D
Deleted member 214875
Guest
My novel is named (A being of shadow)
I appreciate any advice you could give me, and be honest please.
I appreciate any advice you could give me, and be honest please.
WhaleSprite
I'm a little autistic don't judge me
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2025
- Messages
- 107
- Points
- 43
Okay... Read your first chapter so far. I think the concept is interesting, but you do have some issues with spelling in some places. Like "Feinted" should be "fainted." Or "from" should be "form".
Also you do use some repetitive words. Especially "shadow". If you can come up with a different word or way to explain those parts you'll be golden. Also there's a paragraph where you use the word "body" like 4 times. Could use some variety.
Also there are some parts where you over clarify things when you had already described them. Like "Right now, I feel that I'm weaker, slower, smaller but intangible; I felt like I couldn't touch myself." You already described him as intangible then you said "I felt like I couldn't touch myself." It's a bit redundant and can be condensed. There also: "Then I had a panic attack, so I started to breathe deeply and rapidly and couldn't keep clear thought. As I fell down on the floor, my vision began to become blurry, feinted." You already showed us he's having a panic attack through the descriptions. It's not necessary for you to say "Then I had a panic attack." And again, it should be "I fainted".
Also this: "One of them had five or more square blocks on his gray coat, and had gray pants on.
While the other had his coat covered in six or more locks on his gray coat, and gray pants on, he had a gray key in one of his hands."
Could be condensed together and describe them as "two men wearing gray coats and pants" or something similar. Then describe what each one is carrying.
Hope that helps a little at least for chapter 1. But keep up the good work. (:
Also you do use some repetitive words. Especially "shadow". If you can come up with a different word or way to explain those parts you'll be golden. Also there's a paragraph where you use the word "body" like 4 times. Could use some variety.
Also there are some parts where you over clarify things when you had already described them. Like "Right now, I feel that I'm weaker, slower, smaller but intangible; I felt like I couldn't touch myself." You already described him as intangible then you said "I felt like I couldn't touch myself." It's a bit redundant and can be condensed. There also: "Then I had a panic attack, so I started to breathe deeply and rapidly and couldn't keep clear thought. As I fell down on the floor, my vision began to become blurry, feinted." You already showed us he's having a panic attack through the descriptions. It's not necessary for you to say "Then I had a panic attack." And again, it should be "I fainted".
Also this: "One of them had five or more square blocks on his gray coat, and had gray pants on.
While the other had his coat covered in six or more locks on his gray coat, and gray pants on, he had a gray key in one of his hands."
Could be condensed together and describe them as "two men wearing gray coats and pants" or something similar. Then describe what each one is carrying.
Hope that helps a little at least for chapter 1. But keep up the good work. (:
D
Deleted member 214875
Guest
Thank you for the review, I will edit it, when I have free time.
I really appreciate you reviewing my novel.
Thank you, and I have great day.
I really appreciate you reviewing my novel.
Thank you, and I have great day.
WhaleSprite
I'm a little autistic don't judge me
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2025
- Messages
- 107
- Points
- 43
You're welcome! Good luck.