KoyukiMegumi
Kitty
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Okay! I took much of what you guys told me in my previous post and tried to use it! That was from my first novel (I might revisit it later to improve it, but if I do now, I'll never finish my other novels), and your feedback was great! The only way to know how I did is to ask again, so here I go! Again, I don't have anyone else to ask, so I would appreciate it if you could give me some precious time to help!
This is from my Iseka novel, which hasn't been released yet, but I feel this shows more of where my writing has evolved. (AKA I also had much to improve by the things pointed out in my last one.)
Nothing in this chapter is NSFW but it dives into sensitive subjects. Let me know if I improved at all or if I'm still stuck with the same errors! I don't think all of them will disappear, but I've been working on this for hours.
Thank you for your time!
This is from my Iseka novel, which hasn't been released yet, but I feel this shows more of where my writing has evolved. (AKA I also had much to improve by the things pointed out in my last one.)
Nothing in this chapter is NSFW but it dives into sensitive subjects. Let me know if I improved at all or if I'm still stuck with the same errors! I don't think all of them will disappear, but I've been working on this for hours.
Thank you for your time!
If someone had told me this morning that I would be looking down at this forsaken city, it would've ended with me laughing in their faces. The only thing that bothered me this morning was a minor, annoying headache. This wasn't what I expected at all.
But here I am, sitting on the fucking edge again. I’ve lost how many times I’ve come up here.
The usual sight of the blue sky framed by towering glass and metal buildings brought me a sense of peace amidst the chaos of the city below. However, today, nothing seemed to alleviate my inner turmoil.
How stupid was I to think I could get away from this fucking life?
No matter what I did, despite my best efforts to stay positive, it felt like every aspect of my life was conspiring to bring me down. All I wanted to do was escape, but with my hands stained crimson, I knew it was over for me.
A family’s all we need. It’s what keeps us together. Blood’s thicker than anything else.
The idiotic person who said this lived in a fucking vacuum. Or perhaps my blood was too polluted to fit that bill.
Ah… a simple step, and it’s all over. True freedom… Or is it?
A chill ran through my body, making me tremble where I stood.
Why does this life have to be so beautifully cruel? I never wanted this! This… Isn’t…
I shook my head, trying to rid myself of the thoughts. Tears stung the corner of my eyes, unable to hold myself together.
I want to… I wanted to live! Why don’t I have that choice anymore?!
“Fuck!” I winced in response to a sudden ache that unexpectedly emerged, causing a sharp, stabbing pain in my head.
However, that was the least of my worries: the city lights and cars buzzing by stained the night sky above. I could barely make out any stars anymore. The winter breeze didn’t help my aches either, nor didn't help that I had a heavy jacket on.
Why… doesn’t anyone look up? No one... ever... cares.
Simply standing there, I felt a sharp pain with every breath I took. It wasn't just the physical discomfort but the realization that something was seriously wrong. The metallic taste of blood remained in my mouth, serving as a grim reminder of the damage I had suffered.
The thought of fractured ribs crossed my mind, adding to the overwhelming sense of hopelessness. Licking my lip made me notice lacerations had started to dry and form scabs.
How long has it been since...
I gazed at the phone, hoping to see any signs of anyone wanting to help me.
Nothing, the blue checks give you away, fucking assholes.
No one cared to stop me on my way up, either. They all avoided me even though I struggled to go down the hall. None batted an eye, seeing my clothes were stained red.
I don't even know why it bothers me. This isn't the first time. Fuck it.
I couldn't help but let out a soft sigh.
Does it matter? It isn’t long… Or did you already…
I glanced at the time phone. The number 20:00 stared back at me. There were no new notifications, either. It wouldn't be long before my sister returned from her date. Even if there was no response, she read my messages.
It has been an hour since I came up and three hours since I came home. Why... Why did you...
Wincing in pain, I readjusted myself, trying not to feel as much of an ache. When I saw myself earlier in the cracked mirror, I barely recognized myself.
Shit! All of this is useless! There isn’t any going back. Not after—
The train of thought was abruptly cut off when the door burst open with a bang, only to shut again swiftly. There walked a black-haired woman with blood-soaked hands. It even got onto her white coat, too.
“You bitch! How could you?!” My sister let out a piercing screech, her cheeks streaked with tears.
This one had always been present, but she never lifted a finger to help me. The pain in her voice indicated that there was no turning back for me, even though I hadn't...
Ah… then you're actually…
Flashbacks of a couple of hours ago rushed through my mind like a blinding storm.
No! It’s not my fault! I did what I had to do!
Despite the overwhelming heaviness in my heart, I knew I had to summon the strength to move forward.
Of course, you'd side with him. Ah... my life’s over. I might as well enjoy its last moments.
“So, you did get my message. I didn’t think you’d come up here.” I winced, struggling to position myself.
It wasn’t long before I stood on the ledge, staring at her. Her emerald orbs reflected pure animosity. She was his female clone.
Why... was I the only one who didn't?
“Aw, did I ruin your little date?” A soft smile rose on my lips.
I had been quietly allowing everything all this time, waiting for my escape. Yet, that was but a dream.
Yes… you were always loved. How unfair is that? Just because I...
Hearing my question triggered her eyes to flicker, warping her face in ways I didn't know it could soon after.
“My date?! No! You fucking ruined my life! Not only did you take her, but now him too!” She snapped, appearing quite unhinged
She held her phone in her hand, which lit up. Undoubtedly, the cops were coming soon. I let out a soft sigh, gazing up at the night sky. If only all the city lights would shut off and the buzzing noises of the city below would stop.
I wonder what type of view I'll have.
She was slowly creeping closer towards me. The breeze blew hard, keeping her shivering with each step. Watching her tremble like that made her seem so frail.
This life’s a joke.
“Ruin your life? You think my world revolves around you?” A quiet, muffled laugh left me, but I had to stop because it was causing me discomfort.
Yet it fueled something else.
“Like I give a damn about your life! It was all he cared about! Fuck you and him! I never want to see any of you again!” I shouted, suddenly catching sight of the flashing red and blue lights below.
Ah… She called them. Figures… she’s probably recording this, too. Any sane person would after seeing that…
Vibrations rippled in my hand from my phone. They were probably crawling all over the apartment, too. Once again, vivid flashes of the events rushed through me, replaying the experience in my mind.
Stop! Get off me! I let go of a piercing scream, struggling to gain entry to my room.
His grip was too firm, refusing to release me. The fury in his eyes revealed that he was aware of my attempt to cancel the loan.
No! If you won’t do as I say, then—
I dismissed that thought with a shake of my head.
I can’t lose focus!
This was my requiem, a day my sister would remember at least. I silenced my phone by gently pressing the power button, feeling the satisfying click as the screen darkened.
Someone will remember I exist!
“Why didn’t you answer?!” She questioned with an intense glare.
“None of it matters, Evelyn. They won’t stop me. Neither will you.” I responded with a deep sigh escaping from my lips.
That’s right. In this world, I don’t belong. At least I can…
“You took my mom away from me the day you were born! And now you have the nerve to take my dad, too!” With a menacing tone, she hissed, taking a deliberate step closer. "Come down from there and face justice, you bitch!”
She wasn’t wrong but failed to notice that I never wanted to. The center of my world wasn't her as much as she wanted it to be. All I wanted was to escape this place, but that was impossible.
Especially since he…
As I gazed in the direction from which Evelyn had entered, I noticed faint lights seeping through the cracks in the door.
They’re probably behind, waiting for me to leave the edge. Eve, did you call them before you came up or on your way here?
I had no escape unless I dared to take a straightforward yet terrifying leap. The justice she spoke about would bury me under it. It was the same one that always ignored all the bruises my body adorned.
All because he had the power to hide among them.
“I thought you’d care, even if just a bit. Heck, I guess I was wrong.” A weary sigh left my lips, glancing at my phone.
An unfamiliar number stared back at me. They kept ringing me up, even though I kept turning the phone off. Narrowing my eyes, I brought it up to me but quickly placed it back down.
No, there isn't a single thing they can say that’ll make me believe them. Yet...
My orbs traveled to my destination, making me tremble.
No! I can't! Why can’t I step off?! It’s my only choice!
My feet refused to move from where I was.
“You can’t ruin my future, too! Get down from there!” my sister snapped, returning my attention to her.
Oh... So, you told her. How wonderful…
I wouldn’t allow her or anyone to benefit from me any longer.
Ah... I didn’t ask to be in this world.
No, they could’ve ended me before I got there. If only my mother had the heart to do so. All of this could've been avoided. They could've been a happy family even after that man entered their lives.
Don’t bring unwanted children into this world. Simple really. It’s already hard enough without being fucked like this. Mom... Why didn't you spare everyone this misery?
No matter how often I tried to run away when I was younger, it never changed.
“Fuck that, Evelyn! This way is the only way I’ll finally be free!” A mischievous smirk spread across my face, feeling the weight of power resting in my hands.
If I fell, her future would be gone with me—a victory in this chaotic situation. Everything always went her way.
Even he did everything for you. Ah… I'm tired of all that bullshit.
At least my death would be on my terms. I turned away from her, gazing towards the city below. The flashing lights blinded my eyes. However, I froze when facing the edge.
Why can't I take it?!
I had all the reasons to step off, yet I wanted to live. Tears streamed down my cheeks, making me slightly flinch away from the edge. Before another thought could form, everything went dark.
A blackout?
The moonlight poured over the city, casting a silvery glow illuminating everything in its path. It outshone the vibrant blue and red hues from below. The celestial expanse was genuinely extraordinary.
How unfair… Even you can be this beautiful. Why do we hide such a thing behind artificial light?
Then again, we rarely looked up at the sky. The only reason anyone was gazing tonight was because of me. I reached for the moon, forgetting my surroundings.
This will be the last time I see anything like it. Even if I don't jump off, I'll... Damn it! If only… my life could be as pretty.
Tears streaked down my cheeks, unable to reach it without stepping off. Even though my life was over…
Ah... I don't want to die. Maybe... pri--
Evelyn's face contorted in anger as she snarled, “You're not going anywhere, Sylvia!” her fingers digging into my legs with a fierce grip.
I felt a surge of pain, causing me to gasp. My battered body couldn't bear both our weights, let alone withstand her touch. In that instant, I knew it was only a matter of time before we both fell over.
When I came up to this roof, this wasn’t what I had in mind. I didn’t want to drag anyone down with me. No, all I wanted was my freedom, nothing else. Unlike me, Evelyn's life was full of opportunities.
Ah… why do I…
“Stop! Let me go!” I reacted suddenly and forcefully, attempting to shove her away.
But it was too late. We lost our balance when she hugged me with her slender body. Despite being heavier, I lacked the strength to save us. In the blink of an eye, I witnessed a group of men suddenly emerging from the concealed doorway, hastily approaching us.
Shit… I'm the end of this family.
A split second later, I lost my footing, tumbling over the ledge and inadvertently dragging her down with me. Her face contorted in pure dread as we plummeted, her screams echoing through the air. It wasn't just her, though. Everyone who witnessed our fall added their panicked cries, creating a chorus of terror.
The only one who had lost their voice was me. Feeling the wind's gentle caress against my body gave me deep peace.
Is this what true freedom feels like? Ah… Will I go straight to heaven or hell? Probably the latter…
Evelyn clung tightly to me, her fingers digging into my arm. She looked at me with pleading eyes, desperately hoping that I would find a way to soften the impact of the blow. I thought this was the moment my life would flash before me.
Yet nothing did. Not an ounce of my shitty life did I relive in those moments. No, I only saw the shining moon disappear into the city's darkness.
Ah... What am I even thinking? Of course, my stop is hell. I’m your spawn.
Even so, the strangest of feelings surged through me, making me reach for the empty air like a hand reaching to save me.
I don't want to die!
Evelyn's orbs reflected the flashing lights of the police cars below, the only illumination source in the pitch-black city. The darkness swallowed everything, even the night sky above. Despite the lack of visibility, we remained unclaimed by the ground below.
Instead, something else loomed over us. Before we hit the ground, strange, fuchsia-colored circles appeared above and below us, suspending us in midair. In the blink of an eye, symbols I had never seen surrounded us. One thing was clear, though.
We were frozen in time and unable to move.
What the…
Finally, I found you! A voice echoed within me.
Since this morning, voices had erupted in my head, causing me to question my sanity. Previously, I couldn't understand their words, but this time...
Who…
M’ lord! You must — another voice suddenly cut off.
Fuck! They— Again, it became distorted.
The hair on my body stood up, reacting to something that was approaching. In an instant, lightning struck us. Surprisingly, it didn't hurt. Instead, it whisked us away into the unknown. It was like time resumed, suddenly causing Evelyn to scream even louder.
They had set a siren near me, and I joined this time. We were twisting and turning, and I could barely determine where we were going. This wasn't the kind of death I had hoped for. All I knew was that we were in what appeared to be a hole where colors blended into many fractures.
We didn’t know what awaited us at the end. But surely, it wasn’t what I wished for. The concept of peace wasn’t meant for me.
No, something else was.
But here I am, sitting on the fucking edge again. I’ve lost how many times I’ve come up here.
The usual sight of the blue sky framed by towering glass and metal buildings brought me a sense of peace amidst the chaos of the city below. However, today, nothing seemed to alleviate my inner turmoil.
How stupid was I to think I could get away from this fucking life?
No matter what I did, despite my best efforts to stay positive, it felt like every aspect of my life was conspiring to bring me down. All I wanted to do was escape, but with my hands stained crimson, I knew it was over for me.
A family’s all we need. It’s what keeps us together. Blood’s thicker than anything else.
The idiotic person who said this lived in a fucking vacuum. Or perhaps my blood was too polluted to fit that bill.
Ah… a simple step, and it’s all over. True freedom… Or is it?
A chill ran through my body, making me tremble where I stood.
Why does this life have to be so beautifully cruel? I never wanted this! This… Isn’t…
I shook my head, trying to rid myself of the thoughts. Tears stung the corner of my eyes, unable to hold myself together.
I want to… I wanted to live! Why don’t I have that choice anymore?!
“Fuck!” I winced in response to a sudden ache that unexpectedly emerged, causing a sharp, stabbing pain in my head.
However, that was the least of my worries: the city lights and cars buzzing by stained the night sky above. I could barely make out any stars anymore. The winter breeze didn’t help my aches either, nor didn't help that I had a heavy jacket on.
Why… doesn’t anyone look up? No one... ever... cares.
Simply standing there, I felt a sharp pain with every breath I took. It wasn't just the physical discomfort but the realization that something was seriously wrong. The metallic taste of blood remained in my mouth, serving as a grim reminder of the damage I had suffered.
The thought of fractured ribs crossed my mind, adding to the overwhelming sense of hopelessness. Licking my lip made me notice lacerations had started to dry and form scabs.
How long has it been since...
I gazed at the phone, hoping to see any signs of anyone wanting to help me.
Nothing, the blue checks give you away, fucking assholes.
No one cared to stop me on my way up, either. They all avoided me even though I struggled to go down the hall. None batted an eye, seeing my clothes were stained red.
I don't even know why it bothers me. This isn't the first time. Fuck it.
I couldn't help but let out a soft sigh.
Does it matter? It isn’t long… Or did you already…
I glanced at the time phone. The number 20:00 stared back at me. There were no new notifications, either. It wouldn't be long before my sister returned from her date. Even if there was no response, she read my messages.
It has been an hour since I came up and three hours since I came home. Why... Why did you...
Wincing in pain, I readjusted myself, trying not to feel as much of an ache. When I saw myself earlier in the cracked mirror, I barely recognized myself.
Shit! All of this is useless! There isn’t any going back. Not after—
The train of thought was abruptly cut off when the door burst open with a bang, only to shut again swiftly. There walked a black-haired woman with blood-soaked hands. It even got onto her white coat, too.
“You bitch! How could you?!” My sister let out a piercing screech, her cheeks streaked with tears.
This one had always been present, but she never lifted a finger to help me. The pain in her voice indicated that there was no turning back for me, even though I hadn't...
Ah… then you're actually…
Flashbacks of a couple of hours ago rushed through my mind like a blinding storm.
No! It’s not my fault! I did what I had to do!
Despite the overwhelming heaviness in my heart, I knew I had to summon the strength to move forward.
Of course, you'd side with him. Ah... my life’s over. I might as well enjoy its last moments.
“So, you did get my message. I didn’t think you’d come up here.” I winced, struggling to position myself.
It wasn’t long before I stood on the ledge, staring at her. Her emerald orbs reflected pure animosity. She was his female clone.
Why... was I the only one who didn't?
“Aw, did I ruin your little date?” A soft smile rose on my lips.
I had been quietly allowing everything all this time, waiting for my escape. Yet, that was but a dream.
Yes… you were always loved. How unfair is that? Just because I...
Hearing my question triggered her eyes to flicker, warping her face in ways I didn't know it could soon after.
“My date?! No! You fucking ruined my life! Not only did you take her, but now him too!” She snapped, appearing quite unhinged
She held her phone in her hand, which lit up. Undoubtedly, the cops were coming soon. I let out a soft sigh, gazing up at the night sky. If only all the city lights would shut off and the buzzing noises of the city below would stop.
I wonder what type of view I'll have.
She was slowly creeping closer towards me. The breeze blew hard, keeping her shivering with each step. Watching her tremble like that made her seem so frail.
This life’s a joke.
“Ruin your life? You think my world revolves around you?” A quiet, muffled laugh left me, but I had to stop because it was causing me discomfort.
Yet it fueled something else.
“Like I give a damn about your life! It was all he cared about! Fuck you and him! I never want to see any of you again!” I shouted, suddenly catching sight of the flashing red and blue lights below.
Ah… She called them. Figures… she’s probably recording this, too. Any sane person would after seeing that…
Vibrations rippled in my hand from my phone. They were probably crawling all over the apartment, too. Once again, vivid flashes of the events rushed through me, replaying the experience in my mind.
Stop! Get off me! I let go of a piercing scream, struggling to gain entry to my room.
His grip was too firm, refusing to release me. The fury in his eyes revealed that he was aware of my attempt to cancel the loan.
No! If you won’t do as I say, then—
I dismissed that thought with a shake of my head.
I can’t lose focus!
This was my requiem, a day my sister would remember at least. I silenced my phone by gently pressing the power button, feeling the satisfying click as the screen darkened.
Someone will remember I exist!
“Why didn’t you answer?!” She questioned with an intense glare.
“None of it matters, Evelyn. They won’t stop me. Neither will you.” I responded with a deep sigh escaping from my lips.
That’s right. In this world, I don’t belong. At least I can…
“You took my mom away from me the day you were born! And now you have the nerve to take my dad, too!” With a menacing tone, she hissed, taking a deliberate step closer. "Come down from there and face justice, you bitch!”
She wasn’t wrong but failed to notice that I never wanted to. The center of my world wasn't her as much as she wanted it to be. All I wanted was to escape this place, but that was impossible.
Especially since he…
As I gazed in the direction from which Evelyn had entered, I noticed faint lights seeping through the cracks in the door.
They’re probably behind, waiting for me to leave the edge. Eve, did you call them before you came up or on your way here?
I had no escape unless I dared to take a straightforward yet terrifying leap. The justice she spoke about would bury me under it. It was the same one that always ignored all the bruises my body adorned.
All because he had the power to hide among them.
“I thought you’d care, even if just a bit. Heck, I guess I was wrong.” A weary sigh left my lips, glancing at my phone.
An unfamiliar number stared back at me. They kept ringing me up, even though I kept turning the phone off. Narrowing my eyes, I brought it up to me but quickly placed it back down.
No, there isn't a single thing they can say that’ll make me believe them. Yet...
My orbs traveled to my destination, making me tremble.
No! I can't! Why can’t I step off?! It’s my only choice!
My feet refused to move from where I was.
“You can’t ruin my future, too! Get down from there!” my sister snapped, returning my attention to her.
Oh... So, you told her. How wonderful…
I wouldn’t allow her or anyone to benefit from me any longer.
Ah... I didn’t ask to be in this world.
No, they could’ve ended me before I got there. If only my mother had the heart to do so. All of this could've been avoided. They could've been a happy family even after that man entered their lives.
Don’t bring unwanted children into this world. Simple really. It’s already hard enough without being fucked like this. Mom... Why didn't you spare everyone this misery?
No matter how often I tried to run away when I was younger, it never changed.
“Fuck that, Evelyn! This way is the only way I’ll finally be free!” A mischievous smirk spread across my face, feeling the weight of power resting in my hands.
If I fell, her future would be gone with me—a victory in this chaotic situation. Everything always went her way.
Even he did everything for you. Ah… I'm tired of all that bullshit.
At least my death would be on my terms. I turned away from her, gazing towards the city below. The flashing lights blinded my eyes. However, I froze when facing the edge.
Why can't I take it?!
I had all the reasons to step off, yet I wanted to live. Tears streamed down my cheeks, making me slightly flinch away from the edge. Before another thought could form, everything went dark.
A blackout?
The moonlight poured over the city, casting a silvery glow illuminating everything in its path. It outshone the vibrant blue and red hues from below. The celestial expanse was genuinely extraordinary.
How unfair… Even you can be this beautiful. Why do we hide such a thing behind artificial light?
Then again, we rarely looked up at the sky. The only reason anyone was gazing tonight was because of me. I reached for the moon, forgetting my surroundings.
This will be the last time I see anything like it. Even if I don't jump off, I'll... Damn it! If only… my life could be as pretty.
Tears streaked down my cheeks, unable to reach it without stepping off. Even though my life was over…
Ah... I don't want to die. Maybe... pri--
Evelyn's face contorted in anger as she snarled, “You're not going anywhere, Sylvia!” her fingers digging into my legs with a fierce grip.
I felt a surge of pain, causing me to gasp. My battered body couldn't bear both our weights, let alone withstand her touch. In that instant, I knew it was only a matter of time before we both fell over.
When I came up to this roof, this wasn’t what I had in mind. I didn’t want to drag anyone down with me. No, all I wanted was my freedom, nothing else. Unlike me, Evelyn's life was full of opportunities.
Ah… why do I…
“Stop! Let me go!” I reacted suddenly and forcefully, attempting to shove her away.
But it was too late. We lost our balance when she hugged me with her slender body. Despite being heavier, I lacked the strength to save us. In the blink of an eye, I witnessed a group of men suddenly emerging from the concealed doorway, hastily approaching us.
Shit… I'm the end of this family.
A split second later, I lost my footing, tumbling over the ledge and inadvertently dragging her down with me. Her face contorted in pure dread as we plummeted, her screams echoing through the air. It wasn't just her, though. Everyone who witnessed our fall added their panicked cries, creating a chorus of terror.
The only one who had lost their voice was me. Feeling the wind's gentle caress against my body gave me deep peace.
Is this what true freedom feels like? Ah… Will I go straight to heaven or hell? Probably the latter…
Evelyn clung tightly to me, her fingers digging into my arm. She looked at me with pleading eyes, desperately hoping that I would find a way to soften the impact of the blow. I thought this was the moment my life would flash before me.
Yet nothing did. Not an ounce of my shitty life did I relive in those moments. No, I only saw the shining moon disappear into the city's darkness.
Ah... What am I even thinking? Of course, my stop is hell. I’m your spawn.
Even so, the strangest of feelings surged through me, making me reach for the empty air like a hand reaching to save me.
I don't want to die!
Evelyn's orbs reflected the flashing lights of the police cars below, the only illumination source in the pitch-black city. The darkness swallowed everything, even the night sky above. Despite the lack of visibility, we remained unclaimed by the ground below.
Instead, something else loomed over us. Before we hit the ground, strange, fuchsia-colored circles appeared above and below us, suspending us in midair. In the blink of an eye, symbols I had never seen surrounded us. One thing was clear, though.
We were frozen in time and unable to move.
What the…
Finally, I found you! A voice echoed within me.
Since this morning, voices had erupted in my head, causing me to question my sanity. Previously, I couldn't understand their words, but this time...
Who…
M’ lord! You must — another voice suddenly cut off.
Fuck! They— Again, it became distorted.
The hair on my body stood up, reacting to something that was approaching. In an instant, lightning struck us. Surprisingly, it didn't hurt. Instead, it whisked us away into the unknown. It was like time resumed, suddenly causing Evelyn to scream even louder.
They had set a siren near me, and I joined this time. We were twisting and turning, and I could barely determine where we were going. This wasn't the kind of death I had hoped for. All I knew was that we were in what appeared to be a hole where colors blended into many fractures.
We didn’t know what awaited us at the end. But surely, it wasn’t what I wished for. The concept of peace wasn’t meant for me.
No, something else was.
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