Looking for feedback on my first Scribble Hub novel

[Villager_A]

Hi everyone, regular NPC Villager A here, and I'm seeking feedback on my romcom novel attempt.

Link:

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2245921/barrys-bad-luck/

Feedback type: How was the pacing? Was it easy to read? And how is my main character as the narrator, since almost the entire story is in his POV.

Extra notes:

• The story is about a boy with extraordinarily bad luck who has to deal with it his entire life, and things come to a head when he falls in love and even that gets sabotaged by his luck.
• Beyond just the romance side, I sprinkle in various everyday situations where his bad luck inconveniences him, which also builds into his character.
• This story is structured into story arcs of 3-4 chapters, each focusing on a particular girl and rival. The only constants are the main character and the best friend, who age as the story goes along. Optional: some prior characters make cameos but the main focus per arc is always the girl and the romance.
• Related to the previous point, I posted the story with the full first arc for now.
• The story starts at middle school and it will go all the way to the end of high school.
• Lastly, I've already mapped the ending, but I'm taking things slow for now.

 

[TheIcMan]

Kamijou Touma combined with Katsuragi Keima?

 

[TinaMigarlo]

Okay. Romance and Rom-com ain't my main deal.
But, yet another new member showing up. "Hey! Tell me what you think!"
Things you did right, before I read word one...
you posted it in the feedback section, which seems to put you at the head of the pack.
(usually they stick it somewhere else, I'm going to make a training video with you. lol)

Let's start with my impression of the title.
Barry's Bad Luck.
I instantly know some basic premise.
Barry, and he's going to be some lovable goof or a try-hard sad sack.

The tiny thing I *don't* like about the title...
I like (love, lol) the alliteration of "Barry's Bad", but... the "Luck" just stops it cold.
In my head, saying it many times fast? "Bad Luck Barry, Bad Luck Barry, Bad Luck Barry" seems to really roll off the tongue.

So. Chapter one.
------------------------
wow.
everything seems well crafted. No obvious spelling or grammar errors.
some sort of a polish to it all.
No info dumping in this first chapter.
dialogue isn't the easiest thing to do, and you seem to do it effortlessly.
I don't even personally like this genre, and I still get a little movie in my head reading.
there ain't *no* way this is your first attempt at writing.
great job, OP.

now. You did ask specific questions, let's get to those...
---How was the pacing?
I didn't get any weirdness to the movie in my head. so it must be fine.

---Was it easy to read?
Yes. Young girls that can read will have no problems following along.
But it isn't obvious that its been toned down for younger readers, so it keeps its smoothness

---And how is my main character as the narrator, since almost the entire story is in his POV.
I don't concern myself with specifics. I just... r-e-a-d.
if the movie in my head appears? all good.
if the movie stutters, that's bad. Yours has no stutters, so again, all good.

Me? I worry about three things. Writing quality, smoothness, flow.
it works or it doesn't. you? This works.

EDITOR'S NOTE: you asked about POV and what seems to be some kind of narrative question.
I'm not qualified to answer that. But, I know someone who IS. Watch. I'm going to summon?
"...the Oracle"
@Eldoria
The Oracle? knows all, and will conduct a little "Ted Talk" on what I call "Narrative calculus".
that's *if* the Oracle shows up. The oracle is busy, you have to pray and wish.
the Oracle can make sure you handled your ninth person with fifth person derivative properly.

barring anything else, based on chapter one? Great job.

Okay. Romance and Rom-com ain't my main deal.
But, yet another new member showing up. "Hey! Tell me what you think!"
Things you did right, before I read word one...
you posted it in the feedback section, which seems to put you at the head of the pack.
(usually they stick it somewhere else, I'm going to make a training video with you. lol)

Let's start with my impression of the title.
Barry's Bad Luck.
I instantly know some basic premise.
Barry, and he's going to be some lovable goof or a try-hard sad sack.

The tiny thing I *don't* like about the title...
I like (love, lol) the alliteration of "Barry's Bad", but... the "Luck" just stops it cold.
In my head, saying it many times fast? "Bad Luck Barry, Bad Luck Barry, Bad Luck Barry" seems to really roll off the tongue.

So. Chapter one.
------------------------
wow.
everything seems well crafted. No obvious spelling or grammar errors.
some sort of a polish to it all.
No info dumping in this first chapter.
dialogue isn't the easiest thing to do, and you seem to do it effortlessly.
I don't even personally like this genre, and I still get a little movie in my head reading.
there ain't *no* way this is your first attempt at writing.
great job, OP.

now. You did ask specific questions, let's get to those...
---How was the pacing?
I didn't get any weirdness to the movie in my head. so it must be fine.

---Was it easy to read?
Yes. Young girls that can read will have no problems following along.
But it isn't obvious that its been toned down for younger readers, so it keeps its smoothness

---And how is my main character as the narrator, since almost the entire story is in his POV.
I don't concern myself with specifics. I just... r-e-a-d.
if the movie in my head appears? all good.
if the movie stutters, that's bad. Yours has no stutters, so again, all good.

Me? I worry about three things. Writing quality, smoothness, flow.
it works or it doesn't. you? This works.

EDITOR'S NOTE: you asked about POV and what seems to be some kind of narrative question.
I'm not qualified to answer that. But, I know someone who IS. Watch. I'm going to summon?
"...the Oracle"
@Eldoria
The Oracle? knows all, and will conduct a little "Ted Talk" on what I call "Narrative calculus".
that's *if* the Oracle shows up. The oracle is busy, you have to pray and wish.
the Oracle can make sure you handled your ninth person with fifth person derivative properly.

barring anything else, based on chapter one? Great job.

Sh!t
I'm an idiot
I clicked on the last chapter, not the first.
so I read the (cafeteria) not the opening chapter.
screw it... I have to read another chapter...

Chapter 1-1
its still got that "cafeteria" polish.
A rich blend of what I have come to call "real paragraphs" with some "one sentence" thud-lines, for emphasis.
Nice.
tiny niggle?
most periods of ellipsis (...) can be eliminated and replaced by a comma, a period, etc etc.
you don't have ellipsis-itis, but watch it.
Hey, I had to fight to come up with something, you;re good at this.
(and if you read my work? you're seeing my own "ellipsis-itis" I have since learned to cure. I'm in the process of editing it all out.)
every once in a while, I get a *very* slight stutter.
the girl says "what is up with that teacher" and It seems off. "What's up with that teacher" to me sounds more normal for a middle-schooler.
some english teachers teach/preach to not use contractions, ignore that in creative writing and go for what flows smooth-est.

Chapter 1-2
Hm. You suddenly shifted to single sentence paragraphs.
I'm sad.
I'm seeing you're in danger of falling into ellipsis-itis.
Chapter 1-1 and chapter 1-3 have this slow, even, smooth, pacing.
this chapter, shifted to quick pace. Single sentences come and go. quick.

I'm in love with 1-1 and 1-3. warm and expressive.
1-2 is somehow different. clips and rushes.
maybe that's intentional.
PS - I gave 1-1 and 1-3 a heart (like)

overall, I have soft spot in my heart for the sad-sack MC
who can't help but cheer for the underdog. lovable goof.
when the pacing is slow, smooth, even... its got the magic. (1-1 and 1-3)
when it starts to rip! along (1-2) I feel like I'm being tugged along at the wrist by an adult to hurry up.
when you use paragraphs and all dialogue, its got the magic.

 

[Villager_A]

Kamijou Touma combined with Katsuragi Keima?

Touma if he causes the girls to not like him back, so the opposite of Katsuragi actually.

 

[Eldoria]

Feedback type: How was the pacing? Was it easy to read? And how is my main character as the narrator, since almost the entire story is in his POV

I won’t beat around the bush, dude. Honestly, as a casual reader, I’m fairly convinced that your first chapter (the prologue?) suffers from what I’d call "diary syndrome". What is that?

It’s the first POV where the narrator acts as a heavy exposition dump, explaining characters, worldbuilding, plot, and conflict directly in a blank space, as if you’re venting in a diary. How do I know? Just look at your narration.

First, your protagonist introduces himself to the reader: “My name is Bartholomew Lautner, but everyone calls me Barry...”

You’re narrating this inside the narrator’s mind as if you’re writing a diary entry. I also find this kind of introduction disruptive. Why?

Because your narration consciously breaks my immersion. When your narration greets your reader through the protagonist’s introduction, it implicitly dismantles the hypnotic effect of immersion, it reminds me that I’m 'reading' a story, not 'experiencing' it.

This is bad practice, dude. In the first POV, your goal is to hypnotize the reader into 'feeling' like they are the “I". Your reader should 'become' the narrator. You should be narrating the subjective experience of the “I” so the reader can feel it.

In this context, character introduction should happen organically through action, dialogue, and atmosphere, not through direct exposition from the narrator.

Second, your narration explicitly gives exposition about the protagonist’s misfortune: "My bad luck is on a league of its own."

This feels like someone venting about their fate in a diary. Instead of telling us the character is unlucky, you should show how that misfortune manifests through interaction with the world. Show him waking up late, missing the train, being forced to spend both his allowance and savings on a taxi, ending up broke, arriving late at school, and getting punished by standing in the hallway. That way, readers can interpret that he’s unlucky without the narrator saying, “I’m unlucky.”

Do you get what I mean? I’m being quite nitpicky here. Why? Because your premise is about an unlucky protagonist. If you fail to make the reader 'feel' that misfortune, then your story fails to deliver on its core premise. Misfortune is the heart of your story. You need to make your reader 'experience' it so they can actually care about the protagonist.

Third, your narration explains other characters’ personalities through exposition: “...Melissa Madison. Picture-perfect star student, gets along well with everyone, now part of the student council."

Instead of telling your reader, you should present organic interactions between the protagonist and that character. Show how she talks, behaves, and acts. Let the reader interpret her personality through those interactions.

Fourth, your flashback structure is messy. From the middle to the end of the chapter, you insert a flashback just to show their interaction. Worse, the transition is narrated explicitly with something like: “Oh, and I guess some context is in order."

As a reader, this made me cringe. It made me even more aware that I was reading a pre-written diary rather than being the “I” in the story.

I don’t have a problem with flashbacks, but the way you present them feels like someone recounting events in a diary. If you want to include a flashback, you should embed it organically. For example, have the protagonist sit in class, drift into thought, and let his mind wander to the past, then transition into the flashback naturally from there.

Overall, Chapter 1 is still trapped in diary syndrome. I wouldn’t mind if your fiction was a diary. But your synopsis clearly sets the expectation of a romcom centered on an unlucky protagonist. The story should focus on how that misfortune creates absurd conflicts in his romantic life.

So how do you avoid diary syndrome in your first POV? Simple: narrate the “I” living in the present. Show your protagonist experiencing life in real time. Let him breathe in the present moment, interact organically with the world and other characters.

Avoid info-dumping through narration and reduce meta commentary. If meta commentary appears, it should arise naturally from the protagonist’s interaction with the world within the plot.

Alright, it wouldn’t be fair if I only criticized your work. In short, your story actually has a "pretty interesting premise" regarding an unlucky protagonist in both life and romance. I appreciate that you’re trying to take an authentic approach instead of relying on fan service to attract readers.

Lastly, your title isn’t SEO-friendly or reader-friendly, dude. Don’t use a single quotation mark (') in your title, it makes indexing harder. You might want to revise it to be cleaner without changing the substance. For example: "Barry the Unlucky Boy: A Tale of Comedy Romance in School."

That way, your title becomes easier to read, highlights the uniqueness of your premise, and works better as a promotional tool.

Alright, that’s my feedback.

Regards.