I would like some feedback on this fight scene in my story.

[Vitou]

Hello, as the title suggests, I would like some feedback/opinions on this fight scene in my story. This is my first time writing a story and I'm always insecure about writing fight scenes and this one especially I wasn't sure how to write but, I think I did it good. Would love to hear some thoughts on it!

Hololive English: A Destined Battle - Chapter 5, Part Two: All Out Battle | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Feel free to be as harsh as you want! Quick tl;dr, Kiara, a phoenix girl, has just undergone a transformation to fight The Ancient Ones, an Elder God that took control of one of her friends, killed another and did something unknown to another one. If you need any more info but don't want to read the previous chapters, I'll answer any questions you may have. Thanks! :D

 

[Iamnotabot]

Hello there.

Well beside the fact everyone was standing on the sideline like a dragon ball z episode, i think the fight was good. However i do have some minor adjustment to your wording, if you don't mind my poor writting skill.

making her bird-like feet drag across the ground

Dragging her bird-like feet across the ground

Let us do battle

I don't think this is right but i get the vibe you're writing with so instead, how about: "let us duel" or "let our battle commence."

And that's all, i think

 

[Vitou]

Hello there.

Well beside the fact everyone was standing on the sideline like a dragon ball z episode, i think the fight was good. However i do have some minor adjustment to your wording, if you don't mind my poor writting skill.


Dragging her bird-like feet across the ground

I don't think this is right but i get the vibe you're writing with so instead, how about: "let us duel" or "let our battle commence."

And that's all, i think

Well, there's a couple reasons as to why everyone is just standing there. First, there has to be someone protecting Amelia, Ina, and Gura's body from the fight. Second, Kiara wants to kill The Ancient Ones the most out of everyone there. While Fauna does know both Gura and Ame longer, she is not a fighter, unlike Kiara. So obviously, the rest are letting her fight them on her own and and except Fauna, the other Council members aren't as attached to Ame and Gura as much as Kiara. And none of the Council members really seem like the type who would get angry and attack in a fit of rage. And while Calli was also sad, I feel like since she's Death, it makes sense that Kiara is more shaken up by Gura dying than Calli, thus having a stronger desire to kill The Ancient Ones. And 3rd reason, with the way Kiara is in this form, it's difficult to work together with her. Calli did already offer to attack them together with her but, Kiara says that she would only get in her way. So basically, I think everyone standing there while Kiara was fighting, made sense.

Oh and your first suggestion does sound better and I've already changed it, thanks. Although with the second one, "Let us duel" sounds a bit weird for them to say, sounds like a line from Yu Gi Oh or something. "Let our battle commence" sounds a bit better but, it more sounds like something an announcer would say in a tournament, like "let the battle commence". Idk doesn't really sound right to me. I guess there are a couple things I could change it to but, I don't really see a need for it.

 

[A2Remedy]

Firstly, I love the battle scene. You did extremely well on emphasizing the traits most prominent and taking how that influences their fighting style into consideration. Like Kiara's concern over controlling the fire thus taking the fight to the sky.

The only thing I'd really consider is stating when the effect is present or diminishes because I believe it's twice you mentioned Kiara fully being on fire and going for melting The Ancient Ones' arm off... (OMG I JUST REMEMBERED THAT'S INA XD) Ah, but yeah, it's no biggie to mention like flames washing over her body or coming to a simmer if that's what you want, just a little clarity because I turned on battle music and was imagining this mentally XD

This is just a suggestion but "The battle air dance of Kiara and The Ancient Ones---" sounded a little weird to say out loud. So maybe something like "The aerial dance of blades between Kiara and The Ancient Ones ---". "The aerial blade dance between ---" sounds nice too.

Fight scenes are hard when you gotta consider the place the fight is happening in so I feel your pain XD. Great Job!

 

[Vitou]

Firstly, I love the battle scene. You did extremely well on emphasizing the traits most prominent and taking how that influences their fighting style into consideration. Like Kiara's concern over controlling the fire thus taking the fight to the sky.

The only thing I'd really consider is stating when the effect is present or diminishes because I believe it's twice you mentioned Kiara fully being on fire and going for melting The Ancient Ones' arm off... (OMG I JUST REMEMBERED THAT'S INA XD) Ah, but yeah, it's no biggie to mention like flames washing over her body or coming to a simmer if that's what you want, just a little clarity because I turned on battle music and was imagining this mentally XD

This is just a suggestion but "The battle air dance of Kiara and The Ancient Ones---" sounded a little weird to say out loud. So maybe something like "The aerial dance of blades between Kiara and The Ancient Ones ---". "The aerial blade dance between ---" sounds nice too.

Fight scenes are hard when you gotta consider the place the fight is happening in so I feel your pain XD. Great Job!

I'm not sure what you mean by "stating when the effect is present or diminishes". Did I say those things twice in the same scene? Maybe it just happened twice, I'm not sure. I gotta leave for work rn so I don't have the time to read the whole chapter lol.

Oh and yes, your suggestion definitely sounds better. With that scene, I was trying to make it look like this

. The part when they're in the sky and they kinda just hit each other's swords and just back away. I asked for advice on how to write that in the scribblehub discord but a Mentor literally just said "Dance in the air, something to that effect". So yeah, that did not help AT ALL lmao. Thanks for your suggestion, I appreciate it!

Oh and btw, that's not Ina cause in Chapter 2, the girls separated Ina from The Ancient Ones! So, don't worry, no Inas were hurt in the writing of this fight lol.