Is it selfish to have a child instead of adopting?

[Vaxel00]

This one hits hard and it's difficult to reply. I would dare to say NO, it's not selfish to have a child instead of adopting, but what do I know? I've been raising my nephews for 5 years, a pair of twins that aren't my own. I've been doing so because my brother (their father) has been imprisoned during that time for a crime he didn't commit. So yeah, I basically raised someone else's kids and I did my best.

But also, it hits hard because I know what it's like to be told "you are going to be a dad" by the woman of my life only to be told later she's lost our baby before it was even born, due to a natural miscarriage. I'm not going to lie, I was scared, but something deep inside me also wanted that, I wanted to have that baby with the woman I loved, I wanted that life, I was looking forward to it and I wanted it so badly, then it was gone. I know I'm talking from an emotional, non-rational point of view but that's how I was feeling back then. After that, things deteriorated quickly between us, and she even tried to kill herself, in the end, we broke out, and I've never been the same after that.

Sorry to hear that, man. Of course you're not going to be rational about it, it's not the type of thing you ever truly move on from, just learn to live with.

I had an idea that I wouldn't be able to raise a child that wasn't mine before, but I was sure of it once my cousin passed away from cancer and left behind my niece. All of the sudden there was a real possibility that I would have to care for my niece if no one else could and my immediate thought was panic. My aunt ended up taking care of her but this whole situation scared the hypocrisy out of me.

 

[owotrucked]

I used to think so. Hell, I still do to some extent, but I'm proud to say that I no longer look at people who want to pass on their genes with disdain. I used to panic about the inevitable doom humanity is bringing against itself with the climate crisis and its inability to meet the physical demands (Not the supply, there's more than enough actual stuff to go around. Screw you zero-sum gamers.) of the people we already have on this Earth.

Hearing someone say, "I want want to have kids of my own." always felt like they meant "I don't care about the planet, or the souls suffering under the horrors of the system." but some long conversations with a number of acquaintances and my mother has revealed a number of reasons why someone would put/bake a cinnabon in the oven rather than picking a perfectly good one out from the store:

They just never considered adoption (the most common reason in my circle)

They see raising their own child as an ultimate expression of love (irrational to me, but feelings are irrational)

They're afraid of the child being wrong/ruined by the system (an idea that I take umbrage with, as the child that you make could also be "ruined" by any number of factors)

None of these point towards disdain for humanity's continued survival or a lack of sympathy for orphans, but a part of me still thinks that despite people's perfectly valid reasons for having their own child, they should be encouraged to rescue one that already exists, if only to reduce the amount of suffering in the world.

Edit: I'm aware of the fact that a "population explosion" isn't the core cause of the environmental crisis, but I didn't when I was much younger. The main thrust of my discomfort with making a kid rather than taking one would be the existence of children that go unadopted.

Existence is selfish.

The desire to live, which hogs resources from the world to sustain your existence is selfish.

Likewise, wanting a child rather than adopting one is an expression of selfish genes.

And there is no positive or negative judgement to make about it those emotional and instinctive features.

Evaluating decisions from a purely rational point of view while discarding all emotional understanding is fruitless. From a godlike external point of view, the value of a human life holds no more value than an ant's but this is not how humans act.

An external point of view doesn't give a fuck whether a family has biological children or adopted ones. However, if you arbitrarily set overpopulation as an objective problem to solve, the answer would just be to stop parents from fucking around and start adopting if they just want a spawnling around.

Tl;dr: breathing the same air as me is selfish of you and it's alright (but it still bothers me so you ought to make an effort)

 

[RepresentingSilence]

I've known a bunch of adoptive parents in my church I can think off the top of my head like 10 couples and all of them have both their own biological children and adoptive kids and they love all of them the same hell my best friend and his wife a couple still in their 20s with 3 boys all under 5 are talking about adopting they've talked about it since before they were even married

So I think it's probably more of a cultural thing then anything else people are not so much selfish about having their own kids that kids in the system are not worth their time I think they're more just completely ignorant and unthinking about it

also you've got to think about the difference between the perceived responsibility of raising a child not your own versus one that is I think many struggle with the idea of taking somebody else's responsibility voluntarily it's not something you naturally think about because while it might not be necessarily selfish people are very self-centered

imagine without being asked you voluntarily buying a stranger a new car and promising to take care of it for the next 18 years all at your own expense while they drive it and do basically anything they want with it or something similar the thought has never crossed your mind and that's how adoption is viewed by the general population i think

 

[Bartun]

Sorry to hear that, man. Of course you're not going to be rational about it, it's not the type of thing you ever truly move on from, just learn to live with.

I had an idea that I wouldn't be able to raise a child that wasn't mine before, but I was sure of it once my cousin passed away from cancer and left behind my niece. All of the sudden there was a real possibility that I would have to care for my niece if no one else could and my immediate thought was panic. My aunt ended up taking care of her but this whole situation scared the hypocrisy out of me.

Sorry to hear that too, and you're absolutely right, you never truly move on.

Yeah, you never think of it as a possibility until the time comes.

 

[greyblob]

I will not see a psychiatrist. My undeath relies upon me maintaining a healthy sense of insanity if I don't want to go back to consuming souls. You don't want me to go back to consuming souls.

psychiatrists are paid by the government to brainwash the population. I wouldn't recommend seeing one either. you should do what I do: self medicate and consult with strangers online


fuck me this thread got depressing

 

[Werelure]

One thing to consider - you can't pull a prank of "I'm so old that I don't remember when I adopted you" on a child that is actually adopted.

 

[CL]

Adopted parents vs. biological ones are a controversial topic. I can see for myself what the polls are claiming. I believe one of the major reasons I'm over-protective of children (such as my own child) is because I've been orphaned. This is not to be confused with being an orphan child. I'm parentless. No parents, grandparents, or anyone that was there that could be considered a guardian. It's... I'm looking at this screen, typing, and thinking over my life. As of now, I am looking down more often than straight ahead. Facing downwards, I see my responsibility to continue existing, but from those who've passed away I lost my chance to look up and ask, "Why I'm here to begin with?".

Parents in general have responsibilities. We make choices that leave behind an impact on this world. And, yes, that impact can be as small as a microscopic speck, but over time it can spread and grow into something or someone big enough to make an equal or much larger impact.

We make decisions and they have causes and effects. I'd like to believe my decisions were not a mistake. My kid, as much as I understand how unprepared we were, I felt ready. I can never imagine telling some service that I am not ready to keep my child and they'll have to figure it out.

After saying all of that, I do praise adoptive parents for their decisions. I couldn't do that because of what I've said. If I ever adopt a child, I won't be able to answer their question.