What I mean when I say "The cover is obviously AI" is really "from what I see, you didn't really put enough time into generating your cover for it to look unique and good." Many authors will not bother to learn how to prompt an AI well and end up with something that looks kind of half-baked and generic, or that's obviously in a particular AI's "style" in a way that makes it look cheap/like you didn't put in effort. Good covers use more advanced prompting techniques to produce art that has a 'spark' to it and has less of the 'lifelessness' of low-effort AI art.
Your first chapter is fine, but is a little below my reading level - it reads like it's aimed at young adults, and so it's not really a target market I know how to pitch to (being a decidedly adults-only writer myself.) It's clear mechanically and has a rather odd and interesting premise, but I do find it a little weird that the tentacle aliens have babies that go "waaaah" and all the same technology as earth's.
Your first chapter failed to grab me, not because it has any glaring fault, but simply because it feels... mediocre. It's serviceable, but it fails to grasp my attention despite some interesting stylistic flourishes like the babies being named "gelatin" and "agar" that lend it a little voice. It's clear that you have some understanding of how to harness an AI and not produce ludicrously overworked prose, but it feels like it's missing a 'spark' of originality. Whether this is due to over-reliance on your robot butler or not, I recommend trying to rework it a little more to get more of the unique character of the protagonist onto the page - I think they are currently defined mostly by the ridiculousness of their situation, rather than their personality traits.
Your conflict is fine, but I slid off the text by the end of the first chapter. I hope you keep building something worthwhile with your AI assistant and learn more how to harness its foibles.
When I open your piece, I am immediately struck by the awkwardness of your voice. You occupy this weird liminal area where you're not quite in Colin's head, hearing his thoughts, and not quite storytelling what happened to him from third person, but instead are sort of narrating Colin's life as if it was something that happened to a third party despite being in his head. Your flow is weak.
Your first chapter mostly feels like filler - you don't get action onto the page until the fruit bat (?) drops by the house with the book. I think it would be better to inline most of the details here as setting information discovered later. Colin's personality, however, is important and should get on the page early - and I'm having trouble finding a unique quality to him in chapter 1.
Overall, I would say this feels like a novice work, but one with some potential to it. I've written openers this shaky before. My advice to you is simply to keep writing and keep getting words onto the page; smoothness will come with time and practice. Editing your own material and training your critical eye might also help with some of your awkwardness.
Okay, this is a funky little creature. You've got clear, unique character voices, an immediate reason for me to care about the protagonist (being confronted with the call to war but deciding to take up arms despite being obviously scared of the situation) and a setting that compels me. I feel a little wary as a reader because you've got an obviously Christian prayer up front in the story, but that's fundamentally because I am an atheist, not because there is anything wrong with the piece itself. I think bringing real-life religion into your story might turn off readers (
crystal dragon jesus happens a lot in the fantasy zone) but I do like that it shows that you have some conviction in what sort of world you want to present. I think that a certain kind of reader will deeply enjoy the situation you're sketching here, and I have conviction from your first chapter that you know what you're doing. I wish you good luck and a healthy fanbase!
This immediately strikes me as something you're posting to the wrong site. This style of slow, remonstrative piece doesn't tend to do too well on Scribblehub, at least, not when it's grounded in earthly reality. This is much more of a fantasy/sf style site in my experience.
Your introduction gives me character voices and a decent starting situation. It seems like more of a character piece, so it relies heavily on these girls seeming unique and like people. They serve accceptably as characters, but could use something more unique about them. The premise of it being about grief touches me, but once again is not really the kind of story that people on Scribblehub are looking for - people go to Scribblehub to kill time and read something fun, not to consider grief and life and think about the bigger questions. From a casual glance, Webnovel might be more likely to accept your work and celebrate it. I've seen several serious pieces like yours sink without trace here.
Your writing is solid, as far as it goes; I think your issue is more with finding the right audience to present this to.
GORGEOUS cover, which is sure to attract many interested readers. Reincarnated lover/immortal lover is a classic setup, and one I've written myself, so I'm immediately interested. Vampire/Vampire Hunter is also a classic setup. Let's see how the first chapter holds up.
Okay, I don't even need to finish this chapter to know you know what you're doing. Your imagery is stark and well-selected - just looking at paragraphs like
and
You're using four senses out of five - sound and sight (the flapping coat), scent (blood and tallow, damp air), touch (burning lungs, the skid across the stones), and to top it all off you've got that lovely simile of "like broken wings" in there. Your style is economical, sharp, and practised. I daresay you're a better writer than I am. Keep writing and you'll find your audience.
I agree with Zanna that you should cut your chapters smaller for the webnovel market. Figure out the shorter format and you'll conquer.
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