Well, if your brave you could take on any one of these:
Jack Diamond: Monster Hunter
(Book 1:
Diamond in the Rough | Scribble Hub (Completed) -
though most seem to stop at Chapter Four. I've had two, nearly opposite, explanations why.
Book 2:
Blood Diamond | Scribble Hub)
Strange Awakening | Scribble Hub - Seven or 30 (when I slowed down because I was caught up to my backlog) seem to be where people drop off, if they make it through 1.
Between Worlds | Scribble Hub
(Have not checked statistics on the other two)
Ok, wow my queue filled up quick!
Since you've submitted multiple stories, I'm gonna focus on one and then just give a quick look at your others.
I decided to focus on Strange Awakening, because I've again already read Tempokai's review on Jack Diamond so I thought I'd be freshest looking at something I'm blind on.
Strange Awakening
Let us begin...
Notes:
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and some of the decorations were clearly similar to yet more feminine than anything I could recall ever having owned.
Sentence sounds strange to me
-4 paragraphs in, the character's reaction feels very muted.
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through exercise and learned that exercise alone is not a guarantee of fitness
Another odd sentence, also, I'm not sure this is the right place to explain his work out routine, doesn't feel pressing.
Finished here:
The office had some major differences. While the same dark oak desk dominated it, with familiar clutter covering the top (even, I noticed
I feel your story is lacking an emotional hook, your character just went through a sudden and inexplicable transformation that could change every facet of his life, and yet his only reaction seems a mild curiosity about what's changed around his house. Where's the drama? The panic? He's apparently jumped dimensions or some such, why isn't he\she reacting? I stopped where I stopped because I don't care about what's changed in his home office, I care about the character, and you aren't delivering.
I wonder if maybe this low emotional response is purposeful, but if it is, it isn't very interesting. If the dude\gal is so chill that jumping dimensions doesn't freak him out, I would focus on that rather than his exercise routine and furniture.
Your writing confounds me a little, your grammar and phrasing are good, making this quite easy to read, but you aren't hooking me in, I wasn't immersed because your character acts so nonplussed.
Between Worlds
Ok, I've read the first chapter, it's pretty good. It has a much more compelling hook than Strange Awakening, and is much less cliché than Jack Diamond. I would quite happily read more, but as per my incredibly loose rules I'm half assing this one because you have multiple submissions, but I've added to my reading list and will leave some comments if I ever get around to reading more.
Anyway, here's a few pitnicks:
partly to get some much-needed sleep after a sixteen-hour day of gaming and other “nerd” activities,
Not much of a nitpick, but I thought it was funny that you quoted nerd, makes it sound like he was upto something sus.
holding what looked to be a gun-shaped object
'gun-shaped object' sound clunky and redundant, I think I'd prefer if you just said he had a badly concealed gun or a bulge that might be a weapon.
he staggered back and tripped over something in the alley,
'in the alley' is redundant, it would be strange if he tripped on something outside the alley.
So overall it's a pretty good first chapter me thinks, keep it up! Have a gold star!
Diamond in the rough
As I said up top, I have read Tempokai's review, and I also read a few chapters after because I was curious, so I'm not coming into this fresh.
In terms of my own format, I would honestly say that I wouldn't make it past the summary or tags, I'm not really interested in detective stories, so I may not be the best person to ask for feedback for this one.
Also, this a third submission so I get to third-ass it.
The big issue is that it's too full of clichés, without adding anything new or subversive. Maybe it's meant to be parody, but it isn't funny so I don't think so. Maybe it gets good later, but on a site with thousands of stories it doesn't stand out enough. If someone loved these tropes maybe they'd stick around, I don't love these tropes so there's nothing for me.
I would also say it felt a bit off that Jack was acting so grizzled when he was just on his second week at the job.
Overall this story isn't for me, but I do hope you find an audience for it, good luck!
Between all your submissions, 'Between Worlds' was the only one that I liked. I regret not picking it first and giving it more attention, but I have too long a backlog to spend much more time on this. I think you can write quite well, just that the other two stories aren't for me. Keep writing! Have fun!
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