Okay so, jokes aside. I've been asking for some feedback in all those 'free feedback threads' but... Let's, uh, let's be honest.
The guys take forever.
As in, "It's been two weeks and I haven't heard sh*t about them" forever.
So, any kind soul that feels in the mood to do some fair criticizing?
PD: Fair = no "Yur story suks cuz Iulz" or "Bruh, I give it a one out of ten, I just don't feel it." I mean an impartial review, even if it's a very basic one.
Dude, humans are technically incapable of being impartial.
Shut up.
As a user of those 'free feedback threads' myself, I understand that feeling so I decided to check your story out
From the way you write, it is evident that you have a good grasp on English which is great! However, I feel like you have a tendency to write run-on sentences - especially in your descriptions. You know the saying of 'show, not tell'? What you're doing in first few chapters is telling the reader too much descriptions to the point of overwhelming. I'll just give an example here from Chapter 1:
Lawrence scoped a pot of mayonnaise and a carton of milk, out of the fridge, then waltzed to a nearby counter from which a basket with several bars of bread hung taking one and leaving everything in a cutting board.
This can work if you're writing a screenplay for a movie - but not really for a story. You're
telling the reader that Lawrence is doing this series of actions, along with some fanciful descriptions like 'waltzed'. This creates kind of a superficial connection between the reader and your main character (at least for me), which isn't too good for your first chapter.
What you can try is separating the actions into their own sentences first, then add in Lawrence's thoughts/expressions/feelings to create a more immersive scene. Something like this:
Stifling a tired yawn, Lawrence scooped a pot of mayonnaise and a carton of milk out of the fridge, enjoying the cooling sensation of cold air brushing against his hand before shutting the fridge door. He hugged them close to his chest as he waltzed to a nearby counter. Taking one bar of bread from a hanging basket, he tossed the ingredients on a cutting board and began the mundane preparation of breakfast.
This is just one of the many run-on sentences that I found. It's good to have plenty of descriptions (in fact, I suffer from writing too little descriptions in my own stories), but spamming them in a single sentence isn't too ideal too. My feedback skills isn't too polished either so take my word with a grain of salt
enjoy your stay in SH!
