Isekai Story Feedback.

[Horrorific]

I just wrote GameMaster Of Life, it was about a boy that got transported to the other world by a mysterious door in his house.

The problem I'm facing is that I find readers stopped reading my story after reading the first chapter. The story is a bit slow at the start because I'm making the foreshadowing detail for the storyline. Is it because I'm taking too long in getting into the story or because of my grammar that was not good but ok I guess (My grammar progressively got better in the next chapter).

I would appreciate if there are helpful feedbacks.

 

[binarysoap]

How do you know that your readers stopped reading your story after the first chapter?

If it's because your "recent readers" under the statistics tab has 1/6, that doesn't mean much, since if anyone puts your story in any reading list, including a dropped list, a to-read-later list, etc., it will shows up as 1/6.

 

[Ral]

How do you know that your readers stopped reading your story after the first chapter?

If it's because your "recent readers" under the statistics tab has 1/6, that doesn't mean much, since if anyone puts your story in any reading list, including a dropped list, a to-read-later list, etc., it will shows up as 1/6.

I think it might be the chapter views. The fist chapter has 139 views, the second chapter has 56 views. Chapter 4 has 29 views. Finally chapter 5, second to the last chapter, posted on April 28, has 13 views. The story essentially has a consistent decay of 50% viewer drop per chapter. It is still too early to judge but this is a terrible performance.

 

[Horrorific]

How do you know that your readers stopped reading your story after the first chapter?

If it's because your "recent readers" under the statistics tab has 1/6, that doesn't mean much, since if anyone puts your story in any reading list, including a dropped list, a to-read-later list, etc., it will shows up as 1/6.

I see, so that's how it work. My heart was hay wiring when the statistics show that. This story was like one of rare imagination that popped inside my head and if I F it up then thats it.

I think it might be the chapter views. The fist chapter has 139 views, the second chapter has 56 views. Chapter 4 has 29 views. Finally chapter 5, second to the last chapter, posted on April 28, has 13 views. The story essentially has a consistent decay of 50% viewer drop per chapter. It is still too early to judge but this is a terrible performance.

I promoted my story way too early. I should not have that many views if I didn't promote it. But you might be right about terrible performance since I saw some *cough* interesting new story got some good performance. I didn't mind those story but I want to know if my story really entice the readers to read more. I can't help but always critic my work to the point I accidentally turn a good material into something else...

 

[Ral]

I didn't mind those story but I want to know if my story really entice the readers to read more. I can't help but always critic my work to the point I accidentally turn a good material into something else...

I'm waiting to see for others but I don't think people will tell you what is on their mind.

Okay, I'll bite the bullet and say it bluntly: No.

 

[Horrorific]

I'm waiting to see for others but I don't think people will tell you what is on their mind.

Okay, I'll bite the bullet and say it bluntly: No.

That's okay, I'm still appreciate about telling something that I need to improve later on

 

[Ral]

That's okay, I'm still appreciate about telling something that I need to improve later on

I'll make a detailed criticism as I can.

There are lots actually. I think you know about the prose/writing so let us start with that. Note though that I'm not a native English speaker myself so I do miss a lot but I try to help you as much as I can.

Well, there are lots of times when you wrote something that doesn't means what you want it to. This for example:

All the way inside the earth, there is a village surrounded by mountains and inside the village there was a decent brick-built family house that look like no one is living inside.

"All the way inside the earth" is kinda funny. It means the village is inside the planet earth. It is deep down underground.

And there are lots of things like that here. You really need to look out for these kind of things because they are really distracting.

There are also some strange phrasings. They are technically correct but they are kinda clumsy. For example:

The family’s father always drives his kids to school that’s miles away from the house with the car.

This is just bloated. Stuff are just jammed into the sentence haphazardly. You can eliminate a lot of stuff here (like the house and car) because they can be understood from the context. You can easily streamline this sentence into "The father drive the kids to school." Things like they drive from their house and the school is distant and they drive in a car is obvious from he context. You usually would only include these specific details if you want to emphasize them.

To me, it seems like you wrote this story in one language (or construct the sentences in your native language in your head) then translate it, almost word for word, into English. The result is like you are using Google Translate. This is kinda difficult to fix. You either have to be more experienced with the English Language or have an editor polish your document.

Then, lets go to the plot of your story. I'll be honest, there is no plot.

Sure, things happen but things just happening isn't plot. The events should be connected to each other. As Foster said: "The king died, and then the queen died, is a story, while The king died, and then the queen died of grief, is a plot."

Let's look at your story. So it goes like this:

1) Ryu finds a door, enters it and get stranded in the other world when the door disappears.

2) Then a magical statue chases and attacks him. Does this magical statue move the story forward or have impact in the story? None at all. You can take this out and the story would not change one bit.

3) Then a dragon appears to fetch him to his master to explain why Ryuu is here. Again, there is just no connection here. Sure there is this "the whole truth about why you are here" thing but it isn't Ryu is here because he entered the door? If he didn't enter the door then he wouldn't be here.

~~~~~

I'll continue this later.

 

[Ral]

4) Then this old guy then explains to Ryu why he is here. Seriously these is so many issue with this one. Let's ignore the fact that Ryu is here because he entered a magic door. His presence here has nothing to do with this old guy. The explanation actually isn't why Ryu is here but what this old guy want from Ryu.

5) This old guy transfer his powers and position to Ryu, without his consent. Well, at least the story has some semblance of structure now.

6) The caves crmbles and Ryu and the dragon fly away to escape. Very cliche, old guy died then the whole lair tries to kill protagonist because, whatever.

7) The dragon suddenly become tiny and Ryu plummet to the ground. This happens because things just happens.

8) A snow wolf appears and attacks Ryu. This happens because things just happens.

9) Ryu walks until he find civilization, there he meets a damsel (in distress) being chased by a pack of wolves. Again, it just happens.

10) Ryu saved the girl and meets her family.

I stopped reading here. This is just a generic and cliched plot-less isekai.

Let me guess, he will register as an adventurer and battle monsters yada yada. The events that happens is just a collection of cliche that happens one after the other.

You need to think more about your story. You are practically just writing as you go and end up stringing a bunch of cliches without any structure. You need something more coherent than this.

~~~~~~~

I'll end my criticism here but I'll continue if you want me to.

Don't feel too bad. This is your first story so it would likely suck. Almost everyone's first story sucks. If I write a story, thus writing my first story, it would suck. Just continue practicing, you will get better.

 

[Nixil]

I see this in the synopsis:

All I do is click the [-] and your health will be zero and died

I check the genres. Comedy isn't on there. I died.

 

[Horrorific]

I'll make a detailed criticism as I can.

There are lots actually. I think you know about the prose/writing so let us start with that. Note though that I'm not a native English speaker myself so I do miss a lot but I try to help you as much as I can.

Well, there are lots of times when you wrote something that doesn't means what you want it to. This for example:

"All the way inside the earth" is kinda funny. It means the village is inside the planet earth. It is deep down underground.

And there are lots of things like that here. You really need to look out for these kind of things because they are really distracting.

There are also some strange phrasings. They are technically correct but they are kinda clumsy. For example:

This is just bloated. Stuff are just jammed into the sentence haphazardly. You can eliminate a lot of stuff here (like the house and car) because they can be understood from the context. You can easily streamline this sentence into "The father drive the kids to school." Things like they drive from their house and the school is distant and they drive in a car is obvious from he context. You usually would only include these specific details if you want to emphasize them.

To me, it seems like you wrote this story in one language (or construct the sentences in your native language in your head) then translate it, almost word for word, into English. The result is like you are using Google Translate. This is kinda difficult to fix. You either have to be more experienced with the English Language or have an editor polish your document.

Then, lets go to the plot of your story. I'll be honest, there is no plot.

Sure, things happen but things just happening isn't plot. The events should be connected to each other. As Foster said: "The king died, and then the queen died, is a story, while The king died, and then the queen died of grief, is a plot."

Let's look at your story. So it goes like this:

1) Ryu finds a door, enters it and get stranded in the other world when the door disappears.

2) Then a magical statue chases and attacks him. Does this magical statue move the story forward or have impact in the story? None at all. You can take this out and the story would not change one bit.

3) Then a dragon appears to fetch him to his master to explain why Ryuu is here. Again, there is just no connection here. Sure there is this "the whole truth about why you are here" thing but it isn't Ryu is here because he entered the door? If he didn't enter the door then he wouldn't be here.

~~~~~

I'll continue this later.

OOF Why did I put earth at the sentence, I'm gonna go proofreading the whole thing again after this. I was proofreading it at midnight till morning so I didn't think straight.

There were indeed alot of pointless stuff that I put inside the story just like you mention, and it's too cliche.. I mean, the cliche part is something some people want but of course you were opposite of that 'some' people. Not to mention even myself included in that part of group. I don't want to hear the same story with different character all over again.

I tried to make the story plot less at the start and get the protagonist have a purpose in the later story with learning that all of his loved ones is transported to the world he is in. But they got controlled of course and it is up to him to save them with multiple obstacles in the way.

Editor is something I'm pretty sure going to cost some money since I saw *cough* active member in this forum will do it for money. So I just rely on a website to correct my grammar and everything else.

With that being said, I have to restructure the whole story am I? Thank you alot for criticizing with such a details on my work to the point I almost give up writing. I never feel too bad about getting criticized because all of sudden I decided to start writing without being expert in English, not a single preparation to start a light novel.

Quarantine is boring man.

I see this in the synopsis:

I check the genres. Comedy isn't on there. I died.

I forgot about the Comedy genre, or more like I don't want to. I can't make good jokes like every other novels.

 

[Ral]

There were indeed alot of pointless stuff that I put inside the story just like you mention, and it's too cliche.. I mean, the cliche part is something some people want but of course you were opposite of that 'some' people. Not to mention even myself included in that part of group. I don't want to hear the same story with different character all over again.

Well, actually people want those tropes but with a twist or variation. This makes the tropes more interesting and less cliched. You might want to do this. Take the tropes and put your own twist on them

I tried to make the story plot less at the start and get the protagonist have a purpose in the later story with learning that all of his loved ones is transported to the world he is in. But they got controlled of course and it is up to him to save them with multiple obstacles in the way.

This is not a good thing especially when you consider that this is the opening/start of your story. If there is nothing for your readers to be engaged in your story here, then they most likely just stop reading before they get to the "interesting" parts. The beginning of the story is what most consider as the hardest part to write. If there is a part of your story where you should put a lot of effort into, it is the first part.

Also, plot is not about a character having a motivation in the story but about the events effecting the next. Essentially there is a cause and effect relationship. The character could have a strong motivation and the story still remain without a plot where things just happens (common with a lot of webnovels where the protagonist motivation is essentially to become the most powerful or live a lazy life). The opposite also can happen where the protagonist has no motivation but the series of events are solidly plotted.

Quarantine is boring man.

LOL. Same.

I forgot about the Comedy genre, or more like I don't want to. I can't make good jokes like every other novels.

Well, I think, Nixil was a bit sarcastic with that. Essentially, your protagonist's powers is just ridiculous. Your protagonist only have to press a button to kill his enemies.

 

[Horrorific]

Well, I think, Nixil was a bit sarcastic with that. Essentially, your protagonist's powers is just ridiculous. Your protagonist only have to press a button to kill his enemies.

Oof, I KNEW HE WAS BEING SARCASM ABOUT IT! REEEEEE