A throne that's all about fear. A kingdom that thrives in darkness. They called him the Black Monarch—a mysterious guy in high school who ruled like a total tyrant, hiding behind shadows and sly grins. Kaito didn’t swing his fists; he ruled through fear and razor-sharp logic. With...
A throne that's all about fear. A kingdom that thrives in darkness. They called him the Black Monarch—a mysterious guy in high school who ruled like a total tyrant, hiding behind shadows and sly grins. Kaito didn’t swing his fists; he ruled through fear and razor-sharp logic. With...
My Critiques, in the long run they do not mean a thing. That you have written and posted a story at all, is well above many that lurk on here, including me.
The synopsis would make me skip this, under normal circumstances. Not because it is badly written, just not a story that I would be interested in. Feels to much of a pathetic MC that will need lots of plot armor and unrealistic 2D waifus to get anywhere in the story.
And after reading a few pages/chapters, my opinion has not changed, but again that is just my personal preferences, I am sure others would like this type of story.
Now if I did like the idea of the story and was willing to read it past the synopsis. My issue then is that you are not using a grammar or spelling checker to help with writing story. Your story is in need of some serious editing. For some, including me, bad grammar and constant spelling issues would stop me from wanting to continue reading your story. You are after all competing with other storytellers for the readers attention.
First there is so much spacing between lines, it bogs down the flow of your narrative. I started reading it in William Shatners acting voice, to entertain myself.
Ding-a-ling-a-ling! Ding-a-ling-a-ling!
The cheap plastic alarm clock screamed its monotonous song right beside my ear. Groaning
I slammed a hand down on the snooze button.
the silence that followed almost as oppressive as the noise.
Another day.
Another identical Tuesday.
Sunlight, already annoyingly bright, streamed through the gap in my cheap curtains. I dragged myself upright.
The reflection in the bathroom mirror was a familiar sight: messy bedhead, sleep-crusted eyes.
and the general aura of someone already defeated by 7 AM.
Toothpaste foamed as I scrubbed mechanically.
New day, new start… yeah, right.
Feels more like hitting replay on the same dull recording, When does the interesting part actually begin?.
Kaito! Mom's voice,
sharp and practical, cut through the steam from the shower running downstairs.
Breakfast! And don't forget your uniform this time! You'll be late!
Coming! I mumbled around the toothbrush, The words garbled.
A quick glance confirmed the uniform was, miraculously, draped over my desk chair.
Efficiency was key.
T-shirt, boxers, pants—yanked on in a blur.
Uniform jacket snatched, buttons half-done as I thundered down the stairs,
Nearly tripping over the last step.
The smell of toast and cheap coffee hit me as I slid into my chair at the kitchen table.
Ding-a-ling-a-ling! Ding-a-ling-a-ling!
The cheap plastic alarm clock screamed its monotonous song right beside my ear. Groaning I slammed a hand down on the snooze button. the silence that followed almost as oppressive as the noise.
Another day. Another identical Tuesday.
Sunlight, already annoyingly bright, streamed through the gap in my cheap curtains. I dragged myself upright.
The reflection in the bathroom mirror was a familiar sight: messy bedhead, sleep-crusted eyes.
and the general aura of someone already defeated by 7 AM. Toothpaste foamed as I scrubbed mechanically.
New day, new start… yeah, right.
Feels more like hitting replay on the same dull recording, When does the interesting part actually begin?.
Kaito! Mom's voice, sharp and practical, cut through the steam from the shower running downstairs. Breakfast! And don't forget your uniform this time! You'll be late!
Coming! I mumbled around the toothbrush, The words garbled.
A quick glance confirmed the uniform was, miraculously, draped over my desk chair.
Efficiency was key.
T-shirt, boxers, pants—yanked on in a blur.
Uniform jacket snatched, buttons half-done as I thundered down the stairs,
Nearly tripping over the last step.
The smell of toast and cheap coffee hit me as I slid into my chair at the kitchen table.
Poor punctuation and grammar can lower the appearance and flow of your narrative.
You have sentences that are not started with a capital letter or you have large white space between parts of sentences:
The cheap plastic alarm clock screamed its monotonous song right beside my ear. Groaning
I slammed a hand down on the snooze button.
the silence that followed almost as oppressive as the noise.
Another day..
"I" should always be capitalized (Not in any of the above spoiler sections but later on you start missing it).
hello!, thank you for noticing some mistakes and appreciate it very much, i will fix the story spacing and improve the grammar!, it very hard for me because i dont live in US im currently publishing my story on arcadia and syotsu which in there is very much more popular, so i to find some english website and found this i decided to translate it to english and publish it on scribble hub!. thank you for the feedback also.
My Critiques, in the long run they do not mean a thing. That you have written and posted a story at all, is well above many that lurk on here, including me.
The synopsis would make me skip this, under normal circumstances. Not because it is badly written, just not a story that I would be interested in. Feels to much of a pathetic MC that will need lots of plot armor and unrealistic 2D waifus to get anywhere in the story.
And after reading a few pages/chapters, my opinion has not changed, but again that is just my personal preferences, I am sure others would like this type of story.
Now if I did like the idea of the story and was willing to read it past the synopsis. My issue then is that you are not using a grammar or spelling checker to help with writing story. Your story is in need of some serious editing. For some, including me, bad grammar and constant spelling issues would stop me from wanting to continue reading your story. You are after all competing with other storytellers for the readers attention.
First there is so much spacing between lines, it bogs down the flow of your narrative. I started reading it in William Shatners acting voice, to entertain myself.
Ding-a-ling-a-ling! Ding-a-ling-a-ling!
The cheap plastic alarm clock screamed its monotonous song right beside my ear. Groaning
I slammed a hand down on the snooze button.
the silence that followed almost as oppressive as the noise.
Another day.
Another identical Tuesday.
Sunlight, already annoyingly bright, streamed through the gap in my cheap curtains. I dragged myself upright.
The reflection in the bathroom mirror was a familiar sight: messy bedhead, sleep-crusted eyes.
and the general aura of someone already defeated by 7 AM.
Toothpaste foamed as I scrubbed mechanically.
New day, new start… yeah, right.
Feels more like hitting replay on the same dull recording, When does the interesting part actually begin?.
Kaito! Mom's voice,
sharp and practical, cut through the steam from the shower running downstairs.
Breakfast! And don't forget your uniform this time! You'll be late!
Coming! I mumbled around the toothbrush, The words garbled.
A quick glance confirmed the uniform was, miraculously, draped over my desk chair.
Efficiency was key.
T-shirt, boxers, pants—yanked on in a blur.
Uniform jacket snatched, buttons half-done as I thundered down the stairs,
Nearly tripping over the last step.
The smell of toast and cheap coffee hit me as I slid into my chair at the kitchen table.
Ding-a-ling-a-ling! Ding-a-ling-a-ling!
The cheap plastic alarm clock screamed its monotonous song right beside my ear. Groaning I slammed a hand down on the snooze button. the silence that followed almost as oppressive as the noise.
Another day. Another identical Tuesday.
Sunlight, already annoyingly bright, streamed through the gap in my cheap curtains. I dragged myself upright.
The reflection in the bathroom mirror was a familiar sight: messy bedhead, sleep-crusted eyes.
and the general aura of someone already defeated by 7 AM. Toothpaste foamed as I scrubbed mechanically.
New day, new start… yeah, right.
Feels more like hitting replay on the same dull recording, When does the interesting part actually begin?.
Kaito! Mom's voice, sharp and practical, cut through the steam from the shower running downstairs. Breakfast! And don't forget your uniform this time! You'll be late!
Coming! I mumbled around the toothbrush, The words garbled.
A quick glance confirmed the uniform was, miraculously, draped over my desk chair.
Efficiency was key.
T-shirt, boxers, pants—yanked on in a blur.
Uniform jacket snatched, buttons half-done as I thundered down the stairs,
Nearly tripping over the last step.
The smell of toast and cheap coffee hit me as I slid into my chair at the kitchen table.
Poor punctuation and grammar can lower the appearance and flow of your narrative.
You have sentences that are not started with a capital letter or you have large white space between parts of sentences:
The cheap plastic alarm clock screamed its monotonous song right beside my ear. Groaning
I slammed a hand down on the snooze button.
the silence that followed almost as oppressive as the noise.
Another day..
"I" should always be capitalized (Not in any of the above spoiler sections but later on you start missing it).
and hahaha!, i kinda understand why you dont like how the mc is written. he will be more stronger in later 46 chapters which might take a while to translate ?
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