Just got started on an epic low fantasy, feedback requested.

Anarchy666

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Here's the text:


It has been over one thousand and one hundred years since the Ancient Elysian Empire fragmented into a thousand pieces, leaving behind a degenerate waste bathed in blood and destitute peasant masses in its wake. An era of feudalism had wrenched its talons across the peninsula, and even now – despite visible societal improvement, danger still lurked in the land.


The Northerners knew more than anyone those days that there were threats besides humans in those woods and mountains, dangers of an otherworldly source – because of the endless war, the palace intrigue and the foreign relations clouding the minds of those to the south of the Midland Range. They had become distracted by worldly affairs, too focused on what was occurring right here and now, to possibly be prepared for what happened next.


Roughly a third of the way east from the Western Coast, another mountain range split off from the Midlands and snaked its way north, separating the Derwyddon Plateau from the Western Coastal lowland brotherly nations of Ausland and Skogland. Most of the sightings of these otherworldly beings occurred on the upper side of the Nidevellirs, as they were called. While not as large in height as the Great Midlands, they were easily a hundred millennia or two older.


The Derwydd, or the Druids of the East, were extremely isolationist and exclusive from the outside world compared to their gregarious neighboring Druids of the North. The Skoglanders and Auslanders had a diplomatic, cultural and military relationship that went back centuries, and relations between the two kingdoms never seemed stronger.


King Hans II, reigning patriarch of House Skogerrak – their coat of arms symbolized by the Skogland Elk behind him – sat brooding behind his desk. He'd been trying to get a counsel with the Holy Elysian Emperor, Ruler of the Fifteen Realms South of the Midlands, for the past ten years.


Word traveled slowly between town and city falconers – particularly to the northernmost tip of the edge of the Jagged Hook Peninsula – and this in addition to the realization that Skogland would always be considered the junior partner in the Skog–Aus relationship meant that he'd have to rely on the word of his “best friend,” and “older brother,” King Michael XIII Eichenmenschen (who's son, Jessop, was recently elected the youngest High Seer in the history of the Theosevite Orthodox Church). He had told him by falcon earlier that week that he could potentially get him an audience with the Elysians if he could successfully leverage his connections.


The Auslander King was renown for his gregarious and exuberant nature, always going out of his way to be the life of the party and the center of attention, always gushing about how proud of his son he was and how successful he'd been as a man getting married at sixteen and having a family by eighteen. At nineteen he was already an archbishop, having climbed the hierarchy of the Church within a short span of sixteen months.


At twenty he was entered into the running to be the next Seer of the Church, and at twenty-one he was being sworn in as the 212th High Seer of the Theosevite Orthodox Church, becoming quite literally the most powerful man on the continent. Seers were renown for commanding the authority needed to call upon continental and intercontinental crusades, as was seen in the Outlander Crusaders three centuries prior, or the Holy League against the Shikaris unfolding as she wrote this.

Here's a basic layout of the political map (yes I know it's Hong Kong):

1767069761807.png


Ruthenia is also a general location of several competing Slavessi kingdoms, palatinates and duchies.

Let me know your first impressions of these characters by their names titles and class btw:

Major Royal Houses


House Skogerrak – Kingdom of Skogland​


  • King Hans II Skogerrak (3.93 cubits; 12.78 stone [5'11”; 179 lb.] - Swordsman; Fighter) Orlando Bloom
  • Queen Ingrid IV Falkonner-Skogerrak​
  • Prince Ingvar Skogerrak IV​
  • Princess Grima Skogerrak VIII​
  • Princess Runa Skogerrak IX​
  • Prince Hans Skogerrak III​
  • Lord Ragnar – Fyrisvellir City Guard Captain​
  • Sir Bodvar – Fyrisvellir City Guard Lieutenant​
  • Sir Alaric – Fyrisvellir City Falconer​

House Bourgeonner – Kingdom of Gaul​


  • King Renald III – Gaul​
  • Queen Delia Pendragon Bourgeonner​
  • Emperor David IV – Eden (4.1 cubits, 15.7 stone [6'02”; 220 lb.])​
  • Empress Trude Skogerrak​
  • Dr. Rogerus Mirabilis – Lyonesse (3.8 cubits; 11 stone [5'09”; 155 lb] – Magician)​

House Falkonner – Kingdom of Derwyddon​


  • King Uther III Falkonner – Lyngvi, Derwyddon​
  • Queen Frederikke IV Falkonner​
  • Lady Ursula Falkonner​
  • Lord Soren Falkonner (Just under 3.7 cubits; 11.8 stone [5'06”; 166 lb] – Bow Captain; Fighter) Aaron Paul

House Eichenmenschen – Kingdom of Ausland​


  • High Seer Jessop II Eichenmenschen – Elysium​
  • King Michael XIII Eichenmenschen – Ausland​

House Volkhov – City of Kitezh​


  • Prince Alexandr III Volkhov​
  • Prince Yaroslav II Volkhov​
  • Prince Andrei II Volkhov​
  • Prince Daniel IV Volkhov – Eshhrouv​

House Lascaris – Kingdom of Hellas​


  • Emperor Alexios IV – Elysium​
  • King Ajax III – Ilium​
  • Queen Athena IX​

House Pendragon – Northlands​


  • King Richard VI – Camelot​
  • Prince Robert IX​
  • King Baldwin III – Avalon, Highland Isle​
  • Count Charles the Resolute – Cantre'r Gwaelod, Outlands (“Just under 4 cubits, 12.7 stone” [5'11”; 178 lb.] - Ranger)​
  • Sir Fluvian the Effervescent – Emain Ablach, Outlands (“Just over 4 cubits, just under 15 stone” [6'01”; 209 lb.] - Knight-Monk)​
  • Sr. Mary the Serene – Wenwynwen, Outlands (“A 'tad' over 3.6 cubits; about 10 stone [5'05”; 140 lb.] - Cleric)​

House Dragunov – Palatinate of Buyan​


  • Prince Vladimir III Dragunov​
  • Princess Sigrid II Falkonner​

House Orlyak – Duchy of Alatyr-Vyraj​


  • Grand Duke Mikhail VI​
  • Grand Duchess Anastasia IV​

House Leinav – Duchy of Livonia​


  • Grand Duke Dragutin-Jaromir IX​
  • Grand Duchess Adrija II​

House Rabenflugel – Allied Kingdoms of Westen​


  • Queen Gertrude III​

House Akarsu – Shikari Caliphate​


  • Caliph Amir III​
  • Caliph Ghazi IV​

House Jinzi – Zeno Empire​

House Jinzi – Zeno Empire​


  • Emperor Jinzi Lang-yao (“Just over 4 cubits, over fifteen stone” [6'01”; 215 lb.] - Sorcerer)​
  • Lord Tsu – Ronin (“Roughly 3.7 cubits, about twelve stone” [5'07”; 168 lb.] - Cavalier)​
  • Kura – Ninja (“Just over 3 and a half cubits, just under 8 stone” [5'02”; 110 lb.] - Thief)​

Wizards of Kystland​


  • Taliesin – Avalon, Highland Isle​
  • Hops – Gwynned, Ostlands​
  • Bryon FitzShoemaker – Avalon, Highland Isle – Bard​
 
Last edited:

Eldoria

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 14, 2025
Messages
1,586
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113
Are the kingdoms, geography, and characters merely backdrops, or do they come 'alive' in your story?

A good story is one where the world feels alive.

Well, you've only provided a rough synopsis and glossary. It's too early for me to justify it.

However, I just want to remind you that you should reveal your worldbuilding and characters gradually, in layers, following the conflict your story is narrating.

Don't introduce all the characters and worldbuilding at once, creating an info dump that readers won't even find 'important'.
 

Macha

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Feb 6, 2021
Messages
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Are the kingdoms, geography, and characters merely backdrops, or do they come 'alive' in your story?

A good story is one where the world feels alive.

Well, you've only provided a rough synopsis and glossary. It's too early for me to justify it.

However, I just want to remind you that you should reveal your worldbuilding and characters gradually, in layers, following the conflict your story is narrating.

Don't introduce all the characters and worldbuilding at once, creating an info dump that readers won't even find 'important'.
You can be less polite about it you know? Let me provide a feedback that feel appropriate to the text.

Here's the text:


It has been over one thousand and one hundred years since the Ancient Elysian Empire fragmented into a thousand pieces, leaving behind a degenerate waste bathed in blood and destitute peasant masses in its wake. An era of feudalism had wrenched its talons across the peninsula, and even now – despite visible societal improvement, danger still lurked in the land.


The Northerners knew more than anyone those days that there were threats besides humans in those woods and mountains, dangers of an otherworldly source – because of the endless war, the palace intrigue and the foreign relations clouding the minds of those to the south of the Midland Range. They had become distracted by worldly affairs, too focused on what was occurring right here and now, to possibly be prepared for what happened next.


Roughly a third of the way east from the Western Coast, another mountain range split off from the Midlands and snaked its way north, separating the Derwyddon Plateau from the Western Coastal lowland brotherly nations of Ausland and Skogland. Most of the sightings of these otherworldly beings occurred on the upper side of the Nidevellirs, as they were called. While not as large in height as the Great Midlands, they were easily a hundred millennia or two older.


The Derwydd, or the Druids of the East, were extremely isolationist and exclusive from the outside world compared to their gregarious neighboring Druids of the North. The Skoglanders and Auslanders had a diplomatic, cultural and military relationship that went back centuries, and relations between the two kingdoms never seemed stronger.


King Hans II, reigning patriarch of House Skogerrak – their coat of arms symbolized by the Skogland Elk behind him – sat brooding behind his desk. He'd been trying to get a counsel with the Holy Elysian Emperor, Ruler of the Fifteen Realms South of the Midlands, for the past ten years.


Word traveled slowly between town and city falconers – particularly to the northernmost tip of the edge of the Jagged Hook Peninsula – and this in addition to the realization that Skogland would always be considered the junior partner in the Skog–Aus relationship meant that he'd have to rely on the word of his “best friend,” and “older brother,” King Michael XIII Eichenmenschen (who's son, Jessop, was recently elected the youngest High Seer in the history of the Theosevite Orthodox Church). He had told him by falcon earlier that week that he could potentially get him an audience with the Elysians if he could successfully leverage his connections.


The Auslander King was renown for his gregarious and exuberant nature, always going out of his way to be the life of the party and the center of attention, always gushing about how proud of his son he was and how successful he'd been as a man getting married at sixteen and having a family by eighteen. At nineteen he was already an archbishop, having climbed the hierarchy of the Church within a short span of sixteen months.


At twenty he was entered into the running to be the next Seer of the Church, and at twenty-one he was being sworn in as the 212th High Seer of the Theosevite Orthodox Church, becoming quite literally the most powerful man on the continent. Seers were renown for commanding the authority needed to call upon continental and intercontinental crusades, as was seen in the Outlander Crusaders three centuries prior, or the Holy League against the Shikaris unfolding as she wrote this.

Here's a basic layout of the political map (yes I know it's Hong Kong):

View attachment 44478

Ruthenia is also a general location of several competing Slavessi kingdoms, palatinates and duchies.

Let me know your first impressions of these characters by their names titles and class btw:


Major Royal Houses


House Skogerrak – Kingdom of Skogland


  • King Hans II Skogerrak (3.93 cubits; 12.78 stone [5'11”; 179 lb.] - Swordsman; Fighter) Orlando Bloom
  • Queen Ingrid IV Falkonner-Skogerrak
  • Prince Ingvar Skogerrak IV
  • Princess Grima Skogerrak VIII
  • Princess Runa Skogerrak IX
  • Prince Hans Skogerrak III
  • Lord Ragnar – Fyrisvellir City Guard Captain
  • Sir Bodvar – Fyrisvellir City Guard Lieutenant
  • Sir Alaric – Fyrisvellir City Falconer

House Bourgeonner – Kingdom of Gaul


  • King Renald III – Gaul
  • Queen Delia Pendragon Bourgeonner
  • Emperor David IV – Eden (4.1 cubits, 15.7 stone [6'02”; 220 lb.])
  • Empress Trude Skogerrak
  • Dr. Rogerus Mirabilis – Lyonesse (3.8 cubits; 11 stone [5'09”; 155 lb] – Magician)

House Falkonner – Kingdom of Derwyddon


  • King Uther III Falkonner – Lyngvi, Derwyddon
  • Queen Frederikke IV Falkonner
  • Lady Ursula Falkonner
  • Lord Soren Falkonner (Just under 3.7 cubits; 11.8 stone [5'06”; 166 lb] – Bow Captain; Fighter) Aaron Paul

House Eichenmenschen – Kingdom of Ausland


  • High Seer Jessop II Eichenmenschen – Elysium
  • King Michael XIII Eichenmenschen – Ausland

House Volkhov – City of Kitezh


  • Prince Alexandr III Volkhov
  • Prince Yaroslav II Volkhov
  • Prince Andrei II Volkhov
  • Prince Daniel IV Volkhov – Eshhrouv

House Lascaris – Kingdom of Hellas


  • Emperor Alexios IV – Elysium
  • King Ajax III – Ilium
  • Queen Athena IX

House Pendragon – Northlands


  • King Richard VI – Camelot
  • Prince Robert IX
  • King Baldwin III – Avalon, Highland Isle
  • Count Charles the Resolute – Cantre'r Gwaelod, Outlands (“Just under 4 cubits, 12.7 stone” [5'11”; 178 lb.] - Ranger)
  • Sir Fluvian the Effervescent – Emain Ablach, Outlands (“Just over 4 cubits, just under 15 stone” [6'01”; 209 lb.] - Knight-Monk)
  • Sr. Mary the Serene – Wenwynwen, Outlands (“A 'tad' over 3.6 cubits; about 10 stone [5'05”; 140 lb.] - Cleric)

House Dragunov – Palatinate of Buyan


  • Prince Vladimir III Dragunov
  • Princess Sigrid II Falkonner

House Orlyak – Duchy of Alatyr-Vyraj


  • Grand Duke Mikhail VI
  • Grand Duchess Anastasia IV

House Leinav – Duchy of Livonia


  • Grand Duke Dragutin-Jaromir IX
  • Grand Duchess Adrija II

House Rabenflugel – Allied Kingdoms of Westen


  • Queen Gertrude III

House Akarsu – Shikari Caliphate


  • Caliph Amir III
  • Caliph Ghazi IV

House Jinzi – Zeno Empire


  • Emperor Jinzi Lang-yao (“Just over 4 cubits, over fifteen stone” [6'01”; 215 lb.] - Sorcerer)
  • Lord Tsu – Ronin (“Roughly 3.7 cubits, about twelve stone” [5'07”; 168 lb.] - Cavalier/Paladin)

This isn’t really a story, it’s more like a bunch of world-building and character introductions. It feels like you're just throwing info at the reader without much context or action.

There’s not much to give feedback on because there’s no plot or real character development happening yet so it’s hard to care about any of it. No one’s going to read that.

Cringe/10.
 

Eldoria

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You can be less polite about it you know? Let me provide a feedback that feel appropriate to the text.
Well, I was actually being impolite (by my standards) by prematurely judging the thread's information. I didn't even answer the thread's question. The questioner asked for feedback on the story's design. Meanwhile, I only provided a normative answer.
 

Anarchy666

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Lol yeah I'm deleting and rewriting as I go. I might just delete all of this and start over from scratch. More interested in character building (I have updated the character roster btw)
 

Jax.A.River

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Your map gives me strong Northern Europe vibes with most of those Brexit folks cut out and has primed me to expect the story will feel like it takes place in a cold wet place with long winters and pretty terrain. Yes, I saw your comment that it's Hong Kong rotated 90 degrees on a map but it sure darn makes me think of Europe if you squished Eurasia into oblivion and made China the eastern neighbor.

The setting lore you provided makes me think Holy Roman Empire but with magic and gives off a traditional European themed fantasy setting kinda feel. If that was your intent, I think you have the vibe down though the writing sample bored me, and I probably wouldn't keep reading. Unless there was something more unique and interesting to the world mentioned that caught my eye and made me want to know what happens in the next chapter I would DNF at this point.

I'm assuming you intended for omniscient 3rd person POV as the intro and am wondering if you will switch to 3rd person limited or 1st person after this point. I don't read a lot of 3rd person omniscient so I am unfamiliar with how it could be used past this point beyond bird's eye view for battles or grand strategy scenes.
 

Eldoria

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I'm wondering if I should prioritize that if I'm wanting to capture non-omniscient 3rd person readers such as yourself?
It's important to remember that SH readers generally prefer limited third-person POV. This provides a safe and intimate distance, as if you were witnessing a friend's life without becoming him/her (protagonist = important character for the reader, reader = observer of the story).

Some people are even allergic to first-person POV because it lacks narrative distance (protagonist = reader).

Meanwhile, omniscient POV makes your fiction too objective, neutral, and loses its sense of value.

Well, some masterpiece fiction does have an omniscient POV, such as Tolkien's trilogy with variations of limited third-person POV.

However, Tolkien is indeed fiction about world history (middle earth). If your fiction doesn't focus on world history and only wants to tell a person's journey, then omniscient POV will backfire.
 

Jax.A.River

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My personal opinion is that omniscient 3rd works best as a precision tool used for specific scenes rather than as a general purpose tool. It's what puts me off War Record style stories entirely. Feels too distant from the characters for me to ever truly grow to care about any particular person enough to want to follow their story.

Please take it with a grain of salt. I'm an oddball who chooses to tell LitRPG in 1st person POV so I likely am not your target reader.

My favorite example of omniscient 3rd is the opening of the Wheel of Time series. It creates a feeling and sense of scale then immediately changes to 3rd person limited POV to bring us closer to the characters. The story does occasionally provide omniscient level details to the reader in a way that doesnt break the flow of the story.
 

Anarchy666

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However, Tolkien is indeed fiction about world history (middle earth). If your fiction doesn't focus on world history and only wants to tell a person's journey, then omniscient POV will backfire.
This gives me some reassurance considering my fiction is very international and somewhat globalist in its expanse.
Anyway, here is my updated Prologue:


His hand gripped the handle of the arming sword as tightly as if letting go meant falling off of the face of the earth. The scouts hadn't heard a sound, not a bird, nothing. “Means a predator is nearby,” Captain Ragnall had said – one of the last things he'd said.


Mere minutes later he was running for his life. The silence had been replaced by only the screaming of his comrades, and the shuffling of his feet as he made a last-minute decision to run. The way it had torn through them, like a hot knife through butter. Their weapons seemed to glance off of its hide, their arrows seemed only to annoy it.


And now, here he was.


Hunted, like so many creatures he'd hunted before.


Ulf knew if he stopped, he would only be encouraging the creature. Yet, he had to stop, his hands slick with blood not his own as he fumbled with his waterskin for hydration. He had attempted to carry young Egil away after he'd been tossed like a ragdoll into the forest – before realizing he was dead. That's when Ulf started running.


Before he could fully relax and catch his breath, there was a loud thud beside him, and Ulf looked over to see the lacerated and mangled corpse of Captain Ragnall. He screamed and immediately scrambled to his feet and broke into a run once more. He ran until his breathing grew ragged, he ran until his legs were slick with sweat. He ran... and ultimately had to stop himself from going over a massive drop-off.


“God, no,” he shrieked as he winced and grabbed the nearest tree branch to keep from going over the edge. Before he could think on what to do next, his heart sank as he identified a new noise. He held his breath, but the sound of breathing did not stop.


He turned around, and when he saw it, he screamed.




* * *




Sir Ivarr Nordberg was accompanied by his falconer Agnarr when he discovered the remains of one of the scouts. “Looks like he fell from a great height,” said Ivarr.


“What do you think he was running from,” Agnarr inquired.


Ivarr shook his head and pulled out a pre-written note, perusing it briefly before rolling it back up, “I had my cleric write out a few letters in case something like this happened.” The falconer nodded solemnly. “I guess this means they didn't find the missing farmers.” Ivarr cocked his head as he handed the scroll to Agnarr. “Or maybe they did.”


Agnarr saddled the raptor with the message to be delivered back home, and sent him on his way.


“Weather's supposed to be clear for the next week or so, he should be able to make it to Fyrisvellir, from where we are now at the march's reach,” Ivarr said, after taking a pull from his waterskin and looking up at the skies.


“Wish we could say the same about the land,” added Agnarr.




* * *




Hans II – King of Skogland, patriarch of House Skogerrak – observed the elk on their kingdom's coat of arms as he brooded. In time, the King of neighboring Ausland would arrive with his family, and greet their own. They would have a feast wherein the two kings would discuss politics. And it was here, just as then, he let it slip.


“I detect a hint of... what's the word for it... trepidation, on your part,” said King Michael XIII. “What is it that bothers you so much in asking me for a favor, you know my son was recently elected the youngest High Seer of Elysium, yes?”


“Yes, Michael, I know,” said the Skog King with a sigh, “we are all aware of how proud of your son you are. Your gregarious nature precedes you, your highness,” he said, winking at the Auslander, who smiled warmly back at him. “Ausland and Skogland are equals, don't get me wrong, but considering the fact your lands swore allegiance to the Fifteen Realms – and you have more manpower – the emperor will never accept a counsel with me without your input. It is all so tiresome and humiliating.”


The Auslander King gathered Hans's hands in his own, and looked him in the eye.


“I will grant you a counsel with the emperor, on one condition,” he said, erecting an outstretched index finger. “You come to my kingdom to have an event such as this, but I will be hosting – not you. Are we in agreement?”


Hans nodded gingerly.


And so it was agreed. After the discussion in their office about technicalities the Eichenmenschens were on about their way. Although, during their meeting, the city falconer had alerted their queen to a disturbing realization.


“There is a troll in our midst,” she'd whispered to him.


Everything had changed; the whole mechanism of the application of their war powers had been upended. If they were fighting humans – in addition to trolls – they may well be outnumbered. And King Hans II was not about to let himself be outmaneuvered.​
 
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