Kumagawa called, he wants his respecc thread back. Here's your feedback, I honestly gave up partway
I read up to
004 – New World, and then I stopped. Not because I could not read it, but I feel like the writer thought the writing was not incorrigible enough, and proceeded to bash their head against a rock to correct that.
A quick skim through later chapters shows that this is owing to the fact the author simply has no idea what they are doing. (more on that later)
We will start with grammar.
Why? Simple really. Your opening bit is an affront to the English language. While that, I would generally approve of, this is the linguistical equivalent of protestors putting themselves in front of a 100-ton truck in the name of stopping slaughterhouses. That is to say, you are adding to the inbred word factory that is butchered enough as is.
Grammar:
You’re Filipino, right? Then you should be able to understand what I mean when I say I got a nosebleed from reading this.
I have read Machine Translations more coherent, simply owing to the fact they actually had a semblance of structure in their original language!
So, in the same vein, even if you use Grammarly, there is no saving this. The issue runs much, much deeper.
In fact, it would be easier to note down what you did right rather than what you did wrong. But even then, you somehow pull of some quantum-tomfoolery and violate the very concept of duality to do things right AND wrong at the same time. How’s that for omnipotence?
I do not have the time of day to edit for you. So, I asked my fellow AI language model, ChatGPT, to try and at least add patchwork to your sorry excuse you call a synopsis.
It’s still horrible, but at least that’s the skill of the writer talking and not grammatical errors anymore.
Okay, time for the general advice. Let’s disassemble a paragraph from the first chapter
1. PICK A TENSE, YOU IMBECILE. See, in elementary school we were taught of a “past-tense” and “present-tense”. In writing a story, you may only pick one, else your readers will feel as if their heads were put through a washing machine. You cannot have and had a cake at the same time. He picked up some crystal cores, so he got back to the city, not gets back. If you feel like doing present tense, he picks up crystal cores and gets back to the city.
Personally, I would recommend sticking to past-tense since readers and authors are more used to it.
2. PEROIDTS, USE ‘EM. You are not an 18th century writer who can drop a paragraph-long sentence split up using only commas, you simply do not have the elegance for it. So please, after using one conjunction, end the sentence there.
Look, I know you’re not sophisticated to understand what all those mean, but here’s a trick: Read a sentence aloud, if your head starts to hurt, it’s time for a full stop.
3, KNOW YOUR VOCAB. No, I do not mean using fancy words. I just mean you should stop and think what words actually mean. A crater and a deep hole are the same thing; you also used “deep” twice in that sentence, let’s try having some variation, alright? Repetitive flavors get bland.
There’s a lot more, but I suggest you resolve these three issues first before even thinking of anything more complicated. Use that coconut shell of yours, as your English Proficiency teacher probably told you.
1/5, only saving grace is it didn’t actually give me an aneurysm.
Style
Kamelingi, how old are you, really? One time I was tutoring an elementary schooler and he showed me a little short story he made, I think it reads a little better than your prose(lol).
When there’s dialogue, you split things up too much and format things in a way that’s a chore to get through. Like this:
You could have easily fit those on the same line, or if you’re so allergic to grouping up your dialogue tags with your dialogue, at least try not to put the distance of the Pacific Ocean between them!
Speaking of dialogue tags, you will be needing this:
https://thewritepractice.com/dialogue-tags/
(Like, seriously how?! You switch between writing dialogue tags for every sentence and not using them at all.)
I’m a proponent of variety in tagging, so use this too:
https://www.masterclass.com/articles/creative-ways-to-say-said-in-writing
When there’s no dialogue, paragraphs are in stupidly big blocks that contain 15 separate actions, all melding into a confusing cosmic sludge of phrases where you can’t quite make sense of anything. Again, have you tried reading aloud? If your brain melts, assume that of the reader will too.
Finally, the worst offender. You do not know how to transition scenes; in one sentence they’re talking about going to the dungeon, suddenly they’re already there. Then you get tackled from the side with a sudden summoning circle teleporting them to Bephogor, SSS-rank class/rank boss.
At least try to write a brief description of how they got there!
Heck, the slideshow after that was disorienting to read since it took me several seconds to figure out who was even acting.
This was certainly an attempt at writing. 0/5
Character:
Finally, I can take a break from spit roasting you. Not saying you even did a half-decent job, but at least Genzo was mildly interesting.
The way things started out reminded me of Fushi from To Your Eternity. It would’ve been an interesting take about a powerful, hungry giant - similar to Azathoth. Someone idiotic, but all-powerful, figuring out what this being human thing is all about, while simultaneously tearing reality apart at the seams while his companions desperately try to get him to fix things.
Notice how I said would’ve? Yes, because this was all thrown into the incinerator the moment, he “awakened” and became generic OP protagonist #254323
The other characters? They may as well not exist, they’re just a peanut gallery and a way for the author to sate a fanfic boner.
1/5.
Story
I thought this would be one of those stories where a nerd “intellectually” practices onanism by googling random power scaling terms and proclaiming their protagonist is beyond the narrative and resides in the Ergounopiosphererhombus that exists outside of creation, non-creation and all other possible configurations. Refreshingly…
On jove, I can’t believe I’m saying this…
Refreshingly, it appears to be a rather generic power fantasy where the author throws crap at the wall to see what sticks, but scrapes droppings off the floor to add it to the whole mess anyways.
It’s less of a story and more like individual ideas in a trench coat trying to pass off as one, topped with cheesy references like Anyah Forger and straight up just All Fiction from Medaka box.
By chapter 4, these ideas have jubilantly thrown their trench coat off to reveal the unbaked goods for all the world to see.
1/5, Bad, but in the way junk food is. This one must be corn-based though, because I really hate the taste.
Overall Verdict
I was glad that there were no fanfics in my queue, but it seems that I was mistaken. You know how a toddler scribbles with a bunch of crayons just to get their ideas off their head? This is the literary equivalent of it.
Get this mess out of my omnipresence right this omninstant!
Would just wait for the monkey to type out something better in 3,402,193,822,311 years. 0/10
