Looking For Feedback On A Somewhat Niche First Chapter

[BRG]

To make a long story short, my story is not exactly the kind of thing that thrives in Scribblehub. It takes inspiration more from western novels than eastern light novels and manga and it's a slice of life coming of age fantasy tale with queer characters and some mild (very mild) adventure elements. The fantasy is also a bit surreal and fairytale-like not Rpg mechanics and such. So if I could get some feedback in my first chapter I would be very grateful :)
Here it is

 

[Cipiteca396]

Hey, I was reading that!

 

[BRG]

Hey, I was reading that!

Uh, sorry if it gives error, I was correcting some grammar.

 

[Cipiteca396]

Hey, I was reading that!

Well, anyways... I noticed a lot of issues with grammar, particularly in dialogue. Check out these tutorials for help with that.

Spoiler

https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/tutorial-the-secret-to-proper-paragraphing-and-dialogue.6647/ https://forum.scribblehub.com/forum...tarter_id=51945&order=post_date&direction=asc

Next is tagging. The main character is female, so some tags aren't appropriate. https://www.scribblehub.com/tag/manly-gay-couple/ is exclusively for BL male leads and
https://www.scribblehub.com/tag/male-to-female/ is exclusively for the MC, so unless Moon was Male before the story started, it wouldn't make sense. If that is the case, you'd want to add the Gender Bender genre, probably.
You might want to add the Supernatural genre to describe the Faerie angle. Potentially the Josei and Psychological genres as well based on the description. Romance and Girls' Love are also possibilities if the GL subplot tag is about the MC and- Zad, was it? If it's not about the Protagonist, then it's fine to leave them out.

I'm definitely missing something, sorry.

I left a comment on the first chapter but it got deleted when you deleted the chapter, so I'll just say it's an interesting story. Good luck with writing it.

 

[BRG]

Well, anyways... I noticed a lot of issues with grammar, particularly in dialogue. Check out these tutorials for help with that.

Spoiler

https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/tutorial-the-secret-to-proper-paragraphing-and-dialogue.6647/ https://forum.scribblehub.com/forum...tarter_id=51945&order=post_date&direction=asc

Next is tagging. The main character is female, so some tags aren't appropriate. https://www.scribblehub.com/tag/manly-gay-couple/ is exclusively for BL male leads and
https://www.scribblehub.com/tag/male-to-female/ is exclusively for the MC, so unless Moon was Male before the story started, it wouldn't make sense. If that is the case, you'd want to add the Gender Bender genre, probably.
You might want to add the Supernatural genre to describe the Faerie angle. Potentially the Josei and Psychological genres as well based on the description. Romance and Girls' Love are also possibilities if the GL subplot tag is about the MC and- Zad, was it? If it's not about the Protagonist, then it's fine to leave them out.

I'm definitely missing something, sorry.

I left a comment on the first chapter but it got deleted when you deleted the chapter, so I'll just say it's an interesting story. Good luck with writing it.

Thank you!