Dude... I'll be honest about my reading experience after reading your prologue. My brief impression is that I had a hard time distinguishing your main characters. Jakes and Casimir's voices are too similar... and strangely, I found it easier to recognize the Good Doctor (who is actually anonymous).
Your narrative has a weak narrative structure related to
characterization. Why?
Because your narrative doesn't provide enough space for adequate character introduction (MCs). You immediately use long dialogues that are more filled with exposition related to the plot and worldbuilding. As a result, your characters feel more like plot devices than living characters.
Furthermore, you actually present your characters as inquisitors rather than individuals with unique personalities. As a result, readers associate the characters more towards functionality. That's why I found it difficult to differentiate Jakes and Casimir.
They don't have unique voices; they are simply plot devices. If the name tags in the dialogue are covered, readers might only perceive them as an individual inquisitor. The solution?
You need to give each character space to act as an individual. You need to narrate the identity, personality, and style of speech of each character with uniqueness.
Build human characters first before getting into the plot.
Don't rely on names alone. Names are just empty labels; what makes a name meaningful is a character's personality that stands out and leaves an impression on the reader.
For example, if you want to characterize Casimir as a tired, hard worker, you could start the scene by showing Casimir working on a pile of documents all night long, with his hair disheveled and dark circles under his eyes.
So, the reader can interpret your character's personality even without the narrator's voice explaining.
Well, it's my little feedback.
Regards.
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