A_veil_of_red_ink
Member
- Joined
- May 21, 2025
- Messages
- 91
- Points
- 18
So, I made a thread before, but this time I have two problems like before: I didn't know how to write fights that engage the reader, and I think I'm a little better. I don't know.
My main problem is sensory details—anchors that help the reader visualize where the action is happening, like an arena or surroundings. And character inner thoughts and stuff... though I'm better than before.
Sigh...
Before the changes-
After the first thread-
So, I don't want to lose the tension but want to ground readers to know where, what, and when... sigh, okay. If you have any suggestions or advice, please help me. This forum changed my writing completely, and I know it'll again...
Thank you.
Edit - In spoilers, the gap between paragraphs is big, and I can't do anything about it... sorry.
My main problem is sensory details—anchors that help the reader visualize where the action is happening, like an arena or surroundings. And character inner thoughts and stuff... though I'm better than before.
Sigh...
Before the changes-
"You smell like blood, immortal killer, like in the war." A smile spread across Kashan's face as he slowly turned his head toward the voice that came.
He saw a man in black standing in front of him, with two guns and a blue vein on the firearms, grinning.
"It's been a while, isn't it, Arkam?" leaning towards the long table between two men.
"It is, Kashan. Been almost 10 years or more." He holstered the guns and deactivated his GEAR.
Kashan analysed Arkam's appearance, narrowing his eyes.
"So, the rumours were true, you were captured by Empire 'B', and then adopted by Rond Dre Marqus." he tilted his head, and slowly stepped towards Arkam.
"Yeah, that's the summary of it." A composed and cold gaze followed Kashan's movement, as Arkam wiped the dripping blood from his face.
Kashan was almost 10 steps away from Arkam.
"You're still making a mess, huh. After all, a beast can't forget to hunt, and you're the most vicious I have known."
Arkam narrowed his eyes,
Bang, he shot.
Kashan ducked and pulled his gun.
Arkam took one step forward—
—and vanished.
Kashan's gaze searched for Arkam.
Arkam reappeared behind Kashan, his eyes wide open.
Arkam punched him in the ribs. He flew.
—crashing into a wall.
He stood up, gasping for air, "Son of a bitch," he thought.
Kashan glanced around, but no one was there.
He looked at the entrance to the room beyond, filled with many crates.
Arkam stood at the far end, bathed in red light.
He raised his right hand—
and curled a finger.
A silent command: "Come."
Kashan clenched his jaw, then grinned. He tightened his grip on the guns.
He headed toward Arkam, exiting the room he was in.
Six pillars stood in the room, with Arkam in the middle of them.
When the light flickered—
He vanished again.
But Kashan, still and calm, stood.
Arkam lunged from the side—
Kashan ducked and hit Arkam with the gun's butt.
Arkam recoiled, his nose bleeding.
He pulled his knives out and lunged toward Kashan again.
Kashan leveled his guns at Arkam—
shooting at him.
Arkam dodged the bullets and leaned left—
slicing empty air. Kashan tilted to the right and dodged.
Arkam's face wrinkled furiously. " fuck… how is he so fast?" he thought.
Kashan aimed his gun at point-blank range at Arkam's face.
Bang—
The bullet ricocheted off the wall as Arkam leaned his head to the left of the gun.
Arkam pushed him.
Both stepped back, almost six steps apart. Arkam licked the blood that dripped from his nose.
A grin spread on both faces. Arkam activated GEAR, which surged through his arm, coursing through the knives, making them bigger—
Almost eight-inch machetes.
"Ohh, if you're not going to play fair, then," Kashan said.
Two arm attachments, black, matted GEAR enveloped his coat, covered his back, and went toward his shoulders, transforming, attaching the hinges to his shoulders.
Nano-tech coursed through the shoulders, and the other hinge connected to his elbow.
It covered his forearm and created a gauntlet to cover his fist—
The green tint glowed, and a vein surged with energy.
Arakm's eyes were wide open, clutching his jaw. "… how the fuck do you have a… GEAR?"
Kashan, with a wide grin, said, "You should know, you're an imperial police, right?" As the guns got bigger, with a green vein on them.
Arkam's nose wrinkled while narrowing his eyes—
"A month ago, there was an 'incident' on a military ship in the 'B' Empire sector. So, it was you."
Kashan was still smiling.
Bang-bang—
He shot kinetic energy bullets at Arkam.
Arkam lunged at Kashan while dodging bullets.
He cut one bullet and sliced Kashan—
Kashan dodged, a few inches from his eyes.
Kashan reversed his grip, using the handle end of the gun to strike.
Blocked it with his hand, GEAR absorbed the force—
Arkam sliced with the machete GEAR—
Pairing with the gun, Bang.
Arkam sliced it with the machete as Kashan rapidly fired.
Both unscathed, no one backed down. They glanced at each other—
"Why are you holding back, Arkam?" Kashan's grip was tight on the guns.
"Huh, what are you talking about? I am at my best—
"Don't fuck around Arkam, you know what I'm talking about" Kashan interrupted Arkam.
"You mean the hollow eyes. Well, I don't need them." Arkam was blanketed in the red light.
"What do you mean by you don't need them? Are you suggesting you can defeat me without them?" Kashan was rubbing where Arkam punched him.
"No, I'm done with them; they reminded me of the war and my crimes." Arkam gazed at Kashan while walking clockwise.
Kashan's slow, cold gaze followed his movement, and then he also started walking clockwise, opposite to Arkam
"Well, that is a waste, if you were old Arkam—
You would have killed him, but I am not the same now; I have made my preparation, too."
Kashan, holstering his one gun, held a crate close to him. Throwing it at Arkam, he sliced the crate in half.
Kashan, just behind the half-cut crate, lunged at him—
Arkam's calm and insane reflex blocked Kashan—
He punched Kashan in the gut.
"Oh yeah, this was your preparation, you dump fuck." Arkam smiled.
"…urgh shu…t up, you motherfucker." As Kashan gasped for air.
Arkam felt a piercing pain in his chest— a knife.
His gaze went downward—
A small combat knife punctured his chest.
He saw a man in black standing in front of him, with two guns and a blue vein on the firearms, grinning.
"It's been a while, isn't it, Arkam?" leaning towards the long table between two men.
"It is, Kashan. Been almost 10 years or more." He holstered the guns and deactivated his GEAR.
Kashan analysed Arkam's appearance, narrowing his eyes.
"So, the rumours were true, you were captured by Empire 'B', and then adopted by Rond Dre Marqus." he tilted his head, and slowly stepped towards Arkam.
"Yeah, that's the summary of it." A composed and cold gaze followed Kashan's movement, as Arkam wiped the dripping blood from his face.
Kashan was almost 10 steps away from Arkam.
"You're still making a mess, huh. After all, a beast can't forget to hunt, and you're the most vicious I have known."
Arkam narrowed his eyes,
Bang, he shot.
Kashan ducked and pulled his gun.
Arkam took one step forward—
—and vanished.
Kashan's gaze searched for Arkam.
Arkam reappeared behind Kashan, his eyes wide open.
Arkam punched him in the ribs. He flew.
—crashing into a wall.
He stood up, gasping for air, "Son of a bitch," he thought.
Kashan glanced around, but no one was there.
He looked at the entrance to the room beyond, filled with many crates.
Arkam stood at the far end, bathed in red light.
He raised his right hand—
and curled a finger.
A silent command: "Come."
Kashan clenched his jaw, then grinned. He tightened his grip on the guns.
He headed toward Arkam, exiting the room he was in.
Six pillars stood in the room, with Arkam in the middle of them.
When the light flickered—
He vanished again.
But Kashan, still and calm, stood.
Arkam lunged from the side—
Kashan ducked and hit Arkam with the gun's butt.
Arkam recoiled, his nose bleeding.
He pulled his knives out and lunged toward Kashan again.
Kashan leveled his guns at Arkam—
shooting at him.
Arkam dodged the bullets and leaned left—
slicing empty air. Kashan tilted to the right and dodged.
Arkam's face wrinkled furiously. " fuck… how is he so fast?" he thought.
Kashan aimed his gun at point-blank range at Arkam's face.
Bang—
The bullet ricocheted off the wall as Arkam leaned his head to the left of the gun.
Arkam pushed him.
Both stepped back, almost six steps apart. Arkam licked the blood that dripped from his nose.
A grin spread on both faces. Arkam activated GEAR, which surged through his arm, coursing through the knives, making them bigger—
Almost eight-inch machetes.
"Ohh, if you're not going to play fair, then," Kashan said.
Two arm attachments, black, matted GEAR enveloped his coat, covered his back, and went toward his shoulders, transforming, attaching the hinges to his shoulders.
Nano-tech coursed through the shoulders, and the other hinge connected to his elbow.
It covered his forearm and created a gauntlet to cover his fist—
The green tint glowed, and a vein surged with energy.
Arakm's eyes were wide open, clutching his jaw. "… how the fuck do you have a… GEAR?"
Kashan, with a wide grin, said, "You should know, you're an imperial police, right?" As the guns got bigger, with a green vein on them.
Arkam's nose wrinkled while narrowing his eyes—
"A month ago, there was an 'incident' on a military ship in the 'B' Empire sector. So, it was you."
Kashan was still smiling.
Bang-bang—
He shot kinetic energy bullets at Arkam.
Arkam lunged at Kashan while dodging bullets.
He cut one bullet and sliced Kashan—
Kashan dodged, a few inches from his eyes.
Kashan reversed his grip, using the handle end of the gun to strike.
Blocked it with his hand, GEAR absorbed the force—
Arkam sliced with the machete GEAR—
Pairing with the gun, Bang.
Arkam sliced it with the machete as Kashan rapidly fired.
Both unscathed, no one backed down. They glanced at each other—
"Why are you holding back, Arkam?" Kashan's grip was tight on the guns.
"Huh, what are you talking about? I am at my best—
"Don't fuck around Arkam, you know what I'm talking about" Kashan interrupted Arkam.
"You mean the hollow eyes. Well, I don't need them." Arkam was blanketed in the red light.
"What do you mean by you don't need them? Are you suggesting you can defeat me without them?" Kashan was rubbing where Arkam punched him.
"No, I'm done with them; they reminded me of the war and my crimes." Arkam gazed at Kashan while walking clockwise.
Kashan's slow, cold gaze followed his movement, and then he also started walking clockwise, opposite to Arkam
"Well, that is a waste, if you were old Arkam—
You would have killed him, but I am not the same now; I have made my preparation, too."
Kashan, holstering his one gun, held a crate close to him. Throwing it at Arkam, he sliced the crate in half.
Kashan, just behind the half-cut crate, lunged at him—
Arkam's calm and insane reflex blocked Kashan—
He punched Kashan in the gut.
"Oh yeah, this was your preparation, you dump fuck." Arkam smiled.
"…urgh shu…t up, you motherfucker." As Kashan gasped for air.
Arkam felt a piercing pain in his chest— a knife.
His gaze went downward—
A small combat knife punctured his chest.
After the first thread-
Arkam staggered back, kneeling on one knee. Looking down, the small combat knife was in his chest below the collarbone.
His hands trembled, vision fading. His head whirled as if a bat had struck him hard. 'Argh... when he threw the crate at me and lunged behind it—not to strike, but for the swift hand movement to drive the knife into me. Damn.' His lips curled into a grin.
"Damn Devil." Arkam's finger curled around the knife, pulling it out. Blood gushed like water, soaking into the coat.
Looking at Kashan, who moaned in pain. Kashan rubbed the area where Arkam punched, his ribs possibly broken.
The red light flickered, with both of them standing in the middle of the chamber. Surrounded by the crates and six pillars. "Did you use a neurotoxin on the knife?" Arkam strengthened his legs, standing straight. He glared at the knife, which had a dark greenish and crimson tint to it.
Kashan stared at him, nodding. "Yes, I did."
Arkam smirked. "In the day of Neno, weapons and kinetic cybernetics. You still use poison? Shame on you."
Kashan frowned, then he grinned. "Yeah, well, in the war—you killed children, butchered women, and slaughtered men. In the name of order. Shame on you... immortal killer."
Arkam's eyes twitched, veins bulged from the temples, the heart pounded, and the toxin numbed the hands. "Yes, I killed many, and it still lingers in memories…" Arkam frowned. "...But you are the devil, who does anything for results." He clutched his jaw; his grip tightened on the knife.
Kashan chuckled. He looked at the crimson light that flickered above. "Arkam, war taught me many things, but the thing I can't forget is my inability. You or any other superhuman can be great at anything—fighting, survival, or fucking slaughter..."
A small grin spread on his face, while sorrow sank into his heart. "...but any 'normal' person has to do more to survive with you all around in a war—that's why I became 'this'."
Arkam's face wrinkled, eyes twitching as he said in a faint voice. "Using living children and dead bodies as bombs, just to clear the gap between 'us'."
Kashan's eyes came down, staring at Arkam. "Yes," he mumbled with a blank face and an icy voice.
Putting the knife in his holster, Arkam drew the black matted guns, pointing at Kashan. The sirens rang loud as the red light flickered multiple times. Arkam's eyes blurred; now his limbs numbed. Arkam felt a sensation from his nose—blood came out of the right nostril.
Kashan smirked, "Stop, surrender. The toxin is already working, Arkam; I have the antidote." He extended his arm towards Arkam.
Arkam took a step—then another. He rushed toward Kashan slower than before.
Kashan's eyes narrowed. 'I can follow his movements. Well, time to finish this.' Stepping back, he chuckled while pulling his guns. The guns surged with greenish veins.
Bang—he shot; the bullets with a greenish tint crossed the chamber, rushing at Arkam.
Arkam holstered the gun, drew a knife, and let the GEAR surge—expanding into an eight-inch machete.
Rushing at him, Arkam jumped—almost twenty feet—above Kashan. Bang—Arkam shot three times, catching Kashan off guard.
Kashan, slow to react, shielded his face with arms adorned in GEAR. Two bullets struck, failing to breach his guard, but the last found its mark. Slicing through the gap and piercing his right shoulder and bursting a second later, in a spray of blood and shredding flesh. 'Damn psycho… how can he even move? Is the poison even affecting him?'
Arkam landed behind, three feet away from Kashan—who grabbed his shoulder. He closed the distance, only one step away.
Kashan's eyes narrowed. 'Tsk… the machetes were just a show; he pulled the trigger from the other hand at the last second.' Kashan clenched his jaw. 'Wait—GEAR! He's using it as an exoskeleton to move, but it might overheat, and Arkam knows it.' He leaped behind, gaining some distance from Arkam.
Arkam ducked and punched Kashan in the chin—
Kashan recoiled, his vision blurred for a second. 'What? Even though the toxin slows him, he maneuvers like that? I underestimated him.' Kashan tensed his leg, throwing a sidekick at his temple.
Arkam stepped back; he blacked out from the sharp pain, 'The hell? How did he return a kick so fast?'
Kashan charged at him, tackling him and slamming him against the pillar directly behind Arkam. The pillar cracked, rubble spread, and dust covered the area like mist.
Arkam spat blood, coughing a bit. He dropped to the ground. His face was against the ground.
He lay motionless, the cold sensation on his face from the concrete. Memories surfaced in his mind, like many shattered glass pieces. The smell of gunpowder and blood pulled him into a memory...
...Arkam sat on the ground, supported by a chilly wall.
The area stank of blood and sweat. Many voices whispered, slowly getting louder. Under the dim bunker with captives—women, children, and important men, tied hand and foot. They begged for freedom.
From the chamber next to his, sounds of women came—they moaned. The soldier assaulted women captives while children saw the scene.
A rifle rested in his hand, and he sat away from the voices. Having dark circles under his eyes, rough lips, and messy hair, he observed the scene.
Arkam stood up and dusted off his combat suit. 'Sigh, never letting me rest.' He drifted towards the exit.
He squinted his eyes as the rays from above blinded him. Covering his face as his gaze drifted towards a tree. The tree, tall and withered, with only branches that didn't hang fruit, but humans.
The bloody pool at the bottom. The smell of rotten flesh and blood came from it, as many crows ate at a boy's body hanging on it.
He marched towards it, sitting under it. He closed his eyes—a silence that felt unreal, not ominous, but a rest.
Then, a voice hummed from above.
What is that? Arkam stood up as he looked around. Getting closer to the voice, he narrowed his eyes. A young man sat on the branch cleaning his carbon-matted gun while humming a tune—'Melody, in a war?'
The man saw Arkam. He dropped down, standing opposite Arkam. "You are Arkam, right?" Extending his right arm to Arkam, "I'm Kashan, and I'm the commander of the squad inside the bunker," he said, grinning.
Arkam shook the hand. "I'm Arkam, the new vice commander," he replied without any expression.
A sly grin spread on Kashan's face. "Nice."
His hands trembled, vision fading. His head whirled as if a bat had struck him hard. 'Argh... when he threw the crate at me and lunged behind it—not to strike, but for the swift hand movement to drive the knife into me. Damn.' His lips curled into a grin.
"Damn Devil." Arkam's finger curled around the knife, pulling it out. Blood gushed like water, soaking into the coat.
Looking at Kashan, who moaned in pain. Kashan rubbed the area where Arkam punched, his ribs possibly broken.
The red light flickered, with both of them standing in the middle of the chamber. Surrounded by the crates and six pillars. "Did you use a neurotoxin on the knife?" Arkam strengthened his legs, standing straight. He glared at the knife, which had a dark greenish and crimson tint to it.
Kashan stared at him, nodding. "Yes, I did."
Arkam smirked. "In the day of Neno, weapons and kinetic cybernetics. You still use poison? Shame on you."
Kashan frowned, then he grinned. "Yeah, well, in the war—you killed children, butchered women, and slaughtered men. In the name of order. Shame on you... immortal killer."
Arkam's eyes twitched, veins bulged from the temples, the heart pounded, and the toxin numbed the hands. "Yes, I killed many, and it still lingers in memories…" Arkam frowned. "...But you are the devil, who does anything for results." He clutched his jaw; his grip tightened on the knife.
Kashan chuckled. He looked at the crimson light that flickered above. "Arkam, war taught me many things, but the thing I can't forget is my inability. You or any other superhuman can be great at anything—fighting, survival, or fucking slaughter..."
A small grin spread on his face, while sorrow sank into his heart. "...but any 'normal' person has to do more to survive with you all around in a war—that's why I became 'this'."
Arkam's face wrinkled, eyes twitching as he said in a faint voice. "Using living children and dead bodies as bombs, just to clear the gap between 'us'."
Kashan's eyes came down, staring at Arkam. "Yes," he mumbled with a blank face and an icy voice.
Putting the knife in his holster, Arkam drew the black matted guns, pointing at Kashan. The sirens rang loud as the red light flickered multiple times. Arkam's eyes blurred; now his limbs numbed. Arkam felt a sensation from his nose—blood came out of the right nostril.
Kashan smirked, "Stop, surrender. The toxin is already working, Arkam; I have the antidote." He extended his arm towards Arkam.
Arkam took a step—then another. He rushed toward Kashan slower than before.
Kashan's eyes narrowed. 'I can follow his movements. Well, time to finish this.' Stepping back, he chuckled while pulling his guns. The guns surged with greenish veins.
Bang—he shot; the bullets with a greenish tint crossed the chamber, rushing at Arkam.
Arkam holstered the gun, drew a knife, and let the GEAR surge—expanding into an eight-inch machete.
Rushing at him, Arkam jumped—almost twenty feet—above Kashan. Bang—Arkam shot three times, catching Kashan off guard.
Kashan, slow to react, shielded his face with arms adorned in GEAR. Two bullets struck, failing to breach his guard, but the last found its mark. Slicing through the gap and piercing his right shoulder and bursting a second later, in a spray of blood and shredding flesh. 'Damn psycho… how can he even move? Is the poison even affecting him?'
Arkam landed behind, three feet away from Kashan—who grabbed his shoulder. He closed the distance, only one step away.
Kashan's eyes narrowed. 'Tsk… the machetes were just a show; he pulled the trigger from the other hand at the last second.' Kashan clenched his jaw. 'Wait—GEAR! He's using it as an exoskeleton to move, but it might overheat, and Arkam knows it.' He leaped behind, gaining some distance from Arkam.
Arkam ducked and punched Kashan in the chin—
Kashan recoiled, his vision blurred for a second. 'What? Even though the toxin slows him, he maneuvers like that? I underestimated him.' Kashan tensed his leg, throwing a sidekick at his temple.
Arkam stepped back; he blacked out from the sharp pain, 'The hell? How did he return a kick so fast?'
Kashan charged at him, tackling him and slamming him against the pillar directly behind Arkam. The pillar cracked, rubble spread, and dust covered the area like mist.
Arkam spat blood, coughing a bit. He dropped to the ground. His face was against the ground.
He lay motionless, the cold sensation on his face from the concrete. Memories surfaced in his mind, like many shattered glass pieces. The smell of gunpowder and blood pulled him into a memory...
...Arkam sat on the ground, supported by a chilly wall.
The area stank of blood and sweat. Many voices whispered, slowly getting louder. Under the dim bunker with captives—women, children, and important men, tied hand and foot. They begged for freedom.
From the chamber next to his, sounds of women came—they moaned. The soldier assaulted women captives while children saw the scene.
A rifle rested in his hand, and he sat away from the voices. Having dark circles under his eyes, rough lips, and messy hair, he observed the scene.
Arkam stood up and dusted off his combat suit. 'Sigh, never letting me rest.' He drifted towards the exit.
He squinted his eyes as the rays from above blinded him. Covering his face as his gaze drifted towards a tree. The tree, tall and withered, with only branches that didn't hang fruit, but humans.
The bloody pool at the bottom. The smell of rotten flesh and blood came from it, as many crows ate at a boy's body hanging on it.
He marched towards it, sitting under it. He closed his eyes—a silence that felt unreal, not ominous, but a rest.
Then, a voice hummed from above.
What is that? Arkam stood up as he looked around. Getting closer to the voice, he narrowed his eyes. A young man sat on the branch cleaning his carbon-matted gun while humming a tune—'Melody, in a war?'
The man saw Arkam. He dropped down, standing opposite Arkam. "You are Arkam, right?" Extending his right arm to Arkam, "I'm Kashan, and I'm the commander of the squad inside the bunker," he said, grinning.
Arkam shook the hand. "I'm Arkam, the new vice commander," he replied without any expression.
A sly grin spread on Kashan's face. "Nice."
So, I don't want to lose the tension but want to ground readers to know where, what, and when... sigh, okay. If you have any suggestions or advice, please help me. This forum changed my writing completely, and I know it'll again...
Thank you.
Edit - In spoilers, the gap between paragraphs is big, and I can't do anything about it... sorry.
