high school cafeteria looks like, so this means nothing to me.

When she did, I took a moment to glance at her.

This makes it sound like this is the first time he's looked at her.

Honestly, she was pretty.

I don't believe you.

It had a beautiful melody that made you want to hum along. One that relaxed you into a state of pure bliss.

One that motivated you to be better.

I feel like these are all very different things.

A girl that looks to be my age, playing on the piano a song that’s almost as beautiful as her.

Switched to present tense.

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I didn't love this. The majority of the chapter is pointless filler about classes that isn't exciting or fun to read. I'd suggest opening the story when the action starts, or at least when something more interesting than a bus journey without any stakes happens.