Need feedback cuz :(

Cherry

Active member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
11
Points
43

;-; help
 

Cipiteca396

Monarch of Despair 🐉🌺🪽🌊🪶🌑🐦‍🔥🌈
Joined
Jun 6, 2021
Messages
2,700
Points
153
You need to work on your English. Your writing feels VERY google translate, which will drive away pretty much everyone.
Nishimiya Sho lived in a commonplace residence with normalcy; he was a child with daring inquisitiveness, fondness for entertainment, and unusual excitement for hazardous adventures.
Sure. Again, the language is off, but at least it can be mostly understood. It introduces the character✅
By accident, Nishimiya Sho fell from a mountain out of the blue. What was supposed to amount to death, became a scene of the supernatural; his whole body was excellent, yet the ground he landed on wasn’t.
What the heck is this? It's avoiding going into detail, but also giving unnecessary details. ❌

Something like, "After an unfortunate accident, he discovers his latent power." Even that's not really great though.
Discovering a unique ability in him, he enthusiastically runs to his residence, only to find out his family had been a victim of murder.
... Wow, what a coincidence. The Protagonist gets superpowers, gets a reason to use them, AND loses the people who might try to teach him to use them responsibly.

It's not the worst. But it's also what made me click off when I read the synopsis the first time around. Too contrived. ➖
Stuck in the past for a long time, he tries to discover the purpose of his power while searching for the killer.
I assume he's not literally stuck in the past. It's fine though. ✅

Frankly, I have no idea what's being said half the time because of the poor English. You have a large vocabulary, and it's clear that there's a lot of thought behind it. But those thoughts aren't being conveyed properly.

You might need to ask for help from someone who is willing to translate the story into English.
 

Cherry

Active member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
11
Points
43
You need to work on your English. Your writing feels VERY google translate, which will drive away pretty much everyone.
Sure. Again, the language is off, but at least it can be mostly understood. It introduces the character✅

What the heck is this? It's avoiding going into detail, but also giving unnecessary details. ❌

Something like, "After an unfortunate accident, he discovers his latent power." Even that's not really great though.

... Wow, what a coincidence. The Protagonist gets superpowers, gets a reason to use them, AND loses the people who might try to teach him to use them responsibly.

It's not the worst. But it's also what made me click off when I read the synopsis the first time around. Too contrived. ➖

I assume he's not literally stuck in the past. It's fine though. ✅

Frankly, I have no idea what's being said half the time because of the poor English. You have a large vocabulary, and it's clear that there's a lot of thought behind it. But those thoughts aren't being conveyed properly.

You might need to ask for help from someone who is willing to translate the story into English.
Tyvm
 

OsiriumWrites

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 13, 2021
Messages
38
Points
58
I agree with the previous advice.

Try Grammarly or prowriting aid. The latter helps out a lot as you type, helping with grammar, passive verbs, tens, etc.

The good thing is you are creative and want to tell us a story. That is the hard part. Now you just need to make that story flow and flourish with the right words and structure.

Just keep writing and ask for feedback.
 

Cherry

Active member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
11
Points
43
I agree with the previous advice.

Try Grammarly or prowriting aid. The latter helps out a lot as you type, helping with grammar, passive verbs, tens, etc.

The good thing is you are creative and want to tell us a story. That is the hard part. Now you just need to make that story flow and flourish with the right words and structure.

Just keep writing and ask for feedback.
TYVM!
 

unknownking

your local shitposter
Joined
Dec 19, 2021
Messages
73
Points
58
if you are a nonnative speaker like me, I would advise you to not only use Grammarly but also deepl.com
that's prob the best translator out there if it has your language of course.
 
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