I need synopsis help

[Representing_Tromba]

I am trying to write the official synopsis for my story, "The Supernatural Case of an Accidental Time Traveler" and could use some help, or advice. Below is the synpsis I have so far

“When the hell am I?” was perhaps Lou Barrett’s first thought upon arriving in the past. With no clue how he got to the past nor any idea why, Lou Barret must navigate a supernatural-filled late Victorian London with the help of new acquaintances including, but not limited to, an alcoholic monster hunter, a drug-dealing witch, and a neurotic wizard. Though circumstances never make things easy for them as a string of murders caused by something possibly inhuman may shed some light on his sudden appearance through time. Find out for yourself.

Tell me what you think and how to best improve it so as to best latch onto a potential reader. It's a historical fantasy with supernatural elements and time travel.

 

[MisterEnigmatic]

That's pretty good. I would suggest giving Mr. Barret a bit more detail in the synopsis, and maybe try to give this mystery of these murders a more sinister, foreboding air.

Although, I do think that it's fine as is.

 

[SirDogeTheFirst]

Look good IMO, but one thing I might add could be changing

Lou Barret must navigate a supernatural-filled late Victorian London

to
Lou Barret must navigate supernatural-filled streets of late Victorian London, but honestly, it won't make much difference and just a small tweak.

 

[Representing_Tromba]

That's pretty good. I would suggest giving Mr. Barret a bit more detail in the synopsis, and maybe try to give this mystery of these murders a more sinister, foreboding air.

Although, I do think that it's fine as is.

Sounds good. I'll try adding a bit more detail.

Look good IMO, but one thing I might add could be changing

to
Lou Barret must navigate supernatural-filled streets of late Victorian London, but honestly, it won't make much difference and just a small tweak.

Thank you! I changed it in my doc and it flows a lot better.

 

[LilRora]

Overall it's pretty good, but I think this synopsis lacks a bit of the tension, the mystery element? You could probably make it more gripping if you used rhetorical questions (particularly the last line) and shortened the sentences. And divided that block into shorter paragraphs, first of all.

Another thing, writing a synopsis in present tense makes it feel more like... relevant? I've no idea how to say it properly, but writing in past tense (and I'm referring to the first two sentences most of all) makes it feel like you're describing the setting, or the background. Like "The war of angels and demons left the world in ruins" - that's the past, it already ended, and "<Main Charater> arrives in the ravaged world..." - the narrative present.

I think the way you have it now puts it kinda in the past, in the 'setting' part of the story instead of the 'plot' part of the story? Maybe I'm just overthinking it (hell, maybe it's just what you wanted) but that's how it feels to me. Do what you will with that information.

You can also put the first line, "When the hell am I?", at the very beginning in a separate paragraph without any further exaplanation. That makes a longer pause between the quote and the latter part, which would put more weight on it, encourage readers to consider what it means.

Edit: Something like:

However, circumstances never make things easy for them. A string of murders, revealed to be caused by something possibly inhuman, hints at connections to his sudden appearance through time. <Something rhetorical here, dunno what>

 

[Representing_Tromba]

Overall it's pretty good, but I think this synopsis lacks a bit of the tension, the mystery element? You could probably make it more gripping if you used rhetorical questions (particularly the last line) and shortened the sentences. And divided that block into shorter paragraphs, first of all.

Another thing, writing a synopsis in present tense makes it feel more like... relevant? I've no idea how to say it properly, but writing in past tense (and I'm referring to the first two sentences most of all) makes it feel like you're describing the setting, or the background. Like "The war of angels and demons left the world in ruins" - that's the past, it already ended, and "<Main Charater> arrives in the ravaged world..." - the narrative present.

I think the way you have it now puts it kinda in the past, in the 'setting' part of the story instead of the 'plot' part of the story? Maybe I'm just overthinking it (hell, maybe it's just what you wanted) but that's how it feels to me. Do what you will with that information.

You can also put the first line, "When the hell am I?", at the very beginning in a separate paragraph without any further exaplanation. That makes a longer pause between the quote and the latter part, which would put more weight on it, encourage readers to consider what it means.

Edit: Something like:

However, circumstances never make things easy for them. A string of murders, revealed to be caused by something possibly inhuman, hints at connections to his sudden appearance through time. <Something rhetorical here, dunno what>

I like it. Thank you.

 

[ManwX]

"When the hell am I?" Lou Barrett's bewildered thoughts echoed through his mind as he found himself mysteriously transported to late Victorian London. Lost and disoriented, without any idea of the reason why he was there. Lou must unravel the enigma of his sudden displacement, all while navigating a treacherous world teeming with supernatural beings forming an unlikely alliance formed with an alcoholic monster hunter, a resourceful drug-dealing witch, and a neurotic wizard. Amidst the challenging circumstances, a series of gruesome murders, possibly perpetrated by a supernatural entity, emerged as a potential clue to Lou's time-traveling which he tries to uncover. Will he be able to find the culprit? Join the journey of the Supernatural Case of an Accidental Time Traveler
============
here made some improvements here and there. maybe you might find it useful.

also, this one is nearly the same but with some minor differences
============
Lou Barrett is bewildered by his sudden transportation to late Victorian London and tries to unravel the enigma of his displacement amidst a treacherous world of supernatural beings. Making an alliance with an alcoholic monster hunter, a resourceful drug-dealing witch, and a neurotic wizard, they embark on a journey into the city's dark side. As they navigate murky streets and shadowy alleyways, Lou seizes the opportunity to lead a murder investigation that may hold the key to his accidental time travel. Join him on this thrilling journey as he unravels the Supernatural Case of an Accidental Time Traveler.
====================
edit. Sorry, I might not be much help so I gave the 2 revised versions. Hope you find it useful maybe

 

[RepresentingCaution]

I always recommend including a question or three, and the questions should be directed at the reader. Avoid questions that can be answered with a yes or no to entice the reader.

Also, use the full name only once unless you have another major character who goes by the same first name or something.

How will Lou navigate the supernatural-filled streets of late Victorian London?

I could give more tips if I actually read the story, but you'd have to pay me, and I promised myself no more editing work for at least a year.

 

[Spactacular]

I recently helped someone out in the same situation and here is the gist of what I told him:

"Readers want to know what they are getting themselves into, so give them a little bit of information about the world and its setting, then let them know a little bit about the main character and his personality, then follow up with some hints of the plot and what to expect.

Many readers may ignore works that are vague in these areas since they don't want to spend time reading something they may not like and end up dropping the work after a few chapters when they could have spent that time reading something else that fought their attention. So if your synopsis covers these areas you are more likely to attract more readers."

Reading your works synopsis you cover these aspects however the info is just barely enough Imo, and everything is sort of jumbled together. So in my totally not expert and not professional opinion you should reorganise it slightly to make it easier to understand one bit at a time.

So start by giving the world info, which is London. You should add the time period, explain a little about the supernatural, maybe mention info about say a government organisation set up to deal with the supernatural (if this is applicable) and why the mc works independently (if this is also applicable since it seems the mc is sort of rouge from your current synopsis). Add in this sort of info to build a vivid setting.

Next, introduce the mc, Ie mc grew up in London admiring the supernatural, and when he was 11 he gained mysterious time abiltites that changed his life. He started using them to be a perv, but after getting a grip of himself after almost getting killed by a ghostly king penguin he works towards keeping the peace etc etc etc. Let the potential readers see whct kind of guy or mc is, his quirks and if he is dominant or a pushover, that sort of thing.

Finally introduce the plot, Ie, set on keeping the peace, mc meets peacekeeper rob and randy the witch. after x happens, the 3 start to investigate mc's ability while avoiding various organisations intent on capturing the mc to control his power etc etc etc. Build some tension by introducing different groups with objectives that can cause the mc future trouble and conflicts.

that's the gist of my advice anyway, hope this helps!

 

[Deleted member 113259]

Why would his first thought be "When the hell am I?"
Small villages, non-tech communes, castles, frontier posts, or any other location from a different time all still exist.
If I wake up in one of those places my first thoughts would be "Where am I?" "How did I get here?" "Was I kidnapped?" "Are all my organs still intact?" "Is my family ok?" and probably a bunch of other questions before I consider time travel. It would only be when talking to other people that I'd even start to consider the possibility.

 

[Representing_Tromba]

I recently helped someone out in the same situation and here is the gist of what I told him:

"Readers want to know what they are getting themselves into, so give them a little bit of information about the world and its setting, then let them know a little bit about the main character and his personality, then follow up with some hints of the plot and what to expect.

Many readers may ignore works that are vague in these areas since they don't want to spend time reading something they may not like and end up dropping the work after a few chapters when they could have spent that time reading something else that fought their attention. So if your synopsis covers these areas you are more likely to attract more readers."

Reading your works synopsis you cover these aspects however the info is just barely enough Imo, and everything is sort of jumbled together. So in my totally not expert and not professional opinion you should reorganise it slightly to make it easier to understand one bit at a time.

So start by giving the world info, which is London. You should add the time period, explain a little about the supernatural, maybe mention info about say a government organisation set up to deal with the supernatural (if this is applicable) and why the mc works independently (if this is also applicable since it seems the mc is sort of rouge from your current synopsis). Add in this sort of info to build a vivid setting.

Next, introduce the mc, Ie mc grew up in London admiring the supernatural, and when he was 11 he gained mysterious time abiltites that changed his life. He started using them to be a perv, but after getting a grip of himself after almost getting killed by a ghostly king penguin he works towards keeping the peace etc etc etc. Let the potential readers see whct kind of guy or mc is, his quirks and if he is dominant or a pushover, that sort of thing.

Finally introduce the plot, Ie, set on keeping the peace, mc meets peacekeeper rob and randy the witch. after x happens, the 3 start to investigate mc's ability while avoiding various organisations intent on capturing the mc to control his power etc etc etc. Build some tension by introducing different groups with objectives that can cause the mc future trouble and conflicts.

that's the gist of my advice anyway, hope this helps!

You make a lot of good points. I'll consider this and try it out.

 

[greyblob]

I don't like how hesitant it reads. It's also a bit long

“When the hell am I?” was Lou Barrett’s first thought. With no clue how he got to the past, Lou Barret must navigate a supernatural-filled late Victorian London with the help of new acquaintances: an alcoholic monster hunter, a drug-dealing witch, and a neurotic wizard. Clues appear as he follows a string of murders through the city. Problem is the culprits might not be entirely human.

this is not very good but it reads more smoothly to me

 

[Representing_Tromba]

Why would his first thought be "When the hell am I?"
Small villages, non-tech communes, castles, frontier posts, or any other location from a different time all still exist.
If I wake up in one of those places my first thoughts would be "Where am I?" "How did I get here?" "Was I kidnapped?" "Are all my organs still intact?" "Is my family ok?" and probably a bunch of other questions before I consider time travel. It would only be when talking to other people that I'd even start to consider the possibility.

It's not his actual thoughts but moreso a culmination and simplification of the questions in his head upon reaching the time period and over the course of the book.

I don't like how hesitant it reads. It's also a bit long



this is not very good but it reads more smoothly to me

I see. I'll consider it.

 

[greyblob]

I see. I'll consider it.

long isn't the correct word. sentences drag a bit. i don't know how to describe it.

 

[Representing_Tromba]

long isn't the correct word. sentences drag a bit. i don't know how to describe it.

No, I get what you mean.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

I am trying to write the official synopsis for my story, "The Supernatural Case of an Accidental Time Traveler" and could use some help, or advice. Below is the synpsis I have so far

“When the hell am I?” was perhaps Lou Barrett’s first thought upon arriving in the past. With no clue how he got to the past nor any idea why, Lou Barret must navigate a supernatural-filled late Victorian London with the help of new acquaintances including, but not limited to, an alcoholic monster hunter, a drug-dealing witch, and a neurotic wizard. Though circumstances never make things easy for them as a string of murders caused by something possibly inhuman may shed some light on his sudden appearance through time. Find out for yourself.

Tell me what you think and how to best improve it so as to best latch onto a potential reader. It's a historical fantasy with supernatural elements and time travel.

No offense, but I am not going to try to give a practiced writer with 4 times the amount of stories being posted than me any writing advice with their synopsis.
To quote Peabody from "Peabody & and Sherman," who is quoting someone else: "Why would I? It's an exercise in futility."
Trust in yourself... and use the Force! Errr... wrong thing!? Regardless, trust in your writing chops, @Paul_Tromba

 

[georgelee5786]

I am trying to write the official synopsis for my story, "The Supernatural Case of an Accidental Time Traveler" and could use some help, or advice. Below is the synpsis I have so far

“When the hell am I?” was perhaps Lou Barrett’s first thought upon arriving in the past. With no clue how he got to the past nor any idea why, Lou Barret must navigate a supernatural-filled late Victorian London with the help of new acquaintances including, but not limited to, an alcoholic monster hunter, a drug-dealing witch, and a neurotic wizard. Though circumstances never make things easy for them as a string of murders caused by something possibly inhuman may shed some light on his sudden appearance through time. Find out for yourself.

Tell me what you think and how to best improve it so as to best latch onto a potential reader. It's a historical fantasy with supernatural elements and time travel.

all good except for "a supernatural-filled late Victorian London." This is probably just me being picky, but I feel like it could be better. "[...]navigate a late Victorian London brimming with the supernatural," is my favored wording.

 

[Spactacular]

You make a lot of good points. I'll consider this and try it out.

No worries, if you want me to give it a read through once you have changed it up give me a shout, I'm more than happy to help =D