Honestly, I don't see any significant differences between the 3 versions of this chapter. All chapters have a similar characteristic, the "
guide narrator" where the narrator tries to explain the plot and its interpretation. This slows down the pacing because the flow of narrative time stops just to explain "what is happening or what the character is feeling?"
If you want a smoother flow and faster pacing, you need to consider replacing the narrator's voice with atmosphere, action, body language, symbolism... let the character interact with the world and leave the interpretation to the reader. In addition, I still see this chapter lacking in narrative structure:
(1)
Flat atmosphere, at the beginning of the chapter, there is not enough atmosphere through context and symbolism to build the mood of the story. The narrative immediately jumps to what the character is experiencing (sleeping). This makes the atmosphere flat.
You can consider describing the room's atmosphere briefly (what the room is like, what the room's decoration is like, what the bed looks like) at the beginning of the chapter to build a vibe for the reader.
(2)
Abstract character visualization at the beginning. The narrative immediately jumps to the character's name in the chapter introduction. As a result, new readers have difficulty visualizing the character. Who is he? How does it look? I thought the character visualization was given in the previous chapters.
But consider this... new readers to web novels can come from any chapter. For new readers (who are not familiar with the characters), using the character's name for the introduction at the beginning of the chapter makes the character seem abstract.
Instead of starting with the character's name... start the character introduction with one to three characteristics of the character. For example, instead of showing this character's name "Esther"... you could start the character introduction by showing:
A blonde girl sleeping on a silk bed. Her pink pajamas glisten in the lamplight.
This way, new readers can perceive your character more clearly.
(3)
Abrupt transitions. The scene between the bedroom and the dining room seems abrupt. The narrative is only separated by *** symbol. This can break the reader's immersion. You might consider writing a smoother transition through symbolism or a summary of the activity. For example:
(After the scene in front of the mirror) The blonde-haired girl immediately tidied up her bed, cleaned herself, changed her clothes. A few moments later... she turned the doorknob of her room. Her red dress sparkled as she walked towards the dining room. (continue to the dining room scene).
(4)
The narrative still lacks context of space and time and spatial clues. The narrative does not provide enough clues about the relative positions of the characters in the room. So the visualization of the scene is blurry. You can consider describing the layout and position of the characters.
Where is the MC sitting in the dining room? What are the positions of the other characters? What dishes does the MC see as far as the eye can see? This way, your narrative visualization will change from 2D to 3D. For example:
The blonde-haired girl sat at the dining table. Roast chicken, orange juice and apples were served on the dining table. "Esther..." a soft voice called her. She looked up. A black-haired young man smiled, sitting across the dining table.
(5)
The plot still uses descriptive narration. The narration needs to explain events and objects so it slows down the pacing. You can consider changing the descriptive narration to a
cinematic action narrative. The description follows the action. Slip the description into the action. So, the pacing becomes relatively faster.
It's my feedback. I hope it helps (or maybe not).
Regards.
Critical Note:
My assessment may be biased. It's possible that the writing style with a guiding narrator may be your artistic choice.
If so, you can ignore my feedback. You know your own story better than I, a casual reader who happened to pass by and comment.
Edit:
My perception is completely biased. Two scenes are still in the bedroom. The narrative shows the meal scene using a short, abrupt flashback.
That's not good. My perception as a reader is distorted.
Causal readers tend to follow linear, progressive plots. If you want to include a flashback, you need to provide a smoother time transition.
no worries, the link works as intended now.