Losing Will

[Nolff]

This is more of a rambling but, feel free to have a read.

I haven't been in touch with the forum for quite a long time because I'm currently studying at a boarding school. And because of it, I find more and more things that not only help developing my personality, character and attitude, they also help my writing skill. At first, I think "Oh yeah, I am progressing life."

I found cool things in the place, made lots of new friends, learned a lot of quirky but great stuff to bring up on controversial debates, and most importantly, I pray a lot to who I am praising. But...

Haha. Addiction is a bitch.

I have been in front of computers too much times, been in places that serves good computers for gaming purposes and offers convenience, that makes me feel like... One if not the only places I feel full comfort is these kinds of places.

It is where I can express myself and expose myself, telling my sins, all my lies, all the faults I did and not admitting, I pour them all negative feelings there.
And, often, I would daze at the sky or a thing in my view, lost in thoughts. I brought myself back to all the wrongdoings I did, those that I keep secret. I thought I'm a bad liar, because I got caught too many times trying to get into classes undetected when I'm late. Apparently? I was not a bad liar. Simple, chitty-bitty things that are not important, I fumbled a lot trying to cover them. But when it comes to more serious stuff, I somehow managed to get away fooling people with my words, convincing them that I have not just done a bad thing at that moment, nor have I done it moments ago or yesterday. And it made me distressed.

'Can they see my true feelings? Can they detect my real struggle?'

I have a lot of things I want to talk about to people, share them, informing them to others. Yet, they don't show interest, not a slight bit. I'm okay with it since most of my countrymen's knowledge of the world isn't as much as mine. My uphold motive is to make others happy. And, that conflicted with the 'me' who wants to be heard as I share the things that I like to the details. I want to talk with people while giving them long monologues of myself talking about the things that I love. Every time I did that, the conversation always seems to go on a halt, or heading to a halt. It's that feeling when you know the conversation is slowly coming to an end because of a few factors from the opposite party you're talking to. I experienced that, a lot. They'd either be quiet and nod understandingly, faking, or saying yes, faking, or give a word about the stuff I loved, commenting or criticizing.

They don't wanna hurt me, so they just do that. I like honest answers more, though. Even if it hurts, if it's civil and delivered kindly, I'll take said answers.

But... Yeah. They did what I said just now. Giving smiles or nods or words that signals "Yes, I acknowledge you." And stopped talking about the topics afterwards. I'll let that slide, even if that happens a lot. But, when it's them who're talking about their beloved stuff, I'll try to cooperate as long as I could with them, trying to flow the conversation. What happens next? Either two things: They'd talk about it for a long time till they ran out of words to say or me stopping them from blabbering too much using an excuse. Do you see what happens here? This... Phenomenon scars my heart.

One of my friend boasted about intellectuality, about higher-echelon use of words with deep meanings, symbolics, yet he himself only knows a little more about it than my country people who has the intelligence and knowledge of a normal, informed citizens of the western countries. And at times, he tried to talk about hard subjects and debated about it while also looping around it, and then informing me that he had only looped around the debated subjects and I was answering it myself or letting myself be looked like a fool in their eyes. Felt like he wants to show that he is on the same level as me or even more than me when it comes to the debated subjects. Sure, as if I never knew where those debates were going to and what motives is hidden behind it. I felt insulted there. Most of the times, I'd just say "Sure" and calm down, but other times I'd passively disagree and try to prove my point of view. He always win, alongside a friend of his who also acts and thinks like him. Won, because of the subjects that became the topics of the debates; A field of study or information that proves I am not studying hard enough in the school. I think it gave them some kind of confidence when talking to me, which they then show to me with words, telling them that "Yes, you are smart. But also dumb." I knew that feeling. I've been like that before, towards some people. I took those as jokes, their provocational words. But, lately, their attitude subtlely changed. Bit by bit, they treat me like I know less about what they know. Every time they did that, I can sense their ego being fed. How'd I know? I've been on their position, long before I came to the school.

Fucking hell. And they get to share their likings to everyone in-depth in the class because what everyone loves in this place are almost guaranteed to be quite the same thing they love. Me? I don't admit I'm smart, but they said that I am smart, using the countrymen's intelligence as the standard for that. I know lots of things that the others don't know, apparently. And that singles me out. How surprising.

Oh right. Whenever I said a word or two that I intended to say to fish out weighing talks, but... That happened once or twice a year. I accepted that, wholeheartedly, bleeding. I think unlike how the others think, and that puts me in a picture where I am the smart but weird and problematic kid. Is my depiction just that? Am I just too selfish to ask to be understood? I always feel lonely and weirded out, undeserved of life. And every time I put baits to get them to know how I'm currently feeling, they... Aren't supportive. Do they not get it? Or was the bait too vague to understand?

I wanted someone to understand what my emotion is that is buried deep within my heart, hidden behind my always-caring-and-smiling face. I guess I hoped too much. Heart's deeper than the ocean, after all. And broader than space. I really hoped too much.

I'm done writing this. I'm a mess. Tried to accept it, but can't. I need to be what my parents wanted me. Gotta get past these emotions and moments.

 

[Juia_Darkcrest]

Was this brick of text about you or another premise for the fall of a good MC into villany?
If the latter, that would set the stage for a rather epic superhero fall from grace, if the former, well;

Egoistic, narcissistic, and generally being full of themselves. For both you and your 'friends'.

Everyone wants to be understood, but the fact you want to monolog to your friends for various reasons, and have their undivided attention is rather unreasonable in this day and age.

Not sure of your age, but with the advent of social media, most peoples attention span has diminished to the 144 characters or less of a tweet before they get bored. Im exaggerating but compared to having a conversation with a boomer or one of the silent generation, most Everyone under the age of 50 now cant be bothered with a dissertation of a conversation unless it falls within their interests.

You need to find friends and colleagues whom you share interests, and be accepting when they also monolog about their side of the topic.

As for the rest of that brick, well I dont have time right now to dissect it. Just dont do drastic shit okay.

 

[Nolff]

Was this brick of text about you or another premise for the fall of a good MC into villany?
If the latter, that would set the stage for a rather epic superhero fall from grace, if the former, well;

Egoistic, narcissistic, and generally being full of themselves. For both you and your 'friends'.

Everyone wants to be understood, but the fact you want to monolog to your friends for various reasons, and have their undivided attention is rather unreasonable in this day and age.

Not sure of your age, but with the advent of social media, most peoples attention span has diminished to the 144 characters or less of a tweet before they get bored. Im exaggerating but compared to having a conversation with a boomer or one of the silent generation, most Everyone under the age of 50 now cant be bothered with a dissertation of a conversation unless it falls within their interests.

You need to find friends and colleagues whom you share interests, and be accepting when they also monolog about their side of the topic.

As for the rest of that brick, well I dont have time right now to dissect it. Just dont do drastic shit okay.

It's the former. And also, thanks. And don't worry, I still have things to do in life. I may want undivided attention, but generally, I just want people to actually care about what I like, not just caring me. Oh wow, I sound selfish.

 

[owotrucked]

Let's say you're hungry, there are multiple approaches to resolve your suffering:
1. Manage it in the physical world with actions. ex: fulfill the basic impulse to put something tasty in your mouth
2. Manage the root of your plight: the (emotional) perception of hunger. ex: stave off the hunger with nicotine

While this example makes number 2 (managing feelings at the source) look incredibly dumb, there are cases where thoughtlessly following number 1 leads to self-destruction. That's because the ecosystem learn to adapt to the species and exploit these emotional needs for their gains (for instance, putting food in a cage trap). Therefore, as a species, there is a need to explore the full space of possibilities. This is achieved by assigning a different "personality" for each individuals, a default order of preference for problem solving approaches. For example, one individual will prefer 1 and use 2 as last resort, and another person will prefer 2 and use 1 when cornered. That way, mother nature yeet us in the wild and watch us scamper in different directions in the space of possibilities.

In this context, it seems to me that you are part of the minority who prefer the second method of problem solving (managing feeling). For instance, the very act of writing and reading fictions is to hack the brain, possibly fulfilling emotional needs that would be difficult to satisfy otherwise.

As a result, you seem distressed by the alienation:
1. You are forced to concede your preference to the majority and adopt a mentality that doesn't match to the role mother nature demands from you. It is a tiring sacrifice that no one cares about, yet you have to do it just to fit in. When you request that others make the same concession and delve into your preferred domain, they refuse. Thus you are left with the impression that you got shafted on your end of the human interaction deal.
2. You can't get genuine connection out of your colleagues and they don't acknowledge your worth. Thus you can't fulfill the impulse to be part of a tribal group where you can fulfill your role.

If you feel like these might be indeed your issues, I can suggest a few things to alleviate these problems.
1. Evolutionary, a tribe is a close knit group where every individuals can fulfill their role serenely and share their resources equally regardless of judgement. Like a multi cellular organism shouldn't beat down the immune system cells for being useless while healthy. However, the mental conditioning from public schools, capitalist society, and social media have created a new environment where people are fragmented by competition for wealth, scattered in echo-chambers with thin tolerance for what is different instead of collaborating in multicellular groups. So yeah, fulfill your need for tribalism by joining an echo chamber, just like everyone lol.
2. People outside your tribe (or echo chamber if you're unlucky) are irrelevant. They don't acknowledge your worth and the usefulness of your skills or opinions. They won't share the fruit of their own skills and opinions with you (except to get glazed). Still, you should stay open in case you can form a connection. Evolutionary speaking, tribes have been shitting on each other since the Neolithic, and to this day, only the scale of the pockets of chaos and order have changed while the atrocity remains the same.
3. Therefore, decrease your expectations of being understood or sharing your tastes. In addition, the more you feel as an oddball, the more niche is your role. This means that you don't have to live in competition with another similar profile.
4. Any competitive feelings with peers is a dumb manipulation by education system and society. It's the sign that the person don't understand the principle of having different personalities and roles in life.
5. (Oral) debates suck ass. Papers are superior medium of communication and reasoning

In short, be yourself, don't harbor pointless expectations from others. School sucks because it shoves you in a overstuffed pot, cooking kids with competition instead of fostering admiration for the diversity of human strengths.

 

[Juia_Darkcrest]

It's the former. And also, thanks. And don't worry, I still have things to do in life. I may want undivided attention, but generally, I just want people to actually care about what I like, not just caring me. Oh wow, I sound selfish.

As long as you are self aware of the fact, you can still do things to mitigate your tendency to be narcissistic...its too unrealistic to change that, we are wired that way, but you can work on accepting others for the way they are...and try and limit how you react to others who dont let you be yourself.

One of the things I do is learn to listen to others without nessarily agreeing with them. Its a nearly lost art of active listening, withholding judgment for others arguments.

You may find your own echo chamber someday, but that is unlikely outside of reddit or some random forum. Manage your own expectations of others as they are more than likely unrealistic.

The same for your supposedly higher intelligence, the vast majority of people are average at best, and you fall into that group. Smart people dont need to claim they are smarter than others, they are already aware they are and do not need to prove it to anyone.

I know you are not directly claiming you are smarter, but you have alluded that you are by claiming your experiences have put you beyond others where you are from.

While traveling and studying abroad will broaden your horizons so to speak, we all gain life experiences just by living. I've been all over Europe, parts of North, Central and South America, Africa, and Asia. Does that make me smarter than my friend who never left our hometown? Not really, we have just had different life experiences.

I digress, I may have read more into your post than you intended, but since it sounded almost like a last ditch effort from someone about to end themselves, I wanted to engage with a bit, making sure you were okay, and that someone was listening.

Take care

 

[Nolff]

Let's say you're hungry, there are multiple approaches to resolve your suffering:
1. Manage it in the physical world with actions. ex: fulfill the basic impulse to put something tasty in your mouth
2. Manage the root of your plight: the (emotional) perception of hunger. ex: stave off the hunger with nicotine

While this example makes number 2 (managing feelings at the source) look incredibly dumb, there are cases where thoughtlessly following number 1 leads to self-destruction. That's because the ecosystem learn to adapt to the species and exploit these emotional needs for their gains (for instance, putting food in a cage trap). Therefore, as a species, there is a need to explore the full space of possibilities. This is achieved by assigning a different "personality" for each individuals, a default order of preference for problem solving approaches. For example, one individual will prefer 1 and use 2 as last resort, and another person will prefer 2 and use 1 when cornered. That way, mother nature yeet us in the wild and watch us scamper in different directions in the space of possibilities.

In this context, it seems to me that you are part of the minority who prefer the second method of problem solving (managing feeling). For instance, the very act of writing and reading fictions is to hack the brain, possibly fulfilling emotional needs that would be difficult to satisfy otherwise.

As a result, you seem distressed by the alienation:
1. You are forced to concede your preference to the majority and adopt a mentality that doesn't match to the role mother nature demands from you. It is a tiring sacrifice that no one cares about, yet you have to do it just to fit in. When you request that others make the same concession and delve into your preferred domain, they refuse. Thus you are left with the impression that you got shafted on your end of the human interaction deal.
2. You can't get genuine connection out of your colleagues and they don't acknowledge your worth. Thus you can't fulfill the impulse to be part of a tribal group where you can fulfill your role.

If you feel like these might be indeed your issues, I can suggest a few things to alleviate these problems.
1. Evolutionary, a tribe is a close knit group where every individuals can fulfill their role serenely and share their resources equally regardless of judgement. Like a multi cellular organism shouldn't beat down the immune system cells for being useless while healthy. However, the mental conditioning from public schools, capitalist society, and social media have created a new environment where people are fragmented by competition for wealth, scattered in echo-chambers with thin tolerance for what is different instead of collaborating in multicellular groups. So yeah, fulfill your need for tribalism by joining an echo chamber, just like everyone lol.
2. People outside your tribe (or echo chamber if you're unlucky) are irrelevant. They don't acknowledge your worth and the usefulness of your skills or opinions. They won't share the fruit of their own skills and opinions with you (except to get glazed). Still, you should stay open in case you can form a connection. Evolutionary speaking, tribes have been shitting on each other since the Neolithic, and to this day, only the scale of the pockets of chaos and order have changed while the atrocity remains the same.
3. Therefore, decrease your expectations of being understood or sharing your tastes. In addition, the more you feel as an oddball, the more niche is your role. This means that you don't have to live in competition with another similar profile.
4. Any competitive feelings with peers is a dumb manipulation by education system and society. It's the sign that the person don't understand the principle of having different personalities and roles in life.
5. (Oral) debates suck ass. Papers are superior medium of communication and reasoning

In short, be yourself, don't harbor pointless expectations from others. School sucks because it shoves you in a overstuffed pot, cooking kids with competition instead of fostering admiration for the diversity of human strengths.

Noice. Ima look for ways to save this.

As long as you are self aware of the fact, you can still do things to mitigate your tendency to be narcissistic...its too unrealistic to change that, we are wired that way, but you can work on accepting others for the way they are...and try and limit how you react to others who dont let you be yourself.

One of the things I do is learn to listen to others without nessarily agreeing with them. Its a nearly lost art of active listening, withholding judgment for others arguments.

You may find your own echo chamber someday, but that is unlikely outside of reddit or some random forum. Manage your own expectations of others as they are more than likely unrealistic.

The same for your supposedly higher intelligence, the vast majority of people are average at best, and you fall into that group. Smart people dont need to claim they are smarter than others, they are already aware they are and do not need to prove it to anyone.

I know you are not directly claiming you are smarter, but you have alluded that you are by claiming your experiences have put you beyond others where you are from.

While traveling and studying abroad will broaden your horizons so to speak, we all gain life experiences just by living. I've been all over Europe, parts of North, Central and South America, Africa, and Asia. Does that make me smarter than my friend who never left our hometown? Not really, we have just had different life experiences.

I digress, I may have read more into your post than you intended, but since it sounded almost like a last ditch effort from someone about to end themselves, I wanted to engage with a bit, making sure you were okay, and that someone was listening.

Take care

This.

This is one of the reasons why I like sitting in front of screens.

I don't need to rely on dumb luck to find kind people like ya.

Thanks, appreciate it. I'll try applying your and the isekai bus guy's suggestions.

 

[owotrucked]

Noice. Ima look for ways to save this.

This.

This is one of the reasons why I like sitting in front of screens.

I don't need to rely on dumb luck to find kind people like ya.

Thanks, appreciate it. I'll try applying your and the isekai bus guy's suggestions.

Glad it helps.

It's a bit weird but where others may see narcissism, I see unfulfilled reciprocity (even if the terms of human interactions are never laid out explicitly).

Where others may feel like you're humble bragging about smartness, I see unfortunate consequences of public education. It's normal to build identity and judge everything through "intelligence" when you're solely judged through grade or income, as it's the only model you've been taught. Thus, it appears paradoxical that you don't feel acknowledged even though people acknowledge your "intelligence". That's why there was a need to form a new paradigm to build identity to find peace with yourself.

First, you have to be aware that evaluating worth through "intelligence" is flawed. If the number of neurons doesn't vary too much across humans, there's no reason for significant difference in overall total performance. The only thing that truly set people apart is where their attention and abilities are allocated.

Instead, you should see yourself as a healer surrounded by people with fighter class. Your worth is no longer something which existence is to be questioned, but something to be understood by others and synergized with. The bad news is that you now understand the inherent worth of different individuality because you personally suffered from alienation. The majority? Good luck pulling them out of the crab cage. It's like being a healer unable to find a party despite being in crowd of fighters who only know full DPS teams.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Losing Smith.

 

[Hoshino]

Its okay to be selfish, but not that too much, I suppose? Be yourself. That's the way-nya.