Thank youuu for the replies on my question about chapters. I've split them up, and I feel a lot better!! It really did help.
If anyone is interested in a romance marriage of convivence bl... check out
Be My Travel Husband, where the mc gets to experience doing travel work but in return, he has to pretend to be the ml's husband. Filled with lots of flirting and bickering moments between the two, and slowly, over time, the line between acting and not acting is unable to be deciphered.
Hi I just read your story and here are my thoughts
- I could visualise the story and its setting. The dialogues between Sage and the nurse is very natural and I like that.
- It is very straightforward and easy to read and I also like the style of writing.
- However, there are some things I wanna address here:
- Although the premise of the plot is promising, the language disrupts my reading experience. It’s not bad but I know you can do so much better.
- [elder woman's arm] change to elderly woman’s arm
- [few minutes more] change to few minutes late
- [His assistant nurse] Don’t capitalise the pronounce ‘his’
- [The look on his face was always just. It was hard to tell if he liked his job or hated it.] incomplete sentence. You can rephrase it as ‘The look on his face was unreadable.’
- [But they think you're a wife.] Change it to ‘So they would think you’re the wife?”
- [No questions, no comments, no nothing] No nothing is just contradictory. Just write it as ‘No questions, no comments, nothing.’
- Okay there are some repeated element like how Sage is a doctor who is handsome and a gentleman. It has been established from the start so there is no need to repeat it in the same writing format. You can imply these through his actions and not directly tell the readers what type of person he is.
- [Rowan had a wider one. His shoulders were wider, his hips were wider, his chestwas wider;] This… pls don’t repeat this again. You can write it as “His shoulders were broad and strong like his hips, his chest was large and muscular (Idk what’s your vision of him this is just an example) that one hug could consume a person’s body. Although he was gentle in nature, his facial features were like carved by the hands of God, and his deep voice alongside his casual movements exude charm in his appearance.’
- [ An uncomfortable silence between them. Uncomfortable wasn't the right word. They weren't comfortable but they weren't uncomfortable. It was more awkward than anything.] I saw the word ‘uncomfortable’ repeated three times. You can rephrase it as ’The silence was deafening. He could feel the stiffness in the air as every sound was echoed in the elevator. Sage looked down and fidgeted, he felt uncomfortable due to the awkwardness but a thought occupied his mind.’
- Okay yea so the storyline is solid, I would 100% continue to read it as a BL reader but the lack of variety in the language made the description of the scenes kinda monotonous and lacklustre. You can use metaphors to write the scene and character, or through the actions to convey the atmosphere instead of using the sentences such as “He was..” “They weren’t…”
- Don’t always start the sentences with the pronouns and explore other ways to express the words in the story.
- Otherwise this is a plot I will fw
OH wait this isn’t the feedback forum. My bad, I appreciate any BL work so pls take my words lightly.
