My first story

[Endenes]

I have completed 11 chapters of my first story and the first season is finished. I am looking forward to your feedback.

God Of Power

Before he was born, they decided he should not exist. His father was the God of Power. His mother was the Goddess of the Void. One served Order. The other served Chaos. The Sacred Text forbade their union — and when the truth was revealed, both were executed. But the child...

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[Bane89]

I read the first two chapters, I'm enjoying it so far and will keep reading during my limited free time which is scarce so your book hooked me pretty well for me to keep reading.
I did have a question, is this at all based on superman?
Just the idea, super powerful kid, raised by farmers unaware he isn't their kid. Powerful but shows restraint, Kael versus Kalel etc.
It's not fanfiction the origin is different as is the setting and life path, just the theme, which if it is i think that's great, it's a fantastic theme, but I just noticed the similarities and it had me curious.

Feedback:
The first chapter and roughly 2/3s of the second chapter are pretty much all tell and lore. I don't think it's bad because it's interesting and useful information, but it doesn't really connect me to the characters, or their motivation.
It's not the focus of your book, but I suspect it will matter: The gods being split between chaos and order, and the laws of the universe, all make sense to me, but it kind of glosses over the why of two gods from opposite sides falling in love. Honestly I don't know if focusing in on this more is the right choice for your story, but it might help me emotionally invest more in their child with a few moments of the why/how they risked everything for their love.
The writing is good, no glaring grammatical errors that I noticed, the prose so far feels well done, at least reading it in my head.
The pacing feels a little fast, but I believe that's because it's more of a summary up to the end of chapter 2, so a lot of things are just delivered and then moved on. I'm assuming parts that slow down and are elaborated on will be important points as the story goes, if not, the pacing seems a bit mismatched.

 

[Endenes]

Thank you so much for your feedback and for taking the time to read despite your busy schedule — it really means a lot to me.
To answer your question: No, it was not inspired by Superman. My goal was actually to build a mythology entirely from within, without drawing from any existing source. The name similarity is a coincidence I only noticed after the fact!
Kael is meant to be our window into this universe and its mythology — the story will gradually unfold through him.
As for the parents' love story: the reason I hold back on that early on is intentional. I want the reader to first understand, through the events themselves, just how incompatible the God of Order and the God of Chaos truly are. Once that tension is felt, their story will carry much more weight. It will be explored in greater depth in later chapters.
Regarding the pacing — you're right, and I'm aware of it. I wanted to get Kael onto his path as quickly as possible, so the early chapters move fast. It's something I'm actively working on improving. This is my first writing experience, so I'm still finding my footing, but I'm paying close attention to this.
If you ever find the time to continue reading, I would genuinely love to hear your thoughts again

 

[Bane89]

Thank you so much for your feedback and for taking the time to read despite your busy schedule — it really means a lot to me.
To answer your question: No, it was not inspired by Superman. My goal was actually to build a mythology entirely from within, without drawing from any existing source. The name similarity is a coincidence I only noticed after the fact!
Kael is meant to be our window into this universe and its mythology — the story will gradually unfold through him.
As for the parents' love story: the reason I hold back on that early on is intentional. I want the reader to first understand, through the events themselves, just how incompatible the God of Order and the God of Chaos truly are. Once that tension is felt, their story will carry much more weight. It will be explored in greater depth in later chapters.
Regarding the pacing — you're right, and I'm aware of it. I wanted to get Kael onto his path as quickly as possible, so the early chapters move fast. It's something I'm actively working on improving. This is my first writing experience, so I'm still finding my footing, but I'm paying close attention to this.
If you ever find the time to continue reading, I would genuinely love to hear your thoughts again

Hello again, I read chapters 3 and 4 and wanted to share some more thoughts.

First, I want to say that I am enjoying the book. I don’t want that to get lost in the feedback. Anything I point out is meant as a suggestion for strengthening the story, not a criticism of the quality. You’ve built a world and mythology that genuinely interest me.

About the pacing: I know you mentioned you’re aware of it, and I can see what you mean. Chapters 3 and 4 have the same feeling of moving quickly from one major moment to the next. I understand wanting to get Kael to a certain point in his life efficiently, but it left me with a craft question: how important is it to start with him as a child if the story is going to move through those years so fast?

The early chapters do establish character and world, but because they jump from event to event, some moments don’t land with as much emotional weight as they could. I don’t think you need to cut these chapters or skip ahead. The material is good, but I think giving a few key scenes more room to breathe would make them more impactful.

For example, the fight with the other student: Kael knocks him out, goes to the headmaster, and gets off without consequences. That’s not a problem in itself, but as a reader I found myself wondering things like whether this is establishing the academy’s culture, whether students are encouraged to settle things physically, or whether this moment is going to matter later. Then the story jumps straight to graduation, and I wasn’t sure why we spent time on that moment unless it’s setting up something that will return later. If it is going to come back, then that’s great, but if not, it feels like a missed opportunity to deepen the world or Kael’s character.

Overall, I’m enjoying the story, the world and mythology are compelling, and I’m curious to see where Kael’s path leads. These are just thoughts from a reader’s perspective on how the early chapters might carry even more impact with a bit more space.

I have a feedback question as well. I'm going to keep reading because as I said I'm enjoying the book. Would you prefer I just send any future thoughts/feedback directly? I don't want to clutter your post with my feedback every couple chapters if you'd prefer to keep it clean.

 

[Endenes]

"I find your criticisms very valid and well-placed. Kael's childhood and school life were actually a prologue to show that he grew up as an ordinary child. The things I really want to convey and the deepening of the mythology begin after Kael goes to Laoh.
I didn't have to write Kael as a child — the first chapter could have been set in Laoh, or I could have elaborated more on this part by telling the academy life and then continued from there. But I think I couldn't hold back my excitement and just started writing. However, I really liked your suggestion — there could be a return to the academy in the future.
There is so much to tell, so many events to cover. When you finish Season 1, I'm very curious about your thoughts. And I started reading your story as well — I must say I quite enjoyed it. Thank you for everything. "

 

[Bane89]

"I find your criticisms very valid and well-placed. Kael's childhood and school life were actually a prologue to show that he grew up as an ordinary child. The things I really want to convey and the deepening of the mythology begin after Kael goes to Laoh.
I didn't have to write Kael as a child — the first chapter could have been set in Laoh, or I could have elaborated more on this part by telling the academy life and then continued from there. But I think I couldn't hold back my excitement and just started writing. However, I really liked your suggestion — there could be a return to the academy in the future.
There is so much to tell, so many events to cover. When you finish Season 1, I'm very curious about your thoughts. And I started reading your story as well — I must say I quite enjoyed it. Thank you for everything. "

I’m excited to get to that part too. When you let your moments breathe, they’re genuinely great, those scenes are what show me how engaging this story can be, which is why I keep moving forward. Honestly my only ‘complaint’ just boils down to wanting more of those moments.