Looking for feedback on my first Scribble Hub novel

[Villager_A]

Hi everyone, regular NPC Villager A here, and I'm seeking feedback on my romcom novel attempt.

Link:

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2245921/barrys-bad-luck/

Feedback type: How was the pacing? Was it easy to read? And how is my main character as the narrator, since almost the entire story is in his POV.

Extra notes:

• The story is about a boy with extraordinarily bad luck who has to deal with it his entire life, and things come to a head when he falls in love and even that gets sabotaged by his luck.
• Beyond just the romance side, I sprinkle in various everyday situations where his bad luck inconveniences him, which also builds into his character.
• This story is structured into story arcs of 3-4 chapters, each focusing on a particular girl and rival. The only constants are the main character and the best friend, who age as the story goes along. Optional: some prior characters make cameos but the main focus per arc is always the girl and the romance.
• Related to the previous point, I posted the story with the full first arc for now.
• The story starts at middle school and it will go all the way to the end of high school.
• Lastly, I've already mapped the ending, but I'm taking things slow for now.

 

[TheIcMan]

Kamijou Touma combined with Katsuragi Keima?

 

[TinaMigarlo]

Okay. Romance and Rom-com ain't my main deal.
But, yet another new member showing up. "Hey! Tell me what you think!"
Things you did right, before I read word one...
you posted it in the feedback section, which seems to put you at the head of the pack.
(usually they stick it somewhere else, I'm going to make a training video with you. lol)

Let's start with my impression of the title.
Barry's Bad Luck.
I instantly know some basic premise.
Barry, and he's going to be some lovable goof or a try-hard sad sack.

The tiny thing I *don't* like about the title...
I like (love, lol) the alliteration of "Barry's Bad", but... the "Luck" just stops it cold.
In my head, saying it many times fast? "Bad Luck Barry, Bad Luck Barry, Bad Luck Barry" seems to really roll off the tongue.

So. Chapter one.
------------------------
wow.
everything seems well crafted. No obvious spelling or grammar errors.
some sort of a polish to it all.
No info dumping in this first chapter.
dialogue isn't the easiest thing to do, and you seem to do it effortlessly.
I don't even personally like this genre, and I still get a little movie in my head reading.
there ain't *no* way this is your first attempt at writing.
great job, OP.

now. You did ask specific questions, let's get to those...
---How was the pacing?
I didn't get any weirdness to the movie in my head. so it must be fine.

---Was it easy to read?
Yes. Young girls that can read will have no problems following along.
But it isn't obvious that its been toned down for younger readers, so it keeps its smoothness

---And how is my main character as the narrator, since almost the entire story is in his POV.
I don't concern myself with specifics. I just... r-e-a-d.
if the movie in my head appears? all good.
if the movie stutters, that's bad. Yours has no stutters, so again, all good.

Me? I worry about three things. Writing quality, smoothness, flow.
it works or it doesn't. you? This works.

EDITOR'S NOTE: you asked about POV and what seems to be some kind of narrative question.
I'm not qualified to answer that. But, I know someone who IS. Watch. I'm going to summon?
"...the Oracle"
@Eldoria
The Oracle? knows all, and will conduct a little "Ted Talk" on what I call "Narrative calculus".
that's *if* the Oracle shows up. The oracle is busy, you have to pray and wish.
the Oracle can make sure you handled your ninth person with fifth person derivative properly.

barring anything else, based on chapter one? Great job.

Okay. Romance and Rom-com ain't my main deal.
But, yet another new member showing up. "Hey! Tell me what you think!"
Things you did right, before I read word one...
you posted it in the feedback section, which seems to put you at the head of the pack.
(usually they stick it somewhere else, I'm going to make a training video with you. lol)

Let's start with my impression of the title.
Barry's Bad Luck.
I instantly know some basic premise.
Barry, and he's going to be some lovable goof or a try-hard sad sack.

The tiny thing I *don't* like about the title...
I like (love, lol) the alliteration of "Barry's Bad", but... the "Luck" just stops it cold.
In my head, saying it many times fast? "Bad Luck Barry, Bad Luck Barry, Bad Luck Barry" seems to really roll off the tongue.

So. Chapter one.
------------------------
wow.
everything seems well crafted. No obvious spelling or grammar errors.
some sort of a polish to it all.
No info dumping in this first chapter.
dialogue isn't the easiest thing to do, and you seem to do it effortlessly.
I don't even personally like this genre, and I still get a little movie in my head reading.
there ain't *no* way this is your first attempt at writing.
great job, OP.

now. You did ask specific questions, let's get to those...
---How was the pacing?
I didn't get any weirdness to the movie in my head. so it must be fine.

---Was it easy to read?
Yes. Young girls that can read will have no problems following along.
But it isn't obvious that its been toned down for younger readers, so it keeps its smoothness

---And how is my main character as the narrator, since almost the entire story is in his POV.
I don't concern myself with specifics. I just... r-e-a-d.
if the movie in my head appears? all good.
if the movie stutters, that's bad. Yours has no stutters, so again, all good.

Me? I worry about three things. Writing quality, smoothness, flow.
it works or it doesn't. you? This works.

EDITOR'S NOTE: you asked about POV and what seems to be some kind of narrative question.
I'm not qualified to answer that. But, I know someone who IS. Watch. I'm going to summon?
"...the Oracle"
@Eldoria
The Oracle? knows all, and will conduct a little "Ted Talk" on what I call "Narrative calculus".
that's *if* the Oracle shows up. The oracle is busy, you have to pray and wish.
the Oracle can make sure you handled your ninth person with fifth person derivative properly.

barring anything else, based on chapter one? Great job.

Sh!t
I'm an idiot
I clicked on the last chapter, not the first.
so I read the (cafeteria) not the opening chapter.
screw it... I have to read another chapter...

Chapter 1-1
its still got that "cafeteria" polish.
A rich blend of what I have come to call "real paragraphs" with some "one sentence" thud-lines, for emphasis.
Nice.
tiny niggle?
most periods of ellipsis (...) can be eliminated and replaced by a comma, a period, etc etc.
you don't have ellipsis-itis, but watch it.
Hey, I had to fight to come up with something, you;re good at this.
(and if you read my work? you're seeing my own "ellipsis-itis" I have since learned to cure. I'm in the process of editing it all out.)
every once in a while, I get a *very* slight stutter.
the girl says "what is up with that teacher" and It seems off. "What's up with that teacher" to me sounds more normal for a middle-schooler.
some english teachers teach/preach to not use contractions, ignore that in creative writing and go for what flows smooth-est.

Chapter 1-2
Hm. You suddenly shifted to single sentence paragraphs.
I'm sad.
I'm seeing you're in danger of falling into ellipsis-itis.
Chapter 1-1 and chapter 1-3 have this slow, even, smooth, pacing.
this chapter, shifted to quick pace. Single sentences come and go. quick.

I'm in love with 1-1 and 1-3. warm and expressive.
1-2 is somehow different. clips and rushes.
maybe that's intentional.
PS - I gave 1-1 and 1-3 a heart (like)

overall, I have soft spot in my heart for the sad-sack MC
who can't help but cheer for the underdog. lovable goof.
when the pacing is slow, smooth, even... its got the magic. (1-1 and 1-3)
when it starts to rip! along (1-2) I feel like I'm being tugged along at the wrist by an adult to hurry up.
when you use paragraphs and all dialogue, its got the magic.

 

[Villager_A]

Kamijou Touma combined with Katsuragi Keima?

Touma if he causes the girls to not like him back, so the opposite of Katsuragi actually.

 

[Eldoria]

Feedback type: How was the pacing? Was it easy to read? And how is my main character as the narrator, since almost the entire story is in his POV

I won’t beat around the bush, dude. Honestly, as a casual reader, I’m fairly convinced that your first chapter (the prologue?) suffers from what I’d call "diary syndrome". What is that?

It’s the first POV where the narrator acts as a heavy exposition dump, explaining characters, worldbuilding, plot, and conflict directly in a blank space, as if you’re venting in a diary. How do I know? Just look at your narration.

First, your protagonist introduces himself to the reader: “My name is Bartholomew Lautner, but everyone calls me Barry...”

You’re narrating this inside the narrator’s mind as if you’re writing a diary entry. I also find this kind of introduction disruptive. Why?

Because your narration consciously breaks my immersion. When your narration greets your reader through the protagonist’s introduction, it implicitly dismantles the hypnotic effect of immersion, it reminds me that I’m 'reading' a story, not 'experiencing' it.

This is bad practice, dude. In the first POV, your goal is to hypnotize the reader into 'feeling' like they are the “I". Your reader should 'become' the narrator. You should be narrating the subjective experience of the “I” so the reader can feel it.

In this context, character introduction should happen organically through action, dialogue, and atmosphere, not through direct exposition from the narrator.

Second, your narration explicitly gives exposition about the protagonist’s misfortune: "My bad luck is on a league of its own."

This feels like someone venting about their fate in a diary. Instead of telling us the character is unlucky, you should show how that misfortune manifests through interaction with the world. Show him waking up late, missing the train, being forced to spend both his allowance and savings on a taxi, ending up broke, arriving late at school, and getting punished by standing in the hallway. That way, readers can interpret that he’s unlucky without the narrator saying, “I’m unlucky.”

Do you get what I mean? I’m being quite nitpicky here. Why? Because your premise is about an unlucky protagonist. If you fail to make the reader 'feel' that misfortune, then your story fails to deliver on its core premise. Misfortune is the heart of your story. You need to make your reader 'experience' it so they can actually care about the protagonist.

Third, your narration explains other characters’ personalities through exposition: “...Melissa Madison. Picture-perfect star student, gets along well with everyone, now part of the student council."

Instead of telling your reader, you should present organic interactions between the protagonist and that character. Show how she talks, behaves, and acts. Let the reader interpret her personality through those interactions.

Fourth, your flashback structure is messy. From the middle to the end of the chapter, you insert a flashback just to show their interaction. Worse, the transition is narrated explicitly with something like: “Oh, and I guess some context is in order."

As a reader, this made me cringe. It made me even more aware that I was reading a pre-written diary rather than being the “I” in the story.

I don’t have a problem with flashbacks, but the way you present them feels like someone recounting events in a diary. If you want to include a flashback, you should embed it organically. For example, have the protagonist sit in class, drift into thought, and let his mind wander to the past, then transition into the flashback naturally from there.

Overall, Chapter 1 is still trapped in diary syndrome. I wouldn’t mind if your fiction was a diary. But your synopsis clearly sets the expectation of a romcom centered on an unlucky protagonist. The story should focus on how that misfortune creates absurd conflicts in his romantic life.

So how do you avoid diary syndrome in your first POV? Simple: narrate the “I” living in the present. Show your protagonist experiencing life in real time. Let him breathe in the present moment, interact organically with the world and other characters.

Avoid info-dumping through narration and reduce meta commentary. If meta commentary appears, it should arise naturally from the protagonist’s interaction with the world within the plot.

Alright, it wouldn’t be fair if I only criticized your work. In short, your story actually has a "pretty interesting premise" regarding an unlucky protagonist in both life and romance. I appreciate that you’re trying to take an authentic approach instead of relying on fan service to attract readers.

Lastly, your title isn’t SEO-friendly or reader-friendly, dude. Don’t use a single quotation mark (') in your title, it makes indexing harder. You might want to revise it to be cleaner without changing the substance. For example: "Barry the Unlucky Boy: A Tale of Comedy Romance in School."

That way, your title becomes easier to read, highlights the uniqueness of your premise, and works better as a promotional tool.

Alright, that’s my feedback.

Regards.

 

[TinaMigarlo]

@Eldoria :
I'm sitting here *chuckling*
there's a reason I never went so far as to poke any sort of fun at the "narration calculus" Ted Talks.
I can tell expert terminology and reference material when I see it, and that's what your Ted Talks resemble.
the funny part is, though you refuse to read any of my stuff?
if you did read this one book, you would have pretty much said all the same stuff about mine, lol.
"diary syndrome".
After the couple chapters getting going... yeah, you hit the "immersion" of first person you want, and it stays there.
I'm left with the knowledge I read a lot of "cheap pulp series" when young.
the "diary" info dump is kind of necessary to a cheap pulp series, in a way.
it allows you to pick up "book 17" in the series? and still read and enjoy the story for that installment.
of course, this also means that I'm somewhat of a "pedestrian reader" that I can be satisfied by... a cheap pulp series.
those things always were accused of not being the best writing on the planet, though fun to read.
this also means that it turned me into a "pedestrian writer" who will willingly produce such slop.

I always did say... I don't really think I could ever become the next King or Crichton.
but writing like a cheap pulp series? I think I might be able to handle that.

how great of a sin really, is that.

 

[Eldoria]

how great of a sin really, is that.

I don't know. You know your work better.

Personally, I always put myself in the reader's shoes when reading fiction. So, if I feel like I can't 'live' in the story, I'll ask why the narrative has a narrative distance?

From there, I'll start analyzing and then criticizing the cause.

Now, here's the problem, as a author, someone might already have an imaginary world in their mind. But authors often forget and fall into the "curse of knowledge."

They forget... their stories are written in narrative form, like black ink on white paper.

The reader only knows what the narrative states as far as the author writes.

This gap is what ultimately destroys immersion and creates many narrative writing syndromes. Diary syndrome is just one such narrative disease.

 

[Villager_A]

Okay. Romance and Rom-com ain't my main deal.
But, yet another new member showing up. "Hey! Tell me what you think!"
Things you did right, before I read word one...
you posted it in the feedback section, which seems to put you at the head of the pack.
(usually they stick it somewhere else, I'm going to make a training video with you. lol)

Let's start with my impression of the title.
Barry's Bad Luck.
I instantly know some basic premise.
Barry, and he's going to be some lovable goof or a try-hard sad sack.

The tiny thing I *don't* like about the title...
I like (love, lol) the alliteration of "Barry's Bad", but... the "Luck" just stops it cold.
In my head, saying it many times fast? "Bad Luck Barry, Bad Luck Barry, Bad Luck Barry" seems to really roll off the tongue.

So. Chapter one.
------------------------
wow.
everything seems well crafted. No obvious spelling or grammar errors.
some sort of a polish to it all.
No info dumping in this first chapter.
dialogue isn't the easiest thing to do, and you seem to do it effortlessly.
I don't even personally like this genre, and I still get a little movie in my head reading.
there ain't *no* way this is your first attempt at writing.
great job, OP.

now. You did ask specific questions, let's get to those...
---How was the pacing?
I didn't get any weirdness to the movie in my head. so it must be fine.

---Was it easy to read?
Yes. Young girls that can read will have no problems following along.
But it isn't obvious that its been toned down for younger readers, so it keeps its smoothness

---And how is my main character as the narrator, since almost the entire story is in his POV.
I don't concern myself with specifics. I just... r-e-a-d.
if the movie in my head appears? all good.
if the movie stutters, that's bad. Yours has no stutters, so again, all good.

Me? I worry about three things. Writing quality, smoothness, flow.
it works or it doesn't. you? This works.

EDITOR'S NOTE: you asked about POV and what seems to be some kind of narrative question.
I'm not qualified to answer that. But, I know someone who IS. Watch. I'm going to summon?
"...the Oracle"
@Eldoria
The Oracle? knows all, and will conduct a little "Ted Talk" on what I call "Narrative calculus".
that's *if* the Oracle shows up. The oracle is busy, you have to pray and wish.
the Oracle can make sure you handled your ninth person with fifth person derivative properly.

barring anything else, based on chapter one? Great job.

Sh!t
I'm an idiot
I clicked on the last chapter, not the first.
so I read the (cafeteria) not the opening chapter.
screw it... I have to read another chapter...

Chapter 1-1
its still got that "cafeteria" polish.
A rich blend of what I have come to call "real paragraphs" with some "one sentence" thud-lines, for emphasis.
Nice.
tiny niggle?
most periods of ellipsis (...) can be eliminated and replaced by a comma, a period, etc etc.
you don't have ellipsis-itis, but watch it.
Hey, I had to fight to come up with something, you;re good at this.
(and if you read my work? you're seeing my own "ellipsis-itis" I have since learned to cure. I'm in the process of editing it all out.)
every once in a while, I get a *very* slight stutter.
the girl says "what is up with that teacher" and It seems off. "What's up with that teacher" to me sounds more normal for a middle-schooler.
some english teachers teach/preach to not use contractions, ignore that in creative writing and go for what flows smooth-est.

Chapter 1-2
Hm. You suddenly shifted to single sentence paragraphs.
I'm sad.
I'm seeing you're in danger of falling into ellipsis-itis.
Chapter 1-1 and chapter 1-3 have this slow, even, smooth, pacing.
this chapter, shifted to quick pace. Single sentences come and go. quick.

I'm in love with 1-1 and 1-3. warm and expressive.
1-2 is somehow different. clips and rushes.
maybe that's intentional.
PS - I gave 1-1 and 1-3 a heart (like)

overall, I have soft spot in my heart for the sad-sack MC
who can't help but cheer for the underdog. lovable goof.
when the pacing is slow, smooth, even... its got the magic. (1-1 and 1-3)
when it starts to rip! along (1-2) I feel like I'm being tugged along at the wrist by an adult to hurry up.
when you use paragraphs and all dialogue, its got the magic.

Thanks for the detailed feedback! I was at work then went drinking after (I'm in Japan right now so it's almost midnight), so I only found time to reply now.

I'm glad you like my MC so far, and for reading the whole arc. As you noticed, there's a flow I'm going for: intro -> warm moment -> bad luck strikes. People who only saw the first chapter, or even just the second chapter, will wonder "is he really unlucky?" And that's because I'm setting it up for the third chapter. This will be a pattern but I also make sure that it doesn't go stale, with the girls being different people and the MC gradually changing as he grows older + different dynamics because different girl. Look forward to arc 2.

I'll watch the ellipsis tendencies, thank you for pointing it out. I'll go through this arc and keep it in mind as I write the next ones.

And you got what I was going for: I don't make my MC miserable. He's unlucky, but he doesn't let it completely define him, and I want you to continue rooting for him as he continues to stay true to his values no matter how much his bad forces him to break. He's already his own person and I want the reader to witness how he does things, dread things or get frustrated at him when you know something he doesn't, or be happy for him when good things finally happen. That's the kind of narrative I want to build.

I'm a male myself, and my main character is also male, but I purposely went full ham on the shojo style because this is, in fact, not my first story, not even my first novel it's like my 5th. Prior to that, I did different genres (mainly serious ones with dark themes) and all of them in third person. So for this one, when I decided on a romcom, I just had to go full simple, targeted towards younger girls mode. It just felt like the right thing to do. Not a piece of literary mastery, but hearing the story of someone whom you want to be friends with. So when I asked about the flow and the POV, what I was asking was: since you'll be spending most of the story with Barry narrating to you, are you okay with that? Are you having fun with his dry, deadpan humor? Do you get invested enough in him to keep reading just to see where his journey is headed? That kind of thing.

As for your comments on the title: I thought about Bad Luck Barry, but I kept this title because Barry's bad luck is something he has but doesn't define him. He calls himself the king of bad luck and will challenge you to rock paper scissors knowing he will lose 100%, but he never complains or becomes mopey about it. And also trying not to spoil too much, I need this to juxtapose with another character later on that has good luck. I already have the main plot laid out from start to finish, and there's a line where I specifically need this title.

I'll also respond to the oracle's comments as well. I'm sorry if this isn't your cup of tea, but this isn't the story where you insert yourself into the character. Instead, it's one where the character is already built. The intro is me highlighting that, instead of a diary, the MC is speaking from a point far into the future ("did I regret thinking that way" and "Hear me out. This is the story of me and my bad luck.") and I'm trying to get the reader to see him narrate how he got to his answer of "yeah, timing is indeed everything" especially if you believe in the idea that the right person transcends any single romantic moment. And that's why my intention is actually the opposite of having the reader feel like they are the "I", especially if you know what happens in chapter 1-3, the end of the story arc (I do not wish that on anyone). Instead, I want the reader to see the narrator as his own person, the perspective being from the outside seeing a person who can't catch a break doing his best anyway.

For the bad luck part: this is why I pasted the first arc as a whole, chapters 1-1 to 1-3. Things only go down at the end, and I can only do that when I establish enough height so that the fall can be painful. Unlike most protagonists I know where the bad luck is kinda there as decoration, the bad luck here is the driving engine of the story, and so I can't just put them in chapter 1 and need to build up to it.

So yeah, if it's not your cup of tea totally understandable, but if you also do decide to continue reading at least until the end of the story arc I'd be very grateful.