Need some help with synopsis

[Anon_Y_Mousse]

I would have posted this into the 'rate synopsis' thread but I feel like that thread has been dead for a while.
Been planning on making a little side project for fun, it's gonna be a little bit of a meta comedy. So here's my synopsis

Spoiler: The synopsis

Zheng Tianwei is a newly ascended god. Unluckily for him, a whole lot of power comes with a whole lot of boredom, and so, for an untold amount of time he secluded himself in his abode doing pointless activities.

On one fateful day, he decided to get ‘in’ with the new trend:

World Creation.

In the heaven realm, there were gods that sought to regain their lost humanity and once again experience the imperfections of mortals, he was one of them.

As an Imperfect mortal, Zheng Tianwei naturally has to rely on his friends, who were complete degenerates. It should be fine to take their advice since their worlds were popular… right?

“What do you mean I should turn myself into a cute goddess?!”

Their advice was a bit absurd at times, but one has to be open-minded to learn.

“Aigh, fine, I’ll listen, I’ll listen, it’s not like I’m doing this for you or a-anything baka!! Hehe, by that look on your face I nailed the 'tsundere' act, didn't I?”

Creating a world was an easy task, but to squeeze something interesting out of one? One must carefully set the stage, identify a prime subject, perform a little bit of divine interference and hope for the best.

“I guess I’ll have to pose for the cover... I would ask to get paid but I don’t need money.”

Genres: Fantasy, Isekai, Gender Bender, Slice of Life, Comedy. Romance

I've edited it now, but I'm still open for improvements

 

[Cipiteca396]

Zheng Tianwei was a newly ascended god. Unluckily for him, a whole lot of power comes with a whole lot of boredom. And so, for an untold amount of time, he secluded himself in his abode doing pointless activities.

On one fateful day, he decided to get ‘in’ with the new trend:

World Creation.

The problem was, he knew jack shit about it, so he decided to call his friends who were hopeless degenerates, but their worlds were pretty popular… so he should listen to them, right? ! This line needs reworking. The meaning is clear, but the flow is off. A run-on sentence.

“What do you mean I should turn myself into a cute goddess?!” “A harem is too unrealistic! You hook up with like three women every century!” “You wish to ogle me? Well feast your eyes on this attack helicopter!” “Aigh, fine, I’ll listen, I’ll listen, it’s not like I’m doing this for you or a-anything baka!! So is that how this ‘tsundere’ thing is supposed to act?” “Pose for the cover!!” “I would ask to get paid but I don’t need money…” This is... Okay? It kinda drags on a bit, and it doesn't say anything, but it's relatively funny.

It’s time to set the board, make a plot, identify the tropes and buckle up because we are in for one hell of a wild ride. Set the board is a chess reference, and buckle up for a wild ride is an entirely different metaphor. Obviously you also have the plot and tropes as a writing reference. That's three separate 'things' happening all in one sentence. Too much. You could try making it all writing metaphors(a little too meta, despite that being the point), or pick and choose a metaphor you want to stick with.

Genres: Fantasy, Isekai, Gender Bender, Slice of Life, Comedy. Romance

Mine input is in red. ^

 

[Anon_Y_Mousse]

Mine input is in red. ^

Thanks, already been working on cutting down the third part, the goal was to establish the MC's personality and the general premise, there are many references here to the cover but I'm not done making it yet. Fourth part needs some whole new lines tbh, it's all over the place. Shouldn't have reworked it with a terrible headache. The board was referencing a game board, not just chess.

 

[Muddy]

Yes, the poor old rate synopsis thread that I've invested so much in is kind of dead. To be honest, writing my own novel has left me with little time for the crits I used to give out. Buuuut... let me try anyway.

The first three parts, up to and including 'world creation' are fine, if a bit bland. Then it goes off the rails.

"knew jack shit", "set the board", "buckle up", "one hell of a wild ride". What is this idiom poop? Is this a gotta-catch-em-all minigame? Either use one idiom, and build a metaphor out of it, like Cipiteca396 suggested, or avoid all idioms like the plague. Idioms are used to get a beaten to death concept across quickly. By showering them all over your synopsis you give exactly the opposite impression of what you want to achieve with a synopsis: this novel is based on generic, overused, beaten to death concepts.

The quote deluge that follows might not be as funny as you think it is. It took me all of two quotes to realize that this wasn't going to tell me anything meaningful about the contents of your novel and so I felt a compulsion to skip the rest of the paragraph. That's a terrible impression for a part of a synopsis to leave. I people feel an urge to skip parts of your synopsis, then you can probably guess what they're going to do with the novel itself.

Plus, with comedy in a synopsis, you either want to absolutely nail it, or avoid it altogether. It's hard to nail comedy, because everyone's perception of what is funny is different, especially with an international audience. You did not nail it. As a result, you left me with the impression that you think you're hilarious, while in actuality you're rehashing old, tired anime tropes and jokes. If that feeling of a rehash is what you're going for, then great. Though even then you should answer a question: why should readers favor your rehash over original jokes?

Beyond these nits, you don't really tell me much at all about your novel. In fact, the only thing that hooked me was "world creation", but you then tell me nothing about how that is going to work. This prompts me to toss in my by now standard bits of advice:

• You have not given me a decent impression of your protagonist. No, the random sound bytes do not count. Who is this guy, and why should I care for his plight?
• You have not told me anything about the MC's goal, or the obstacles he'll need to overcome. It's those things that define the plot, and right now you've only hinted at the premise in your synopsis. The difference between premise and plot is simple: plot means you know where you're going, provides the confidence to your readers that you won't give up after five chapters, and hints at the promise of a satisfactory ending instead of a sudden hiatus.

Let me close with a question that will hopefully help you shore up some of the shortcomings: what information and hooks does your synopsis provide that your genre and tags do not?

 

[Anon_Y_Mousse]

Yes, the poor old rate synopsis thread that I've invested so much in is kind of dead. To be honest, writing my own novel has left me with little time for the crits I used to give out. Buuuut... let me try anyway.

The first three parts, up to and including 'world creation' are fine, if a bit bland. Then it goes off the rails.

"knew jack shit", "set the board", "buckle up", "one hell of a wild ride". What is this idiom poop? Is this a gotta-catch-em-all minigame? Either use one idiom, and build a metaphor out of it, like Cipiteca396 suggested, or avoid all idioms like the plague. Idioms are used to get a beaten to death concept across quickly. By showering them all over your synopsis you give exactly the opposite impression of what you want to achieve with a synopsis: this novel is based on generic, overused, beaten to death concepts.

The quote deluge that follows might not be as funny as you think it is. It took me all of two quotes to realize that this wasn't going to tell me anything meaningful about the contents of your novel and so I felt a compulsion to skip the rest of the paragraph. That's a terrible impression for a part of a synopsis to leave. I people feel an urge to skip parts of your synopsis, then you can probably guess what they're going to do with the novel itself.

Plus, with comedy in a synopsis, you either want to absolutely nail it, or avoid it altogether. It's hard to nail comedy, because everyone's perception of what is funny is different, especially with an international audience. You did not nail it. As a result, you left me with the impression that you think you're hilarious, while in actuality you're rehashing old, tired anime tropes and jokes. If that feeling of a rehash is what you're going for, then great. Though even then you should answer a question: why should readers favor your rehash over original jokes?

Beyond these nits, you don't really tell me much at all about your novel. In fact, the only thing that hooked me was "world creation", but you then tell me nothing about how that is going to work. This prompts me to toss in my by now standard bits of advice:

• You have not given me a decent impression of your protagonist. No, the random sound bytes do not count. Who is this guy, and why should I care for his plight?
• You have not told me anything about the MC's goal, or the obstacles he'll need to overcome. It's those things that define the plot, and right now you've only hinted at the premise in your synopsis. The difference between premise and plot is simple: plot means you know where you're going, provides the confidence to your readers that you won't give up after five chapters, and hints at the promise of a satisfactory ending instead of a sudden hiatus.

Let me close with a question that will hopefully help you shore up some of the shortcomings: what information and hooks does your synopsis provide that your genre and tags do not?

Hmm, well the novel is supposed to be generic as hell. It's supposed to have terrible, rehashed tropes that are beaten to death. The novel is sort of a satirical piece with an MC that reads like a terrible author. However, you are extremely correct about everything after world creation reading absolutely terrible. I do not know what I was doing with that quote deluge and all those idioms. Now that my terrible headache is gone it's time to rewrite.

Spoiler: Rewritten synopsis

Zheng Tianwei is a newly ascended god. Unluckily for him, a whole lot of power comes with a whole lot of boredom, and so, for an untold amount of time he secluded himself in his abode doing pointless activities.

On one fateful day, he decided to get ‘in’ with the new trend:

World Creation.

In the heaven realm, there were gods that seek to regain their lost humanity and once again experience the imperfections of mortals, he was one of them.

As an Imperfect mortal, Zheng Tianwei naturally has to rely on his friends, who were complete degenerates. It should be fine to take their advice since their worlds were popular… right?

“What do you mean I should turn myself into a cute goddess?!”

Their advice was a bit absurd at times, but one has to be open-minded to learn.

“Aigh, fine, I’ll listen, I’ll listen, it’s not like I’m doing this for you or a-anything baka!! So is that how this ‘tsundere’ thing is supposed to act?”

Creating a world was an easy task, but to squeeze something interesting out of one? One must carefully set the stage, identify a prime subject, perform a little bit of divine interference and hope for the best.

“I guess I’ll have to pose for the cover... I would ask to get paid but I don’t need money.”

 

[SakeVision]

Hmm, well the novel is supposed to be generic as hell. It's supposed to have terrible, rehashed tropes that are beaten to death. The novel is sort of a satirical piece with an MC that reads like a terrible author. However, you are extremely correct about everything after world creation reading absolutely terrible. I do not know what I was doing with that quote deluge and all those idioms. Now that my terrible headache is gone it's time to rewrite.

In that case, you did everything right; however, you might wanna state exactly what you wrote in the quote in the novel synopsis, just to be absolutely clear you are doing it on purpose

 

[Anon_Y_Mousse]

In that case, you did everything right; however, you might wanna state exactly what you wrote in the quote in the novel synopsis, just to be absolutely clear you are doing it on purpose

Well, you posted this right as I edited it... so may wanna check that out? I think adding the satire tag would explain that well enough. My target audience are those who read, uhm, less than average quality webnovels on scribblehub and not veterans who have more refined tastes, so I do wish to appeal to them.

 

[Cipiteca396]

In the heaven realm, there were gods that seek to regain their lost humanity and once again experience the imperfections of mortals, he was one of them.

Sought would be past tense of seek. Period instead of a coma between mortality and He was one of them.

“Aigh, fine, I’ll listen, I’ll listen, it’s not like I’m doing this for you or a-anything baka!! So is that how this ‘tsundere’ thing is supposed to act?”

If that second line is surprise, it might be better as 'Oh! Is that how this 'tsundere' thing is supposed to go?' It's just semantics though.

---

It's not perfect, but it's a lot better. Just keep in mind that saying it's satire won't automatically make dumb tropes and dead memes funny. You'll actually have to work to make it so. GLGL

 

[Anon_Y_Mousse]

Sought would be past tense of seek.

If that second line is surprise, it might be better as 'Oh! Is that how this 'tsundere' thing is supposed to go?' It's just semantics though.

---

It's not perfect, but it's a lot better. Just keep in mind that saying it's satire won't automatically make dumb tropes and dead memes funny. You'll actually have to work to make it so.

I know, one of the lessons I want to integrate into the novel is that acknowledging a bad trope doesn't make it any better. Just in case you didn't know, the story is sort of a writing guide aimed at a newbie author( not exclusively), written in a way that isn't professional and is somewhat easy to digest, definitely not gonna be advice that would be as good as a dedicated guide though. Might as well pick up a lesson or two while reading a shitty JP-style novel.