Always looking to improve, edited several chunks based on a roasters review too.
Please and thank you!
He came from the sand and the silence, carrying yesterday's ghosts. On Morrak II — a forgotten world choked by dust storms and old war-wounds — survival is a daily negotiation with hunger, rust, and the whims of machine-priests who no longer understand their own relics. Elissa Brandt has kept...
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Honestly, the only connection I have to warhammer is from sending issues of white dwarf for close to a decade. To be honest, it’s hard to get someone’s opinion on a fanfic when they don’t fully grasp the context behind the setting. But I’ll give you my opinion on it purely as a story and I hope it helps out a bit:
I’ll mostly leave the review to the line-by-line, because my overall feelings are already stated there, so I’ll just state what worked well to me, and what didn’t.
What worked well was the voice, which was honestly a massive positive. Those small little lines she had that showed us who exactly she was; a confident woman who’s not willing to be intimidated, or at least show it because she knows what happens to those that depend on her if she does. I just wish we got more focus on that in the story.
As for what didn’t land for me, it’s that stacking of descriptive phrases you tied into every aspect of the story. The first thing I’d suggest tackling is the constant use of descriptors you added to almost every variation of “she said,” such as “Elissa repeated, her voice firm but not unkind.” You piled so many of these on it started to feel like you weren’t confident enough in the tone you set during the dialogue and needed to double up to make sure we understood.
Usually I’d say to trust the readers to understand what you meant (which I still think applies here), but the biggest thing I’d suggest is to trust yourself. You know how to deliver a meaning through action and dialogue like with this: “Damn. That is a nice ride, she thought wryly, her lips quirking into a brief, humorless smile. Wonder who he stole it from?” Rely on those.
Point of view slipped throughout the entire story, and it broke my immersion. When I get parts like: “but the purposeful set of her shoulders and the sharp glint of her emerald eyes heightened their interest tonight.” When you swap to a different perspective and describe something the character we’re reading about shouldn’t know, it makes me realize that I’m reading a book written by the author.
Overall, you have very clear strengths as a writer, but your main weakness was distracting and pulled me out a bit. I have faith you can turn this into something special, but it’ll come at the cost of trimming it down so other readers can fully appreciate it. If you have any questions, want me to explain something further, or just think I missed something, feel free to send me a message.
Line-by-Line (these are notes I take during my read. As such, they are not going to have the same tone as my overall review, and will reflect my current emotions during my read of each line):
“As the sun dipped below the horizon, the desert sands turned to molten gold in the dying light.” - very good opening.
“The aroma mixed with the dry, earthy scent of the small home carved into the rock.” - Already can tell you have a good voice so far.
“From the adjoining room came the sound of water splashing and the occasional burst of laughter, the chaotic noise of her daughters still holding a comforting familiarity.” - this is where you should’ve zoomed back into a head. But you chose to keep it at this distance. If you’re going to keep going as an omniscient narration, then this voice is fine. But if you plan on continuing from her at close-third, then I want to start hearing the main character’s voice.
“practiced motion.” - the problem with saying “practiced motion” is it doesn’t actually give us a visual tell to what’s happening, rather a label. Give us some sort of interaction that makes it feel practiced, such as her tucking the strand of hair behind her ear without looking.
“weary authority” - I’m starting to see a bit of a pattern where you have these extra adjectives to describe words that already kind of have a description themselves. If this was isolated, it’s actually fine, but compounded with the rest of your uses so far it starts to detract from their impact.
“The young man's voice came through, tight with a tension that made her pause.” - When you stack modifiers, you’re not building up for impact, but rather blunting it. Just think about it like saying “this man was poised… too calm… and almost terrifyingly controlled. So it doesn’t come off as too vague, I’ll give you a description of how I feel like the sentence could’ve flowed: “the strain in the young man’s voice made her pause.”
“but he wasn't prone to overreacting—not in Dusthaven” - ‘Not in Dusthaven’ doesn’t relate to the person it’s describing, and it almost changes the entire sentence to feel like: “He wasn’t prone to overreacting. But only here in Duskhaven, everywhere else, he does.”
“impossible armor” - I’m so used to seeing this said in novels recently, but I genuinely don’t understand what impossible means as a qualifier here. Impossibly heavy? It’s too vague to leave any sort of impact as it stands.
“Kala answered, her usual rebellious edge still present, though tempered by adulthood.” - these are the types of things that really need to be delivered through either dialogue or interactions. Don’t drop defining character traits in lines of exposition.
"And if I'm not back in twenty minutes, take the roast out of the oven. Don't burn it like last time," she added dryly. - Just want to say that I really like this line. Gives us so much character about our main character quickly.
“The voice of Kala replied from upstairs, more amused than anything.” - too many words to describe too little. It’s a simple emotional moment that doesn’t need extra narration to deliver it.
“Above, the solid stone of the mountain under which Dusthaven was carved loomed, blocking out the stars.” - This section, all the way to “the night sky peek through, would be better condensed. Above doesn’t need to be stated because we’re talking about the stars, and the first sentence should’ve been describing the shade/darkness that comes from the mountain blocking them, leading into talking about the sky peaking through to the south. The mountain provided a decent amount of world building, but the setting around us still needs to be fleshed out.
“Yet, as Elissa strode with determination… tonight.” - Two thoughts on this. First, what is yet contrasting at the start of this? And second, the whole thing felt like a cat walk almost with how everything played out. We get, “she walked with determination,” leading into “purposeful shoulders,” and finally “sharp glint of her emerald eyes.” I know I’m supposed to feel tension here, but we’re so focused on the performance that it takes away from the urgency.
“Damn. That is a nice ride, she thought wryly, her lips quirking into a brief, humorless smile. Wonder who he stole it from?” - honestly, your character’s voice is the strongest point of this story so far. Have her voice meld a bit more with the prose.
“"Oh shit— the roast!" - Honestly, I forgot about it too. Great way to end this chapter off on.
