Novel feedback from senpai

[Cielo.C]

Hello~
I am a new writer here and I need guidance and feedback. Before that, I'd like to talk about the kind of writer I am (I think?) I want to be a slice-of-life writer and I aim to write novels about life, dreams, people and the like. I know this genre isn't really common in ScribbleHub, but it doesn't matter. Whatever your genre is, I'd love to hear from you. Feel free to criticize my work, be it the grammar, sentence structures, phasing, outline, characters, choice of words, etc. I know it's not perfect and there's always room for improvement. And for that, I am willing to fix and work on my novel. As a newbie, one of the ways to be a better writer is to listen to other writers' feedback and comments. I am more than willing to be under my senpai-samas' tutelage! Thank you!

P.S. I am still learning many features of this site, sorry if I just post a link. Idk how to do the other way...uWu

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/61758/my-love-song/

 

[GDLiZy]

This should be in Story Feedback. People will be more willing to give feedback in there.

Not really my type so I'm afraid I can't really help. Just know that slice-of-life is more popular here than you think, so you'll be alright. The only complaint I have from skimming through is that you make the text too packed sometimes. People usually don't like wall of texts, especially in slice-of-life that's supposed to be relaxing.

 

[NiQuinn]

Did a quick read and here are some comments:

Spoiler: excerpt

After paying, he would head to the coffee station, grab a medium-size cup and choose Colombian coffee. After pressing the cup size button, the store would be enveloped by the sound of the machine grinding the coffee beans and turn it into the dark-roast coffee he loved. After inhaling the scent of his freshly-brewed coffee and admiring the crema for a bit, he would sit on a seat against the glass window at the rear of the store.

Using 'after' to start three consecutive sentences kinda takes me out of the story. It feels a little stilted. Try changing that up a bit. Something like this maybe:

After paying, he would head to the coffee station, grab a medium-size cup and choose Colombian coffee. He would then press the cup size button, letting the store be enveloped by the sound of the machine grinding the coffee beans and turn it into the dark-roast coffee he loved. Once done, he would inhale the scent of his freshly-brewed coffee and admiring the crema for a bit, he would sit on a seat against the glass window at the rear of the store.

Then there was this:

Not only that, but there were men's and women's restrooms - something you couldn't find in the country.

What on earth do you mean? There are no other men's and women's restrooms anywhere else but her store? That sounds so odd.

There are some verb tense issues that I've noticed but I could only skim through the first chapter right now. Also, what on earth is a beer cave? I felt lost in translation there. Maybe describe it differently? Or maybe it's just me.

 

[Cielo.C]

Did a quick read and here are some comments:

Spoiler: excerpt

Using 'after' to start three consecutive sentences kinda takes me out of the story. It feels a little stilted. Try changing that up a bit. Something like this maybe:

After paying, he would head to the coffee station, grab a medium-size cup and choose Colombian coffee. He would then press the cup size button, letting the store be enveloped by the sound of the machine grinding the coffee beans and turn it into the dark-roast coffee he loved. Once done, he would inhale the scent of his freshly-brewed coffee and admiring the crema for a bit, he would sit on a seat against the glass window at the rear of the store.

Then there was this:



What on earth do you mean? There are no other men's and women's restrooms anywhere else but her store? That sounds so odd.

There are some verb tense issues that I've noticed but I could only skim through the first chapter right now. Also, what on earth is a beer cave? I felt lost in translation there. Maybe describe it differently? Or maybe it's just me.

Aye! Thank you for pointing them out. I should have added more details in the restroom part. Redundancy is a sin, isn't it? Beer cave is pretty much a walk-in beer cooler. Thank you, Senpai. Will work on the corrections now! I appreciate it!

 

[Cielo.C]

Did a quick read and here are some comments:

Spoiler: excerpt

Using 'after' to start three consecutive sentences kinda takes me out of the story. It feels a little stilted. Try changing that up a bit. Something like this maybe:

After paying, he would head to the coffee station, grab a medium-size cup and choose Colombian coffee. He would then press the cup size button, letting the store be enveloped by the sound of the machine grinding the coffee beans and turn it into the dark-roast coffee he loved. Once done, he would inhale the scent of his freshly-brewed coffee and admiring the crema for a bit, he would sit on a seat against the glass window at the rear of the store.

Then there was this:



What on earth do you mean? There are no other men's and women's restrooms anywhere else but her store? That sounds so odd.

There are some verb tense issues that I've noticed but I could only skim through the first chapter right now. Also, what on earth is a beer cave? I felt lost in translation there. Maybe describe it differently? Or maybe it's just me.

A beer cave is a walk-in beer cooler =0 EVen grammarly failed me on my verb tenses uwu! Thank you!

 

[NiQuinn]

EVen grammarly failed me on my verb tenses uwu!

Don't rely on grammarly. Ever. It's somewhat of a good guide but it really won't help you write a novel. In fact, I find that it makes sentence structure rather stiff. It doesn't flow quite well under grammarly guidance.

 

[ChronicleCrawler]

Don't rely on grammarly. Ever. It's somewhat of a good guide but it really won't help you write a novel. In fact, I find that it makes sentence structure rather stiff. It doesn't flow quite well under grammarly guidance.

True, it's better to read it aloud by yourself. Then if you feel that the sentences flow nicely from your tongue, its good. Grammarly could be sometimes annoying since some corrections it provides makes the sentences I write sound quite robotic.

 

[Cielo.C]

Don't rely on grammarly. Ever. It's somewhat of a good guide but it really won't help you write a novel. In fact, I find that it makes sentence structure rather stiff. It doesn't flow quite well under grammarly guidance.

Yeah I feel like it makes writing harder if I strictly follow the corrections. I will keep that it mind. Thank you

 

[Cielo.C]

True, it's better to read it aloud by yourself. Then if you feel that the sentences flow nicely from your tongue, its good. Grammarly could be sometimes annoying since some corrections it provides makes the sentences I write sound quite robotic.

I will try that! Thanks