Avarice_Of_The_Seven
Fallen Angel Of Rebellion
- Joined
- Nov 24, 2025
- Messages
- 169
- Points
- 63
To know the entire context of the matter, check out part one of this thread. Is this chapter 1 good enough?
Basically, I want feedback on my first chapter draft before I put it away as a polished chapter.
I have checked and read it several times, made whatever Improvements I could think of.
And regarding formatting, when I copy-paste a large amount of text on the Forum threads, most of the formatting gets removed. that includes bold and italics. And it's rather tedious to add those things again, so I didn't bother.
So if you see that thoughts aren't in italics, then that doesn't mean that they originally weren't italicized.
What I want as feedback is simple.
1) Rate from 1 to 10 how interesting this chapter 1 was/ how likely you are to turn to chapter 2
2) How much better is it compared to the chapter 1 I previously asked feedback on (OPTIONAL) [ I'm the author, so I don't know what impression the cold readers have.]
3) Did you find any glaring flaws or mistakes in it that really need fixing?
(Check out my rant in the side note at the bottom before you give your review.)
==================
‘What sort of regret will I have while dying?’
This thought came to Daniel’s mind first thing in the morning. He had woken up only about half an hour ago.
Dim light of the rising sun illuminated the small apartment room as Daniel began to get ready for work.
That wasn’t a new question, he was used to pondering over it from time-to-time. It’s just that… he hadn’t been able to come up with an answer until now.
After brushing his teeth and taking a quick shower, Daniel began putting on a formal white shirt and black pants. While fixing his tie in front of the mirror, Daniel briefly looked at his reflection, and a young man with a detached, expressionless face stared back at him.
It took him only a few minutes to get ready as he grabbed his office bag and exited his apartment.
The empty roads were slowly getting crowded with people and vehicles alike as the morning sun rose higher. Walking silently through the bustling road, his mind once again wandered to that question.
‘What would be my regret in my last moments? Would there even be one?’
It had all started because of a conversation he once had with his grandmother. He was barely a teenager back then.
His grandmother’s health was declining at that time, getting worse with each passing day. Everyone else in the family had already accepted that she didn’t have much longer to live.
Lying weakly in the hospital bed, her face remained deathly pale, her expression twisting constantly and becoming more miserable. But more than anything, it was the look in her eyes that stirred something within him. Gazing into her eyes had prompted him to ask her that question, for some reason.
“Grandmother, why do you have that look on your face? As if you have some sort of regret. I didn’t think you were the type to have regrets.”
His grandmother had smiled softly through her pain after hearing his question.
“Everyone carries regret during their last moments, there are no exceptions.” She spoke weekly, “You will be no different… when your time comes, grandson.”
He had been rather skeptical of that part. Her words may hold true for most people, but there will be many people who would die without carrying any regrets. And he would most likely be among those people. So he had voiced out his doubts.
“I don’t think that’s the case. If someone achieved what they wanted in life, then they will have no regrets. I don’t think I will.
His grandmother had given him her knowing look as she began.
“As I said, there are no exceptions… When one’s life is about to end, it makes them look back. And looking back will give them regret. And… if it doesn’t, then they will regret the fact that their life is coming to an end. After all, no person wants to die…”
The young Daniel back then still wasn’t fully convinced. He still believed that he wouldn’t have any regret during the last moments of his life.
But another question had replaced his doubts back then.
“Grandmother, what is your regret?” he asked her.
But his grandmother had only given him an ambiguous smile instead of answering. Her smile, blending with her pained expression and pale face, only made her look more pitiful.
That was his last conversation with his grandmother.
Because two days after that, his grandmother passed away.
‘I guess I’ll never know what her own regret was.’
He walked steadily through city roads, tall buildings all around him. Giant digital screens here and there, playing advertisements, shops beginning to open, and people clustering there slowly.
Daniel just walked silently through the busy road, ignoring his surroundings.
He would’ve dismissed that conversation as nonsense, had it been with someone else. But he couldn’t do the same with his grandmother’s words.
Her words had always been true for him. She always knew things that he was ignorant about. But more than anything, she was the only person he knew who could see the world the same way he did. So she could actually understand him, unlike others.
‘Still, no matter how much I think, the answer remains the same. I don’t think I’m even capable of having regrets.’
Regrets were the result of unfulfilled desires, and as someone who had no dreams and desired nothing in life, Daniel could have no regrets.
People live their entire lives chasing something, be it wealth, power, love, friendship, or something else. But to Daniel, all of it was meaningless.
‘There is no limit to how high you can climb or how much more you can have, so it would be obvious that people die regretting not being able to climb just a bit higher.’
Daniel had a different definition for happiness.
‘The road to happiness doesn’t lie in chasing meaningless ambition, but becoming satisfied with what you already have in life.’
If one simply doesn’t desire more than what they have, then they will never become unhappy.
And Daniel… had learned not to dream meaninglessly.
‘And as for the regret of dying… That wouldn’t happen to me either. Everyone will die someday, what’s there to regret about?’
In the end, Daniel once again failed to find an answer to his question, so he just stopped thinking about the topic.
He was now halfway to his company office and had quite a bit of time on his hands, so he decided to walk with a bit more leisure.
As he walked, he briefly looked up at the sky. The sky was blurry, fogged with pollution, the sun nothing more than a pale blur behind a grey curtain.
That sight soured his mood somewhat.
Cars buzzed past him, buses honked loudly, and people moved in hurried clusters, laughing and chatting happily.
‘Ugh… so loud.’
Daniel’s face slightly scrunched up in irritation as he took out a pair of earphones from his pocket and put them on. Drowning out the sound of bus horns and people drifting by with soft music.
He walked silently, letting the city blur around him.
As he neared a crossroad, he noticed a middle-aged man standing in the corner of the turn, shouting something in his direction.
Daniel ignored him and continued walking, but the closer he got to that old man, the more fanatic that man’s shouting became.
Daniel briefly glanced back and noticed that there was no one else around.
‘Is he shouting at me? But why?’
Daniel finally removed one earphone, and the middle-aged man’s panicked voice hit him instantly.
“—You deaf bastard! What the hell are you doing?! LOOK OUT!”
‘...what?’
A blaring horn roared from his right. But before Daniel could even turn—
BAM!
A speeding car slammed into him with brutal force. Making his world spin as his body was flung away several meters.
His mind became hazy, his thoughts got muddled. His body was slowly forming a pool of blood around him as he helplessly lay on the road where he had fallen. His clean white shirt slowly dyed red, soaked in his own blood.
The car stopped as the driver came out, panicked. The middle-aged man also came running.
Daniel had expected to feel a lot of pain, but he didn’t feel it. In fact, he could feel nothing at all. All he felt was a cold numbness. His senses began to dull as his vision slowly became more and more foggy.
As his mind got more dull and hazy, memories of the past began to flash one after another.
Fragments of his memories, of him forcing a polite smile while talking to his colleagues at work, of him being courteous even when he was being mocked so as not to cause unnecessary conflict, of him choosing to remain silent or lying when being asked for his opinion on something.
And slowly, a dark feeling began to rise in his chest. As if his insides were being twisted and something inside him was slowly cracking.
He felt it all so clearly, despite the numbness and gradual loss of his senses.
‘Ahh… So this… is my regret… huh?...’
The last memory he saw was of his young self, sobbing quietly alone in his room. That was the last time he had cried, never shedding any tears since that day.
And then, his world darkened completely as his trembling body became still.
In the end, Daniel too… died while carrying regret.
…But unknown to everyone, his story had not yet ended.
====================
Side note (Rant): This is my 18th draft for the first chapter. And honestly, I'm rather tired of doing this now.
I know that the other drafts aren't necessarily bad, but they just don't click with me for some reason.
Every draft has its own unique appeal, but it also has its own flaws. The latest draft has flaws as well (being too melodramatic), but it just clicks with me more compared to the previous drafts, for some reason.
I know that I'm putting in more effort than necessary. But still, I just want the first chapter of my novel to be perfect.
The chapter length got a bit longer than intended, but I believe this length was necessary for this draft. I would also like it if you could tell me what kind of impression the first chapter gave you.
Also, I'm more comfortable writing a bit loosely, so I know that the chapter could be tightened, but I didn't do so. Why? Because I don't want to. Tight sentences feels somewhat stiff and unnatural to me.
Basically, I want feedback on my first chapter draft before I put it away as a polished chapter.
I have checked and read it several times, made whatever Improvements I could think of.
And regarding formatting, when I copy-paste a large amount of text on the Forum threads, most of the formatting gets removed. that includes bold and italics. And it's rather tedious to add those things again, so I didn't bother.
So if you see that thoughts aren't in italics, then that doesn't mean that they originally weren't italicized.
What I want as feedback is simple.
1) Rate from 1 to 10 how interesting this chapter 1 was/ how likely you are to turn to chapter 2
2) How much better is it compared to the chapter 1 I previously asked feedback on (OPTIONAL) [ I'm the author, so I don't know what impression the cold readers have.]
3) Did you find any glaring flaws or mistakes in it that really need fixing?
(Check out my rant in the side note at the bottom before you give your review.)
==================
‘What sort of regret will I have while dying?’
This thought came to Daniel’s mind first thing in the morning. He had woken up only about half an hour ago.
Dim light of the rising sun illuminated the small apartment room as Daniel began to get ready for work.
That wasn’t a new question, he was used to pondering over it from time-to-time. It’s just that… he hadn’t been able to come up with an answer until now.
After brushing his teeth and taking a quick shower, Daniel began putting on a formal white shirt and black pants. While fixing his tie in front of the mirror, Daniel briefly looked at his reflection, and a young man with a detached, expressionless face stared back at him.
It took him only a few minutes to get ready as he grabbed his office bag and exited his apartment.
The empty roads were slowly getting crowded with people and vehicles alike as the morning sun rose higher. Walking silently through the bustling road, his mind once again wandered to that question.
‘What would be my regret in my last moments? Would there even be one?’
It had all started because of a conversation he once had with his grandmother. He was barely a teenager back then.
His grandmother’s health was declining at that time, getting worse with each passing day. Everyone else in the family had already accepted that she didn’t have much longer to live.
Lying weakly in the hospital bed, her face remained deathly pale, her expression twisting constantly and becoming more miserable. But more than anything, it was the look in her eyes that stirred something within him. Gazing into her eyes had prompted him to ask her that question, for some reason.
“Grandmother, why do you have that look on your face? As if you have some sort of regret. I didn’t think you were the type to have regrets.”
His grandmother had smiled softly through her pain after hearing his question.
“Everyone carries regret during their last moments, there are no exceptions.” She spoke weekly, “You will be no different… when your time comes, grandson.”
He had been rather skeptical of that part. Her words may hold true for most people, but there will be many people who would die without carrying any regrets. And he would most likely be among those people. So he had voiced out his doubts.
“I don’t think that’s the case. If someone achieved what they wanted in life, then they will have no regrets. I don’t think I will.
His grandmother had given him her knowing look as she began.
“As I said, there are no exceptions… When one’s life is about to end, it makes them look back. And looking back will give them regret. And… if it doesn’t, then they will regret the fact that their life is coming to an end. After all, no person wants to die…”
The young Daniel back then still wasn’t fully convinced. He still believed that he wouldn’t have any regret during the last moments of his life.
But another question had replaced his doubts back then.
“Grandmother, what is your regret?” he asked her.
But his grandmother had only given him an ambiguous smile instead of answering. Her smile, blending with her pained expression and pale face, only made her look more pitiful.
That was his last conversation with his grandmother.
Because two days after that, his grandmother passed away.
‘I guess I’ll never know what her own regret was.’
He walked steadily through city roads, tall buildings all around him. Giant digital screens here and there, playing advertisements, shops beginning to open, and people clustering there slowly.
Daniel just walked silently through the busy road, ignoring his surroundings.
He would’ve dismissed that conversation as nonsense, had it been with someone else. But he couldn’t do the same with his grandmother’s words.
Her words had always been true for him. She always knew things that he was ignorant about. But more than anything, she was the only person he knew who could see the world the same way he did. So she could actually understand him, unlike others.
‘Still, no matter how much I think, the answer remains the same. I don’t think I’m even capable of having regrets.’
Regrets were the result of unfulfilled desires, and as someone who had no dreams and desired nothing in life, Daniel could have no regrets.
People live their entire lives chasing something, be it wealth, power, love, friendship, or something else. But to Daniel, all of it was meaningless.
‘There is no limit to how high you can climb or how much more you can have, so it would be obvious that people die regretting not being able to climb just a bit higher.’
Daniel had a different definition for happiness.
‘The road to happiness doesn’t lie in chasing meaningless ambition, but becoming satisfied with what you already have in life.’
If one simply doesn’t desire more than what they have, then they will never become unhappy.
And Daniel… had learned not to dream meaninglessly.
‘And as for the regret of dying… That wouldn’t happen to me either. Everyone will die someday, what’s there to regret about?’
In the end, Daniel once again failed to find an answer to his question, so he just stopped thinking about the topic.
He was now halfway to his company office and had quite a bit of time on his hands, so he decided to walk with a bit more leisure.
As he walked, he briefly looked up at the sky. The sky was blurry, fogged with pollution, the sun nothing more than a pale blur behind a grey curtain.
That sight soured his mood somewhat.
Cars buzzed past him, buses honked loudly, and people moved in hurried clusters, laughing and chatting happily.
‘Ugh… so loud.’
Daniel’s face slightly scrunched up in irritation as he took out a pair of earphones from his pocket and put them on. Drowning out the sound of bus horns and people drifting by with soft music.
He walked silently, letting the city blur around him.
As he neared a crossroad, he noticed a middle-aged man standing in the corner of the turn, shouting something in his direction.
Daniel ignored him and continued walking, but the closer he got to that old man, the more fanatic that man’s shouting became.
Daniel briefly glanced back and noticed that there was no one else around.
‘Is he shouting at me? But why?’
Daniel finally removed one earphone, and the middle-aged man’s panicked voice hit him instantly.
“—You deaf bastard! What the hell are you doing?! LOOK OUT!”
‘...what?’
A blaring horn roared from his right. But before Daniel could even turn—
BAM!
A speeding car slammed into him with brutal force. Making his world spin as his body was flung away several meters.
His mind became hazy, his thoughts got muddled. His body was slowly forming a pool of blood around him as he helplessly lay on the road where he had fallen. His clean white shirt slowly dyed red, soaked in his own blood.
The car stopped as the driver came out, panicked. The middle-aged man also came running.
Daniel had expected to feel a lot of pain, but he didn’t feel it. In fact, he could feel nothing at all. All he felt was a cold numbness. His senses began to dull as his vision slowly became more and more foggy.
As his mind got more dull and hazy, memories of the past began to flash one after another.
Fragments of his memories, of him forcing a polite smile while talking to his colleagues at work, of him being courteous even when he was being mocked so as not to cause unnecessary conflict, of him choosing to remain silent or lying when being asked for his opinion on something.
And slowly, a dark feeling began to rise in his chest. As if his insides were being twisted and something inside him was slowly cracking.
He felt it all so clearly, despite the numbness and gradual loss of his senses.
‘Ahh… So this… is my regret… huh?...’
The last memory he saw was of his young self, sobbing quietly alone in his room. That was the last time he had cried, never shedding any tears since that day.
And then, his world darkened completely as his trembling body became still.
In the end, Daniel too… died while carrying regret.
…But unknown to everyone, his story had not yet ended.
====================
Side note (Rant): This is my 18th draft for the first chapter. And honestly, I'm rather tired of doing this now.
I know that the other drafts aren't necessarily bad, but they just don't click with me for some reason.
Every draft has its own unique appeal, but it also has its own flaws. The latest draft has flaws as well (being too melodramatic), but it just clicks with me more compared to the previous drafts, for some reason.
I know that I'm putting in more effort than necessary. But still, I just want the first chapter of my novel to be perfect.
The chapter length got a bit longer than intended, but I believe this length was necessary for this draft. I would also like it if you could tell me what kind of impression the first chapter gave you.
Also, I'm more comfortable writing a bit loosely, so I know that the chapter could be tightened, but I didn't do so. Why? Because I don't want to. Tight sentences feels somewhat stiff and unnatural to me.
Last edited:
