Need Constructive Criticism

[greyblob]

reads pretty good overall. I dont know how to say this in authory words but the flow is good and the scenes read well. I didnt have trouble following whats going on.

there are a few inconsistencies here and there. Info dumping mid-scene is a big no-no. I don't need to know what cerbreus is. just having the mc afraid of it is enough of a context for now.

Also, first person is very tricky. what you read is what the character experiences. the wording in the chapter isn't very child-like (im assuming shes a child). Simpler words, sentences, thought processes, less focus on the future/consequences, more on present etc. there is also great focus on romance which i dont think a 10 yo ( iam assuming shes near that age) would put that much emphasis on these things.

i am not very good at explaining but hopefully that made any sense.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

reads pretty good overall. I dont know how to say this in authory words but the flow is good and the scenes read well. I didnt have trouble following whats going on.

Thank you Blob!

there are a few inconsistencies here and there. Info dumping mid-scene is a big no-no. I don't need to know what cerbreus is. just having the mc afraid of it is enough of a context for now.

I know! I learned not to do that! But I didn't know where else to put it so I left it there. Probably could've waited until after the fall. Hm... Note to self.

Also, first person is very tricky. what you read is what the character experiences. the wording in the chapter isn't very child-like (im assuming shes a child). Simpler words, sentences, thought processes, less focus on the future/consequences, more on present etc. there is also great focus on romance which i dont think a 10 yo ( iam assuming shes near that age) would put that much emphasis on these things.

I was trying to portray curiosity and desire for companionship rather than romance. But perhaps my undying romantic views urged onto Lilith. Heheh.

The first person is tricky in need. But I'm getting better as I go! I try not to write to kids as much in view-wise. c:

i am not very good at explaining but hopefully that made any sense.

You did it perfectly! Thank you for your thoughts!

Yeti, I'm considering opening another feedback thread, this time for the chapter of my newest novel. I've tried to include everything you and others told me. But I don't know if I did okay until I ask others.

So thank you!

 

[melchi]

I am prob not the right person to review your work.

At first, I didn’t understand what I was meant to do. I wondered why I was alive. Why did I have to live after what happened? So many died... So why was I still here? Before my fateful encounter with him. My life was simple. Why did he have to teach me how to feel?

"feel"
The very first paragraph has the strongest emphasis on "feels" it sorta screams that this is a romance novel. I don't really enjoy those types of stories.

Though, if your intention was to make it obvious this is a romance novel you did a good job.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

"feel"
The very first paragraph has the strongest emphasis on "feels" it sorta screams that this is a romance novel. I don't really enjoy those types of stories.

Though, if your intention was to make it obvious this is a romance novel you did a good job.

Haha, you're correct! It is a Romance novel! It may not be your cup of tea, but thank you for your thoughts!

Though, I'd be wrong to say it's romance alone. It's Fantasy,romance, psychological, horror, action, and adventure; it has a bit of everything. I've even had people tell me there is comedy in it.

But it mainly revolves around the couple and the MC, aka their romance and their adventure together.