I want to get honest reviews

[The_best]

Writing is the same as any other hobby and skill. You can't drastically improve overnight. Don't focus on asking our opinion on every small change. You should make a long term goals, and assess what changed every X months, or at least weeks. It's the same as those before and after shots of people who started exercising. If they look at themselves in the mirror every day, nothing really changes. But if they take a photo at the start and after a few months, they will notice a change.

I understand, but it's hard to wait a long time. I'm excited to edit this so it's better, as this novel is not only a future source of money for me, but I'm having fun writing it, and I really like the feeling of constantly improving at the thing I love. Therefore, I hope that I have not disturbed you with my constant questions, but I will try to edit the entire first chapter, and then if you want, please read it and tell me what you think about it, of course if you want, and thank you for your continued help to me.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

I understand, but it's hard to wait a long time. I'm excited to edit this so it's better, as this novel is not only a future source of money for me, but I'm having fun writing it, and I really like the feeling of constantly improving at the thing I love. Therefore, I hope that I have not disturbed you with my constant questions, but I will try to edit the entire first chapter, and then if you want, please read it and tell me what you think about it, of course if you want, and thank you for your continued help to me.

You did not disturb me. On the contrary, I didn't try to dismiss your questions, even if it looked like it. It's just how I think things should be done. I genuinely think you shouldn't be obsessed with minute gains, because it will make you burn out in the long run. Meanwhile long term goals will help you. And studying yourself. I am telling the truth when I say I'm not good enough. I might be good enough to notice obvious mistakes and give some general advice, but I'm not good enough to properly guide other people.

 

[The_best]

Here are some amendments to the first chapter, for those who want to give me their opinion on them, whether they are better, and how I can improve them further.

Chapter 1:

In the Forest of Magical Beasts, deep inside a small, dark cave, a young man with messy black hair and a handsome face slowly opened his eyes, pain clearly written on his expression.

The young man gripped his head tightly, a muffled cry of pain escaping his lips as an unrelenting torrent of information flooded his mind. A massive flood of foreign memories began to merge with his consciousness.

"What... is this?!" he muttered in confusion, his head throbbing with intense pain, unable to comprehend the images and memories of the Demon Emperor that continuously resurfaced in his mind.

After what felt like an eternity, the pain began to subside. Slowly, he lifted his head and scanned his surroundings. "A cave? ... And my name... Lin Fan?!" he whispered, disbelief in his voice, struggling to grasp what was happening.

Lin Fan froze in place, his mind racing through the whirlwind of events—his name, the unfamiliar memories flooding his mind, the strange locations from those memories. "Impossible... this can’t be real!!" Lin Fan whispered, his fingers trembling in shock, unable to accept the impossibility of what had just happened to him—the very thing he had once thought was unthinkable—reincarnation into a novel!

For several long minutes, he tried to wrap his mind around the absurdity of the situation. Then, a sarcastic smile tugged at his lips. 'This is what I’ve always dreamed of—reincarnating into a world I know inside out. No one can stand in my way!!' Lin Fan thought, his fist clenching tightly, his face shifting between disbelief and exhilaration.

'But still, I can’t afford to be reckless just because I know the future and the secrets of this world. I must plan carefully and strategize to achieve my goals. Not only have I been granted a second chance in life inside my favorite novel, but I also possess the memories of the Demon Emperor. The only explanation is that I devoured his soul. This is simply unbelievable!!' Lin Fan thought to himself, trying to remain logical amidst the overwhelming excitement of this insane situation.

After a brief pause, Lin Fan started to feel his new body in more depth. 'And this body... It’s incredibly powerful, far stronger than anything an ordinary human could achieve.' He whispered to himself, feeling immense strength surge through his veins. The original body’s owner had undergone a profound transformation after using the Dust of Destruction, a rare substance that reshaped his body into something far more formidable.

"Dust of Destruction... The original person refined his body using it. Now, that power is mine. I’m only at the sixth layer of the Qi Condensation Realm, but my body already rivals that of a fourth-tier Magical Beast." Lin Fan muttered with admiration as he looked at his hands, feeling the power surging within them.

Suddenly, his eyes gleamed with realization as the laws of this world came to mind: 'In this world, the strong control the fate of others. The weak... are mere playthings.' Lin Fan smiled coldly. 'If that’s the case, then I might as well have some fun with it.'

Meanwhile, in the City of Beasts, events were quickly escalating. Crowds filled the central square, flags waving in celebration of Xiao Mei’s wedding to the fourth elder of the Yu family, a man infamous for his cruelty and savagery.

Xiao Mei sat in the carriage, wearing the traditional wedding dress. But behind her sorrowful face, a storm of thoughts was raging. 'I trusted you, Lin Fan... I risked everything and helped you steal the Dust of Destruction so we could escape together. But in the end, you left me here alone to face this fate.'

A tear trembled in the corner of Xiao Mei's eye before it slid down her soft cheek. 'Lin Fan, why did you betray me? Please... save me. I don't want to marry this monster.'

Then, suddenly, a harsh voice cut through Xiao Mei's chain of thoughts.

"Xiao Mei, come down." The fourth elder’s cold voice rang out as he watched her descend from the carriage, his luxurious robes flowing behind him. His mind twisted with malice and suppressed rage as he observed her. 'This bitch, if she weren’t useful for increasing my power, I’d have killed her and her whole family by now.'

He then continued his thoughts with a cruel smile, hiding his murderous intent. 'She dared to conspire with that little demon against me. No matter. I’ve prepared my subordinates to block all escape routes the moment Lin Fan arrives. I won’t allow that demon to live as my enemy. Either he joins my family, or he dies!'

 

[Anonjohn20]

Kids in WN would probably like this story better.

With this, you roasted him harder than Tempokai did. Webnovel is cancer.

 

[PBJ_Time]

Therefore, if you lack basic manners, I won’t stoop to your level. Still, next time, use your brain a little and think before expressing such an opinion, because it only shows how foolish you are.

If it makes you feel any better, Tempokai said some similar critiques on my book, albeit not as vitriolic and honestly very insightful. My MC (Hajime) is more of a hero than yours but also bestowed with exceptional power, yet Tempokai didn't really see much of a problem with that compared to Lin Fan. The worst they said was that they just didn't like how perpetually smug Hajime was and that he didn't develop very well in the initial chapters (which was on purpose, mind you, because I want this to be a long-running story).

The main premise of our stories couldn't be any more different, too. Mine is just about a guy who fights billions of NPCs in an open field as a regular job, and his said exceptional power? Literally just lightning, lightning, and more lightning. There's some world hopping involved in the current arc, but you get the idea. You can't get any more isekai litRPG junk food than that, so this begs the question: why did Tempokai slam your story much more than mine?

I've read it myself, and I gotta say, I can sort of see where they're coming from. I was still humble enough to make Hajime die on the first boss in a very embarrassing manner, while Lin Fan kinda just steamrolls any "conflict" without a single hint that it's a parody. Mind you, Tempokai still thought the way I handled conflict was nearly the same as yours. Oh, and yeah, I also agreed that you wrote a woman character who checks almost every box in the misogyny playbook. When Xiao Mi didn't exist to be awestruck by Lin Fan every step of the way, she was used merely for torture porn. I could go one for days, but I'm afraid only Tempokai knows the real answer to all this.

So, I ask you, @Tempokai, what truly sets our stories apart judging by the feedback you gave us? You might wanna jog your memory, too.

 

[Tempokai]

I ask you, @Tempokai, what truly sets our stories apart judging by the feedback you gave us? You might wanna jog your memory, too.

Yours, at the very least, managed to have originality, even if it stumbled in delivering on that promise. His, on the other hand, reads like the generic sludge of a poorly written CN webnovel’s opening, so painfully cliché it shattered every mental crutch I leaned on to evaluate it. While your work avoided the pitfall of overused tropes, his gleefully cannonballed into them. And, to your credit, you didn’t commit the literary atrocity of cramming an entire arc into 2,500 words.

 

[PBJ_Time]

Yours, at the very least, managed to have originality, even if it stumbled in delivering on that promise. His, on the other hand, reads like the generic sludge of a poorly written CN webnovel’s opening, so painfully cliché it shattered every mental crutch I leaned on to evaluate it. While your work avoided the pitfall of overused tropes, his gleefully cannonballed into them. And, to your credit, you didn’t commit the literary atrocity of cramming an entire arc into 2,500 words.

I see. Looking back, I understand why you thought the character progression and worldbuilding was a bit lacking since, again, I want my story to finish at 300 or even 600 chapters. Maybe it's because I'm a huge One Piece fan, where the initial chapters of the story are only there for the build up of later arcs. The only difference is that my pacing needs to slow down instead of speed up.