Looking for some feedback on my Viking story with a unusual twist :)

[Noughtical]

Hey! I am a new writer and have decided to begin my first series, One With The Enemy. The series can be described as a loosely historical piece as the majority of the characters and settings and era are taken inspiration from Vikings ect however, this story has a special twist to make it unique. Here is the basic synopsis:

After losing everything to a savage attack by the Gurons led by a man named Gudbrand Mortensen, William swears revenge as he is brutally cut down. Meanwhile, across the sea, on the other side of the world in Guron, a young prince called Halfdan, housed in Ardiham Castle, begins to have what is described as local doctors, increasingly strange and abnormal nightmares and visions.

One With The Vikings

After losing everything to a savage attack by the Gurons led by a man named Gudbrand Mortensen, William swears revenge as he is brutally cut down. Meanwhile, across the sea, on the other side of the world in Guron, a young prince called Halfdan, begins to have what is described...

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[Snowyflakes]

Hi!

I will tell you my opinion, splitting it into two: technicalities (grammar, phrasing, and so on) and from a reader's point of view (mixed with some knowledge as a writer). However, I want to mention that English is my second language, so keep that in mind. I also want to mention that I've read till the third chapter (including it).

Chapter 1

Technicalities

Spoiler

First of all, please replace all semicolons with periods.

Second of all, you don't need to use multiple exclamation marks to express one's frustration or other strong feelings (such as your case) or to show emphasis.

Here:

"Too slow", yelled the man before dropping the wooden training sword and placing his hands on his hips cloaked in armour,

The line 'placing his hands on his hips cloaked in armour' sounds somewhat awkward and forced. Maybe you could say something like: "Too slow," yelled the man in armor before dropping the wooden training sword and placing his hands on his hips.

Here:

"You would be dead if this were a real fight. You have really improved; you are far more agile than last time and could beat most men in the army!"

I understand what you meant, but it is not totally clear. Maybe you can rephrase it like this: 'You would be dead if this were a real fight. However, you have really improved since last time. You are far more agile and could beat most men in the army now.'

Here:

"But Sir, please, it's so boring on the farm; I don't want to end up like my Father!! I want to be of use and fight; I know we need fighters after last week's attack on that local mining town Thorpes," he replied out of desperation.

Maybe, you can say it like this: "But Sir, please! It's boring on the farm. I don't want to end up like my father!" said William in frustration, his face twisting, "I want to be useful and fight. I know we need fighters after last week's attack at the local mining town, Thorpes," he continued, despair visible on his face.

Here:

He picked up his Father, covered in manure and hay and tried to hold his weight to get him inside the house.

It seems a little forced and paced without a purpose. Maybe you can add a comma after 'and hay'?

Here:

"Put me down, Will; I'm fine, stop. I don't want Alina to see me like this..." slurred his Father as William closed the barn doors before turning to his Father, who had sat down on an old tree stump which he had once cut down.

Repeating the word 'father' twice is not actually necessary. You can say it like this: "slurred his father as William closed the barn doors before turning back to see him sitting down on an old tree stump which he had once cut down."

Here:

Picking up his Father, "You need to sort yourself out and stop drinking so much; mother needs you to help us both."

I mention this because it made me confused the first time I read it. You forgot to add something like: Picking up his father, he said harshly, "You need to sort yourself out and stop drinking so much; mother needs you to help us both."

Here:

Dropping his blacked-out Father on the floor, William hugged his Mother and went to his dark room lit only by a small candle on his cabinet.

I understand what you wanted to express here, but it is not totally clear. Maybe you can rephrase it like this: 'Leaving his blacked-out father to fall on the floor, William then hugged his mother before going to his room, lit only by a small candle placed on the cabinet.' or 'Leaving his unconscious father to fall on the floor, William then hugged his mother before going to his room. The only source of light aiding his sight came from a small candle placed on the cabinet.'

Here:

William laid back on his bed and stared at the wooden beams holding the thatched roof above his head, dreaming of a future he could have as an influential leader and warrior.

Again, I am mentioning this because it made me read it twice. Maybe you can rephrase it like this: 'dreaming of the future in which he was an influential leader and warrior.' or 'dreaming of the future he could have as an influential leader and warrior.'

Here:

William heard the usual shout from his Father to his Mother and then the inevitable smack and thud on the floor. A single tear escaped his eye but was quickly wiped away when he felt the cold, wet drop slide down his freckled cheek and the knocking at his door.

The way you wrote this doesn't match your past writing style. Maybe you can write the first phrase like this: 'William heard the usual fight between his parents, followed by an inevitable smack and a thud on the floor.' or 'As always, he heard his parents arguing, then the inevitable smack and thud on the floor.'

Here:

He was no man; he was a monster. He saw red.

I understand what you meant here, but it seems awkward. Maybe you can write it like this: 'His humanity was no more. He became a monster. He couldn't understand what was in front of him anymore, being able to perceive only the red shade of blood.'

Here:

"I forgive you, don't worry," William said as he comforted his Mother by putting his arm around her

It seems passive and superficial. Maybe you can describe his inner thoughts? Something like this, perhaps:
"Listening to the story, he could grasp both the sadness and the misery of his mother.
"I forgive you. Don't be bothered, mother," said William as he placed his arm around her waist, reassuring her."

There are other things I spotted, but for this chapter, I will stop. You get the idea.

From a reader's point of view

Spoiler

You've captivated me from the first paragraph. Although there was little information provided, I could grasp the actual situation and be curious about what comes up next, which is a big + for me.

The flow of action is good. While there were a few scenes in which the pacing was sped up, everything seemed to be in its place. The beautiful and unique way in which you've explained William's most ardent wish throughout the entire chapter added a + to the reading experience. It also helped in understanding his every action regarding his father and the warrior subject.

Worldbuilding - From the information you gave in this chapter, I could grasp the situation well enough. At least, the situation in which the MC was.

Characters - To me, the main character seemed to be determined and confident but still childish (which is what you wanted to express, I believe). The scenes with him, his father, and his mother were relevant for their relationship (giving me, as a reader, insight into what was going on between them). And the last scene with the warrior was good. Describing what happened when the army came, you managed to make me feel the need to flee, which is good. Immersion of the reader is a big +. Always.

Descriptions - I understand the lack of description regarding the places. This kind of information was not really necessary, so all is good. Although, you can improve when it comes to the character's feelings and thoughts. This would also help the reader understand certain things (what the character is experiencing, why he or she acts in a way, why he or she says something, and so on) much better.

Opening/ ending - The opening is good, with the few mentions from above (technicalities). It immersed me in the story from the beginning, given the fact that it offered relevant information about what was going on. The ending is good as well, making the reader curious about the next chapter. (Personal opinion: I think he transmuted into that man's son)

The pacing - Except for very few times, the pacing was consistent, not too fast or too slow.

Final thoughts - In the first chapter, the action was good and captivated me. Also, I believe that what happened so far is meaningful for what's to come in future chapters. You stated what the main character's goal is and his motivation for future action, and I liked it.

Chapter 2

Technicalities

Spoiler

I will not repeat what I said before. However, I want to mention something else. After you finish the dialogue, press the enter button if you move to the next idea. Example:

"Sorry, what did you say, Frida?" questioned Halfdan curiously, "Why am I in the middle of nowhere in the snow?" Confused, Frida crouched down next to him with a mystified look on her face,

It will look like this:

"Sorry, what did you say, Frida?" questioned Halfdan curiously, "Why am I in the middle of nowhere in the snow?"

Confused, Frida crouched down next to him with a mystified look on her face,

Here:

"Why am I in the middle of nowhere in the snow?"

The question is somewhat awkward. While I understand what you want to say, it is unclear. Maybe you could say something like: "Why am I in the snow? And where am I?" or "Where am I and why am I laying in the snow?".

Here:

"Yes, sir, here I'll help you; maybe you hurt it when training with your friends? I know how harsh they can be on you sometimes," assured Frida whilst putting her arm around him, holstering him up, allowing him to walk more accessible.

Again, while I understand what you want to say, the line 'maybe you hurt it when training' is not clear. Maybe you can rephrase it like this: "Maybe you got hurt while training with your friends."

Here:

Halfdan smiled and agreed as they arrived at the front gates to the grand castle of Dalhurst.

Entering through the gates, the familiar smell of the market square air entered his nose, giving Halfdan a warm and cosy feeling; he was home.

Repeating the word 'gates' doesn't sound good. Maybe, you can say it like this: "Halfdan smiled and agreed as they've arrived at the entrance to the grand castle of Dalhurst." and then continue with the other paragraph.

Here:

"I will don't worry, Frida. Is she up in her room?"

It seems a little forced and blunt. Maybe you can say it like this: After he nodded his head, he asked, "Is she up in her room?".

Here:

"If I can not be a strong warrior leader, I want to be strong in other ways, such as being one with my people."

The line 'such as being one with my people' seems forced. Maybe you can say it like this: "I want to be strong in other ways, such as understanding and aiding my people."

Here:

"Stupid boy, no wonder your father was so quickly willing to let you stay behind while boys your age went off to raid the coastal villages in Wintervale. Stepping back towards the shadows to hide a tear rolling down his cheek, he tried to compose himself before responding.

You forgot the second pair of ". Also, the last phrase seems somewhat awkward. Maybe you can say it like this: "Taking a step back in a darkened corner, he wiped a tear that was rolling down his cheek, trying to compose himself before responding."

There are other things I spotted, but for this chapter, I will stop. You get the idea.

From a reader's point of view

Spoiler

Although I expected him to be William, I was not disappointed. You've managed to give me, the reader, valuable information about the character's backstories in only two chapters, which is a big + in my perspective.

The flow of action is good. Unlike the first chapter, this one doesn't have scenes where the pacing was sped up. Also, I like that you showed us the character in two antagonistic situations - one with Frida and one with his mother.

Worldbuilding - From the information you gave in this chapter, I could grasp the situation well enough. Although I still don't know many things about the Guron nation, I am not bothered by it.

Characters - To me, the character seemed to be determined to become a good leader. However, he also appeared to be reluctant to do certain things due to his father's disapproval. At least, this is the impression I have. The scene with him and Frida was good. I came to know that he cares about other people and that he is fond of that woman. The scene with his mother is good as well. The dialogue seems to flow naturally and adds immersion to the story, which is a big +. Also, through the dialogue, you've managed to express the character's feelings and thoughts.

Descriptions - The descriptions of the places was satisfying, although not long.

Opening/ ending - The opening was meaningful, taking the first chapter into consideration. You chose the moment well. The ending was intriguing, making the reader curious about the next chapter. (Personal opinion: I think he saw William in the mirror.)

The pacing - The pacing was consistent, not too fast or too slow, making the entire action flow naturally.

Final thoughts - In the second chapter, the action was good but at a slower pace. Nevertheless, it was not boring, and it added something more to the story (and the plot), which is a +. Also, I liked that you described the character's feelings better than in the previous chapter.

Chapter 3

Technicalities

Spoiler

I will not repeat what I said before. However, I want to mention something else. There are certain places in which you've missed one word, and it makes the whole phrase (or sentence) confusing.

Here:

The main tried to speak but could only moan in what seemed like everlasting pain as Halfdan watched a pool of red begin to show on the man's chest. He could only watch as the man barely lifted his arm to point at Halfdan whilst falling onto one knee. Once again, he tried to speak, but blood spurted across Halfdans face making him jolt back and scream, causing a painful, searing pain to fire across his head. It all went black.

I understand what you want to say, but I think that, in this case, you could have said it in shorter sentences. Maybe you can rephrase the paragraph like this: "The man tried to speak, but only a prolonged moan of pain came out of his mouth. With wide eyes, Halfdan then saw how a stain of blood grew, spreading on the man's chest. He could only watch in silence and fear how the man barely lifted his arm in an attempt to point at him, falling onto one knee. He then tried, once again, to speak but to no avail. Blood spurted across Halfdans' face, making him jolt backward and scream in terror. This caused a painful, searing pain firing across his head. In a split second, it all went black."

Here:

His door opens, and a woman enters the room dressed in the castle's servant outfit; she instantly bowed and apologised lack being able to help.

Again, while I understand what you want to say, it took me two times to read it so I could properly comprehend it. Maybe you can say it like this: "His door opened, and a woman entered the room, dressed in the castle's servant outfit. She instantly bowed in front of him and apologized for not being able to help him."

Here:

Sigrid explained to Halfdan with a hint of sadness in her tone of voice.

You can scratch "of voice"; it would suffice to keep it like that.

Here:

"E- excuse me?" Halfdan spluttered, puzzled by her probing question.

I am confused. Which probing question? She previously said: "Don't listen to your mother."

There are other things I spotted, but for this chapter, I will stop. You get the idea.

From a reader's point of view

Spoiler

From my point of view, the action was meaningful to the story. Again, even though the pacing is a little bit slower, you haven't bored me, as a reader, with insignificant details, which is a + for me.

The flow of action is good. I liked the fact that you had continuity while moving from one scene to another.

Worldbuilding - From the information you gave in this chapter, I could get a hint of who was in the mirror (William). Also, it gave me another significant piece of information about this Halfdan.

Characters - As I mentioned above, I was able to see another characteristic of Halfdan; that he is naive. Which is not a bad thing but good to know. Sigrid seemed to be calculated and well-behaved. And I liked that she wanted to encourage him, although this is not very common amongst the servants while speaking with their master.

Descriptions - The descriptions were exactly on point. Also, it made me immerse in the story and feel Halfdan's terror while witnessing the man from the mirror, his relief when Singrid wiped his face with the towel, and his frustration at while training.

Opening/ ending - The opening was meaningful, and I liked that it was followed by an amazing scene (Halfdan facing William). The ending was intriguing, making the reader curious about the next chapter.

The pacing - The pacing was consistent, not too fast or too slow, making the entire action flow naturally.

Final thoughts - In the third chapter, the action was amazing, especially at the beginning of the chapter. What I liked the most in this chapter was the way you described the character's feelings.

Final thoughts about everything - When it comes to technicalities, your work reminded me of the way I first wrote my chapters. The story is interesting, and the action is meaningful for the plot. However, the grammar, the phrasing, the way of expressing feelings, and so on could be improved a lot. I like the way you introduce your characters. And, in my opinion the plot is interesting and captivating.

 

[Noughtical]

Hi!

I will tell you my opinion, splitting it into two: technicalities (grammar, phrasing, and so on) and from a reader's point of view (mixed with some knowledge as a writer). However, I want to mention that English is my second language, so keep that in mind. I also want to mention that I've read till the third chapter (including it).

Chapter 1

Technicalities

Spoiler

First of all, please replace all semicolons with periods.

Second of all, you don't need to use multiple exclamation marks to express one's frustration or other strong feelings (such as your case) or to show emphasis.

Here:



The line 'placing his hands on his hips cloaked in armour' sounds somewhat awkward and forced. Maybe you could say something like: "Too slow," yelled the man in armor before dropping the wooden training sword and placing his hands on his hips.

Here:



I understand what you meant, but it is not totally clear. Maybe you can rephrase it like this: 'You would be dead if this were a real fight. However, you have really improved since last time. You are far more agile and could beat most men in the army now.'

Here:



Maybe, you can say it like this: "But Sir, please! It's boring on the farm. I don't want to end up like my father!" said William in frustration, his face twisting, "I want to be useful and fight. I know we need fighters after last week's attack at the local mining town, Thorpes," he continued, despair visible on his face.

Here:



It seems a little forced and paced without a purpose. Maybe you can add a comma after 'and hay'?

Here:



Repeating the word 'father' twice is not actually necessary. You can say it like this: "slurred his father as William closed the barn doors before turning back to see him sitting down on an old tree stump which he had once cut down."

Here:



I mention this because it made me confused the first time I read it. You forgot to add something like: Picking up his father, he said harshly, "You need to sort yourself out and stop drinking so much; mother needs you to help us both."

Here:



I understand what you wanted to express here, but it is not totally clear. Maybe you can rephrase it like this: 'Leaving his blacked-out father to fall on the floor, William then hugged his mother before going to his room, lit only by a small candle placed on the cabinet.' or 'Leaving his unconscious father to fall on the floor, William then hugged his mother before going to his room. The only source of light aiding his sight came from a small candle placed on the cabinet.'

Here:



Again, I am mentioning this because it made me read it twice. Maybe you can rephrase it like this: 'dreaming of the future in which he was an influential leader and warrior.' or 'dreaming of the future he could have as an influential leader and warrior.'

Here:



The way you wrote this doesn't match your past writing style. Maybe you can write the first phrase like this: 'William heard the usual fight between his parents, followed by an inevitable smack and a thud on the floor.' or 'As always, he heard his parents arguing, then the inevitable smack and thud on the floor.'

Here:



I understand what you meant here, but it seems awkward. Maybe you can write it like this: 'His humanity was no more. He became a monster. He couldn't understand what was in front of him anymore, being able to perceive only the red shade of blood.'

Here:


It seems passive and superficial. Maybe you can describe his inner thoughts? Something like this, perhaps:
"Listening to the story, he could grasp both the sadness and the misery of his mother.
"I forgive you. Don't be bothered, mother," said William as he placed his arm around her waist, reassuring her."

There are other things I spotted, but for this chapter, I will stop. You get the idea.

From a reader's point of view

Spoiler

You've captivated me from the first paragraph. Although there was little information provided, I could grasp the actual situation and be curious about what comes up next, which is a big + for me.

The flow of action is good. While there were a few scenes in which the pacing was sped up, everything seemed to be in its place. The beautiful and unique way in which you've explained William's most ardent wish throughout the entire chapter added a + to the reading experience. It also helped in understanding his every action regarding his father and the warrior subject.

Worldbuilding - From the information you gave in this chapter, I could grasp the situation well enough. At least, the situation in which the MC was.

Characters - To me, the main character seemed to be determined and confident but still childish (which is what you wanted to express, I believe). The scenes with him, his father, and his mother were relevant for their relationship (giving me, as a reader, insight into what was going on between them). And the last scene with the warrior was good. Describing what happened when the army came, you managed to make me feel the need to flee, which is good. Immersion of the reader is a big +. Always.

Descriptions - I understand the lack of description regarding the places. This kind of information was not really necessary, so all is good. Although, you can improve when it comes to the character's feelings and thoughts. This would also help the reader understand certain things (what the character is experiencing, why he or she acts in a way, why he or she says something, and so on) much better.

Opening/ ending - The opening is good, with the few mentions from above (technicalities). It immersed me in the story from the beginning, given the fact that it offered relevant information about what was going on. The ending is good as well, making the reader curious about the next chapter. (Personal opinion: I think he transmuted into that man's son)

The pacing - Except for very few times, the pacing was consistent, not too fast or too slow.

Final thoughts - In the first chapter, the action was good and captivated me. Also, I believe that what happened so far is meaningful for what's to come in future chapters. You stated what the main character's goal is and his motivation for future action, and I liked it.

Chapter 2

Technicalities

Spoiler

I will not repeat what I said before. However, I want to mention something else. After you finish the dialogue, press the enter button if you move to the next idea. Example:



It will look like this:




Here:



The question is somewhat awkward. While I understand what you want to say, it is unclear. Maybe you could say something like: "Why am I in the snow? And where am I?" or "Where am I and why am I laying in the snow?".

Here:



Again, while I understand what you want to say, the line 'maybe you hurt it when training' is not clear. Maybe you can rephrase it like this: "Maybe you got hurt while training with your friends."

Here:



Repeating the word 'gates' doesn't sound good. Maybe, you can say it like this: "Halfdan smiled and agreed as they've arrived at the entrance to the grand castle of Dalhurst." and then continue with the other paragraph.

Here:



It seems a little forced and blunt. Maybe you can say it like this: After he nodded his head, he asked, "Is she up in her room?".

Here:



The line 'such as being one with my people' seems forced. Maybe you can say it like this: "I want to be strong in other ways, such as understanding and aiding my people."

Here:



You forgot the second pair of ". Also, the last phrase seems somewhat awkward. Maybe you can say it like this: "Taking a step back in a darkened corner, he wiped a tear that was rolling down his cheek, trying to compose himself before responding."

There are other things I spotted, but for this chapter, I will stop. You get the idea.

From a reader's point of view

Spoiler

Although I expected him to be William, I was not disappointed. You've managed to give me, the reader, valuable information about the character's backstories in only two chapters, which is a big + in my perspective.

The flow of action is good. Unlike the first chapter, this one doesn't have scenes where the pacing was sped up. Also, I like that you showed us the character in two antagonistic situations - one with Frida and one with his mother.

Worldbuilding - From the information you gave in this chapter, I could grasp the situation well enough. Although I still don't know many things about the Guron nation, I am not bothered by it.

Characters - To me, the character seemed to be determined to become a good leader. However, he also appeared to be reluctant to do certain things due to his father's disapproval. At least, this is the impression I have. The scene with him and Frida was good. I came to know that he cares about other people and that he is fond of that woman. The scene with his mother is good as well. The dialogue seems to flow naturally and adds immersion to the story, which is a big +. Also, through the dialogue, you've managed to express the character's feelings and thoughts.

Descriptions - The descriptions of the places was satisfying, although not long.

Opening/ ending - The opening was meaningful, taking the first chapter into consideration. You chose the moment well. The ending was intriguing, making the reader curious about the next chapter. (Personal opinion: I think he saw William in the mirror.)

The pacing - The pacing was consistent, not too fast or too slow, making the entire action flow naturally.

Final thoughts - In the second chapter, the action was good but at a slower pace. Nevertheless, it was not boring, and it added something more to the story (and the plot), which is a +. Also, I liked that you described the character's feelings better than in the previous chapter.

Chapter 3

Technicalities

Spoiler

I will not repeat what I said before. However, I want to mention something else. There are certain places in which you've missed one word, and it makes the whole phrase (or sentence) confusing.

Here:



I understand what you want to say, but I think that, in this case, you could have said it in shorter sentences. Maybe you can rephrase the paragraph like this: "The man tried to speak, but only a prolonged moan of pain came out of his mouth. With wide eyes, Halfdan then saw how a stain of blood grew, spreading on the man's chest. He could only watch in silence and fear how the man barely lifted his arm in an attempt to point at him, falling onto one knee. He then tried, once again, to speak but to no avail. Blood spurted across Halfdans' face, making him jolt backward and scream in terror. This caused a painful, searing pain firing across his head. In a split second, it all went black."

Here:



Again, while I understand what you want to say, it took me two times to read it so I could properly comprehend it. Maybe you can say it like this: "His door opened, and a woman entered the room, dressed in the castle's servant outfit. She instantly bowed in front of him and apologized for not being able to help him."

Here:



You can scratch "of voice"; it would suffice to keep it like that.

Here:



I am confused. Which probing question? She previously said: "Don't listen to your mother."

There are other things I spotted, but for this chapter, I will stop. You get the idea.

From a reader's point of view

Spoiler

From my point of view, the action was meaningful to the story. Again, even though the pacing is a little bit slower, you haven't bored me, as a reader, with insignificant details, which is a + for me.

The flow of action is good. I liked the fact that you had continuity while moving from one scene to another.

Worldbuilding - From the information you gave in this chapter, I could get a hint of who was in the mirror (William). Also, it gave me another significant piece of information about this Halfdan.

Characters - As I mentioned above, I was able to see another characteristic of Halfdan; that he is naive. Which is not a bad thing but good to know. Sigrid seemed to be calculated and well-behaved. And I liked that she wanted to encourage him, although this is not very common amongst the servants while speaking with their master.

Descriptions - The descriptions were exactly on point. Also, it made me immerse in the story and feel Halfdan's terror while witnessing the man from the mirror, his relief when Singrid wiped his face with the towel, and his frustration at while training.

Opening/ ending - The opening was meaningful, and I liked that it was followed by an amazing scene (Halfdan facing William). The ending was intriguing, making the reader curious about the next chapter.

The pacing - The pacing was consistent, not too fast or too slow, making the entire action flow naturally.

Final thoughts - In the third chapter, the action was amazing, especially at the beginning of the chapter. What I liked the most in this chapter was the way you described the character's feelings.

Final thoughts about everything - When it comes to technicalities, your work reminded me of the way I first wrote my chapters. The story is interesting, and the action is meaningful for the plot. However, the grammar, the phrasing, the way of expressing feelings, and so on could be improved a lot. I like the way you introduce your characters. And, in my opinion the plot is interesting and captivating.

Thank you very much for your review, this is my very first story I have every really attempted to write so I am looking for any feedback I can! Thank you for your response Ill take it forward and look to improve my work! If I were to ask, what would you give it out of 5 for a first attempt and start to a much larger story I am writing currently?

 

[Snowyflakes]

Thank you very much for your review, this is my very first story I have every really attempted to write so I am looking for any feedback I can! Thank you for your response Ill take it forward and look to improve my work! If I were to ask, what would you give it out of 5 for a first attempt and start to a much larger story I am writing currently?

It depends. I usually don't like rating a book while taking everything into consideration. After all, each writer has their own writing style and idea about how much she or he should reveal about worldbuilding from the start.
So, having in mind what I just said, I would say it like this:

• Based on the story, the storyline, the plot, the action, the flow of action, the worldbuilding, the characters, the tensions and relationships between characters, and so on (I hope you understand what I mean), I would personally rate it as a 5.
• Based on its technicalities, with the writing style, the descriptions of places, the descriptions of characters, the descriptions of characters’ feelings and thoughts, the grammar, the phrasing, and so on (you understand what I mean), I would personally rate it as 2.5. Let me explain why. I like your writing style (because I could understand what you wanted to express, and the way you pick certain words to describe different elements makes sense, sounds good, and explains those elements well; basically, you know how to pick and place your words ). So, you have a 5. However, there are still many little things that can prevent other readers from fully comprehending what you wrote. So, I subtract about 2.5 points from the total because it is important for the readers to understand what you want to convey. And (arithmetic ) it gives us a final of 2.5.

I hope it makes sense.

 

[Noughtical]

It depends. I usually don't like rating a book while taking everything into consideration. After all, each writer has their own writing style and idea about how much she or he should reveal about worldbuilding from the start.
So, having in mind what I just said, I would say it like this:

• Based on the story, the storyline, the plot, the action, the flow of action, the worldbuilding, the characters, the tensions and relationships between characters, and so on (I hope you understand what I mean), I would personally rate it as a 5.
• Based on its technicalities, with the writing style, the descriptions of places, the descriptions of characters, the descriptions of characters’ feelings and thoughts, the grammar, the phrasing, and so on (you understand what I mean), I would personally rate it as 2.5. Let me explain why. I like your writing style (because I could understand what you wanted to express, and the way you pick certain words to describe different elements makes sense, sounds good, and explains those elements well; basically, you know how to pick and place your words ). So, you have a 5. However, there are still many little things that can prevent other readers from fully comprehending what you wrote. So, I subtract about 2.5 points from the total because it is important for the readers to understand what you want to convey. And (arithmetic ) it gives us a final of 2.5.

I hope it makes sense.

Thanks yeah that makes sense, so basically I need to improve my grammar and phrasing and that would greatly improve the reading experience and overall score?

 

[Snowyflakes]

Thanks yeah that makes sense, so basically I need to improve my grammar and phrasing and that would greatly improve the reading experience and overall score?

In my opinion, yes. The starting idea is good and quite captivating, in my perspective, and the way you handle the descriptions, the characters, the flow of action, and other relevant aspects that make me, as a reader, want to read your book is impressive. At least I like it. And I see the potential of your story. There are numerous elements that you could fit in or add to the story that would make it more interesting. Not to mention the development of all characters already mentioned and their relationships with one another.

 

[Noughtical]

Alright well I will get on doing that! Thank you for all the feedback :)

 

[Snowyflakes]

Alright well I will get on doing that! Thank you for all the feedback :)

You're welcome! Hope I was of help. Edit: Also, if you don't understand something I said in my first reply, don't hesitate to message me. I would gladly give you an additional explanation.

 

[Noughtical]

You're welcome! Hope I was of help. Edit: Also, if you don't understand something I said in my first reply, don't hesitate to message me. I would gladly give you an additional explanation.

Thank you and yeah I just read your "edited" comment and I was wondering, I have just gone through the first chapter quickly and replaced every ";" and replaced them with the appropriate period. Is this what you meant? (I am planning on rephrasing and rewriting certain parts so ignore those for now)
Thanks :)

 

[Snowyflakes]

Thank you and yeah I just read your "edited" comment and I was wondering, I have just gone through the first chapter quickly and replaced every ";" and replaced them with the appropriate period. Is this what you meant? (I am planning on rephrasing and rewriting certain parts so ignore those for now)
Thanks :)

Yes (I checked). In my opinion, it looks better now, and it's easier to read . As a side note, maybe this could help you out: In short, a semicolon is used to add two independent but closely related clauses, while a period indicates the end of a sentence (and in the case of abbreviations, which I didn't see in your case).